I fuck everything up and hate life *possible TW*

JellyelephantJellyelephant NoobPosts: 524 Extreme Poster
I have ruined everything......... I told my GP and therapist i was dischyarged from CMHT whihc is nearly true im being discharged on a phased discharge which just means i see my care co less and less until its over... but i feel like i cant talk to her anymore cos shes always like "is this cos ur being discharged" so i dont talk to her anymore. So i told people i was discharged cos thats how i feel anyway. 

ANyway got a call from my care co just now saying why did you OD last week? why have u told ur gp ur discharged? why are u seeing ur gp every week? that needs to stop. Why have u told ur gp ur mum has ur meds when she doesnt? etc and saying i need to be honest.... and ranted at me for ages... and she doesnt believe me that college wont offer me any support cos im an adult so i told her well you fucking ring them then and they will tell u......... and she was like i will.......... 

anyway im so distressed now i just want to die everything is terrible im a liar and a mess and she wants me to lose all my support and i will and i cant get through this i dont know what to do i text my therapist saying i need to talk to her but she isnt free til 7. 

dunno, sorry, im at my wits end i feel like shit dont know where to turn, everyone hates me now and im gonna lose my GP support because my care co is gonna ring her and tell her. I fucking hate being alive
AifeShaunieLucy307

Comments

  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    sorry i didnt mean to worry anyone I rang papyrus and my therapist so am alive and safe. I wish i wasnt but thats another matter. 
    ShaunieJojo
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    hate myself so much im a terrible person and a liar and its going to lose me every bit of support i have i will actually die.... everyones going to hate me my gp will not want to help me anymore when she find out i lied to her. EVerything is awfuil and i know nobody will want to help me because im a shit person so i understand if nobody wants to reply to this im sorry for making u all think im an ok person im really not im the worst and i deserve to suffer eternally
    Shaunie
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,752 Moderator
    Heyy @Jellyelephant

    I'm so sorry to hear about what happened yesterday. I know how much your GP support means to you and knowing the support we really value might suddenly stop is really hard. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. Did you manage to call your therapist in the end?

    It sounds like it was a really difficult call with your care coordinator I'm so sorry :( Try not to think you're a bad person for saying that you've been discharged from CMHT. Like you said, you are being discharged from them and that process has already started. From what you said it sounds like you're not getting enough support from your care coordinator so it's a really positive thing that you've been taking steps to get yourself some more support. It's so important to have a strong support network around you. Have you talked through support options with your GP before?

    You mentioned that you overdosed last week. It sounds like you've been going through such a lot Jelly, how are you feeling today?

    Really well done for reaching out on the boards, it's lovely to see you around <3

    Stay strong Jelly <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 565 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Jellyelephant

    I'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way and your care co has worried you so much :disappointed: It sounds like they have been quite direct with you over the phone? 

    Totally echo this from @Aife's comment above: 
     From what you said it sounds like you're not getting enough support from your care coordinator so it's a really positive thing that you've been taking steps to get yourself some more support. It's so important to have a strong support network around you. Have you talked through support options with your GP before?
    Perhaps it would be good to talk to your GP about this at this stage too, if you feel comfortable enough? How did the call with your therapist go? 

    I hear you feel bad for saying you were discharged when you technically weren't, but your support circle, more than anyone, should understand that we are all human and say things like this sometimes, it doesn't mean you are a bad person or a liar, you are going through a lot please try to be kind to yourself <3

    Hope you are feeling a little better today. 

    - Lucy 
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    I saw my gp this morning, she was really off with me and confronted me saying she had spoken to my care coordinator yesterday. She was like why did u say u were discharged? And I tried to explain but she didn’t really say anything then she was like it care co tells me u rang them and discharged urself? I said yes because I was upset the way I was being treated. She didn’t respond. Then she was like what are we going to do about your meds? I said I need them so she gave me them. Then she said she isn’t going to see me weekly anymore. I knew this would happen. So I’ve completely lost the support of my Cmht and gp now. I came out really distressed and just want to die to be honest. I’ve had enough of life and fighting and trying to get help when everyone seems to be against me and it’s like they’re trying to drive me to harm myself. They are pushing me so I crack... and it’s working :( I feel so suicidal and at the edge of my tether. I texted my therapist as a last resort and she said she will ring me in a few hours so I’m going to hang on until then and talk it through with her. I’m so upset I hate the Cmht for making things worse and they want me to die I just know it 
    Aife
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,032 The Mix Elder
    hey Jelly

    Just wanted to offer you some hugs :heart:

    Sorry to hear how your feeling and what your going through. 

