Selective Mutism

[Deleted User]

I've just seen my doctor over a problem that has been worrying me for sometime. My inability to speak, an unwillingness to engage in conversation. Unable to speak or get words together I clam up, unable to say anything. At first, I put this down to shyness, blaming social anxiety. But my doctor said I have what is known as Selective Mutism, stemming from childhood trauma. He was correct. My late mum and dad had violent streaks making my life a misery, and that wasn't just being shouted at. The domestic violence also led me to sh, but that is a different area since successfully dealt with, I am very pleased to say.

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/selective-mutism/

The trauma I experienced in the past caused me to calm up. Looking back, I suppose that to compensate for this inability to speak, I found a way of expressing myself through music and painting. Still, this is going to be another challenge in my life.

During the course of an average day I can and do speak to certain people such as family and close friends. But to strangers, no, though I never avoid eye contact with them. According to my mood and I'm unaware of this happening, my eyes change colour. I asked my doctor could this be a barrier between me and others I'm speaking to, putting mutism aside? He said though it's unusual, the effect my eyes have on others could be very offputting. But I can't prevent that I said, especially when getting narked they change to a stormy dark grey. When I'm happy though, they're a light blue tinged with gold flecks. Oddly, I wasn't aware of this until only a couple of years ago when a close friend told me. I know my eyes have a disarming effect on people. They either remain talking to me, or look uneasy and sometimes walk away leaving me standing there feeling like a prat. Pair this with the mutism now and it's no wonder I have few friends. It's demoralizing.

I'm already having counselling for domestic violence done to me in a previous relationship, and my lovely young Sophie also. Things are gradually getting better for us though our sessions have been difficult and stressful. Perhaps I should tell my counsellor I've been diagnosed with selective mutism? See what they say?

Azziman

Hi Mandy,

I'm sorry to hear that - it must be really tough to tackle something like this, but I'm glad that you've been able to uncover this truth, as that's the first step on the road to recovery

Mutism is a really complex psychological issue, and in various types, and in many cases, it stems from childhood. You mentioned that your parents had verbally and physically violent episodes, and it's likely that your experience of violence in your recent relationship may have brought it back up or made it worse as well.

It's great that you've got the counsellor already. I know that it can very tough sometimes, as it means you have to talk about subjects you're uncomfortable around, but bringing them out into the open can help you to tackle it head-on and resolve it, rather than let it swim around your mind endlessly. I think that bringing this up with the counsellor would be good, and should be done in my opinion. Not only does this allow you to talk about this issue in the open with someone you trust, but the counsellor can also help you to find ways to resolve it and find coping mechanisms as well. In addition, it helps both you and the counsellor to connect the dots and piece together this puzzle that is your life and wellbeing.

I actually read a book about mutism, although elective mutism as opposed to selective mutism, by Torey Hayden, called "Silent Boy". It's a really good read, and it perhaps could provide some perspective into your experience. Some people find that reading about people with similar conditions/issues to their own is helpful, so thought I'd mention it x

Much love

[Deleted User]

Thank you for sharing this, @Azziman You've given me much to think about.

I am feeling rather low this evening, but it's beena tough day. But what you shared is going to be most helpful though I'm going to have to work through the domestic violence part in smaller 'slices'. It's become rather too much for me, and with this neverending heat not helping, I may have to take a break off the forum.

You are a very good friend. I highly value your comments.

Love back to you,

Mandy

Rayofhope

Hi Mandy,

Sorry to here that you were feeling low, how are you feeling now? Its great that you have realised that it might help to work through things in slightly smaller slices as it can be hard  to realise that we may need to take things slower. Going through things which are hard can change the way we may respond to certain situations so its understandable that you might be selectively mute. Well done for getting some advice from the doctors about things.

Its fine to take a break from the forum you do what you need to do to help yourself, remember that we are always here for you at any point.

Here for you.

