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Eating disorder/ Anorexia. ( Content warning)

SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
in Health & Wellbeing

I have been trying to get better from anorexia for awhile and was doing not too bad but now i feel like even if i want to eat - i cant because we never have food and i cant afford it. Ive thought before that i never want to get obsessed with my weight because its all pointless but it is really hard when i am unintentionally losing weight and i feel very triggered with getting obsessive thoughts around weight and thinking its a distraction from sucidial thoughts - but reality is its hell and makes me more suicidal. 


And when i feel ive lost some weight - no matter the cause - that phsyical feeling makes me feel a tiny bit lighter and cleaner and when i feel so disgusting it feels bit better and in control of my life and body. 


But what i will never do no matter how bad thoughts get i wont abuse laxatives again because that is not helpful and never do that -it makes things worse. And i would say i am basically not dependant on laxatives anymore which felt like forever to happen. But is ironic that now i keep getting randomly unwell with diarrhea 🙃🙃. Which is triggering (not triggering cause i want to go to laxatives) but triggering because its also unintentionally feels like i am losing weight. And dk whats wrong with my body but i just keep being unwell. 


And i passed out like last week and that triggered my ED thoughts because it reminded me of when my anorexia was really bad. And today i have felt so unwell - just mostly sooooo tired so much and feeling like my body isnt resting & agitated and one point today i felt soooo close to passing out today -maybe from lack of food. And i felt unwell but just felt in control & temporary distraction fron mental pain


And basically i really wanted to eat healthy and afford fruit ect - to feel "cleaner" in that sense but like been fucked up now & cant afford much food anyway & now i can feel myself getting more ED thoughts & feeling obsssesed with weight which i really dont want to do:(((((((i have had treatment for anorexia awhile ago but yeah that was shit 


“And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,146 Part of The Furniture
    edited April 2019
    Hey @Shaunie

    Sounds like things are pretty though at the moment.it must be really hard trying to recover and having these things triggering you unintentionally. 

    Hmm about the passing out and feeling pretty ill and weak - I Remember tou had a blood test awhile back did that show you were iron levels were Low in any way  ? As I know that can make you feel pretty tired. But also not eating means your not going to have any engery and it might be your blood sugars but Obvs I’m no medical professional so I can’t say for certain .

    is there any way you could visit a local food banks and get a food parcel made up , they tend to be full of things that are long lasting like UHT milk and tinned things like beans etc, another good way is to visit shops a hour or so before closing times and have a look in here reduce section , you can always buy really cheap break and freeze it taking a few slices out and toasting it as and when you need it. Another good thing is to look at getting everyday value things like Tesco is called healthy foods or something like that now - it’s normally really cheap something silly like 49p for a loaf of bread 

    sorry this isn’t much help I’m just trying to draw on what we do when we’re struggling to afford food .

    Sending hugs if you need them 💜
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    JellyelephantJellyelephant Posts: 1,874 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Shaunie

    I dont have an ED so I wont claim to understand what it is like, but I supported my sister through her anorexia and bulimia.... first off you have been doing so well and Im so proud of you for even trying in the first place cos i know that takes a lot! I know your treatment was not good and I feel personally that they were out of line, but I wondered if you could try with someone else who might be more understanding? or even a different service/charity? I dont know if B-eat could advice you of support in your local area. 

    In terms of not being able to afford food, I would defo recommend accessing a food bank. When I was homeless I used to use one to get food and they were so nice and you get a big bag of food and its really helpful when you cant afford any yourself. 

    I also feel that your dad should be providing food for you to eat as he is caring for you and I would actually recommend you get in touch with adult social care to request an assessment as I dont think your needs are being met. It wont get anyone in trouble, but they can help you access your basic needs (food etc) and if you need extra help they can arrange a social care package for you, so you would have someone that could come to your house and help you with anything you need whether I thats help to leave the house, or go shopping or attend appointments. 

    I know it can be so hard to reach out for support, but you have been so brave and I know you can do this. You're stronger than you know Shaunie and if you need support I am always here for you.

    Sending love and hugs 
    xxxx
    The sun will rise and we will try again 
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    Thank you @Millie2787 and @Jellyelephant
    <3<3 xx

    yeah i do have low iron:(and they tell me to take the pills but i feel sick straight after .am fed up of being tired but rather be tired than feel sick:( when i do eat - its like chicken so fuck knows how i have low iron anyways. 

    Im kinda happy i cant eat and losing weight but kinda not and i think flouxatine isnt helping me feel well and making my eyes blurry and feel sick too. But only been like2/3 weeks on that

    Its quite hard for me to even get food and i mean i even hate buying food as i feel like people stare at me thinking i am fat .... get over yourself shaunie no one cares i know lolll but my head lol and i feel like there are worse people off than me who need places like food banks - who are homeless 

    and yeah @Jellyelephant my Dad suppose to care for me and all did carers assessment but he does not care lol. Cause when i left shit hole house at 17 and lived with just my dad - child social services had to come every week to make meal plans ect and make sure my dad had food to give me ect. But feel like now i am an adult they wouldnt care and should look after myself. But like i get paid £200 a month i owe people like £200 so i have no money and i give my dad money. Have signed up to pip but yeah theyre taking forever to get back and i really dont want assessment. Feel am just lazy and should die 🙃🙃🙃its a shit life
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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    Millie2787Millie2787 Community Champion Posts: 5,146 Part of The Furniture
    Heyy , Hmm might’ve been a idea to take the iron tablets might help you to feel abit better and as for the fluoxetine it’s takes abit of time to adjust to it 💜

    Honeslty most people are probably to busy focusing on your shopping to see what you doing and as for food banks don’t feel guilty Becuase I’m sure they provide more food parcels to Low income families and individuals daily but I understand is it kind of a pride thing stopping you going ? 

    As for Pip have you got a number you can ring to Chad then about where about they are with your application .

    Your doing amazing Shaunie 💜
    Sometimes all you need is one person to believe in you , for you to begin to believe in yourself.
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    SienaSiena Posts: 15,495 Skive's The Limit
    edited April 2019
    Aww thank you all!!!!!<3
    i feel very fat this morning tho and doing the - stare at your body until all you see is fat. And want to get weighing scales but i know thats not a good idea because i will weigh myself about 10 times in a day lol - before and after everytime go toilet - before and after eating - and just randomly and anything affecting weight but i keep planning on finding money to get weigh scales and hiding them from family and i feel i may end up doing it with how much am thinking of it and then yeah would all go down hill if i did that. I jsut wanna know how much i weight exaclty now
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
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