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How can I split up with my gf without her taking revenge?

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
As I said in my other thread, my girlfriend is a massive burden on me and I need to permanently remove her from my life. I need to do this very soon, as she's trying to rope me into loads of Christmas and New Year stuff which would cost me a fortune and involve me having to put up with awful people and stressful situations. However, I recently found out that she took very unpleasant retribution against a previous boyfriend after he ended their relationship. Hence I need to know how to reduce to a minimum my risk of being likewise victimised.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    "very unpleasant retribution against a previous boyfriend"

    She killed him? Expand on this...
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She severely vandalised his house and car and spread lies about him. I found out about that from him, after I happened to encounter him for the first time last month after meeting him through a mutual friend of his and mine. I asked her if it was true - and she proudly admitted it. I need to avoid her doing similar things to me, and I need her out of my life within the next few days, as the first of the Christmas-related events that she's pressuring me to take her to happen this weekend. She's bad enough, but her friends and family are even worse - I certainly don't want to see them, buy presents for them and pretend I like them.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh... and why isn't she in jail after vandalising a house and car?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The victim told me that there wasn't enough evidence (just his word against hers), so the case couldn't go to court. He didn't see her do the vandalism and he's not aware of anyone else having seen her do it. He only found out that it was her who did it when she told him days later. The police questioned her, but she denied it to them, so there was nothing they could do. I can't make the authorities re-open the case - I just want her out of my life completely, and to not have her do anything similar to me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I asked her if she'd vandalise my house and car if I broke up with her. She stared at me, smiled and said: "luckily, you don't have to worry about me doing that - because you're never going to split up with me!"
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    Cat88Cat88 Posts: 377 Listening Ear
    Hi Robert. This does sound like a very difficult situation and I agree you need to handle it sensitively, however unfortunately there may not be much you can do about how she will feel and react. All you can do is be as delicate and sensitive of her feelings as possible Have a read of How to break up with someone - there are some good tips on how to handle things.

    Overall it sounds like you are unhappy, so breaking up is the right thing to do, so I hope it can go ok for you.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you have an article regarding what to do if an ex stalks/harasses you etc.? I'm very concerned about how she'll react. She really takes me for granted and assumes I'll do everything for her. It may take her a while to find another mug to latch onto and forget about me.
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    DeeDeeDeeDee Deactivated Posts: 1 Just got here
    Hi Robert this sounds very difficult for you and at a tricky time of year.

    You could look at The Mix article on breaking up. http://www.themix.org.uk/sex-and-relationships/relationships/how-to-break-up-with-someone-4497.html
    which offers some tips that might help you.
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    MaisyMaisy Moderator Posts: 627 Incredible Poster
    Hey Robert, Don't let the threat of what may happen stop you from leaving the relationship. If you are seriously concerned about what your girlfriend may do when you split up, you can create a safety plan. Make a list of all the people you can call (friends, family, hotlines) in an emergency. Look around for suitable accommodation if you fear getting thrown out. For vandalism, try getting hold of a cheap mini cctv camera, so that way you have proof. If she stalks you, keep a log of when this happens and any texts, calls, emails etc. so that can be proof too.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robert,

    I'm not sure whether you have split up with your girlfriend or not by now but it sounds like you are going through a difficult time thinking this through. Try to remember its ok to be selfish now and again and if you're not happy with her then splitting up is the right thing to do.

    I understand you are thinking about the consequences but my advice would be to take this step by step starting with actually breaking up with her. Have you thought she may have been like that with her ex because he wasn't sensitive with her?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have split up with her. I couldn't cope with staying with her any longer. Everything that she was demanding that I give her, all the places that she expected me to take her and all the awful people she expected me to visit with her during the next couple of weeks would have landed me a massive debt and probably a nervous breakdown as well. I'm pleased that she's out of my life, but I don't feel fully free as I fear repercussions from her.

    Her reaction to me splitting up with her was angry and selfish. She complained that she now doesn't have anyone to drive her to all the places she wants to go to. I never said that I would be taking her to any of the many Christmas and new year-related events that she took for granted that I would drive her to and from. She said that I'm disappointing many people she knows by not taking her - and that means that I'm in the wrong. She told me to stay with her for at least a couple more weeks so that I can be her free taxi for these events. I pointed out that her demands that I do all that stuff was one of the reasons that I can't suffer her any more. She then told me to at least give her early Christmas presents before I left! She didn't ask me why I was unhappy with the relationship, wish me luck, tell me she'd miss my company etc. - it was all just about her own selfish wants.

    My housemates, family and friends are unanimous in being pleased that she's no longer in my life. They asked me why I didn't end things sooner. I said that one of the main reasons was that I thought we may have just been going through a 'bad patch' and that things would likely return to how they were at the beginning of the relationship. However, I later realised that how she was at the beginning was a fake persona that she used to lure me - and that how she was more recently is the real her. I wish I knew how to see through the 'mask' that some people metaphorically put on - and quickly see them for what they really are.

    The ex whom she took revenge on seems nice. In any case, there's no justification for her having vandalised his house and car.
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    CarlosCarlos Deactivated Posts: 11 Settling in
    Hi Robert,

    It sounds like you've made a really important step, and I hope the freedom from the pressure of not having to go to all these dreaded events is feeling good!
    It can be a difficult decision to leave a partner because as you mentioned, the idea that they may change can leave you hoping for more in an unhealthy relationship. It was brave of you to therefore leave as you did. How have you been getting on over the last few days? Do let us know how things are getting on over the next couple of weeks. :)

    Carlos
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She was a massive burden on me - taking so much of my time, money, effort and concentration. During the relationship, I wasn't able to see my family and friends much, so they're glad that I'm not under her thumb any more. One of them said it's as though I've been released from prison!

    I still fear her stalking me and taking revenge on me. She was threatening and insulting me in a series of phone calls and texts - until I blocked her number. She was really angry with me and viciously insulted me for not 'fulfilling my duties' to her to be her driver, present-giver etc. over the holiday period - taking her to various places to see various awful people whom I can't stand.

    She gleefully informed me that she cheated on me - and that she enjoyed sex with him on their first date. That means that she lied to me about needing to know someone extremely well and be in a monogamous LTR with them before she can even think about having sex with them. That, along with 'having a low sex drive' was the excuse that she gave for keeping me waiting for months before we had sex. She recently said "Actually I have a healthy sex drive, and I enjoyed a lot of sex during our relationship - just not with you!".

    She told me that I'm a nobody and that she never even liked me, let alone loved me. She said that she won't miss me, because she'll quickly find another mug to leech off.

    She tricked me into believing she was a very different person than she actually is. How can I prevent suffering something like this happening to me again and instead see through a scammer's 'mask'?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robert,
    I'm really sorry to hear what you've been going through with your ex-girlfriend. Well done for standing up for yourself and realising that you in fact deserve much better than this. It sounds like your girlfriend was very controlling and that perhaps there were some warning signs of this early on that you chose to ignore? These can be as small as them telling you what you should wear or making you choose between them and friends.

    Sometimes when we're falling for someone it can be easy to let things that we don't agree with slide; we just want things to keep going well - I'm not sure if that sounds familiar? It's also totally natural but can lead us then to a point where we find ourselves in a position that doesn't feel right or equal.

    It's important to think about what you find okay and acceptable in a relationship - we all have different boundaries - so take some time to reflect on what you've learnt here and what sort of relationship you'd like in the future - for example, what sort of values would the person have? how would you balance your social life? how much time would you like to spend with them and doing your own thing? what are you willing to compromise on and what are you not?

    Thinking about this sort of thing can help you to assert yourself and find someone that is on the same page.

    It may take you a little longer in future to feel safe in a relationship but talking opening with any new partner and vocalising things that don't feel okay early on can set the tone for a more honest and supportive relationship.

    It sounds like she is saying a lot of things to hurt you post break up and you've been wise to block her number, I hope you're doing okay.

    Do keep posting as and when you want to :yes:
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I didn't choose to ignore warning signs; I didn't see them. How can I tell that someone is pretending to be something they're not?

    She took over my life for the duration of the relationship. I don't know how to avoid that; I've tried getting a part-time relationship, but have never been able to find a girl who's willing to have one. In this respect, my friends have a similar problem to me. Their girlfriends demand to be their boyfriends' priority - including that he devote most of his free time and disposable income on her. They're either controlling, possessive, demanding and greedy (as mine was) - or they're needy and clingy. I only have one friend who's in a really good relationship - but he's very lucky and successful in all areas of his life as well as popular; hence he can take his pick.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robert,:wave:

    Firstly well done for taking the step, breaking up with someone can be difficult even when you know it's the right thing to do.
    You say that she explained she wanted you for a 'free taxi' and wanted her 'Christmas present' anyway. I'm sure that alone is a clarification that you have done the right thing.
    I understand that you are worried about how she will react as you know about her history with her ex boyfriend. Can I ask if she has done anything to you since you blocked her number?

    I completely agree with Jo7's advice that it is important to think about what you find acceptable in a relationship. Try to remember no relationship is the same and you are in control of your own choices. I know this is easier said than done but maybe it would be a good idea to look at this as a lesson learnt, now you know what you definitely don't want from a relationship. Relationships are meant to be fun and exciting, try not to rush in anything and remind yourself that you are not in the wrong.

    Keep your chin up, good things are coming. Speak soon LC_*hug*
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I don't know how I can learn from it. I've long known what I want in a relationship, but I don't know how to get it. If she'd been honest from day one about what she was really like, I'd have had nothing to do with her. She pretended to be something very different from what she really is and I couldn't see through the 'mask' she chose to wear. It wouldn't make sense to copy any of my friends, because only one of them is in a happy relationship - and he has many advantages that make him very popular with girls and so can take his pick.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Try not to put yourself down Robert and try to remember that one bad relationship doesn't mean that every relationships going to be the same.
    Have you thought about giving yourself some free time? Time spent with people you love and doing things you enjoy? This might help take your mind of your ex and any romantic relationships for a while and help remind yourself whats important to you.

    Meeting somebody new can take time and its important not to rush or force things. I understand that you are worried as your ex put on a 'mask' but try to remember not everyone's the same and I know you will meet somebody genuine soon:)

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I now have a lot of free time, because all of the time each day that I was devoting to her is now my own.

    I know what's important to me - I just don't know how to get it.

    It's not just her - all but one of my friends have had relationships during which they've been deliberately treated badly in some way. Exploiters aren't rare. I can't learn from being victimised because I can't spot them - so how can I avoid them? Nothing good has come of this. I haven't learned anything. I've known for years that there are many bad people, but have never worked out how to prevent them targeting me.

    I spent a huge amount of time, money, effort and concentration on her. I was giving to her every day and she was taking from me every day. I now just feel like a fool with an empty wallet who's wasted half the year devoting myself to someone who never liked me or cared about me. This isn't a tiny issue. She claimed to have a low sex drive and that's why we only had sex together once during the relationship. I now know that isn't true, because during the relationship she enjoyed sex frequently - just not with me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Robert,

    I understand this isn't a small issue and it sounds like you are going through a very tough time at the moment.

    Please try not to feel like a fool, if anybody is a fool it's your ex for treating you like that. It sounds like you put a lot of effort into the relationship and really cared about her - there is nothing foolish about that and if anything that is a very attractive asset to have:d

    You say your friends are going through a similar thing, have they spoke about it to you or are you assuming this from what you have heard?

    If I was you, when you next start dating try to take it slow. By all means take them out and treat them but if you see signs of them not putting in the same effort you can confront them at the beginning of the relationship rather than holding it back and letting it get to you. Communication is key and if you can talk about your problems with your other half I am sure this will help.

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In what way is she a fool? She successfully duped and exploited me. She got what she wanted - and, as she said, she'll "quickly find another mug to leech off".

    It's not an attractive asset to anyone other than predators who want to exploit me.

    I'm not assuming anything. They've explicitly told me what their current and former girlfriends have done to them.

    When I've tried not giving girls all of the time, concentration, presents, nights out etc. that they demand - they tell me that if I don't treat them like princesses then it's over for good between us.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    is it worth to break up with an good friend?
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    sedian wrote: »
    is it worth to break up with an good friend?


    I don't understand what you mean. She never liked or cared about me - she just exploited me.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Rob you ok?
    Sorry to hear what she's done to you. She sounds evil!

    I know some of my mates have been in a similar situation to you. It hit him pretty hard too.

    How long did you know her (if you don't mind me asking) I know my friend now takes alot longer to get to know her first and when he did go on a date he asked before if they are splitting the bill or as he prefers pay for your own.

    Sorry not much help

    Sam
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    A few months.

    I've never found a girl who's willing to pay her way on dates with me. When I've suggested it, they became angry with me and told me that it's my duty to pay for everything.
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    One-in-a-millionOne-in-a-million Posts: 599 Incredible Poster
    Hi Rob I don't get gow girls can be like that. I actually prefer paying for myself as I feel more independent and it gives me a sense of "I can look after myself" feeling as well as the fact the the guys is on a date as well as me so it's only fair we split it or pay for our own. There was one time a guy was determined to pay for me and while I let him I felt really guilty in case I spent more that he was expecting. I would try and be clear before a date that you want a 50:50 relationship
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    In every instance that I've said to a girl that we'll be equals, paying for ourselves etc. - she has rejected that outright.
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