Rayofhope

[Deleted User]

Rayofhope said:

Hi Mandy,

Sorry to here that you were feeling low, how are you feeling now? Its great that you have realised that it might help to work through things in slightly smaller slices as it can be hard  to realise that we may need to take things slower. Going through things which are hard can change the way we may respond to certain situations so its understandable that you might be selectively mute. Well done for getting some advice from the doctors about things.

Its fine to take a break from the forum you do what you need to do to help yourself, remember that we are always here for you at any point.

Here for you.

Rayofhope

Hello @Rayofhope

It's been a week since returning from hospital having celluilitis in my leg and consequently suffering more pain, an elephant load of antiobiotics and numerous other meds to keep me living including some beta blockers because the vicious infection affected my heart. Throughout this week I've given thought to the mutism and to my delight, found playing singing quite a release! Being a musician helps release that stubborness to talk, so I can express my feelings through the lyrics I write when entertaining people. And getting paid for it.

As for why I don’t talk to strangers, I don’t really know. Something deep within me is telling me that bad things will happen if I talk to those people. I know it’s stupid and irrational, but when I’m in that situation liike for example in town and there are friendly tourists all around, reasonable thoughts don’t make much sense to me.  Physically I can talk to them, and sometimes do, but it causes me a ridiculous amount of anxiety. It’s generally easier to just avoid talking at all.

At home among family I love and trust, I’m not in a constant state of anxiety and can function pretty normally. The anxiety comes in when I know I should be talking, or when I am forced to talk. Does that make sense? The main reason this is so hard for me to explain is because this is my normal. I’ve forgotten how it feels to be able to talk freely all the time so it’s hard to pinpoint the exact differences between the way I feel about talking and the way most other people feel about talking.

Whereas when I visit a gay club with my girfriend, dressing up in killer black leather shorts, boots and a leather laced vest makes me, I know, incredibly hot looking. That feeling helps my anxiety, though my girlfriend gets jealous looks which I suppose is understanding, heh! In such a club where the atmosphere is intimate and the lighting is subdued and enjoy a soft drink, my anxiety flees. Pick up my guitar and sit on a stool and I go into my world once again, expressing myself in moving lyrics and feeling liberated. Same when playing my sax. It gives me power. Power I claim back. I do drink alcohol, but have never relied on it to boost me up. Being on such a cocktail of meds post-hospital, it doesn't do to drink anyway.

Socialising I don't do, though a BBQ at home is fun but then, I'm with family so the selective mutism doesn't rear its ugly head. Also sit at a caff getting my caffeine fix and that feels so good that conversation doesn't need to spoken. Or when with my adorable youngster Sophie or my girlfriend, then conversation comes easy.

Sophie and I are already seeing a counsellor each for the domestic violence and we are progressing well especially my youngster I's so pleased to tell you. When our sessions end though, then I am going to see about getting CBT. And then feelings I expect will become more intense.

In my past there has been a lot of trauma. A violent father thankfully dead now. An alcoholic mother, also. A violent ex strung out on substances and having a nastiness that I cannot speak of, all this is going to take a very long time and I don't doubt there will be tears. But I have hope, and my little family have been tremendously supportive. Once completely over my recent illness, then perhaps I will fly.

Former Member

Hey @Floxy

From your last response it sounds like you have a reasonably rational assessment of which environments you feel most comfortable in, and which allow you not to feel the pressure of having to talk. Music sounds like a great answer! You play the guitar, and the sax, and you sing?! A question I had from that is whether your little youngster, Sophie, plays any instruments or sings? And if she does or if she doesn’t, whether you play (and/or maybe teach) music to her?

Don’t worry about not wanting to talk to strangers – everybody is different and there is no point putting yourself in a situation that is going to make you feel anxious. Something that I thought was interesting is how you imply that you used to be able to talk freely all the time, and I was wondering whether now you feel like that is an aspect of your personality that you want to keep or that you are happy to let go? We all change as individuals over time and different parts of our personalities are amplified and other parts of our personas are diminished. How do you feel now that you don’t want to talk all the time?

