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this girl confuses me and i can't seem to figure her out..
Former Member
Posts: 1,875,648 The Mix Honorary Guru
Good evening everybody.
If you don't want to read the whole story you can skip to the last paragraphe.
Let me start by creating a context. I’ve known a girl for some time now, but we never really saw each other as life partners. 5 weeks ago she texted me asking how i am and if i would like to meet up with her. Thinking nothing of it i said yes and we had a fun day out. Later i learned she broke up with her boyfriend earlier that week.
Since then we started seeing each other frequently, she even spend some nights with me whereas nothing too intimate happened. We would just lie in my bed , watch movies, talk a bit, laugh and cuddle.
We text day in day out, all day everyday and i felt like she was into me. As for me i am sure as hell into her. On a certain moment i’ve let her know that i was interested in her relationshipwise. She told me she like me but that she needs time to process her previous relationship, which i understand and respect. So we decided to take it more slowly.
We kept seeing each other at a regular base and we kept texting in the same “in love” manner. We decided to go on a 3 day trip together and there it happened…
After going out we got intimate (we were both sober) and we had a magical moment or so i thought. After the deed, she kissed me goodnight and we slept. The next morning i figured she was my girlfriend but it appears she needs more time. We enjoyed the rest of the 3 days like nothing happenend and we went home.
She keeps sending me flirtytexts with 1000 hears and kisses, i see her more than before and we always end up cuddlig but nothing more as i want to prove that i respect the fact she needs time and i don’t want to be to clingy.
Now, where she confuses me has to do with a conversation we had earlier about going on holidays together during the summer. I said that i’m probably going on holidays with some friends. She replies that if i can take holidays with my firends she has to go with her friends too, cause that’s how it works… now this confuses me as we have no relationship, so she can do as she wants.
Later the day we were lying down and relaxing as she suddenly sat up and said: "wouldn't it be cute if we would buy matching onesies?"
We were together on valentine etc.
To make the long story short. I’m confused because she tells me she needs time, but she acts like we are already together. (Except we don't do intimate stuff ) I don’t know what to do considering that on the one side i want to give her love but i don’t want to smother her. But on the other hand i can’t neglect my feelings and treat her like a normal friend.
If you don't want to read the whole story you can skip to the last paragraphe.
Let me start by creating a context. I’ve known a girl for some time now, but we never really saw each other as life partners. 5 weeks ago she texted me asking how i am and if i would like to meet up with her. Thinking nothing of it i said yes and we had a fun day out. Later i learned she broke up with her boyfriend earlier that week.
Since then we started seeing each other frequently, she even spend some nights with me whereas nothing too intimate happened. We would just lie in my bed , watch movies, talk a bit, laugh and cuddle.
We text day in day out, all day everyday and i felt like she was into me. As for me i am sure as hell into her. On a certain moment i’ve let her know that i was interested in her relationshipwise. She told me she like me but that she needs time to process her previous relationship, which i understand and respect. So we decided to take it more slowly.
We kept seeing each other at a regular base and we kept texting in the same “in love” manner. We decided to go on a 3 day trip together and there it happened…
After going out we got intimate (we were both sober) and we had a magical moment or so i thought. After the deed, she kissed me goodnight and we slept. The next morning i figured she was my girlfriend but it appears she needs more time. We enjoyed the rest of the 3 days like nothing happenend and we went home.
She keeps sending me flirtytexts with 1000 hears and kisses, i see her more than before and we always end up cuddlig but nothing more as i want to prove that i respect the fact she needs time and i don’t want to be to clingy.
Now, where she confuses me has to do with a conversation we had earlier about going on holidays together during the summer. I said that i’m probably going on holidays with some friends. She replies that if i can take holidays with my firends she has to go with her friends too, cause that’s how it works… now this confuses me as we have no relationship, so she can do as she wants.
Later the day we were lying down and relaxing as she suddenly sat up and said: "wouldn't it be cute if we would buy matching onesies?"
We were together on valentine etc.
To make the long story short. I’m confused because she tells me she needs time, but she acts like we are already together. (Except we don't do intimate stuff
) I don’t know what to do considering that on the one side i want to give her love but i don’t want to smother her. But on the other hand i can’t neglect my feelings and treat her like a normal friend. 0
Comments
You've had sex with her, but only once?
