Whats wrong with me?

Misunderstood

*if you’re familiar with any of my posts from the past, please disregard them here, this is an independent topic*

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I seem to struggle with people and relationships. Like I have a way of p*ssing people off without realising. Only after do I realise they act rather strange to me, then cut me off and do things together without me. But I don’t feel like I’m at fault?

I have noticed I tend to strive to be popular and avoid making close relationships with people because I worry I will trust them and they’ll betray me or something will happen to them. Some people don’t like that. 

This is really making things difficult for me. Do I have autism, without realising? Or aspergers? I did a few tests online and didn’t pass for them, and I’ve been told I don’t posess key traits for it. But I am really struggling with relationships. I barely have anyone to rant to at the moment, hence why I’m posting here. 

If anyone has any ideas, please let me know. I think it’s affecting my dating life too. 

MsBingo

Hey @Misunderstood

You said that you feel as though you piss people off and then they cut you off but you don't realise what you have done. You might not be at fault! Sometimes people can just decide to end a friendship or a relationship because it suits them, even though you have done nothing wrong. I understand that it might be difficult, but have you ever tried speaking to someone after they cut you off and asking what happened?

One thing that really stood out to me from your post was when you said that you avoid forming close relationships because you are worried about trusting them. It can be really hard letting someone in to your life sometimes because it means that you need to be vulnerable. I have had this problem too sometimes. Even though its hard, I try to remind myself that most people aren't horrible or don't set out to hurt me.

Who told you that you don't posses the key traits for autism? If this is something that is bothering you I think that it is really important that you speak to a medical professional, such as your GP, as they will definitely be a lot more qualified to give you advice about this than me!

Maisy

Hey there,

Sorry to hear that you are struggling to deal with people and relationships. Inter personal problems can cause a lot of stress and frustration, especially if you feel you don't know what you are doing wrong or feel that you aren't at fault.

We can't say for sure whether you have autism/aspergers or not. If it's something you are concerned about (notice other symptoms, have autism in your family etc) then it's worth looking into. While autism can often include struggles with communication and relationships, there are many other reasons why you may find yourself in this situation, for example, low-self esteem, depression, anxiety, other mental health issues/personality disorders, and having a history of being bullied. In general though, if something is affecting your life, then it's best talking to a professional such as a doctor or counsellor in order to get the support you need. 

Remember as well, that it takes both people to make a friendship/relationship work. If someone feels that you have done something to offend them, they should approach you about it. It can be unfair to not discuss problems and instead just cut you off. Perhaps in future, if you find yourself in this situation you can try to ask the other person to talk about it with you (and even if you don't feel at fault, it can help to listen and hear the other person's perspective).

You mention that you tend to strive to be popular but avoid close friendships because you are worried that others will betray your trust. I'm wondering if you have been hurt before? It makes sense that if you have, you may become guarded and it's important to not give too much of yourself to those that aren't worthy of your trust. The downside is that some people may see this as being too guarded that they don't get to know the 'real' you, just the surface popular version that everyone else sees. Another perspective is if you worry about others getting too close and seeing the 'real' you especially if you have low self-esteem and don't like yourself much. It can be hard to let people in either way. You may find it helpful to seek counselling for trust related issues. If you are under 25, you can get support from The Mix here.

You might also find it helpful to check out our articles on friendship here as well as our article on autism spectrum disorders 

Take care