Seems as though your relationship with alcohol is healthy and that you understand how it can interact with your meds. In regards to counselling, and future CBT, have you also tried mindfulness meditation as well? Not as a substitute for either counselling or CBT, but it might help as a supplement to just allot yourself 5 to 10 to 15 minutes each day to focusing on you and your mind. 

Your positivity and optimism about the future is amazing and it is wise to appreciate that dealing with traumatic experiences is not a quick process. Wishing you and Sophie lots of positive thoughts for the future and even if I do not respond to your post there is always someone at the Mix here to listen.

[Deleted User]

Hello @JamJar

I'm guardian to Sophie who is forstered by my aunt and have her staying with me full time. Twelve years old, she's lovely to live with and is an eager learner of music. She's learning to play acoustic guitar and sings like a bird. I'm looking for a good teacher to give her singing lessons. I have a collection of guitars, among them a fine custome Manuel Rodriguez Spanish classical which has nylon strings that are kinder to her fingers. Sophie shows a talent for lyrics, so hopefully once I find a good teacher then she can learn my guitar properly and be taught to sing. She's defitely talented. Once she gets used to the nylon strings then later I will trust her with my Taylor and teach her to pick its steel strings with one of my homemade plectrums. Sophie's nice and comfortable around guitars, but not my sax. That would be overloading her.

When I've been out busking and in familiar surroundings sat with a guitar, then the anxiety leaves and yes, I do sing. Again, no mutism. This is probably why I feel so liberated when singing. I'm putting a number of songs together to make a album. Then give it to my agent to distribute. Like my ex though she is well known across Europe, I feel more centred in Spain and Mallorca. I'm all for the simple life, not an international one or my emotional problems would hit overload.

I have to be optimistic. It's unthinkable otherwise, or it would feel like giving up.  As my signature states, I'm driven by self doubt. I use self-doubt to work in a positive way. My family, my girlfriend like my stance. But I believe that I will get well again, given time. Months ago I used to quite poorly during my self-injuring episodes, but gradually I came away from it because somebody close to me at the time said they believed in me.

Likewise my family have been tremendously supportive, but I still get unwelcome memories. The amount of counselling can be overwhelming which is why I am having to limit professional help so I don't get emotionally flooded. Would you know what I mean? I love painting in oils, too. That is so relaxing, but I use that hobby as a reward after working in my family business, bed & breakfast though we have staff now. It's all about getting the right balance. Not doing too much, but doing what needs to be on the day. Not tomorrow. Tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. And I keep a diary to write in every hour if need be.

Getting sorted is going to take a long time. But I have plenty of time ahead, and as the phrase goes, 'Rome wasn't built overnight'. I still get down days, but we all do. A recent infection of cellulitis brought me low, sending me to hospital and even a week later I still get dreadfully tired as it affected my heart. It means slowing down, but maintaining my pace. Doing this helps keep the anxiety down, but I keep away from crowds not because I'm unsociable per se, but because it's sensible to.

Aspects of my personality spark up when a subject of conversation grabs my whole attention. Funny, but I'm loving the company of fellow musicians and given a slot to have a jam session with them being part of their group, that would be when I feel completely free inside, the mutism gone and forgotten. This is something I will want to discuss at a later date with a counsellor. See if they can open up another aspect where otherwise I'd clam up and walk away. I just don't do small talk. Never have never will. But I feel it's important to sit with someone I feel comfortable with. That can help me talk.

You asked, 'How do you feel now that you don’t want to talk all the time?' I don't feel the need to chatter away all of the time, but one very liberating experience is being in general chat with a moderator that I really like, and like this evening I found chatting was such fun. I was in super company, felt totally relaxed and safe. What could be better than having a good time among like-minded friends in general chat? Have you visited? If not then you must!

Earlier I went to sleep, but woke and found you here and I really appreciated your help. Thank you so much for your support.

Just adding something I missed out, but you asked if I did meditation? I used to, but since becoming a Christian recently I've turned to reading my bible bought last week, and turn to reading the Psalms and finding comfort in (Psalm 91 for example) and direction, being part of my daily quiet time. I come away feeling more able to face the day. I'm also learning to pray and finding joy and meaning in it.