Yes only once.
I didn't want to read and run, but you mention you've known her for 2 years. I can see the dilemma
I'm not sure, I have to say. But it's really clear that she's comfortable around you and that you have a growing bond, whether or not you're going to end up an item or not (who knows?
It sounds like she does need some more time, but then time will tell. I really respect you for giving her time & being patient to see where things go and how she feels about being in a committed relationship
I think the best way sometimes is to ask directly.. Maybe you could go out for dinner or have some quiet and peaceful time together and talk about things?
Direct questions are usually the best way when it comes to being confused about feelings toward one another
I think you two should talk ,
Quoting you here :
''I don’t know what to do considering that on the one side i want to give her love but i don’t want to smother her. But on the other hand i can’t neglect my feelings and treat her like a normal friend. '' - I would mention this to her, what do you think?
Honesty with one another will really clear things up
I would also say , make sure you take no offence by her needing time. Maybe the last relationship was a bit rough towards the end and maybe it's just a case of her needing some time to re-cooperate ?
Just thinking over the holiday comments, i'm wondering if she mentioned that to make sure you would be ok with it. Maybe her ex-partner wasn't comfortable with her spending time with her friends, so perhaps she is testing how you would be with that? (if you were to become an item)
I'm no expert but this is what I make of some of it
Good luck! I really hope things work out and you find some clarity
Sam
Has she said how she feels about the one time you and her had sex together?
As for the intimate part, she told me she enjoyed it very much but she regrets thebfact that it'd probably messed with my feelings as she still needs time and usn't ready for a relationship.
A possibility is that she's just bored, lonely and looking for affection - and you're the only person in her life who's willing to provide it to her. Another possibility is that she's keeping you in reserve, on the hook, as a backup - in case she can't find anyone whom she prefers to you. Yet another possibility is that she doesn't know what she wants.
Is she dating anyone or trying to find a boyfriend?
My thought was similar to your first possibility, but i'm waiting it out.
Is her life empty? Does she have a lot of free time, but few interests? Does she spend more time with you than she does with anyone else?
Whenever she isn't working she is with me.
That's what confuses me. She spends all her time with me, she sees no one else, she's always texting me, asking me to see her, etc.
The contradiction between her acts and her words.
When you say whenever she isn't working, do you mean outside her working hours - or when she's between jobs?
How much time do you and she spend together during an average week?
By when she's not working i mean outside her working hours.
A week we almost spend 4 full days together. We sleep together and everything. We cuddle, but we don't do more. I never tried to do more because i don't want to scare her of too soon as she keeps stating she needs time.
How old is she? Do you know how much experience she has of sex and relationships with people other than you?
We both have had various partners and we are both rather experienced in the subject.
Are you taking her out on dates, buying her presents, doing favours for her etc.?
Do you and she talk to each other about each others' feelings?
I know were you want to go with this, but i don't think she tries to take advantage of me.
We talked about our feelings 2 weeks ago when we got intimate. Afterwards i kinda held on to that conversation and i focussed on having fun.
Are you dating anyone else or looking for someone else?
i certainly do not want this to continue and i will confront her with it tomorrow.
i am currently not seeing someone else, but i didn't stop looking either.
i mean it when i say i like her and i wish we could be a thing, but i can't be blinded by her.
If you give her an ultimatum, she may react by cutting you out of her life altogether. You'd miss her, but in a way it'd be a good thing because it would free you to find someone else. Most girls wouldn't want to date someone who has a full-time cuddle buddy.
This sort of situation is explored in New Girl s2 e3 Fluffer and in HIMYM s5 e16 Hooked.
Thank you for you consern robert appreciate it. I'm glad i could have a good talk about it!
I don't think she is stringing me for she has always been honest with me. I'll just see what happens tomorrow. She won't get angry i think, we probably would continue our lives being friends which is not a big problem.
If you want to continue being friends in the event that she decides against a sexual relationship, tell her that near the beginning of the conversation - otherwise it would sound like: "be my gf now or get out of my life".
We had a fun time, went snowboarding, had diner and went out with our best friend and his girlfriend. She stayed at mine. We had sex again.
I decided i really needed to talk to her and she said she needs to make sure that it is real being that she is not looking for phony relationships anymore. She is looking for the father of her children, therefor she needs to observe me and get to know me better...