    I know you posted this a few days ago now, how are you feeling now?

    We are here for you :heart:


    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 565 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Jellyelephant just echoing the comment above, we are all here for you and sending lots of hugs. If you want to talk we're here!! <3
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    hello

    life is terrible i hate it so much... im in so much pain, mentally. I cant even begin to describe how horrific every day is for me. I want to die and nothing else. I regret telling my therapist in a moment of weakness earlier in the week because she guessed my plan and rang my doctors surgery to tell them what I planned to do and when. Theyre all trying to ruin my plan. They have ruint it. Now I have to live through another week of pain which is not what i wanted or planned to do. I planned to die tomorrow and I had my heart set on it. Its not fair that they wont let me die. If they lived in my head they would let me do it, its the kind thing to do... but NO im stuck on this HELL ON EARTH for now. Im SO DISTRESSED its terrible i hate life im so sad i cant take another day of this :( 
    LaineSholay09
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 1,250 Fanatical Poster
    Really sorry you're feeling this way Jelly xo

    Do you feel like everyone is trying to sabotage you?  Like they hate you and such?  I'm very sure they're doing it because they care about you but I know it's hard x

    Have you talked to anyone about how you're feeling right now?  

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "I will make you believe you are lovely!" ~ TOP

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    Laine said:
    Really sorry you're feeling this way Jelly xo

    Do you feel like everyone is trying to sabotage you?  Like they hate you and such?  I'm very sure they're doing it because they care about you but I know it's hard x

    Have you talked to anyone about how you're feeling right now?  
    yes i do i feel like im being tortured and people are conspiring to make me suffer 
  • ShaunieShaunie England 🏠Posts: 4,472 Uber Poster
    edited December 2018
    Hugs Jelly <3 <3

    I think you’re a lot stronger than what you can see right now. Far from “weak”. Maybe you’re fed up of being told things like that - but is true so hope you can hear it still.

     We are here to try to help you through this too - aswell as your therapist and all want what’s best for you. I can hear you’re in a lot of pain:( and desperatly want a way out - death doesn’t have to be that way. <3

    I feel useless with what I say sometimes. But i do care. 
     
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 92 Moderator
    Hiya Jelly <3

    I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you right now, we all care about you.

    It's great that you mentioned earlier you were able to ring papyrus when things were really bad, don't forget that all the support services are there if you need them.

    Have you been able to speak to your GP or therapist about how you're feeling? I know it's really hard but they're there to help you.

    You're so strong to keep fighting this and posting here, we're all here for you <3

    Caroline
  • Ed_Ed_ Posts: 81 Moderator
    edited December 2018
    Hey Jelly,

    Just echoing what Caroline, Shaunie and Laine have all said, we are all here for you and you are deserving of support to help you through how you are feeling right now. 

    Remember, that there are places where you can get help if you are feeling in a crisis. In particular, you may find the following options useful:
    • Emergency services: if you ever feel in immediate danger, call 999
    • Crisis Messenger: you can text someone at any time of the day to talk things through by texting THEMIX to 85258. It's completely free to text.
    • Samaritans: you can call someone anytime of the day and they will listen to whatever is going on for you. They can be reached on 116 123 for a free and confidential space to talk.
    • Papyrus: You can call them on 0800 068 41 41 for free and confidential advice around feelings of suicide. 
    • Maytree - they offer a free 4-night/5-day stay to people who are suicidal providing the opportunity to be befriended and heard in complete confidence, without judgement and with compassion and warmth. 
    Hope these are helpful, do keep reaching out for help, it is a real strength that you are able to share how you are feeling with people, things can change with time and support. We are all here for you Jelly :3 

    Stay strong,

    Ed
    “Sometimes it is the people no one can imagine anything of who do the things no one can imagine.” 
    ― Alan Turing
    Laine
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,752 Moderator
    edited December 2018
    Hey @Jellyelephant 

    It's been a couple days since you last posted, how are you feeling? 

