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Am I being unreasonable?
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[Deleted User]
Posts: 0 Just got here
Our twins have been constantly asking for gear ranging from clothes to phones, and I wouldn't mind if they realised that money has to be earnt so they can enjoy all these lovely things instead of taking money for granted. So what I did was have them learn its value by scrubbing the kitchen and lobby floors. Despite my aunt having a hissy fit saying I was mean heartless bitch, I gave Sophie and John knee pads and gloves, a scrubbing brush each and a bucket of very hot soapy water.
Fed up with my aunt going on, I asked her to leave. Grumpy for not being listened to, she threatened all sorts, but I was adament that if I was to mother a pair of gentle 12 year old preteens, then I would jolly well do it alone. My partner said I brave to do this, but leave her out of it as she has a band to run. OK, I may be her partner, girlfriend or even Girl Friday, but when tasks need to be done such as repairing gutters 30ft up a ladder in pouring rain for saving 80 quid, or fixing the showerhead or anything around the house - that would be me.
Looking back to the miserable time I had with my own mother and how horribly unpleasant she was, I was determined that the twins bestowed on me should live happy lives, but surely it's not unreasonable to make them learn the value of money? Is it? I'm not a harridan.
Though Sophie and John complained at first, I stuck to tough love and insisted they scrubbed the stone floor to bring it back to its original loveliness. Putting a tray of cold drinks on the table, I walked away and left them to it. I had 4 hours of bookkeeping to do. When not playing saxophone in Belle's band, I keep financial records for business owners and get paid well for it. It's been a little business for some time and now I have money to earn to keep a loving but fragile pair of twins.
Five hours later, both looked exhausted, but the floors looked absolutely wonderful. True to my word, I opened my attache case and showed them the money. Their eyes were as big as saucers. AWW!
Aunt remains in a dark sulk. Too bad. For me, being a good parent is admitting you're sometimes wrong - but half the time I'm having to make parenting up as I go along. Is that a bad thing?
This evening when the shops reopen, we're going shopping.
Fed up with my aunt going on, I asked her to leave. Grumpy for not being listened to, she threatened all sorts, but I was adament that if I was to mother a pair of gentle 12 year old preteens, then I would jolly well do it alone. My partner said I brave to do this, but leave her out of it as she has a band to run. OK, I may be her partner, girlfriend or even Girl Friday, but when tasks need to be done such as repairing gutters 30ft up a ladder in pouring rain for saving 80 quid, or fixing the showerhead or anything around the house - that would be me.
Looking back to the miserable time I had with my own mother and how horribly unpleasant she was, I was determined that the twins bestowed on me should live happy lives, but surely it's not unreasonable to make them learn the value of money? Is it? I'm not a harridan.
Though Sophie and John complained at first, I stuck to tough love and insisted they scrubbed the stone floor to bring it back to its original loveliness. Putting a tray of cold drinks on the table, I walked away and left them to it. I had 4 hours of bookkeeping to do. When not playing saxophone in Belle's band, I keep financial records for business owners and get paid well for it. It's been a little business for some time and now I have money to earn to keep a loving but fragile pair of twins.
Five hours later, both looked exhausted, but the floors looked absolutely wonderful. True to my word, I opened my attache case and showed them the money. Their eyes were as big as saucers. AWW!
Aunt remains in a dark sulk. Too bad. For me, being a good parent is admitting you're sometimes wrong - but half the time I'm having to make parenting up as I go along. Is that a bad thing?
This evening when the shops reopen, we're going shopping.
0
Comments
I understand where you're coming from, wanting the best for your children but not wanting them to become spoiled. I don't think your actions were wrong nor bad, but maybe not the most ideal (I don't really think you should make children work for that long; maybe 1 hour would've sufficed, but that's just my opinion and I'm not a parent myself). That said, there's no single "right way" to raise your children. It's inevitable that your experiences would lead to your actions which would then lead into how your children are moulded (to use really awkward terms because I can't think of much better words right now), though I personally agree with your want for them to be more appreciative.
It's natural (most) parents want the best for their children, but "the best" is a bit of a vague term and is different for everyone, similar to how the parent would then go onto raise their child. Your aunt may not have agreed with you, but that doesn't mean she's right and you're wrong, nor that you're right and she's wrong. But I don't really think it's her place to intervene either (and I think having a "hissy fit" and calling you a "mean bitch" is really just very unproductive) , because you haven't done anything to put your children in danger in this situation, you're just trying to show them how tough reality can be.
