Crush on a Friend

TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
Hi everyone,
I came out of my last relationship a little while ago now and I'm starting to get back into dating. I haven't actually had a date yet, but I've tried out a few dating sites and have had a few conversations. I have this friend who I see several times a week because we have a lot of lectures together, and I've kind of developed a crush as I've got to know her more. 

It just started out as me just thinking that she was pretty and nice. She was one of the only people to sit by me and introduce herself during our first lectures, and she's still one of the only people on my course that I talk to on a regular basis. We always got on really well, but I kind of ignored my feelings for her at first because it wasn't the first time I'd developed a slight crush on someone I considered to be a close friend. I ended up getting into a relationship and she carried on dating other people. 

Since I came out of my relationship my feelings have started to develop a bit more. I've started to debate whether or not I should ask her out or tell her how I feel. She keeps suggesting we hang out outside of university but we never really make plans. I'm worried that trying to take things further with her would just ruin the friendship that we already have.

I'm also kind of confused about my feelings. I'm not sure if this is just one of those slight crushes I get when I have someone I can actually open up to. Sometimes I feel like I'm annoying her, or that I come across as an attention seeker because she's the only friend I've really opened up to even slightly about my mental health and the fact that I'm currently trying to get counselling. Today I overheard her mention me to a guy and I said something that seemed funny but now I just feel awkward. I think she might have been dating him. She mentioned that she was seeing a guy but that she wasn't really interested in him. 

I guess I just wish I could talk it out with someone. I don't have many people that I feel like I could talk to about my crushes, and I don't really speak to my old friends that much anymore. I feel like I'm confusing myself and overthinking. I keep analysing my own thoughts and trying to read signals that probably aren't even there, which is never a good idea.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. Any replies would be appreciated.

Comments

  • JawfaceJawface Posts: 17 Fast Newbie
    edited October 2018
    Here is what I'm hearing:

    You think about her a fair bit. You think about her enough to write about your feelings for her here in detail. You think about how she sees you. You think about her relationships with other guys. You've always had a soft spot for her. You feel comfortable talking to her about your own issues. 

    She suggests that you hang out outside of lectures.

    If I am wrong about any of the above, then the below conclusion may be invalid. 

    I suggest that you take her up on her suggestion to hang out outside of university. It seems like you need more of a chance to talk to her more outside of an academic context.

    If you do find that you like her (or, if you are confident that getting to know her better will lead to you liking her) in that way, then you should tell her how you feel. For instance, ask her out and make it clear that you would like to go beyond friendship. 

    I'm always happy to talk it out! Let me know what you think of my suggestions.
    TheAprilFool
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Jawface said:
    Here is what I'm hearing:

    You think about her a fair bit. You think about her enough to write about your feelings for her here in detail. You think about how she sees you. You think about her relationships with other guys. You've always had a soft spot for her. You feel comfortable talking to her about your own issues. 

    She suggests that you hang out outside of lectures.

    If I am wrong about any of the above, then the below conclusion may be invalid. 

    I suggest that you take her up on her suggestion to hang out outside of university. It seems like you need more of a chance to talk to her more outside of an academic context.

    If you do find that you like her (or, if you are confident that getting to know her better will lead to you liking her) in that way, then you should tell her how you feel. For instance, ask her out and make it clear that you would like to go beyond friendship. 

    I'm always happy to talk it out! Let me know what you think of my suggestions.
    Hi @Jawface
    Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate your advice.

    I do think about her a lot. She's probably the person I think the most about when I'm not hanging around with anyone else. I guess the fact that I wrote this at all suggests that my feelings are getting kind of serious. I don't know why I always doubt my own feelings so much. I think about how she sees me too, and I keep convincing myself that she probably doesn't care about me as much as I do about her, even though she's always really supportive and has made an effort to spend more time with me. I sometimes wonder if she finds me annoying or something, even though I don't have any real evidence to suggest this. I was kind of happy to find out that she stopped seeing the last guy after a few dates. 

    I feel pretty comfortable talking to her about my own issues, and she talks about some of hers. I haven't really gone into a lot of detail because we always talk in and between lectures with our other friend, but she's one of the only people that knows that I'm currently seeking counselling. The only other people I talk to about that kind of thing is my parents, and most of the time I'm reluctant to do that. 

    We're planning to meet up some time next week, once to go out for Halloween which a bunch of other people and she also invited me to go over to her house at some point to watch some films. I might see how the conversation goes and maybe bring this up to her. I'm just worried that I'm putting a really good friendship at risk. I look forward to lectures just because I get to talk to her. The other day I started to feel a bit anxious because I got there before her for once and wasn't sure if she was coming or not, so I can't imagine how bad I'd feel if we stopped talking and I had to sit alone in lectures.

