How to convince my foreign girlfriend to stay for good? Need advice!

Former Member

My girlfriend from Cuba visited me about six months ago. We had a really great time together. Her visit here made me realize how much I want her to stay with me in my country. I've been trying to convince her but she seems doubtful of the idea. Her argument is that she's not sure if the life in my country is fit for her. My point is that this could be a practice when she finally stays here when we get married. Am I wrong for assuming such thing?
We started our relationship about two years ago after meeting on A Foreign Affair. We didn’t have that “instant connection” like what others say they had but I’d be lying if I said there wasn’t a spark.
About three months or so of casual talking I opened up to her about my growing feelings, and we eventually got together. Should I wait another year before asking her to stay with me for good?
Lately I’ve been missing her so much, and it got me thinking, why not ask her to stay with me for good? Maybe we can work on her papers or something. Do I have to marry her before she can stay her for good?
Does she need to work when she stays here? I have a decent salary that can support as both comfortably. I need advice on how to ask her to stay and also with the laws we would need to follow, thanks so much for any advice you guys give me.

Former Member

Hello @kindhearted3 welcome to our forums. I hope you remain with us, for our forums are interesting and fun. Our various chat groups could also be helpful to get the support and receive the advice you so need.

First of all, I've never been in a relationship only recently had my first kiss... I have a crush. And that leads me to say that we girls have feelings which run very deep, like your girlfriend's. I'm wondering, does she really have reciprocal feelings for you? Her present worry is (1) getting a visa to join you in America and (2), vitally, is your job secure? You mention having a decent salary. Also, do you own a property that will provide you two a quality of life with a future that one day would bring fulfillment?

Though your salary is good, is your job a career? You see, it's going to huge step for your girl to move countries even though she realises how much you dote love on her. Another thing, she knows there are political difficulties between your country and her's. Cuba's chief negotiator Josefina Vidal has commented about the travel, commerce and financial restrictions unveiled by President Donald Trump and his administration. Also, the Trump administration's hard political stance on Cuba would make it difficult for her to come stay, since they would view her as an 'alien'. That is an unpleasant word, but US Immigration and Customs could make her entry into your country quite stressful because of the questions she will be required to answer. Your girlfriend would need a job anyway if she is to have a certain amount of financial independence. Some couples have joint bank accounts, but also they have individual accounts and your girl would want to get a job so she has money to spend for herself and not just for the pair of you.

You mentioned having that *spark*. But is that mutual? Is she equally attracted to you? Does she miss you as much as you miss her? Have you discussed marriage with her? Would she want to marry you? And what do your parents think? What do her parents feel, too? There are lots of questions here, and you need to find answers for them.

I expect she is thinking with her head and not with her heart. Presently, you and your girlfriend are doing the long distance thing. But is social media and Skype powerful enough for you and her to remain together?

You must ask your girlfriend to be upfront, honest and tell you. Depending on what she says, only then you will know if you two have a future or not.

All the best,
Belle

Former Member

Hey @kindhearted3,

I don't know much about immigration rules/laws so won't comment on those, but I think it would be good to organise a time to sit down together and have a chat about all of this (on Skype or whatever you use!) - it sounds like you are thinking quite seriously about the future but she currently has some doubts... The best way to get over doubts is to talk them through to make sure you are both on the same page. What could also be quite helpful is this article http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/long-distance-relationships-2943.html on long distance relationships - you aren't alone in finding it difficult and missing her and this gives you advice on what to do/coping mechanisms for while you're apart.

Hope that helps a little!

- Lucy :rainbow:

Azziman

Hi @kindhearted3,

I think it's useful to see it from her perspective. For her, she's in a completely different culture, different climate, with a person she likes but hasn't known for ages. It can be really intimidating to make that kind of move, so I think it's important to respect that and listen to her concerns. She'll really appreciate that!x

Much love

Former Member

Hey @kindhearted3

It's great that you had such a good time during your girlfriend's visit!

Like @Lucy307[/USER], I don't think I know enough on immigration laws and current politics to comment on these things, but, no doubt about it, it's not so straight forward. I agree with [USER="102549"]Mirabelle with the general idea about finances and careers, and visas as well; this move would be pretty expensive! I'd be able to understand that she might be feeling apprehensive if she had no guarantee of financial support if things were to turn south on this side alone.

​Furthermore, like @Azziman mentioned, it's useful to try imagine the situation from her perspective - moving to an entirely new country, although potentially also really exciting, is pretty daunting alone, due to a variety of reasons, such as culture shock, or moving away from family... As saddening (but also infuriating) as it is, the fact that xenophobia exists only makes this feel quite the more scary.

It's lovely that you envision marriage with your girlfriend, but, in all honesty, in my opinion, I get the sense (from her 'argument' and doubts about staying in another country) that, at least in this current moment of time, your girlfriend doesn't want to stay with you in your country, though that's definitely not to say that she doesn't want to break off the relationship either - she might simply just not feel ready to move, since it's quite a big step. To me, I think it's more important right now that you respect her feelings, rather than persist in trying to make her move with you. I understand how tough this must sound, but I believe pressuring her into anything she doesn't want (at least right now) will only make things sour.

You're not 'wrong' for assuming anything here, although I wouldn't say there's a 'right' either. Perhaps, rather than her fully and wholly moving and staying with you for good, you visit each other as regularly as you can, want, and need? And, rather than 'practice', just enjoy the time together as it is, without the stresses of thinking of it as practice for marriage. You might learn from spending more time together in person that, maybe, marriage might not be the best idea, and that's completely okay! I honestly really hate to mention the worst possible scenarios but, in the case that the relationship didn't work out, if your girlfriend and yourself had only regularly visited each other's countries, rather than fully moving, it would be much easier for your girlfriend, since she wouldn't necessarily have to find anywhere else to move and the transition would be much easier.

In the near-future, though, I think it's definitely worthwhile speaking to your girlfriend on Skype, or any other video-calling messenger especially, about your feelings, and missing her a lot, like everyone else has said. Oftentimes, just communicating right down to the core is the best cure!

I wish you both the best

-peachysoo