I've not grown up not in the best background, but not in the worst background either. My mum immigrated at a really young age, and never got a proper education and struggled getting jobs (though she now balances two part time jobs at minimum wage), and my dad lives away. His salary is decent, but not the best, and he lives in London, so living costs are high anyway, so it's all relative. Because of this, my family (my dad particularly) has been quite strict regarding money, and I've grown up with some sort of phobia of spending money. Regardless, I guess I did used to be quite spoiled, in the sense that I wanted a lot of things. I wanted people to buy me everything I wanted. It didn't really happen, naturally, but I did still get some gifts here and there. I don't know at what point, though, I started feeling guilty for receiving presents, or spending money myself. I never used to appreciate how hard and how much my parents worked for myself and my younger sister - I remember I even called my dad a "disappointment" when I was around 9 years old. It really hurts me to think about it now, because it's such a terrible and hurtful thing to say. I much more greatly appreciate everything my parents do now, it's definitely not easy nor ideal. I've learnt that you can't buy love, and there's more to life than materialism, but now I'm working hard and trying my best to achieve my dream job, and repay everything my parents have done for me.
In short, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but at the same time, I feel like it's normal to a certain extent to have a plethora of wants (expensive gifts and stuff) as a child, perhaps it's even more inevitable now with developments in technology and such, so that they're a lot more common in childhood. It can be quite a shock, especially if you yourself never grew up in a similar environment (which, again, is only natural with rapid developments occurring in such a short amount of time). I can understand if your children may just want to fit in, because everyone has this or that, but I also understand that, sometimes, it's just not possible to afford all this. I'm not sure if anyone else has had a similar experience to me, but maybe being more appreciative of money will come with age and increased awareness.
You've done what you thought was best, and there's nothing wrong with that.
-peachysoo
Hi peachysoo,
What I omitted was the specifics which would have made my original post much longer, but I'd asked Sophie and John to save the patina of the limestone flagstones which had built up over years of hard use and just get the grime off which was particularly bad around the stove area. The lobby was very bad, but I was most impressed with the care the twins made on the flooring as a whole. Being sympathetic to the age of this old finca, a Spanish farmhouse I bought two months ago, they continued cleaning the walls and still maintained the property's lovely character. When B my partner arrived home, she was equally impressed and thanked our twins for their hard work.
I'm proud of our children, for they had worked hard though the air conditioning was on throughout, but took breaks in-between on my asking so as not get overly tired. During the afternoon they rested after enjoying a crab salad which I prepared in our nice clean kitchen. It's great being able to buy straight from the fishermen in our village just outside Alcúdia as we are not beseiged by tourists except for the occasional walker. It is peaceful here and we have a large garden leading down to the sea and a private beach. Our home is going to take a lot of renovation and will probably take a long time to get right. We brought our owl and dog and I'm renting a van until my lovingly restored Citroen 2CV Dolly arrives off the ship next week.
Our aunt failed to return, and I was grateful she didn't because I don't take kindly to being sworn at. Throughout my childhood and that of my partner's, she had been overbearing and Scrooge-like. She was just as horrible to the rest of our family, while we young teens were trying to make sense of a new life that our original parents had tragically denied us of. Our aunt had no place intervening as you mentioned, but that is her abrasive nature and we have to live with it. The exception though, is I will not be shouted and sworn at in my own house and not allow harridan aunts to step in to continue making our lives a misery. This was why B and I moved here, to get away from our older aunts who for many years made our lives a misery. I will not ever allow my loving young twins to suffer the same fate. My partner is equally loving, and we are discovering how demanding parenting is, but are loving the privilege of being parents.
Curiously, it was not so much the money the twins were in awe of, but they'd taken more interest in my handmade leather Swaine Adeney attache case. Sophie asked may she have one, followed by John asking if the case could be in a different colour. Typical twins they share the same good taste in clothing, but different colours in similar styles. They have good taste though not wildly expensive taste. Smarting from remembering how much my case cost me, I said I'd think about it as it's not something I would readily give to such young people though both are exceptionally bright. Later I decided on a handsome pair of Ghirlandaio small travel desk attache cases by Pratesi in Italy. Still expensive, but not costing the fortune mine did.
