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End of First Love due to mental health issues

Ru12Ru12 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
So a month ago my first love broke up with me. Our relationship had been wonderful, we almost never argued and any problems we had we discussed and sorted out really well. We were completely head over heels for each other. We went on our gap year together and lived and worked together and still stayed just as much in love. Throughout our relationship we supported each other. He has been through some really hard things in his life and I knew he struggled but we talked about it when it played on his mind more and I thought he was doing fine because he hadn't said anything. 

My ex then suddenly didn't talk to me for a week and broke up with me at the end of it. His reasoning was that he wasn't happy, that he couldn't support me if he couldn't support himself and he didn't want to hold me back. I asked if he didn't love me anymore and he just shook his head but later in the conversation when I said he didn't love me, he disagreed. So at this point I have no idea if he loves me or not. I think he doesn't even know if he loves me or not. 

Four weeks down the line when I talked to him he said he wasn't ok. I don't think I can cope knowing he's not ok. I'm the only one he's talked to about what's wrong and I really want to be there for him. I'm focusing on keeping busy and doing things I like and being with my friends so I can move on but I can't stop worrying about him. Even writing this post I can't make sense of what to do. Last time we spoke I asked if he wanted to talk about him not being ok and he just said no. I'm not going to force him to talk but it's so worrying knowing he just keeps it all inside. 

Is there anything I can do? 


  • Candlestick56Candlestick56 Posts: 90 Budding Regular
    Hey Ru12,

    I'm really sorry your relationship ended the way it did. It sounds like you were really happy with each other, which must make it really difficult to process emotionally.

    It is very difficult to feel happy in a relationship if you don't feel happy in yourself. Maybe he just needs a while to spend some focused time on himself and to get himself into a more stable place emotionally, to feel ready to commit to the relationship?

    It can be easy to see the decision as selfish from your side of things, but I think it can be important to think about how difficult it must have been for him to make that decision, and to tell you, knowing it would hurt you. It's actually a really brave decision to break up with someone if you know something isn't right, whatever it is. You have to feel ready to commit to someone else, and being in a good place mentally, feeling comfortable in yourself, is really necessary for that. 

    Knowing he's not doing so well is bound to make you upset when you care about him so much, but if he's said he wants time apart, then you need to respect him and give him that space. You can let him know you'll always be there if he wants to talk, but you can't pressure him into talking as you say. The thing is, it will probably take him some time to figure out what he wants, but the likelihood is that he will. People are stronger than you think, and if he can't talk to you, chances are he will find another way to cope. If he can't, he'll talk to you when he's ready. All you can do at this point is leave the door open, and take a step back, as painful as that might be.
  • Ru12Ru12 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    Hey Ru12,

    I'm really sorry your relationship ended the way it did. It sounds like you were really happy with each other, which must make it really difficult to process emotionally...
    @Candlestick56 Thank you so much for the advice. I've known for a few weeks that I need to step back but I haven't been able to find the strength to do so. Now that I know it's the best thing for him I'm going to let him know I'm always there and leave him to it. You've really helped. 
  • EyepatchEyepatch Posts: 666 Incredible Poster
    Went through something similar with my current parter, we decided that rather than breaking up we were going on a break for just over a month. We were both very busy and dealing with mental health issues at the time, we didn't talk that whole time. But after we both realised that we had just needed some space to sort out our own thoughts.

    You could ask him if he wants to try this too, agree not to talk to each other for a while, no social media or anything, even unfollow each other so that you don't see each others online posts. Afterwards just meet up online or in person and chat about getting back together. It can be good to have some time to get to know yourself before going back into a relationship.

    Let him know that he's not holding you back, because you want to support him. I can't promise that its going to be okay, but know that we are always here if you want to talk about it :) 
    "Sometimes we find ourselves stuck between choosing what is right, and what is easy." 
  • Ru12Ru12 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    @Eyepatch thank you so much for your advice. I would love for that to be an option but we're just going our separate ways now with the hope to be friends once we've healed.
  • AzzimanAzziman Moderator, Community Champion Posts: 1,715 Extreme Poster
    Hey Ru12,

    Sorry to hear what you've both been through. To be honest, I can't imagine it was easy for him to say this to you - it must have hurt to break up with you, knowing that he was causing his partner pain. I think it's best to keep a balance - make yourself available and open in case he wants to talk. But a common mistake is to keep letting him know you're here, that he should talk etc, because that ends up simply pushing him further away. I know things will be tough right now for you both, but trust that you both need a little time to healx

    Much love <3
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  • Ru12Ru12 Posts: 7 Confirmed not a robot
    An update on the situation:

    Since my original post so much has been going on. To put it briefly we agreed to talk for my benefit so I could ask some questions and try and get some closure. We set a day to talk and then he blanked me for about a week before saying there was nothing left to be said and we both needed time apart to heal before we can be friends. I know he needs time and I really struggled to let go for a while. I told him I agree that we shouldn't talk and i wish him all the happiness in the world because he deserves it. 

    Its a relief in a way to know I don't have to wait for a message from him or wonder what he wants. It's also very sad because we aren't going to be in each other's lives for a while. I really hope we can be friends in the future and maybe one day we'll fall back in love. I really hope he finds happiness in the meantime. He's such an amazing, kind, fun person and he's so hard on himself so I just hope life treats him well and that he gets through this.

    I've still got a long way to go 
    but I'm on the right track. Every day I have moments where I feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger but on the whole it's getting easier. I've been doing loads of exercise and eating healthily and I'm finding I'm less anxious to get out and about. I used to go on long drives to try and sort out my thoughts and I don't have to anymore. I'm really trying to focus on positive things. Next week I move to uni and I'm so excited to meet new people and make new friends. Lots of people are trying to get me in the "single" mindset by focusing on potential new men but I'm not ready for that yet. I don't want anybody else because I'm still in love so for now I'm just going to be by myself and try and be happy. And I'm also going to give myself a break when I do get sad because im too hard on myself. I've also decided to channel my energy into trying to help other people with their issues because if I can't help him at least I can help some one. 

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