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What age should you start having sex?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
The average age for having sex is 16 ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/arti...k7z3/virginity). However, there are many who do it a lot younger! When is the right time?

Is the age not the important part but how long you have been in the relationship and whether there is mutual trust, respect and love?
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Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    the right time is subjective.

    ​i think some do it at 13 even. others until they are at uni at 18 or 19. If not intercourse, I think a lot of people have some kind of sexual contact before 16, whether handjobs, fingering, or bjowjobs.

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Most people have sex before they start their first relationship. That means that 'how long you've been in relationship' isn't applicable for most people during their first time, because they're not in a relationship with the person whom they're losing their virginity to.

    16 is the average age at which people first have sexual intercourse. Most people have had other sociosexual contact before then.

    Age is relevant, because adult male virgins are ridiculed outcasts who are treated with contempt. Unfortunately, society judges adult male virgins to be unmasculine, worthless failures.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    Hey Frankiesays,
    You're right that the legal age to have sex is 16. The most important thing when thinking about having sex is that you and the person you want to have sex with are both on the same page and both want to have sex. There isn't really a right time to have sex, it's something which people differ in. Some may not feel comfortable until they're in their 20s, others may be perfectly up for it at age 16. There are indeed people who do it before they are 16, however age differences is something that people should be aware of. If someone under 16 has sex with someone over 16, the person over 16 could be charged with sexual assault, even if both parties consent to it. That's why it is always important to make sure you're aware of who you're having sex with and how old they are.

    Hope this helped,
    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How about if you are 100% definitely ready for sex (whatever you have or haven't done before), but can't get sex? No-one's willing to give advice to any of the huge numbers of people in that situation. Many people wrongly assume that anyone can get sex extremely easily, whenever they want.
  • DreaDrea The Mix Posts: 292 Budding Regular
    That's always a tough situation, and you're right that loads of people are faced with that problem. Unfortunately there isn't much people can do about that, since consent is key. There are people who are willing to have casual sex, not necessarily just in a relationship, but in this case it's always important to communicate.
    Drea:heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How would someone communicate to someone he doesn't know that he'd like casual sex with her - without getting slapped, punched, having a drink thrown over him, getting thrown out of the venue etc.?

    There are many things they can do to make themselves more sexually appealing, but no-one will give helpful advice about the specifics. There are scammers who falsely pretend to give such advice for a fee, but don't actually give any helpful information.

    In regard to casual sex, the problem with getting that is that the number of males who want it massively exceed the number of females who want it, which makes the competition extremely difficult if you're straight, male and not handsome or a 'king of banter'. Hackers who got into Adult Friend Finder (one of the few hookup sites that isn't a scam) discovered that the male:female ratio of members is 16:1 - which means that most of the millions of men on AFF don't stand a chance. The small number of women on there can take their pick from millions of men.

    The mantra to 'have sex when you feel you're ready' is nonsense when you've been ready for years but can't get sex. Why is that ignored by most people who give advice?

    Someone wrote in to an advice column. He said that he's part of a group of four lads who go out as a group every weekend to get one-night stands with girls. He said that it's always the same four in their group and has been for years. They always go to the same places in the same city and stick together until the first one of them finds a girl. After that, the other three stay together until another one does, etc. Every weekend, each of his friends finds a girl and each has a ONS with her - but he never finds a girl who wants him. He said that he can't see any difference between him and his friends, so he can't see why all his three friends have ONS with girls every weekend without exception - yet he never finds a girl to have a ONS with, despite his best efforts. The advice columnist didn't give him any useful advice or information. There must be a significant difference, yet no-one will tell him what it might be.
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    Hi :)

    I don't think there is an age where we should have sex. The legal age is 16 but that doesn't mean you have to have sex then. I'm 21 and I haven't had sex before. Some people do judge and say I must be weird or something. But I do feel that I want my first experience to be special. This is what broke my first relationship up. I was with him just under a month and he wanted sex but I wasn't ready. But it wasn't just that. He wanted us to move out have children and get married as soon as we could. I was 17 then and really wasn't ready.

    People have told me that I should just have a one night stand because it's weird to be 21 and a virgin.

