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Self boundaries

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 87 Budding Regular
edited September 18 in Sex & Relationships
@Past User gave me idea to start a discussion regarding self boundaries and I really want to thank you for that  :)

A lot of people face to situations when other person/partner crosses our boundaries and we feel very uncomfortable and confused abut that but at the same time there are usually some doubts if we do right.  You try to explain person that you don't want to share smth private/ don't want to do smth / don't feel comfortable to speak about smth, but you're ignored and kind of lost cause do not really understand how to behave. 

Does anyone else experienced smth like this? How did you act?

Thanks everybody for replies  <3
Post edited by TheMix on
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    Hey, this is a great topic and I think we've all experienced a breach of our boundaries by somebody in our lives, and probably breached boundaries ourselves! I think because self-boundaries are so personal and each of us have different boundaries, we can get so confused about what is acceptable to share/do/say with different people. 

    For me, if I care about a person I'll tell them if they've crossed a line with me as I wouldn't want them to make me feel uncomfortable, and I would hope for the same back tbh. Think it's important to be honest about things like that. But if it's someone I don't really know I reckon I'd just leave it!

    What about you?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,938 Extreme Poster
    Interesting thread idea :)

    I haven't had any cases of people being particularly boundary-breaking - though I have had people being pushy (like right now, I have someone I don't know emailing me who treats me like a crisis team... ahah), and I have an idea of how I'd react.

    It would vary depending on the situation... Hmm. If it was just a one-off thing, I'd probably drop it. But if I had a bad feeling about the person or they wouldn't stop, I guess I just do what I can to handle it with ease and stop things from getting really messy. I may do that by imagining how the person may be thinking/feeling, and if need be, how I can avoid them. If despite my efforts it got really out of hand, I'd have to take further action. Some people are all about saying no, others are total doormats, I'm just somewhere in the middle. If that makes any sense!

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 487 Listening Ear
    Love this thread idea!

    Sadly, I've experienced this a few times. I've cut people out of my life for repeatedly crossing my boundaries: things like unwanted touching, excessive emotional labour, codependency etc. Sometimes, it can be difficult to know whether or not you're blowing things out of proportion but I think a lot of that has to do with how we're socialised from a young age. 

    Girls in particular are taught to defer, to place other people's feelings above our own, and act as a therapist to our friends and partners. In my 20s, I'm only just starting to unlearn those behaviours and put myself and my mental health first. 
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 87 Budding Regular
    Thank you for your replies, was interesting to read your thoughts about it :)

    @Lucy307 that's really great that you can tell person about crossing borders without any hesitation, but also I noticed the more we like person the more we let him/her have smth without even clear understanding that we kind of betray ourselves. Being in love our boundaries kind of blur, but in fact it's only matter of time when we start to feel bad about it :/ What do you think?

    @kathleen0172 being in the middle it's like to keep balance and that's amazing :3
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 281 The Mix Regular
    Yeah some people are like that XP
    There are those who are overfriendly to you when you need time and space. I try to be friendly but when someone goes over the top with that and doesn't give you space to be yourself especially if its someone you just met that really sucks. Ignoring them at least temporarily is one thing that can be a subtle way to tell them how you feel but at the same time it can be a little over the top or mean at least prolonged.
    Other times i suppose you can be more direct and say what you feel.

    Then there is the type who want to know everything about you all your secrets all that is important to you when you are not comfortable in telling them. Whether thats because it might upset them or you just dont feel comfortable. In that case the first thing is to say your not comfortable else i can only think of walking off :/

    The other type i think of are those who do bring all your problems to you without respect to yours or your time. Its fine to share things but not overburden others all the time, especially things that could easily be taken responsibility, and if there are therapists or similar available. I guess I learnt the hard way about that, you really have to keep your boundaries clear and prioritise yourself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,171 Wise Owl
    edited September 18
    Valerialetto said:
    Thank you for your replies, was interesting to read your thoughts about it :)

    @Lucy307 that's really great that you can tell person about crossing borders without any hesitation, but also I noticed the more we like person the more we let him/her have smth without even clear understanding that we kind of betray ourselves. Being in love our boundaries kind of blur, but in fact it's only matter of time when we start to feel bad about it :/ What do you think?

    @Past User I don't know if this is just me, but actually the more I like someone the more likely I am to tell them if they are crossing a line. I've been with my partner a long time and would tell him if I were uncomfortable with anything because tbh in the long term I don't wanna have those same uncomfortable experiences again and again. If that makes sense :smile:  and I think the same goes for how I would treat my close friends!
    Post edited by TheMix on
  • SienaSiena Posts: 15,681 Skive's The Limit
    Sorry but What does smth mean? Something?

    i tell people when dont feel comfortable just a shame people ignore me. Mostly have been in relationships where tell them not comfortable and do it anyway. But in friendship wise people are fine with when i say things i dont wanna do and my boundaries and stuff. But yeah i do feel comfortable saying because doing something/ saying something ect that i dont want to do can be far more uncomfortable than just saying i dont want to say/ do it
    “And when they look at you, they won't see everything you've been through. They won't see the **** that turned to scars that began to fade with time. They won't see the heartbreaking things that shook up and changed your entire world. They won't know how many tears you cried or even what it was you were crying about. They won't see how strong you had to be because you had no other choice. What they will see though is how compassionate you are because you experienced pain. What they will see is how kind you are because you experienced how cruel the world is. What they will see is how good you are because you've seen how bad things or people can be. The difference between you and your experiences are who you choose to be, despite everything that could have turned you cold and unkind.You are the good the world needs and the best of us.” ~ Kirsten Corley
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 87 Budding Regular
    @Shaunie yes, sorry for that smth = something)

    I see, you're right. 
    Seems to me like I have not really wise friend cause I feel like she crosses boundaries all the time, I tell it to her, but she doesn't understand me. Not everybody understand this issue in general( So I have to limit time of communication with her otherwise  we quarrel for sure  =)
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