    I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in and how much you're struggling. Keep fighting and taking things step by step one day at a time. We care about you so much and we're here to help you through this :)

    Stay strong <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    thanks for all the ssupport. Am still alive sadly for me. 

    every day is just painful, i feel so low and so anxious and so hopeless it physically hurts and i didnt know it was possible to feel so much stuff at one time but it is and it feels horrific. There is literally nothing in this life worth living for me, and theres only one way to end this pain once and for all. I am mad that people are stopping me from doing it currently but they cant do this forever. Flashbacks, nigthmares, panic attacks, tears, self harm, constant voice in my head saying it will never get better.... its not fair its terrible why does nobody understand that life for me is torture and i dont deserve to continue this way. Why will they not let me die?????? there is no good reason to keep me alive except for pure selfishness. 

    Aife*BananaMonkey*Shaunie
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    Aife said:
    Hey @Jellyelephant 

    It's been a couple days since you last posted, how are you feeling? 

    I'm so sorry to hear how much pain you're in and how much you're struggling. Keep fighting and taking things step by step one day at a time. We care about you so much and we're here to help you through this :)

    Stay strong <3

  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,032 The Mix Elder
    Hey Jelly,

    I am glad your still alive, I reckon others here are too :heart:

    Sending hugs, 

    You can get through this, I know what your going through, I have been through similar myself, you can get through it though, your stronger than you may think. The fact your here today proves that. 

    :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 565 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Jellyelephant ;I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain :disappointed: but we are here for you and glad you are still alive even if you dont feel the same way. We're all rooting for you as really care about you here. Do you want to talk some more about what's going on? Even if you just need to vent, I'm listening <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    edited December 2018
    I am so distressed i cant even explain how bad I feel. I was going to kill myself today but then my mum said she has her job interview wednesday so cant upset her and ruin this chance for her. It was shit cos just before was about to do it i text my therapist saying i cant do this anymore and she replied saying i need to take responsibility for myself............... i was like wow thanks im about to kill myself and u say that???? 

    anyway after that i heard about my mums interview on wednesday so I thought i need to stay safe so i took a diazapam which made me calm down. I cant believe i have to live for now though im in so much pain i cant bare it i dont know how im going to make it through this but I guess i have no choice. Every day I think this is the worst ive ever felt but then the next day i feel worse still :( Ive been crying so much cos it just hurts so bad...

    and I feel so abandoned by professionals. I say how bad things are and they dont believe me cos I have BPD. My doctor literally said she doesnt think I am suicidal its just my BPD. Nobody is helping me I feel like they want me to harm myself. I am never talking to anyone ever again after that and my therapists texts. Im blocking everyone out cos they just hurt me and i cant take anymore. 

    I have literally tried everything to improve my mental health and nothing works, I can't make this go away. Nobody can do anything to help me, and theres nothin more I can do. I have researched about going to dignitas in switzerland and i think i fit the criteria to do it but it is too expensive to do for a long time so cant do that either. 

    so for now I am stuck alive and literally in mental agony. I hate this.
    LaineAife
  • LaineLaine Horse hugger Posts: 1,250 Fanatical Poster
    Sending hugs jelly 💕

    You really sound like you've been let down by professionals and I'm sorry to hear that, nobody wants you to harm yourself for sure, some people just have different ways of saying things and words are powerful, they can really hurt when they are used wrong x

    I know I can't help but I really just wanted to let you know I'm here and wanted to send my support xo

    If you feel like it remember the crisis Messenger is available as well samaritans: 116 123.

    🌈Positive thoughts🌈 

    "I will make you believe you are lovely!" ~ TOP

    "No one else is dealing with your demons, meaning maybe defeating them could be the beginning of your meaning friend" ~ TOP

    "What's gonna be left of the world if you're not in it?" ~ Bastille
    Jellyelephant
  • AifeAife Posts: 1,752 Moderator
    edited December 2018
    Hey @Jellyelephant

    You are so strong for fighting through everything and continuing to reach out for support with your therapist and also here with us. I'm really sorry to hear how much pain you're in and that each day is feeling worse than the day before. You will find a way through this and we'll be here to help you through each day :) 

    It's really positive that you felt able to reach out to your therapist yesterday. I know you didn't get the response you were hoping for, but really well done for reaching out to someone about how you're feeling and taking steps to keep yourself safe by taking your medication.  What were you hoping for when you reached out to her? Do you feel like you can try these steps again next time you're in crisis or reaching out to somewhere like Samaritans

    You've been through so much Jelly and I'm really sorry that you've been let down by so many professionals. You really deserve the best support to help you through this and I'm really sorry these professionals haven't been listening to you. Try not to let them make you feel like everyone will hurt you because there are people out there who really care about you and want to support you. 