    But let's face it
    Who needs to know I'm a virgin?
    Who does my sex life effect?

    How I see it the only person it really effects is me
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    OIAM, if you want to wait years, that's fine. What I'm surprised at is don't you have a strong desire to have sex, like most young people do? Have you never met anyone whom you've wanted to have sex with?

    What do you mean by special? In a 5-star hotel in The Maldives? With a Zac Efron lookalike? With someone who thinks you're perfect?
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    Hi rob it's not that I want to wait years and I do have sexual feelings still. I just mean I want to wait until it's the right person and the sex is for love rather than lust. I don't mean wait until marriage but I want to know the person I share my body with before I have sex with them.

    I did have sexual feelings towards my ex. But just wasn't quite ready due to previous sexual harassment at school. This had made me nervous and I just wasn't quite ready at that time
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You've never known anyone well enough, whom you've fancied, to want sex with them?

    How about before you were sexually harassed? Did you want sex then?

    No-one's first time is perfect, so don't expect that. If you're expecting him to be like Johnny Castle, you're going to be disappointed.

    How do you deal with conversations in which everyone else in the group is talking gleefully about their sexual adventures?
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    Hi, I've actually not been any other relationship since I was 17. I've been on dates but it's never really gone well.

    I was sexually harassed when I was 16 and before that I hadn't even kissed anyone let alone had or wanted sex with anyone.

    I'm not expecting my first time to be perfect because like you say no ones first time is. But like I say, when I want it to be special all I mean is with someone I love and trust and I'm loved and trusted by them.

    Talking about sex and others sexually experiences really doesn't bother me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you realise that you could be waiting years for those criteria to be fulfilled?

    Had you not wanted to kiss anyone before 16? Most people have French kissed someone before then.

    In what way(s) did the dates go badly?

    How do the sex conversations go with your friends? Do you tell them the truth - or do you make up stories of sexual adventures you've had, in order to fit in with them?
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    I realise I could be waiting years but I just don't want to jump into bed with someone unless I know I want to. I don't actually mean madly in love but I want to feel something for that person rather than it being (I think I like you) I know that my first time probably won't be the person I'll be with forever but I want to find some attraction to them.

    I have wanted to kiss someone before I was 16 but just never did. It was actually a few days before my 16th that I actually kissed someone.

    The dates offen go ok st first and then I find they are actually with someone or want sex by the end of the date and don't want to know me when I say no.

    I have kissed and made out with my ex but apart from that we never actually had sex. It did get to a point where we thought about it but he didn't want to use a condom and I didn't want to take the risk. That when he started talking about moving out with me and starting a family. Which like I said I wasn't ready for that. That was the reason for our break up.

    When it comes to conversations I do tell them the truth. My friends of course are cool with it. Like they say it's my choice.

    I do want a sexual relationship but just not with some random person I bearly know
  • FeatheredDreamsFeatheredDreams Miniposter Posts: 91 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    I don't think there's really an age where one should have sex. I consider myself asexual because i'm completely devoid of sexual attraction and im 18, then again in september im off to uni so (wishes we had an eyes emoji). I haven't had sex ever, but i don't consider that abnormal, heck, even if someone was 40 years old and never had sex i wouldn't consider that abnormal.

    16 may be the average but it doesn't mean it's like a rule either.

    That said, I consider what the law says to be a minimum rule myself- ie 16-17, and 18+ partners. And while yes, people do do sex under those ages I would be concerned if anyone has sex under the age of 13 because I personally believe a 12 year old cannot grasp the scale of consequences and benefits of sex.

    I suppose the right time depends on the person - but age isn't the deciding factor for sure - i think it more depends on when the person is ready, and that may be 14 it may be 46, it may be 23, it may be 35, I dunno.
    With readiness defined as the point which a person has close to full information on sex (ie they know about contraception & STD prevention & can correctly apply that knowledge) to ensure safety + they actually want it and are in the mood for sex and have consented to it. And ones partner should feel ready too with the same definition applied.


  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    When it comes to conversations I do tell them the truth. My friends of course are cool with it. Like they say it's my choice.

