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this girl confuses me and i can't seem to figure her out..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Good evening everybody.

If you don't want to read the whole story you can skip to the last paragraphe. :)

Let me start by creating a context. I’ve known a girl for some time now, but we never really saw each other as life partners. 5 weeks ago she texted me asking how i am and if i would like to meet up with her. Thinking nothing of it i said yes and we had a fun day out. Later i learned she broke up with her boyfriend earlier that week.

Since then we started seeing each other frequently, she even spend some nights with me whereas nothing too intimate happened. We would just lie in my bed , watch movies, talk a bit, laugh and cuddle.

We text day in day out, all day everyday and i felt like she was into me. As for me i am sure as hell into her. On a certain moment i’ve let her know that i was interested in her relationshipwise. She told me she like me but that she needs time to process her previous relationship, which i understand and respect. So we decided to take it more slowly.

We kept seeing each other at a regular base and we kept texting in the same “in love” manner. We decided to go on a 3 day trip together and there it happened…

After going out we got intimate (we were both sober) and we had a magical moment or so i thought. After the deed, she kissed me goodnight and we slept. The next morning i figured she was my girlfriend but it appears she needs more time. We enjoyed the rest of the 3 days like nothing happenend and we went home.

She keeps sending me flirtytexts with 1000 hears and kisses, i see her more than before and we always end up cuddlig but nothing more as i want to prove that i respect the fact she needs time and i don’t want to be to clingy.

Now, where she confuses me has to do with a conversation we had earlier about going on holidays together during the summer. I said that i’m probably going on holidays with some friends. She replies that if i can take holidays with my firends she has to go with her friends too, cause that’s how it works… now this confuses me as we have no relationship, so she can do as she wants.

Later the day we were lying down and relaxing as she suddenly sat up and said: "wouldn't it be cute if we would buy matching onesies?"

We were together on valentine etc.

To make the long story short. I’m confused because she tells me she needs time, but she acts like we are already together. (Except we don't do intimate stuff :) ) I don’t know what to do considering that on the one side i want to give her love but i don’t want to smother her. But on the other hand i can’t neglect my feelings and treat her like a normal friend.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    How long have you known her?

    You've had sex with her, but only once?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I know her for about 2 years now.
    Yes only once.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Royal

    I didn't want to read and run, but you mention you've known her for 2 years. I can see the dilemma

    I'm not sure, I have to say. But it's really clear that she's comfortable around you and that you have a growing bond, whether or not you're going to end up an item or not (who knows? :) )

    It sounds like she does need some more time, but then time will tell. I really respect you for giving her time & being patient to see where things go and how she feels about being in a committed relationship


    I think the best way sometimes is to ask directly.. Maybe you could go out for dinner or have some quiet and peaceful time together and talk about things?
    Direct questions are usually the best way when it comes to being confused about feelings toward one another :) it's not easy always though, I know.
    I think you two should talk ,


    Quoting you here :
    ''I don’t know what to do considering that on the one side i want to give her love but i don’t want to smother her. But on the other hand i can’t neglect my feelings and treat her like a normal friend. '' - I would mention this to her, what do you think?
    Honesty with one another will really clear things up :)


    I would also say , make sure you take no offence by her needing time. Maybe the last relationship was a bit rough towards the end and maybe it's just a case of her needing some time to re-cooperate ?


    Just thinking over the holiday comments, i'm wondering if she mentioned that to make sure you would be ok with it. Maybe her ex-partner wasn't comfortable with her spending time with her friends, so perhaps she is testing how you would be with that? (if you were to become an item) :)

    I'm no expert but this is what I make of some of it :)

    Good luck! I really hope things work out and you find some clarity

    Sam
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you for these comforting words, i will talk about it with her in the hope to reach some clarity. :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does she know and understand how you feel about her?

    Has she said how she feels about the one time you and her had sex together?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm pretty sure she knows about how i feel about her.

    As for the intimate part, she told me she enjoyed it very much but she regrets thebfact that it'd probably messed with my feelings as she still needs time and usn't ready for a relationship.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She's being contradictory in that a lot of what she's doing is being very 'coupley' with you, yet at the same time she's saying she's not ready for a relationship.

    A possibility is that she's just bored, lonely and looking for affection - and you're the only person in her life who's willing to provide it to her. Another possibility is that she's keeping you in reserve, on the hook, as a backup - in case she can't find anyone whom she prefers to you. Yet another possibility is that she doesn't know what she wants.