    I was wondering if you'd tried reaching out to Mind's legal helpline before? You can talk to them about your rights and find out a bit more about what services are available to you. Perhaps they might be able to talk through everything that's happened with your support and help find you some more support? You can find out a bit more on their website here

    We all care about you so much Jelly and we're here to support you through this till everything gets better. Keep fighting <3
    Maybe somethings don't get better, but we do. We get stronger. We learn to live with our situations as messy and ugly as they are. We fix what we can and we adapt to what we can't. Maybe some of us will never fully be okay, but at least we're here. We're still trying. We're doing the best we can. That's worth celebrating too ❤
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    thanks for the support i really appreciate it so much especially when everyone in real life seems to have abandoned me. 

    To be honest I dont know if its just my BPD or what but i genuinely dont understand what im doing wrong to get people mad at me. I told two lies, the first one that I said I was discharged from cmht to my GP but I was being discharged on a phased discharge so it wasnt a blatant lie....... and in my brain when i was being discharged i just had it in my brain that the cmht were out of the picture. The other lie I told was that i told my GP my mum was looking after my medication but she wasnt. So yeah maybe i lied but how can they hate me for that?????????? they think im a liar and manipulative because I have BPD but i was just trying to get help from my gp as the cmht were discharging me and she wouldnt give me meds if she thought i had control of them. 

    since my care co spoke to my GP behind my back, it all went downhill. They said i lied... and my GP reduced my visits to her because my care co told her to........ WHY?????????? whats wrong with my gp supporting me when cmht arent???????? SO they both turned against me, I dont understand why. 

    THEN since my therapist spoke to my GP on the phone she has also turned against me. MY GP MY CARE CO AND THERAPIST have all spoke behind my back and suddenly everyone is mad at me and hates me. I didnt do anything to my therapist???????? i dont think i did anyway??? so confused. Maybe I rang her too much, and upset her.... she told me it was in my safety plan to ring her if i need help and she told me to ring her. So I did.......... and i get told to fuck off basically i.e "take responsibility for myself" I told her the other session i was scared to contact her between sessions and stuff incase i talk to her too much and she wont want to help me anymore and she told me its fine and i can ring her and if she thinks its too much we will just talk it through..... but since these discussions her and the doctors been having she has changed her mind. 

    In the most basic thing: I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET SUPPORT WHILE I FEEL ROCK BOTTOM AND SUICIDAL. What is so wrong with that?????? maybe i went about it the wrong way but they are professionals and they know i have BPD which means I struggle with relationships including professional ones....so why dont they understand?????? I feel like everything is all messed up and im confused and scared and sad and mad and i dont know how to fix it. 

    I discharged myself from CMHT when they upset me call me a liar but then today I got a letter saying that they know i have discharged myself but theyre not discharging me they are going to discuss with the team my "future care and treatment" and they want us to have a care plan that can be shared with all the professionals to have "continuity of care" or some bullshit. I dont understand why they havent discharged me when i told them to. They have hurt my feelings and turned everyone against me. Also i have not seen my psychiatrist in nearly 5 months even though im in crisis. He cancelled my last appointment and still hasnt send me another one. Its pathetic. Clearly doesnt give a shit about me. 

    I think a big problem is that nobody takes me seriously...... they dont think I really feel as bad as I say and they dont believe that I really want to kill myself....... well I can tell you now I genuinely do... and when I do I will write a letter to leave behind detailing how they have failed me and how much i tried to reach out for help and got mugged off. 

    Tomorrow I have a meeting with an independant social worker. I saw her on facebook in a local area group and messaged her explaining my situation. She asked me if i wanted to meet her for a chat to see what we can do. I am also going to call Mind and ask for their help. If those things dont work then I give up completely cos im too tired to keep fighting when im this low. 

    anyway sorry for my 2am ramblings. I am awake all night trying to do some college work thats due tomorrow. I didnt do it cos i was feeling so bad and also planned to kill self on monday so i thought would be dead and therefore wouldnt need to do it......... but apparenly am still alive so got to do the work now and im so tired. 

    If you read this then wow u deserve a medal 
    Shaunie
  • CarolineVCarolineV Posts: 92 Moderator
    Hiya Jelly <3

    I hope you managed to get some rest last night, it sounds like things were really difficult for you.

    It's really positive that you're reaching out for help, and it's completely understandable that it gets  tiring. I hope that the social worker and Mind are able to help you in some way, and remember that we're always here for you as well.