What we did later as intended was go into town and shopped for clothes, but I was grateful they already knew what they wanted in clothes which I gladly bought and my partner bought them an iPad each as she knows more about computers than me. Instead of spending a fortune on Apple iPhones as their cost is very high in Mallorca here, the twins were grateful for an Huawei phone each though they still weren't cheapie-cheaps, so we bought them a lossless audio player each and a decent pair of headphones along with a Kindle I ordered off amazon before we left.
We appreciated that our children were aware of how much we were spending, but young John had a definite idea of what he wanted. He chose a navy blue blazer, a crisp white shirt and a lovely blue silk tie, some well cut grey worsted trousers and a smart pair of black shoes. Sophie chose a classy dress for evening wear and some nice casual soft denim jeans, a lovely pale blue cardi and some good shoes by Ecco. We dropped their clothes and gear off at a hotel we were performing at this evening, then collected everything after our show and went home. Our twins thanked us for a great evening during which they sat at the front and behaved themselves as they always do. Our concert was great, our audience super and we went home paid well for our music, though we were tired out.
I reckon that our children will grow up good, for they are gentle and lovingly respectful for what we have given them. Whatever your dream job is going to be, peachysoo, I'm sure that your parents will be rewarded by your kindness and appreciation for all that they did for you. Thank you for writing what was such a detailed and sensitive reply, and I am most grateful for your kindness and understanding.
Mandy
Here is a fine example of home schooling which has been used by my family including me: https://wolseyhalloxford.org.uk/
Fees may seem high, but cost a lot less than being sent to a private school. The online tuition has been excellent, and has never been faulted.
Hiya Mandy!
There's no handbook on parenting - you simply do what you think is right in order to bring up your children to be the best they can be! And you're right - all parents make mistakes, but that's simply human!
It's definitely important to teach children the value of money - of course, every parent has a different way to doing so!x
Don't worry - people may disagree with your methods, but that doesn't mean they're necessarily wrong. Do it the way you think is right!x
Much love
Hi @Azziman thank you for being so helpful.
I don't doubt there will always be someone to disagree with the way we parent our children, but there is no right or wrong way when trying to do one's best. I think half the time I'm having to deal with parenting as I go along, and our twins are being so lovely and if they should not, then I expect I'll find a way to deal with whatever comes. :cool:
Soph and John did a lovely job cleaning around our lovely old farm house. It's beginning to look much better now, and they have continued helping out and been rewarded. I'm surprised too that Soph is quite a good cook. Lunchtime she made us a super salad and a tasty dessert. I'm sure she'll go far.
Hi Mandy,
Thank you for your detailed reply! It was really heartwarming to read about the dynamics between your family, and how you compromised with alternatives for the more expensive gifts. It's truly lovely to hear that you have such good expectations for your children and, seeing how your partner and yourself choose to raise them from this post alone, I don't doubt that they'd be anything but gentle and respectful.
Thank you for sharing your experiences once more,
-peachysoo
Since I posted originally, John was discovered bullying his twin sister and sent home where the older family will take him into hand. It's usually traumatic when twins have to be separated, but John's behavior terrified poor Sophie and as her 'mum' it's my duty to make sure she leads a happy life.
Children, animals and birds are what I love and Sophie has been great settling in, happy building nesting boxes for our wild birds and making feeding tubes with my drill set to hang them up in the branches of our trees and shrubs. Seeing her so happy, even watching her feeding a fledgeling starling is wonderful, and one day when Belle and I are married, I think we'll likely start a family of our own. Sophie is staying with us full time now, and my learning to be a good parent has been quite a challenge, but seeing her happy almost skipping around tells me I'm on the right track.
Interesting also is Sophie not spending ages on her phone or iPad. She knows not to use them at least an hour before bedtime because these devices throw off a blue light which I believe causes insomnia. I have good expectations of our girl. She goes to bed early during the week and without being asked. At weekends especially when we are doing a concert, will sit in the rear of our stage where it's safe and rest. By the time we finish, I make sure she gets to our van to sleep on the way home. Our roadies are good in watching out for her.
Learning to live together in harmony means we all have to work at it. Belle and I have started giving Sophie a monthly allowance so she can spend on what is needed. Clothes are always a girl's best friend, and are cheap enough to buy in our village and town's markets. I also like the interest she's got in our kitchen when watching Belle cook. Sophie's a live wire alright, and next year when she begins her teen years it will be interesting to see how she makes out.ice talking to you and have a good weekend!:rainbow2:
Mandy