Toxic relationship habits?

JustV · June 2016

Came across this article today, titled 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal.

The author talks about a lot of common relationship habits that would be considered by some as unhealthy, but some are probably up for debate, so I thought it would be an interesting one to share with you guys.

Do you agree with what the author is saying? Are there any points you disagree with, or any he missed out? :chin:

Maisy · June 2016

Coincidentally, I read that exact article over the weekend XD

I think they are all pretty valid as being somewhat 'toxic'. Most are probably caused by not communicating effectively.

My personal flaw is the 'loving jealousy' but I never called it 'loving' at all. I knew it was because of my low self-esteem, and not feeling good enough, as well as having issues with trust. I totally don't understand why some people would think that it could be defended as 'loving'. But I do disagree with the fact that it is 'demeaning'. It may feel that way, but this issue is with the person feeling jealous, not about the other person in the relationship. Taking it personally, will only make the issue worse. I think the advice given is easier said than done. Trust is obviously important, but it's not easy, especially seeing as the jealousy is most likely due from past hurt and low self-worth. I think the advice given should mention that even though the relationship is two people coming together as one, that they both remain separate people. Both people should have their own friends, interests, hobbies etc., outside of the relationship, rather than depending on the other person for happiness. When we feel threatened because we have merged ourselves so much, that's when the stalking behaviours kick in. And then focus on building self-esteem for the individual and working on trust and communication together.

On the other hand, it's a different story if the current partner is cheating or has cheated in the past, but I don't know much about that

JustV · July 2016

Haha! Must be a popular article.

I think it circulated Facebook.

Thanks so much for your insight - it's great to hear about your personal experiences as well as more of a birds' eye view. I couldn't agree more with what you're saying about communication, and I think it's key to recognise that that's often the thing that underpins a lot of other, more surface level issues.

Maisy wrote: »

But I do disagree with the fact that it is 'demeaning'. It may feel that way, but this issue is with the person feeling jealous, not about the other person in the relationship. Taking it personally, will only make the issue worse.

This is interesting, and sounds like it could be more of a 'toxic' human habit than a relationship habit! Taking things personally and not recognising that an issue is really about the other person (even though it might make us feel crappy) seems to be a pretty common pitfall, and a hard one to avoid when we have our own feelings and thoughts as well. Being objective can be really tough, but also important for working on these issues. :yes:

Maisy wrote: »

I think the advice given should mention that even though the relationship is two people coming together as one, that they both remain separate people. Both people should have their own friends, interests, hobbies etc., outside of the relationship, rather than depending on the other person for happiness. When we feel threatened because we have merged ourselves so much, that's when the stalking behaviours kick in. And then focus on building self-esteem for the individual and working on trust and communication together.

I absolutely love this, as well. I went through this nasty process not so long ago so it's something I can personally relate to, and I totally hear where you're coming from. Out of interest, do you think incorporating someone into your own identity and self-esteem like this is part of an inevitable learning curve or is it something we can all avoid? :chin:

Former Member · July 2016

I quite like that article, it really made me think about things I might do and not realise.

I think however the crux of the issues listed in the article are around communication. As a rule in the UK we focus a lot on having 'communication skills' in the work place and being able to list them on CV's but we don't focus on personal communication and emotional maturity. Communicating how you are feeling, your hopes, fears and worries to another individual is hard, and if you have previously had a negative experience this is made even harder. I think this article should make more of how important it is.

Another issue is that yes relationship's usually constitute two partner's (or more, who am I to judge

) but people forget that these behaviours can come up in friendships and work relationships too. In some ways having these issues in non romantic relationships can make them even harder to address as there is so much less support out there.

In a relationship it is all too easy to look around and think others are doing it better or worse than yourselves, but to look internally and work out what do we need to do to make it work can be really difficult, particularly if you are in a toxic relationship and the only solution is to end it. Even harder is when that realisation that things are not perfect hits, when you might have been kidding yourself otherwise.In these situations brutal self honesty is needed to see what is the best outcome for you and what you really want, then good communication to get to that point.

Former Member · July 2016

I find controlling being a toxic waste habit. The feeling of being controlled is destroying in a relationship. You both feeling crushed and one feels weaker than the other destroys everything. Some might not even realise it's happening but can be obvious to others around them. It's good to have a equal balance in a relationship however it's time to say something when things get controlled. For example your partner saying "don't wear you look slutty". It's things like that can lead to the over taking control and damage the relationship.

Maisy · July 2016

Mike wrote: »

I absolutely love this, as well. I went through this nasty process not so long ago so it's something I can personally relate to, and I totally hear where you're coming from. Out of interest, do you think incorporating someone into your own identity and self-esteem like this is part of an inevitable learning curve or is it something we can all avoid? :chin:

I think it's an inevitable learning curve, up to a point. It's a bit like the mother-child relationship- at first, the child thinks it is the centre of the mother's universe because it depends on her. But when it starts to grow and become more independent, it also has to realise that it's not at the centre of attention anymore. Relationships, I guess, start with that honeymoon phase where it's inevitable you both become deeply infatuated and it can seem like the other person is the entire world. But then things plateau out and you realise that's not the case. I'm also assuming that some people are able to reflect on their relationships and realise this, and perhaps not get so caught up in the early stages of a relationship. But I wouldn't know

Former Member · July 2016

It's interesting to read about the toxic relationship habits mentioned in the article. I can particularly relate to the 'dropping hints' part.
I totally agree that we should,

"State your feelings and desires openly. And make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it."

I have always been a worrier. I don't think that will ever go away. Although, communication has been key for me to able to take anything off my mind that I am scared of or concerned about within our relationship. My problem has always been worrying about what people think, and what could happen in the future. However, now I have learnt to live in the moment. I have someone who love and accepts me for who I am, we have known each other since childhood, and been best friends for many years.

Rather than bottling my thoughts up in my head and seeming a little moody whenever he asked what's wrong, now I openly tell him if there's anything on my mind. I have learnt that when we truly love someone, we can be open and share our feelings. I have opened my heart to him as he has to me.

I am relieved that I finally conquered by fear of this. I feel so much more relaxed and happier in life. Whenever it occurs now, I just take a deep breath and try not to over complicate a situation.

Former Member · July 2016

Maisy wrote: »

My personal flaw is the 'loving jealousy' but I never called it 'loving' at all. I knew it was because of my low self-esteem, and not feeling good enough, as well as having issues with trust. I totally don't understand why some people would think that it could be defended as 'loving'. But I do disagree with the fact that it is 'demeaning'. It may feel that way, but this issue is with the person feeling jealous, not about the other person in the relationship. Taking it personally, will only make the issue worse.

I completely agree with the fact that you shouldn't take it personally. However, I have done this in the past because the issues built up to make me feel guilty for how the other person was feeling. It's harder than people might expect to objectively realise that it's the other person's own problems when it negatively affects your personal life as well.
If I had been able to think more objectively and take it less personally then maybe the relationship could've worked out (for longer at least), but it's so hard to do when you're put into the situation.

Toxic relationship habits?

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