    It would be nice to talk this through a bit more :). I'm not sure what else I can say for now.

     
  • JawfaceJawface Posts: 17 Fast Newbie
    It's pretty natural to develop feelings for someone if you feel like you can be open with them. As a side point, if there's no evidence that she finds you annoying, then she doesn't find you annoying. I can understand why you'd wonder this given that at the moment you don't talk to people outside your family about your personal issues, but it sounds to me like she's helping you because she wants to.

    I take your point that you don't want to ruin your friendship, particularly given that she seems to be the person you're closest to. Are there any other people in your uni/college that you can talk to about her? You don't necessarily have to tell them everything about yourself, but if they understand your friendship with her better than I do, then they might be better placed to advise you about this. 

    I hope there are generally other people you can hang out with, particularly if going to lectures alone is something you'd want to avoid. Honestly if someone who sat next to me in a lecture introduced themselves to me, I'd be happy to chat with them, and I think that would apply to most people too. So if you find yourself going to lectures alone (for whatever reason), you won't really be alone unless you deliberately sit by yourself. 

    It's also possible that when you were anxious about her not being there, it was more because you missed her, rather than because you felt alone. 

    In any case, it's great to hear that you're meeting up with her, this might help you understand your feelings a bit more.

    Tell me how it all goes! If you wish.
    TheAprilFoolpeachysoo
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert
    Jawface said:
    It's pretty natural to develop feelings for someone if you feel like you can be open with them. As a side point, if there's no evidence that she finds you annoying, then she doesn't find you annoying. I can understand why you'd wonder this given that at the moment you don't talk to people outside your family about your personal issues, but it sounds to me like she's helping you because she wants to.

    I take your point that you don't want to ruin your friendship, particularly given that she seems to be the person you're closest to. Are there any other people in your uni/college that you can talk to about her? You don't necessarily have to tell them everything about yourself, but if they understand your friendship with her better than I do, then they might be better placed to advise you about this. 

    I hope there are generally other people you can hang out with, particularly if going to lectures alone is something you'd want to avoid. Honestly if someone who sat next to me in a lecture introduced themselves to me, I'd be happy to chat with them, and I think that would apply to most people too. So if you find yourself going to lectures alone (for whatever reason), you won't really be alone unless you deliberately sit by yourself. 

    It's also possible that when you were anxious about her not being there, it was more because you missed her, rather than because you felt alone. 

    In any case, it's great to hear that you're meeting up with her, this might help you understand your feelings a bit more.

    Tell me how it all goes! If you wish.
    I guess I'm just having some trouble getting over not being allowed to express my feelings very much growing up. I also don't want to be that person who only has an interest in someone because they help them. I hope she finds talking to me helpful too.

    I kind of mentioned to my housemate that I have a crush on someone, but they haven't met yet. There's another girl we hang around with during lectures but I don't find her as easy to talk to and probably wouldn't be comfortable talking to her about this. I have a consultation with the university counsellor on Monday, so if it really becomes an issue I could talk to them about it. 

    I don't really mind sitting alone in lectures. I'm just worried that it would be difficult now that I look forward to seeing her every day. I agree that I probably just felt a bit anxious because I missed her, and I had been feeling a bit anxious that day anyway. 

    I'll keep you updated :)
  • AzzimanAzziman Posts: 408 Rampant Poster
    Hi TheAprilFool,

    I'd be careful with telling your friend about your crush - I don't want to put a downer on this, but I think it's important that you're prepared for all outcomes if and when you decide to tell them. Best case, she feels the same way about you, and it works out well - hopefully, that's the case! Worst case, she doesn't, and finds it uncomfortable around you. I know it's a difficult position to be in, but just make sure that you know what's at stake - hope that it all works out for you!

    Much love <3
    TheAprilFool
  • TheAprilFoolTheAprilFool Posts: 187 The Mix convert

    Hi TheAprilFool,

    I'd be careful with telling your friend about your crush - I don't want to put a downer on this, but I think it's important that you're prepared for all outcomes if and when you decide to tell them. Best case, she feels the same way about you, and it works out well - hopefully, that's the case! Worst case, she doesn't, and finds it uncomfortable around you. I know it's a difficult position to be in, but just make sure that you know what's at stake - hope that it all works out for you!

    Much love <3
    Thanks. I'd been thinking this through anyway. Just thought I'd talk it out with someone.
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