Family stress

Siena

This is pretty long so im not sure anyone will read it - let alone know what to say or how to help. But if anyone does. it will be much appreciated (:

I am hating my home life and family life so so much right now and making me so depressed. Everyone is constantly aruging and i dunno if i am the problem or what or if i am in the wrong. And all just a bit of a mess

The situation is i hate my my parents. For 16 years i lived like an actual tramp, they neglected me so much. Im 18 now and living fine now. But the house didnt have a bath cause it fell through, the celling was and still is falling, had no hot water, no heating, no washing machine, not a proper bed, cluttter absolouty everywhere, and not a room by myself and basically took me hours on end to just clean myself. Things would start to break but instead of fixing it they left it. My dad wanted to fix it while my mum didnt want anyone round the house and controlled the whole situation. Its pretty grim and i didnt want to tell anyone else because i felt like a tramp even thoigh wasnt my fault.

They was made to buy a new house which i now live in, but my mum still live in the shit hole, the houses are both payed for so they are constantly paying for bills for both houses and they will not be able to afford to have both houses for much longer, which is where a lot of tbe arguments comes from cause i am telling them they need to sort out the "shit hole" otherwise they will have no money. My mum claims she is living there to tidy but it looks no different and i dunno if she likes living like a tramp or what but as much as i hate her i feel a bit sad for her cause i dunno how to help or what is weong with her. Cause she normalised trampy behaviour so much and tries to confuse me. She does have a heart condition so she uses that as an excuse to why she neflected me when it hardly affected her, she just never cared. So i dunno if i should care or let her keep living like that.

My dad is also mentally ill, he has sereve depression but it wasnt always that bad but he never did anything to help the situation, im not sure i understand him either. I dont think their illness jusitfy what they put me through at all. My dad only cares about my mum, he goes out and buys her food for her and gives it to her while she does nothing everyday. And every arugment we have my dad sticks up for her and it is so weird because she is completly deluded and he knows that too but is so protective of her and does anything to make her happy even if it makes us angry. He could no give a shit about us and only cares about her. When we are blood related and shes just some woman he should off divorced years ago. My dad wants to pretend to play happy families but i dont get how when he only cares about her and he wants is a quiet life when he isnt going to get it only making her happy

My mum comes round on weekends and some workdays as soon as she comes and starts speaking i just want her to leave, there is something in her vioce that switchs something in my brain and makes me so anrgy no matter what she is saying. And i cant help but shout at her and cause the aguments She only cares about her self, she is a bitter person and says the most horrible things and loves herself. Last night she was telling me i am an ungrateful bitch becuse my home life is fine but i still cause arguemnts. And that i should be happy and fine.

I just really dunno what to do. I feel like i am just the problem and should just shut up and let them pour money down the drain and pretend to be happy with everyone. But i choose to not forgive them for what they put me through and i think that is the problem. But i think about some of the days how i would live and how much i just wanted to kill myself there and then. i cant see how anyone would put their kid through that so i just dont want to pretend. Even thoigh i thought i woukd be happy moving and is all i wanted was some where decent to live but now i feel just as shit as i did then. Im so fed up of the arugments and horrible atsphore i just cant take it much longer. And dont see myself moving out any time soon.

Former Member

Hi Shauni

Thank you for sharing and giving me an insight into how things have been for you. It sounds like an uncomfortable situation that has gone on for a long time. I hear you use the word neglected and that you can not take it much longer. It does sound like you have been let down by your parents and even with a decent place to live you still feel just as shit.

I wondered if there was anyone you have to talk to about this stuff? It sounds like a situation that counselling could really help with working out how you feel about things that have happened and are still happening.

I'm sure the community on here are more than happy to listen to you share how things are.

glenn

Siena

Hey
Thank you
Im not to sure couselling would help
But would like someone elses POV of someone outside the family. Like im not sure theres something wrong with me and i should be fine with my parents now. And should forgive them and forget about the 16 years. Like should i be happy and fine with them now dont live there. Cause i thought i would be fine with them once they got somewhere else.
Or how do i help them sort their lives out so they can rebuild the shit hole for them to sell it. And like i dunno why my mum has such a hold and control of my dad and why he is the way he is with her and what to do . Or how to get throigh to someone who is deluded as fuck to realise its not normal to live with things like no hot water. Like does she need professional help cause shes deluded af and trampy. Shes not been like that her whole life . Do my parents sound like they care one bit? Like i dunno no one would really be able to answer but idk its only something that only speak between family about so i do question if i am deluded and the problem.

Siena

Yeah it doesnt matter actually. No one gives a fuck so i already know the answer to most of the questions

Maisy

Hey Shaunie,

​I care. I really relate to what you have been experiencing with the house falling apart, and things not getting fixed due to general shame of the state of the house and not knowing where to begin fixing things or who to contact (you don't want to come across rogue tradesmen). Not even having adequate heating and hot water. And clutter. Everywhere. It's horrible to live in such circumstances, I know. It's hard as well when you see everyone else living a 'normal' life and yet being unable to talk about your situation.

​It's good that you are out of that situation now. But I do understand the complicated feelings you have towards your mother, especially seeing as she continues to live like that. Your feelings are understandable though. While I can't say for sure what is going on with your mother, it looks like she my be struggling but perhaps in denial as well. She may even have mental health issues herself, but you are right though in that this doesn't excuse how your parents treated you (but it can help in understanding why these things have happened e.g. it's common for sufferers of depression to neglect themselves, which can make it harder when bringing up children as well).

​It sounds like your dad cares for your mother a lot, but also perhaps not in the healthiest of ways e.g. doing everything for her and going along with delusions. Ideally, it would help if your dad was able to talk your mother into seeing a doctor or therapist for possible mental health issues, though I understand that denial and delusions can be strong.

​You've been through a lot with your family, especially in terms of neglect which can be difficult to spot and tends to be ignored or not seen as bad as abuse, when it's actually just as damaging. You have every right to feel the way you do and understandably reminders like hearing your mothers voice can cause feelings of anger inside you. However, as you have realised, getting angry may only make the situation worse since. I'm sorry to hear that your mother said those things. It's clear that she may be in denial and perhaps sees abuse and homelessness as a bad life and may not realise that what has happened with your family is just as bad.

​You are not the problem, but it sounds like you are caught up in the problem. And paying for two houses is costly and as you have said, it's unlikely that this will be able to continue forever. It's entirely up to you whether to forgive or not. Forgiveness isn't a free pass to continue the same patterns, but instead, is a gift to yourself in that you can let go of the anger so that it doesn't hold power over you. But it's totally okay to not forgive as well, especially when you remember the darker moments. I don't think many people would deliberately put a child in that living situation (it's possible though) as it's often a mixture of poor mental health and other factors. But equally for a child to go through this, it can be devastating.

​It's very understandable that you would felt that moving into a decent house would solve things and I can't imagine how it must be for you to feel the same way and realise that things are still stressful. You don't have to be fine, or happy, or forget about the past either. It doesn't help to ruminate though and while you may not see yourself moving out anytime soon, it may help to think about the future that you want for yourself and try to find ways of working towards that (it helps me at least). And while counselling won't solve all your problems, it can give an outside perspective, validate your feelings, figure out ways of healthily coping with your emotions and perhaps even trying to find ways of how you can help your parents (and if not, how you can cope with the situation anyway).

​It's possible that your parents do care about you but with their own struggles, don't know how to help you or themselves. And it can be very difficult trying to break that delusion because it's often formed as a protection for not knowing how to cope and feeling overwhelmed. I'm not sure if it's worth a try, but it can help by getting educated on things like mental health, particularly depression and hoarding (which can often happen after a loss of some sorts). Some people are able to feel connected to others that feel the same way so programmes like obsessive compulsive hoarders can give insight, to you and your family. Sometimes just getting a dialogue going can help to break the delusion. Also, you may want to look into counsellors that offer family therapy, since it may be possible to explore what's going on, even by yourself (it is possible for one family member to start changing things in the family, even if they are the only one that attends).

​It's unlikely that you are deluded since you can physically see what's going on (though I understand that it can be confusing when this is the situation that you have been brought up in).

Siena

Hey Maisy.
Thank you so very much for your help,support and time. I really appereciate it. And I hear everything youre saying.

Although apart of me hopes they do care. im not entierly sure. Because my mum was fine health wise but just got controllig and wouldnt let anyone touch the house and then my dad got controlled by her, did what she wanted, for her to shut up and a quiet life. Then thats whne he got depressed and wasnt a type of depression that he would neglect himself but he would attempt suicide because he didnt see a way out of the situation. And as upsetting as that was at my age to watch and knowing hewanted to die. I still didnt feel that sorry for him. Because he didnt care about me, he could of easliy took control, if he cared enough he would off. But instead of giving a proper life to his three daughters he choose to make my mum happy instead. But i do feel bad for him now because i know he is struggling with depression and i think its because of the money problems. I know i sound pretty self centred but its not something i would ever want any child to go through.

But i know my mum doesnt care one bit, only cares about her self. And only comes round to see guinea pigs not me lol. And has told me that she wishes i wasnt born. And says its having twins that caused it all and would of been just happy with only having my other sister, not me and i was too much stress. Trying to make me feel guilty and to put thr blame on someone else..because according to her she is perfect and cant take any blame. Yet i know single parents that can cope with twins. I think she does have mental problems. Espically hoarding and some obsessive complusion. She hasnt showered in yearss &does things like touching ALL window handles and door handles constantly everday making sure it is closed. But she denies she has a problem, so getting her to seek help would be extremly hard. Everytime i try to get through to her she just says a personal hurtful dig. like speaking to an immature kid sometimes. And tells me she will call parent line. Lol. Thinking im learning more to not get too wound up by it though. just the bad vibes reallyyy brings my mood down and just feel like im constantly waiting for more arugments. It is really horrible. I would like to forgive but i dont think i can.

Former Member

Hi Shaunie

I didn't suggest counselling because there's something wrong with you, but as somewhere to explore your feelings. I hear a lot of emotion connected to your words, I might be wrong but it sounds like you have feelings about your parents that aren't going away. That's why I suggested counselling, to maybe help these feelings stop being so big and heavy.

There's no perfect thing to suggest or idea as to what to do, only what is right for you. Maybe that isn't forgiving them right now, knowing you want to but you can't right now.

How's your week been?

glenn

Former Member

Hi Shaunie,

As Glenn said, taking counselling doesn't at all mean that there's anything wrong with you, it just helps ease any heavy feelings you have (and maybe lead you towards having a better relationship with your parents), so it could be a good option to explore!

Let us know how you're getting on

~Kaze

Siena

Hey

Thank you.

I had a long convsation with my sisters about this. We never really go into depth with just them about it and only have arguements with my parents. And they agree with everything i think as well. And quite sad cause they was just upset as me. But clearlified that my parents dont care about me and not even just thinking that cause im depressed they just dont care. Cause they can see it aswell. Not like its really important for them to care but a bit if me did think i was just thinking it because im depressed.

But im super stressed cause some of my family who live else where in england are coming round for a week in october. Even they have no idea how we used to live but was probably suspicious something was wrong cause suddenly got a new house and they can come round. We have only gone to theirs because obviously no one could see the mess we lived in, even family. But im stressed cause im scared they will ask about my mum and where she lives and if they ask to go visist her and stay there aswell if not much room cause she literally lives a 5 minute walk distance.

Rayofhope

Hi Shaunie,

​Its great you had a long convosation with your sisters it can help to be able to understand this and hopefully make them a bit clearer. Sorry you don't feel your parents care about you.

​How are you doing at the moment? How are you currently feeling about the family visit?

It also sounds like you don't want your family to visit your mums house, is there something which makes you scared about they asking about where she lives or visiting her?

​Hope to here back from you soon.

Former Member

Hi Shaunie,

Thanks for taking the time to explain what you've been going through. It sounds like you have had a lot of tough and confusing years growing up and are still struggling. Firstly I wanted to say I'm so glad you have your sisters to talk to about this and to encourage you keep talking to them about how you're feeling. You don't have to suffer alone. I find just being able to talk and get these feelings out of your head and into the 'real world' really helps. I understand that you're all feeling upset about this but it's OK to be upset right now, that's part of a healing process and it's understandable given what you are going through!

I hear that you sometimes think you are the problem, which is a completely human reaction to having arguments, but please don't blame yourself for the situation you're in. The housing situation is most definitely not your fault, and your relationship with your parents is two sided. You clearly care about them a lot despite what you have been through. I'm sorry that you don't feel like they care about you as much. I can't tell you that they 100% do care. I can only say that in my experience, sometimes when people suffer severely from mental illness, they can get so carried away with their own thoughts that they don't have the time or energy to focus on anything else (including their own family). It doesn't automatically mean they don't care, even if it feels that way. If that's the case, they need help. Do you have any other family members who are aware of the situation?

About the family visit, are they staying at your new house, or elsewhere? Do you think it's worth having a conversation with your mum about what to say if they ask to see your old house? That way, it doesn't have to be an argument, can just be a practical conversation about whether she thinks it would be appropriate to have visitors or not.

For what it's worth, from an outsider's perspective, it is completely understandable that you are feeling the way you are. I'm glad you felt you could share your experience here - we all genuinely care. I think you might relate to this article http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/family-life/my-parents-dont-care-about-me-8209.html - you're not alone in the way you are feeling.

Hope to hear from you soon.

- Lucy

Siena

Thank you very much

Im not even sure what day in october they are coming round. Think towards the end. No other family memebers know about the way we lived. Just only my parents.
My dad said he just may tell his sister about the way we lived. But i dont get why he would want anyone to know he neglected us to such extreme. He was just like "shes just my sister" but still what he made us live like was disgusting and im sure she would think that and im not comfortable with them knowing either cause i would feel trampy.

Im also so so parniod that when they come they will think where i live now is messy..but its not at all, yet i keep cleaning and have even started painting over white paint with white paint and i dont think it even looks any different. Im not used to people coming into where we live and im just really parniod is not clean enough

Former Member

Hi Shaunie

Could you find out from your parents what day/week they are coming, so you can get some prep time? That way at least you can mentally prepare! It's not surprising that your other family members don't know about it, it would probably be very embarrassing for your parents to disclose that to anyone. Although saying that, your dad wants to talk to his sister about it? It actually might help for him to have that embarrassing conversation, if he feels like he can. Sometimes it takes speaking to someone outside a situation to get a fresh perspective... And although it's uncomfortable, that could actually mean he finally realises what you have been going through? What do you think?

It sounds like your standards you have set for yourself and your home are much higher than the standards you lived in growing up. That's OK and I don't blame you for being paranoid about cleanliness - that's normal! Try not to worry too much more about where you live now - you are accepting yourself that white over white isn't making any difference! Take a step back and try to feel proud of yourself & your place. It's clear that you have come so far.

- Lucy

Siena

I found out when they come, my dad said he is going to them first on friday then coming back with them on monday. But like if he does want to say it, he probably would do it when im not there because he knows i would hate for them to know. And would do it over the weekend. & im not even sure he would even tell me if he told them. But like yeah i suppose youre right and would help if he got an outsiders opinion but dont think it would be enough to change anything so wouldnt really matter.

Tbh i really dont want them to come. I hardly seem them and only see them once a year so feel pretty bad saying that but i just dont feel comfortsble with the idea. I know they are family but idk. Prefer going to theirs was a lot less stressful. I know its not really a big deal but feels it. And they are staying for like 5 days, when there is nothing to do where we live so its gunna be pretty boring and dont know them that well to have lots of conversations so thats stressful aswell
But thank you very much for your help and insight

Siena

Oh it gets worse. Will have to give up my bedroom to them and sleep in my sister room. I already hate spending so much time with my sistser as it is.

Former Member

Hi Shaunie

It's good to hear that you now have an idea of when they will arrive, how are you feeling about the visit now - it's soon isn't it? Hopefully your dad might have some time to reflect while he's away from home, whether he talks about it or not.

I'm not surprised you aren't mega excited for their visit, especially if you don't see them much, is there anything that would make you feel more comfortable with them being around? Could you look to book a table for a meal out, for example, or an activity where you don't have to talk too much (cinema, bowling or something) that gets everyone out the house for a bit? I also find board games are good for family get-togethers, no matter how boring they seem! What do you think?

How's everything else?

- Lucy

Siena

They have been round since monday and it hastn been too bad. They are really funny people so has been actually really good and did go for a meal out and we did play board games today.

Hasnt really been that awkward except im so confused to what they know and what they dont know. By the conversations i think they just think that where my mum lives is just filled with loads of things and is cluttered . And think that we left because my mum hoards stuff and is a cluttered house. Which is true but its a lot more than that and we left the house because it didnt have the basic needs like a bathroom. But my dad is bringing up the conversatio like hes not ashamed about it. Even if they only think that, its still embarrassing anyway.

I think they getting annoyed just seeing him go to the shop to buy her food and stuff and going to give it to her. Its embarassing. How obsessed he is over her, like the only thing he cares about and how everything he says and does has to fit around her.

My mum hasnt just stayed where she lives and she came to see them and it was pretty awkward when she nearly accidenly slipped up about how much of a tramp she is. Which was weird to see her realise and to stop speaking cause she knew what she was about to say. Like so she does know it is not normal so why does she convice herself and us that it is. But then cant even admit it when others are around. Probs just denial

Rayofhope

Hi Shaunie,

Sounds like it has been ok with them coming around and maybe not as bad as expected. How you feeling about everything at the moment?

It can be confusing trying to work out what someone knows without bringing up the conversation to much and having to go into more depth about the situation. I know you said before that you thought they might go and see her at home, has this happened or do you think that because they know its cluttered they won't go around?

It sounds like your dad is trying to support your mum a lot which sounds like it is hard for you as a family.

Here for you and well done for opening up and talking about how you think things are.

Rayofhope:rainbow: