Eating disorder/ Anorexia. ( Content warning)
I have been trying to get better from anorexia for awhile and was doing not too bad but now i feel like even if i want to eat - i cant because we never have food and i cant afford it. Ive thought before that i never want to get obsessed with my weight because its all pointless but it is really hard when i am unintentionally losing weight and i feel very triggered with getting obsessive thoughts around weight and thinking its a distraction from sucidial thoughts - but reality is its hell and makes me more suicidal.
And when i feel ive lost some weight - no matter the cause - that phsyical feeling makes me feel a tiny bit lighter and cleaner and when i feel so disgusting it feels bit better and in control of my life and body.
But what i will never do no matter how bad thoughts get i wont abuse laxatives again because that is not helpful and never do that -it makes things worse. And i would say i am basically not dependant on laxatives anymore which felt like forever to happen. But is ironic that now i keep getting randomly unwell with diarrhea 🙃🙃. Which is triggering (not triggering cause i want to go to laxatives) but triggering because its also unintentionally feels like i am losing weight. And dk whats wrong with my body but i just keep being unwell.
And i passed out like last week and that triggered my ED thoughts because it reminded me of when my anorexia was really bad. And today i have felt so unwell - just mostly sooooo tired so much and feeling like my body isnt resting & agitated and one point today i felt soooo close to passing out today -maybe from lack of food. And i felt unwell but just felt in control & temporary distraction fron mental pain
And basically i really wanted to eat healthy and afford fruit ect - to feel "cleaner" in that sense but like been fucked up now & cant afford much food anyway & now i can feel myself getting more ED thoughts & feeling obsssesed with weight which i really dont want to do:(((((((i have had treatment for anorexia awhile ago but yeah that was shit