    Is she dating anyone or trying to find a boyfriend?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She isn't seeing anybody else i guess. She's always around me and she always texts me her whereabouts for some reason unknown. :)

    My thought was similar to your first possibility, but i'm waiting it out.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You could be waiting a long time - years - or even the rest of your life.

    Is her life empty? Does she have a lot of free time, but few interests? Does she spend more time with you than she does with anyone else?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She does have a lot of free time to be honest. She has rather many interests though.

    Whenever she isn't working she is with me.

    That's what confuses me. She spends all her time with me, she sees no one else, she's always texting me, asking me to see her, etc.

    The contradiction between her acts and her words.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's the contradictions that are confusing me as well. Do you know anyone who knows her? If so, perhaps they understand her.

    When you say whenever she isn't working, do you mean outside her working hours - or when she's between jobs?

    How much time do you and she spend together during an average week?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well, we share a best friend that's how i got to know her. She tells him that she likes me but that she needs time, being the same thing she tells everyone. I just got to know a female friend of her, but i don't know wether i should ask her.

    By when she's not working i mean outside her working hours.

    A week we almost spend 4 full days together. We sleep together and everything. We cuddle, but we don't do more. I never tried to do more because i don't want to scare her of too soon as she keeps stating she needs time.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You frequently sleep in the same bed, but don't have any kind of sex?! Is this at your place or hers?

    How old is she? Do you know how much experience she has of sex and relationships with people other than you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    true true, i am 21 and she is 23. both places as she has her own place.

    We both have had various partners and we are both rather experienced in the subject.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In that case, I don't believe her claim that she's not ready and needs more time. If she were shy and inexperienced I'd believe it.

    Are you taking her out on dates, buying her presents, doing favours for her etc.?

    Do you and she talk to each other about each others' feelings?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    we do go on dates often, but she wouldn't want me to pay for her food or anything. As for gifts, i once bought a toy for her cat and i often buy her ben and jerry's. :D
    I know were you want to go with this, but i don't think she tries to take advantage of me.

    We talked about our feelings 2 weeks ago when we got intimate. Afterwards i kinda held on to that conversation and i focussed on having fun.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It sounds like you're 'her boyfriend without the sex'. The question you need to ask is if you want this situation to continue - as it could go on like this for a long time.

    Are you dating anyone else or looking for someone else?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i thank you for that statement for that's what i was thinking too. :D

    i certainly do not want this to continue and i will confront her with it tomorrow.

    i am currently not seeing someone else, but i didn't stop looking either.

    i mean it when i say i like her and i wish we could be a thing, but i can't be blinded by her.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    What you want to do is make a transition from being cuddle buddies to being boyfriend and girlfriend, and that's easy to understand. The problem is that it's unlikely to happen after this amount of time.

    If you give her an ultimatum, she may react by cutting you out of her life altogether. You'd miss her, but in a way it'd be a good thing because it would free you to find someone else. Most girls wouldn't want to date someone who has a full-time cuddle buddy.

    This sort of situation is explored in New Girl s2 e3 Fluffer and in HIMYM s5 e16 Hooked.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Damn, well i can't keep going on like this. So to protect myself we will have to talk about it. Either way, i'll let you know what happened so you and i both can let it rest. :)

    Thank you for you consern robert appreciate it. I'm glad i could have a good talk about it!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I had a girl string me along - although we didn't get to the stage of cuddling or getting into bed together. When I said I couldn't continue like this, she got angry with me and admitted that there'd never been any chance of us becoming intimate (even though she'd previously told me that we would).
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry to hear that sir.

    I don't think she is stringing me for she has always been honest with me. I'll just see what happens tomorrow. She won't get angry i think, we probably would continue our lives being friends which is not a big problem.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Yes, my situation was quite different to yours. The similarities were being frustrated and it looking like it was going to lead to a sexual relationship but didn't.

    If you want to continue being friends in the event that she decides against a sexual relationship, tell her that near the beginning of the conversation - otherwise it would sound like: "be my gf now or get out of my life".
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    So robert, i'd felt like i should tell you what happenend the last weekend.

    We had a fun time, went snowboarding, had diner and went out with our best friend and his girlfriend. She stayed at mine. We had sex again.

    I decided i really needed to talk to her and she said she needs to make sure that it is real being that she is not looking for phony relationships anymore. She is looking for the father of her children, therefor she needs to observe me and get to know me better...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Does she want a LTR with you?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I guess LTR is a longtherm relationship? If so thar is the exact thing she doesn't know yet.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you know what exactly it is about you that makes her undecided?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Absolutely not, she just says that she's observing me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Has she been observing you throughout the 2 years you've known each other?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't think so, i think she started doing this as we started dating.
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