    I hope things are a little easier for you this morning
    Caroline
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    right im fucking done with CMHT theyre a bunch of dickheads. Got a call from my care co today right and she was asking me what was going on and i was very honest and told her how bad things are and she told me that I need to get up and keep doing things because plenty of people have negative thoughts and they still get on with life.... so basically i apparently need to ignore how im feeling and get on with it. Fucking done with asking for help they make me feel worse 
    ShaunieSholay09
  • MikeMike Posts: 1,497 Moderator
    right im fucking done with CMHT theyre a bunch of dickheads. Got a call from my care co today right and she was asking me what was going on and i was very honest and told her how bad things are and she told me that I need to get up and keep doing things because plenty of people have negative thoughts and they still get on with life.... so basically i apparently need to ignore how im feeling and get on with it. Fucking done with asking for help they make me feel worse 
     :o

    Did she actually use those words? Is there someone else on the team you can raise this with? That is not okay.

    It's crappy when people in these positions are so insensitive. It's worth trying to hold on to the positive experiences you've had with mental health professionals. It can definitely be a mixed bag and even more so depending on whether you 'click' with them. It takes courage to open up and be honest in that way, and you will be rewarded for that if you hang in there. 

    I get the sense you're feeling pretty isolated at the mo. :( It's rubbish when it doesn't seem like these people are on your side. Reading your 2am thoughts (always good to have a rant btw), I'm wondering if this is more as a result of miscommunication rather than because they 'hate' you or are 'turning against' you. I can totally hear that's how it feels at the moment, but quite often these frustrations can brew when people aren't understanding one another.

    Do you have regular contact do you have with the various professionals you've been working with? I wonder if it's worth having a bit of a 'look, I don't think you're grasping my situation here' type of moment where you try and get this stuff off your chest to them in a calm way?

    Keep fighting - you got this. :)
    "900 years of time and space and I've never met someone who wasn't important.”

     - The 11th Doctor
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    Mike said:
    Did she actually use those words? Is there someone else on the team you can raise this with? That is not okay.
    Yes she used those words. It made me feel like shit and I dont think anyone will back me up they will all be on her side cos shes a professional and im just some girl with bpd. Im not stupid I know I will get nowhere. 

    I think part of the problem is theres different professionals in my care but they dont talk to each other or communicate in any way and my care coordinator should be doing just what her title suggests... COORDINATING but shes useless and does fuck all. 

    Finally got a letter through yesterday tho from my psychiatirst offering me an appointment for 16th jan. Its a start I guess but I dont hold any hope for it cos i dont think they can help me.
  • *BananaMonkey**BananaMonkey* Lyrical Poster Posts: 5,032 The Mix Elder
    Hey Jelly,

    Just wanted to pop on to see how you are doing? :heart:
    " And everywhere I am, there you'll be, your love made me make it through, oh I owe so much to you "
    " So I say thank you for the music, the songs I'm singing, thanks for all the joy they're bringing, who can live without it, I ask in all honestly what would life be? Without a song or a dance, what are we? So I say thank you for the music, for giving it to me "
  • AdamAdam Posts: 13 Moderator
    Hey @Jellyelephant ,

    It's been a while since you last responded, just wanted to make sure everything is okay? :smile:

    --------
    Adam
  • JellyelephantJellyelephant Noob Posts: 524 Extreme Poster
    things are still terrible i just struggle to find the words to express whats going on..........

    although being the holidays has been good cos it means i can spend all my time alone in my room with the lights off which helps. 

    Its NYE today tho which is shit i actually hate it i wanted to be dead before the new year cos i dont want to start another year but here we are and im alive sooooo yeah... just getting drunk in my room to try and not be aware of whats happening. 

    just want my therapist to come back, shes off over the holidays. Im stressed tho cos the DWP stopped my PIP money cos theyre arseholes and Im in lots of debt and i cant really afford my therapy but if i cant go i really will die i dont know what to do 
  • Lucy307Lucy307 UKPosts: 565 Extreme Poster
    Hey @Jellyelephant

    How are you doing today? Sorry to hear you were struggling on NYE :(. When's your therapist back? Do you want to talk some more about why DWP stopped your PIP, hopefully someone else will have experience of it on here and be able to help??

    Hope you're ok, sending hugs <3

    - Lucy
    Treat yourself as you would treat a good friend
Sign In or Register to comment.