Sex with an older guy and I'm 19

Former Member

Hi everyone..
I broke up with my boyfriend a few weeks ago and we are on good(ish) terms at the moment. I wasn't upset over it and we were just no good together.
So I work in a hotel bar and business men or workers come in during the week and there is one guy who is 34 and he has been staying at the hotel I work at for just under a year. When my boyfriend and I split he gave me his number,came with me and work colleagues for drinks and we became close..to the point where we text eachother all day everyday about random things. I have even spent multiple nights in his hotel room with him doing nothing but watching TV,talking ,the occasional kiss and sleeping.
However lately our texts have become more sexual..not to the point where dirty talk has come up but just him saying that he does want to have sex with me and he has told me this in person aswell.
I am not scared or hesitant about having sex with him to an extent on he is much more experienced but at the same time I worry about what he wants from me and what we are. I dont see him as a long term relationship but I don't see him as a "Sex buddy" either.
I don't even know what I am asking of you guys to tell me..I guess this is something I just had to write down and get off my chest.

Former Member

Hey Hollie! Glad to hear your breakup went well and you're handling it so maturely, Kudos to you!
Also, thank you for sharing about this other guy. It seems like your relationship to him might be quite unclear and fuzzy at the moment. If that's the case, is this something you'd feel comfortable bringing up in conversation to him some time? Sometimes laying down boundaries before delving deeper in a relationship, whether serious or casual, can be really helpful in managing expectations and misinterpretations between people.
You mentioned not really knowing in what light to you as yet see him as. The Mix has an article on Friends with Benefits on http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-rel...fits-5505.html . Perhaps you can find something useful on there.
Here's a link to a very interesting discussion board on the mix about when to know if a relationship if right for you http://www.themix.org.uk/community/f...-right-for-you.
As for the age gap, There's also an article on that too
http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/age-gaps-2917.html. It's very helpful when evaluating the sustainability of relations with an older partner.

All the best to you Hollie! Gabriele

Siena

Hi Hollie

Glad the break up wasnt difficult & that youre on still goodish term.

I hear what youre saying & think can feel a bit confusing on where we are with people. But i think sometimes it can be helpful to ask ourselves questions like- Would you see him as a friend instead? Does his age bother you a lot.? To help work how you feel maybe.....If you dont see him as a long term relationship then i think is best to have a chat with him about where the relationship is leading and how you both are feeling maybe? And remember you never need to have sex with him if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Take Care

Former Member

Hey Hollie :wave:

Thank you for sharing your thoughts :rainbow:
It's good to hear that your split up with your ex boyfriend has not caused too much trouble and it's also good to hear that you have met this new guy you like to spend time with.
A good communication could help you understand better what you'd expect from each other. Before that, it could be good to consider what you actually need right now, whether it's better for you to start a new relationship (even a short one, as you say that you don't see him as a long term boyfriend) or to spend some time alone, whether it's better for you to have any distraction or to look for a new serious relationship..After that you could start thinking about what you like about him and what worries you (age and experience as you said for example), in order to have a clearer idea of "costs and benefits", in order to understand what's best for you. In the end definitely having a chat with him and expressing your feelings and thoughts and listening to his could be a really good thing!!
Always remember you are never forced to do anything you don't feel comfortable with and that you have every right to express your thoughts and feelings.

All the best,

-Fran

Former Member

Hey Hollie!

​Thank-you for feeling confident enough to share how you are feeling about the situation. It can feel very reliving to release your thoughts! :yes:

​You appear to be confused about the relationship you and the other person may have and appear to worry about what he wants. Maybe you could simply try vocalising your inner thoughts with him about how you feel. As you and him appear to communicate frequently, this may be a helpful solution as it may clarify any grey areas. You could consider creating boundaries in your relationship to prevent yourself from feeling uncomfortable. Also, try to remember that your relationship with him does not need a strict title i.e. 'boyfriend and girlfriend'. Your relationship can be as fluid as you would like it to be and it can also change over time.

Remember: 'age is just a number baby!' - Stephenie Meyer.

​Good Luck!

-Tee A:wave:

Azziman

Hi Hollie,

That's okay - writing issues or concerns down can be really helpful in giving us some perspective to our problems. To be honest, you won't be able to know what he wants from this relationship unless he tells you. What you can know is what you want from this relationship - you said you don't see it as a long-term relationship, but then you also say you don't see him a "sex only" partner. Knowing what you're looking for in this relationship can be important in being in a healthy and happy relationship!x

Much love

Former Member

Hi everyone,
Thanks for everyone's advice and comments.
So the night I made this whole post was the night the guy and I did have sex. We spent the night together we still text each other everyday.
Still the same problem of I have no idea what he wants and I haven't really had the chance to talk to him face to face because we have been sick. Last week he was staying in the hotel and he wasn't feeling good so I went up to see him and brought him medicine and water and we spent the night together (which is what made me get sick too). No sex just him cuddling me, holding my hand,kissing me and just wanting to be near me. That's what confuses me because we aren't together but we don't act like we are just a simple hookup either that he will forget about...But I don't think this is a discussion for texting but more face to face.

But then you have the dilemma of he is only here temporarily. His work that ties him to the hotel I work at is finished this month and he is only here for maybe another week and a bit and then he leaves to his next job which could be anywhere..so is there any point in pursuing this?
Sorry even reading this myself sounds like a lot and like i'm making a big deal out of something that doesn't need to be. But like I said, i don't know what I am asking for you to tell me, I guess just writing it down helps me get my mind around it

Former Member

Hi Hollie

Could you text him and meet up, have dinner together or something and have a chat about this? You're definitely not making a big deal out of nothing, these situations can be so confusing when you don't know where you stand! But the best way to find out is by being open and honest, talking it out. You could talk about the future too, his next job etc, and get his thoughts before you make your mind up about pursuing it?

Take care, let us know how you get on :rainbow:

- Lucy

Former Member

Hey @Hollie,
It's understandable that you are experiencing such feelings and thoughts, so don't feel like you are making a big deal, because it's not like that.
As Lucy said, talking to him openly as soon as you both recover and before he leaves could be good, because it will help you sort things out and "give a name" to what you are currently living together. It would just help you realize what he wants and what you want and need.

All the best,

- Fran

Former Member

Hi again everyone,
And thanks again for everyone's comments and things, they really help me with thinking this isn't just me overthinking.
Anyways, the guy has left now and I don't really speak to him anymore sadly, maybe a small 4 text conversation once a week or 2. So I guess it doesn't really matter anymore, although I still do feel annoyed and toyed with. We acted like so much more than just a simple hookup whenever he staying at where I worked.
The worst part is now I am starting to go out more but I keep thinking that if he was to come back for a few days I would cancel any plans just to be with him again, which isn't ideal because of how we are now...
But thanks again to everyone that has helped and given me advice I really appreciate it

-Hollie x

Former Member

Hey Hollie!! It's so sad to hear that you are feeling annoyed and toyed with. I really hope that you can find sometime just for yourself, to do something that helps you distract in order for you to be able to turn this page.
I once read in a book that what causes us more bad feelings is thinking about the past or the future, but ignoring the present: then, my advice is to focus on the present and to live day by day, hoping this would improve your feelings!

Wishing you all the best,

- Fran :rainbow2:

Former Member

Hi Fran,
Thanks that's what I am doing now..living day by day, and it's alot easier not thinking about the future and not thinking about him and all the what ifs and confusion about what happened.
And I'm going on holiday soon to get my mind off of everything.
Thanks again everyone x
-Hollie xx