    How about when you're in a new group? Do you find it difficult to be accepted?

    Do you ever feel that you're missing out? The average person your age has been having sex for five years and has had sex hundreds of times.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think there's really an age where one should have sex.

    I suppose the right time depends on the person - but age isn't the deciding factor for sure - i think it more depends on when the person is ready, and that may be 14 it may be 46, it may be 23, it may be 35, I dunno.
    With readiness defined as the point which a person has close to full information on sex (ie they know about contraception & STD prevention & can correctly apply that knowledge) to ensure safety + they actually want it and are in the mood for sex and have consented to it. And ones partner should feel ready too with the same definition applied.

    As I said on the first page of this thread, that's ignoring the elephant in the room - the huge number of people who are 100% definitely extremely ready for sex, but can't get it. Saying to people that the choice is theirs to have sex when they feel ready is just rubbing salt in the wounds of people who can't get laid.
  • FeatheredDreamsFeatheredDreams Miniposter Posts: 91 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Robert wrote: »
    As I said on the first page of this thread, you're ignoring the elephant in the room - the huge number of people who are 100% definitely extremely ready for sex, but can't get it.

    See "And ones partner should feel ready too".

    Doesn't matter if someone else is ready to have sex with me, if i'm not ready for it i'm not gonna do it.

    If one can't get sex despite being ready, then the intended partner may not be ready; may not be in the mood, may not want to do it with some people, may not find the setting right (while setting isn't like...a hotel room in paris - i mean, a person may not feel comfortable with the sort of one-night-stand sex some engage in, or they may only feel comfortable doing it in the home of trusted persons) etc.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're missing my point. I'm not talking about people who are in relationships, who have partners who don't want sex with them (yet, or as often). I'm also not talking about people who can't get sex with the person who's their first choice / dream lover. I'm talking about people who want sex frequently, but can't get any sex with anyone despite their best efforts to. There's little or no genuine advice for anyone in that situation.
  • FeatheredDreamsFeatheredDreams Miniposter Posts: 91 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Robert wrote: »
    You're missing my point. I'm not talking about people who are in relationships, who have partners who don't want sex with them (as often). I'm also not talking about people who can't get sex with the person who's their first choice / dream lover. I'm talking about people who want sex frequently, but can't get any sex with anyone.

    How am I missing your point? If one person is ready for sex and the other is not, then sex won't (or shouldn't) happen. If both parties are ready (mind that I put desire to have sex in my definiton of "ready") then they will have sex.

    "Can't get sex with anyone" is a very wide generalisation, there's always people willing to have sex. Anyone who has trouble dating even will find someone willing eventually, even if it requires a little work on how one comes across to people - people won't consent to having sex with someone who makes them uncomfortable.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You still don't understand or relate to the problem that a substantial chunk of the straight male population face (yes, all incels are straight males - because it's extremely easy to get sex with men). Eventually could be years - which may end with suicide rather than sex. For many, it requires a great deal more than 'a little work'.

    Imagine that, every day, you're extremely keen to have sex - and have been for years. Now imagine that, every day for years, you've been trying very hard to get sex. Now imagine that you're rejected every day and as a result you're suicidal and an outcast. Now imagine how you'd feel when people tell you that it's your choice to have sex whenever you're ready to. Without constructive advice about how to get sex, that's just rubbing salt into psychological wounds. The advice to have sex when you're ready is only applicable to people who are able to get sex.
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    Robert wrote: »

    How about when you're in a new group? Do you find it difficult to be accepted?

    Do you ever feel that you're missing out? The average person your age has been having sex for five years and has had sex hundreds of times.

    I don't find it hard to be accepted because in a new group the conversation of sex rearly gets talked about and if someone is going to judge me because I haven't had sex then I don't want to know them.

    I don't feel I'm missing out because I've chosen not to have sex yet. I say I want to wait until it's with someone I love but it really comes down to
    "Do I want sex with that person?"

    Obviously if I feel comfortable with it then it is a different story. I just mean I don't want sex with a random stranger I don't or barely know.

