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Sexless relationship at 25
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been in a relationship with a guy (age 32) for just over 6 years now and the sex dropped off just over 3 years ago. I've always had a high sex drive, but so did he to start with. I would always instigate and get turned down, so my self-esteem nose-dived significantly. For ages, he just used the excuse that he was getting older and desired it less, but then he'd admit to pleasuring himself in the shower several times a week. I asked him to be the only instigator so that he could have it when he wanted it and I'd at least get something, but he very rarely even did that. I tried spicing things up with new lingerie, sex games etc, and he fell asleep, even on our anniversary.
It's now months that we go without and I've tried talking to him about it several times with different approaches and nothing seems to work. He now eventually tells me, we haven't had sex in so long that he feels awkward instigating it...any suggestions on where to go with this?
I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship and he's my best friend, so breaking up is only my very last resort
Guys' advice would be most welcome!
It's now months that we go without and I've tried talking to him about it several times with different approaches and nothing seems to work. He now eventually tells me, we haven't had sex in so long that he feels awkward instigating it...any suggestions on where to go with this?
I feel like I've invested so much in this relationship and he's my best friend, so breaking up is only my very last resort
Guys' advice would be most welcome! 0
Comments
Have you tried to communicate with each other in terms of what you want and maybe have a deeper conversation in terms of why you feel the sex drive has diminished. A lot of the time communication is key! If you feel uncomfortable talking directly to him or you feel you would miss out certain important things just from the anticipation/adrenaline when discussing it, you could always write a letter to him. The most important thing is to only take it as far as you feel comfortable! We aren't experts here at the mix, but we will guide you to places that could help you take the best approach for this situation! Here is a good article on talking about sex with your partner which you could benefit from reading (I'll link it down below)! Let us know if you need any more advice, we're happy to help! Hopefully speak soon, and have a wonderful day!
Link:
http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/having-sex/how-to-talk-to-your-partner-about-sex-23053.html
Drea
Thanks for your reply; I have tried exploring what's going on and he's given various reasons at different time: his age, too much masturbation and now that he feels too awkward to instigate after going so long without. I'm the only one trying to get to the bottom of this and come up with solutions, so not only is it upsetting that I'm the only one bothered enough, but it's also irritating that he's unwilling try taking steps towards change, including counselling, seeing a doctor about testosterone levels, scheduling sex, trying new things, etc.
In an argument, he also brought up that I was boring in bed, even though I'm the only one wanting to try new things. He later said it was only out of anger, but my self-esteem had already taken a hit from the rejection, so I couldn't help but take it to heart.
So all in all, I'm not sure what else I can do to get him to be open to solving this and finding a happy medium as I've tried all the tips in the article for the last three years
Thanks for posting and being open about this, some people can be embarrassed to talk about their sex lives when they have been with someone for a long time. But it is so common, people get busy, comfortable and all kinds of things.
The most important thing to do is keep that line of communication open, let them know that you still desire them, love them and want to work on it.
Those tips above are great, and it sounds like you have tried to work through this quite a lot. I know this can feel disheartening and effect your self-esteem but remember that he has given some reasons for the way he's feeling and none of these were a reflection of you.
It sounds like the only time he suggested this was when he was angry about it and didn't mean it so try not to let this get to you. He may have just been acting out and perhaps he is more embarrassed than you think?
If it is his age/sex drive/desire/tiredness, it may be something as simple as him feeling older than you and in fact he is struggling with confidence and esteem. You mentioned he feels awkward and the way we feel about our bodies can really effect how we interact with our partners. It can also make you want to ignore it rather trying to work it out and feel embarrassed. Do you think this could be why?
If so, perhaps steering a conversation in this direction could help him open up?
If not, have you tried telling him what you have opened up about here on The Mix? About how it's effecting you, not just sexually but emotionally? Knowing that it's deeper than just 'sex' may help him see how it's become a problem?
I hope some of this helps.
-PositiveAura
Thank you for your kind words; I feel almost as though there's always a barrier that he's putting up when we have discussions on sex or anything really. He's a black and white thinker, so anything I try to bring to the table, he jumps on the defence and thinks it's a negative and that I'm not happy with the relationship, regardless of me telling him otherwise.
Would you have any advice on how to get him to open up finally? I feel like I've tried every approach in the book
I didn't consider the confidence and self-esteem elements...I don't know if that's because he has sometimes spoken to other girls with an interest in him in secret thus stroking his ego, or because he's never expressed esteem issues to me.
I think I'll write him an open letter including what you have said and will hope for the best...hopefully he'll finally understand!
Thanks again
Sorry to hear that! We really hope this improves! Writing a letter sounds like a good next step. Hope it goes well and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Have a great day!
Drea
It sounds like you're really trying your best with him and writing a letter is a great idea. This way, he can't ignore what you are saying or shut the conversation down. He will know how it's making you feel and then it's his next step to let you know his side of things.
Maybe giving him time to read and think about it, he may open up. If it is a case of being too embarrassed or something then if you let him know he can write his thoughts and feelings down, it might help.
I definitely find writing things down easier than saying them and I think this can make you more open and honest too.
It might be feeling really difficult at the moment because you aren't sure what's wrong, whether it's his esteem or something else. Once he does open up though, it will become clearer and you will be able to move forward.
I hope it all goes well, let us know.
-PositiveAura:rainbow2:
He may be stressed and have his mind on other things. Voice your concerns with him, and have an open, serious discussion about it!x
Much love
It was brilliant, and it's happened once more recently, but I still feel like this may be a one-off thing, like maintenance sex when he can sense that I'm not happy. For that reason, I still want to give him the letter, but don't know how or when, as he seems to be on Cloud 9 thinking that everything is fine. He takes any criticism of the relationship very badly as he's a black and white thinker. What would you suggest?
I think that it would still be good to give him the letter, or to talk about it with him. You don't want these thoughts to keep racing around each time something does or doesn't happen! Clear the air and resolve it as a team!x
It's great to hear that he has been intimate and affectionate with you, this is at least a step forward even if you still have your worries. Either way, I would still suggest the letter since it will clear any of these thoughts and feelings that you have so you can move forward.
If he did actually instigate sex because he can tell something is up, then this means that he know there is some kind of problem that needs talking about. So I don't think that he would think this is criticism or out of the blue, as he is already aware there may be something wrong. So I wouldn't worry about 'springing' it on him.
It might even be easier to bring this up now...Like a positive sandwich!
For example, telling him how much you enjoyed it....followed by your concerns....and then that you want to move forward positively in your relationship.
At least you will have somewhere to start if you bring up the other night, you can gauge his reaction and pass the letter on.
-PositiveAura:rainbow2: