Age doesn't matter in friendships!!!

Former Member

It really gets on my nerves that people especially my parents, teachers, classmates and psychologists I've had seeing me having friends of different ages as a problem. Like not having anything in common to discuss or disrupting my studies cuz they're not in the same year group or not having enough time for me. They can always help with schoolwork and come to my defence if anyone's mean to me as they're older and have more experience and anyone of any age can have interests in all sorts of things. Especially as I'm the oldest in my whole family, no siblings and cousins and my parents had me at a bit late age so I tend to want to be friends with people a bit older than me and see them as a big sister/mum figure. And kids in my own year at school bullied me in yr7 and the older years seemed way more interesting and exotic (don't ask what that means, I hate trying to explain stuff like that) and were way more sweeter to me. I so much as got told off for hanging out with them during break, (SUCH a ridiculous po

And why do age-gapped friendships work better amongst boys than girls growing up (cuz we females are emotionally sensitive we're disadvantaged on such stuff!!!). I don't want the rumour of older kids at secondary school being snobs or bullies to somewhat be true. My younger brother has friends a bit older than him and they interact well, they never blank him or talk non-stop to kids in their own year group but hardly know what to say to him or be friendly with him just to be nice or feel sorry for him or wants to toy with him cuz he seems "sweet" or vulnerable instead of genuinely wanting to be friends, unlike what the girls at my school did to me (the ones in my year did it too so no surprise there. I really don't want age gap to have anything to do with any of this. I had a pretty rough secondary school life to sum it all up. At least a few of the decided to keep in touch). No one ever worries about him at this. People are fine with my sister having friends a bit older and younger than her too. (Just cuz they're more extroverted and chattier and less emotionally sensitive than me!!!). Plus the older girls had a few real friends in my own year and pretty close to them. (Im a pretty easy target for fake friendships for looking like an outcast and being nervous and uncomfortable around people and sensitive with "banter" and being questioned personally).

Maisy

Hey there,

I really agree with what you are saying. I have a friend who is one year older than me, and another who is much older than me. They have taught me a lot and really been there for me over the years (more so than people my own age). Unfortunately though, not everyone sees it this way. It may be that parents, teachers, psychologists etc. would you like to be friends with people your own age as it's seen as 'developmentally appropriate' (which is difficult if you have mental health issues or are on the autistic spectrum). This is because it helps you to learn and get on with people that have different interests to you. However, I personally think that having an older friend can be beneficial. I guess it's just a matter of trying to find some balance between having friends the same age as well as older than you (though really, when you are an adult, age doesn't matter when it comes to friendships!)

The other reason may be that older friends may make an unbalanced friendship and you may be at risk of being taken advantage of because you may feel the older person has more say than you in a friendship. You might want to check out our age gap relationships article https://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/age-gaps-2917.html for more ideas on this (it's mostly relationships but similar things can apply to friendships as well). As long as your friends treat you right and don't bully/abuse/take advantage of you, then having an age gap friendship shouldn't be a problem! 

Sorry to hear that you were bullied in year 7. It makes complete sense that you would find comfort and safety in older students, as well as finding them more interesting. I'm also sorry to hear that you got told off from hanging out with them at break. I'm wondering if your school has a buddy or peer mentor scheme that you can join? Or if not, would your school be willing to set one up? Some schools have these types of schemes where older students can be 'buddies' to younger ones and are there to help with homework, bullying and friendships. That might be beneficial to you and many other students in similar situations to you!

As for gender, it may be that boys and girls have differences when it comes to socialising. Boys tend to be more straight forward so they may have older/younger friends just because they enjoy their company, but with girls, it may be more complicated if girls are in friendship 'groups' and they decide who to let join them and who might not fit in. It might also be that people think boys are capable of defending themselves while girls are seen as more vulnerable in general. That said, remember that boys, girls, older or younger, anyone can be a victim or perpetrator of bullying. 

Being an easy target for fake friendships is awful, I know. I hope that you are able to have friends in your life that are there for you, respect and like you for who you are- regardless of their age  

Former Member

Even people my own age took advantage of me cuz their more academic and social and confident and emotionally tougher than me than me and are smarter despite being the same age. And tried to make me do stuff I didn't want to do like talking at vreaktimes when I'd rather do my own stuff or sing songs when I was too embarrassed to and make me be friends with random people, and butting into my business and interrogating and scrutinising me constantly. See, kids my age were just so immature and untrustworthy. Whereas the older kids were never ever like that, as far as blanking me and saying I misinterpreted their friendly gestures as us being close. Also when I moved in to sixth form the younger kids kept calling out to me as if they knew me when they didnt and that really got on my nerves cuz I hate that.

Well now I've left school I can't officially suggest anything. I totally want to forget it all as all those traumatic situations turned it into a real joke (I really thought I loved it at the beginning). I so hate having to face ugly facts like that and don't mean to be rude being told it's just how they are. The whole reason I hate life and reality sucks.

Former Member

Age relatively has totally nothing to do with ppls personality, character and attitude towards me, as backed up above. Its a different matter with boyfriend/girlfriend relationships as that's something way deeper and serious than normal friendships.

Former Member

The problem with the student buddy/prefect suggestion is that the older kids may just do it cuz teachers tell them to and out of obligation and getting a good report etc rather than genuinely wanting to be friends. 

Yes, I guess it's especially difficult for girls cuz they often get close to friends and the person ur closest to tends to hurt u the most and r more picky with choosing their friends. Whereas guys could just joke around and take any banter carelessly and don't necessarily get close like that to their friends and don't mind being mates with anyone they come across. (That's what I mean by "emotionally weak", but it's still no reason for it to work different between boys and girls. My brother made friends immediately he started secondary, whereas I took way more time and just hug out with a random group so I don't look like a loner and again the situations of friends dumping me cuz of only being friends out of pity and simply being kind).