    It used to bother me a little but now I'm just like so what? I'm only 21 and when I'm ready to have sex I can only as long as they are willing to as well
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi
    One in a million I think it's great to wait until you're ready and to not feel pressured into doing something.
    Robert wrote: »
    Now imagine that you're rejected every day and as a result you're suicidal and an outcast.

    I would say that hypothetically speaking if this person is in so much distress over a finding a person to have sex with then they need to realise sex isn't everything. There is a whole lot more to life and love than sex and desire.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    turtle09 wrote: »
    Hi
    I would say that hypothetically speaking if this person is in so much distress over a finding a person to have sex with then they need to realise sex isn't everything. There is a whole lot more to life and love than sex and desire.

    No-one's saying that sex is everything, but many people are suicidal because they can't get sex. For most people, sex is an important part of their lives. Imagine wanting sex every day for years and not being able to get it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi
    Thanks for the reply. I would say that sex isnt everything you say that hypothetically from what you have said : 'wanting sex every day for years and not being able to get it'. Sounds tough but again I would say finding an alternative and other sources of enjoyment would help them to recover or feel less down. They might if they focused less on relationships and sex find it easier to get closer to people at which point in some ways relationships may come more naturally.

    Sort of like the idea if you focus on one thing and obsess almost over it there is a lot of pressure built up around it. Also it might mean there is less of life to discuss with potential partners e.g. hobbies.. if sex and relationships is just someones focus.

    thanks
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sex is few people's only focus, but it's one of the most important things to millions of people.

    Trying to distract yourself by thinking about other things and keeping busy doing other things doesn't prevent depression, nor does it reduce a person's need for sex.

    For millions of people, relationships don't come naturally.

    Being male usually means being burdened with having to approach, chat up, ask out & take out etc. - being the leader and organiser and payer of dates. Not being suave, handsome, a 'king of banter' etc. results in being rejected hundreds of times.

    People should be able to choose to have sex when they're ready to do so. However, many people don't have that option - which is the elephant in the room that is ignored in most debates. Likewise with frequency: saying to have sex as often as you want isn't applicable if you want it every day but your partner only wants it once a fortnight and won't let you have sex with anyone else.
  • One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Noob Posts: 523 Incredible Poster
    turtle09 wrote: »
    Hi
    One in a million I think it's great to wait until you're ready and to not feel pressured into doing something.

    Hey turtle thanks :) just don't see the point in having sex with someone if it doesn't feel right. To be honest it is a little bit of security for me to be able to trust the person.

    I mentioned earlier about being sexually harassed during school and having the right to say no or stop taken away from me. While what happened was not serious it has effected me in needing that reassurance that when I do say stop or no, that I will be listened to. This does include if I concent and then change my mind just before or during.
  • independent_independent_ Resident Coffee Addict ScotlandPosts: 7,230 Master Poster
    16 is the legal age to have sex, but the law is there to protect people younger than that, and not intended to get teens who are close in age in bother for having consensual sex. But as others have said there is no age when you *should* have sex. It's all about when you're ready to have sex.
    “Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. They don’t need to, it’s not for them.”
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    But as others have said there is no age when you *should* have sex. It's all about when you're ready to have sex.

    As I've said repeatedly on this thread, you're refusing to acknowledge that there are a huge number of people who are 100% extremely ready for sex, but can't find anyone who wants to have sex with them. Why are you ignoring that elephant in the room? Saying to have sex when you're ready is worse than useless to them - unless you're going to advise them how to get sex.
  • RhysRhys Posts: 280 The Mix Regular
    Could we bring this post back onto the topic of "what age should you start having sex" rather then "this person is ready for sex but can't"
    This topic was made to discuss what age does everyone think you should start having sex, not what to do if you can't get sex but are ready, which appeared to be the "elephant"
    “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”― Bernard M. Baruch
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The consensus is that people should start having sex when they want to and they feel they're ready to - and the age at which that occurs varies a lot between individuals. I agree with that premise, but for many people that's not possible. It's an important and relevant point that many people don't have the option of having sex at the time that they become ready to do so - and have to wait a long time after that. Conversely, there are many people who are forced to start having sex at a much earlier age than they want to.
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