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How are you doing today? *hug*
I managed to do some CBT this morning
But work just created so much anxiety and stress, there's so much pressure
Then there's something that really upset me, and it set me off today.
I'm so nervous about therapy on Friday where I tell my therapist the truth!!
I didn't deserve you being rude. Then shortly after your like bye all nice. So not fair. Wish I stood up for myself but I'm too scared and didn't want him to complain about me, although I would have done nothing wrong I'd said something.
After this this really set me off emotionally. Tried using my elastic band, didn't feel enough. Just as well as I was working, felt like screaming. Still so overwhelmed
I'm so glad that the therapist's idea of the elastic band seems to be helping
when you have very bad moments.
You seem to be very hard on yourself yet you are holding down a job and have
clearly done well enough in your studies to be accepted at university. Can you
feel happy about those achievements?
What about other things in your life - your interests and future studies? Are
there things in life that bring you pleasure?
Honestly to think of it I feel I don't know me. I though I used to know me and what I wanted but I question that. Also questioning the future too, but not in a good way!
Let me explain my thoughts and reasonings.
I got so focused on my studies, obsessed with succeeding, working towards something. That was my life for a long time. I thought I knew what I wanted to do- now I'm questioning that decision, think i was living in fantasy land. Something I don't like talking about...... Yes I'm accepted to uni but did you know I got rejected from that other course. Even still it doesn't matter that I got rejected as I'm starting to question that anyways. I don't like talking about that. Because I felt that's all I had - the ability to get good grades and now it's shameful that I have failed in university. That's why I don't like talking about university you may have noticed.
Then I became obsessed with voluntary work, since I was 14 - I volunteered with (edited out, so I can't be identified by people who know me). Now I loved this when I did it, I enjoyed helping others and liked being kept busy. Plus social interaction was good for me as it gave me more confidence in socialising, I felt like I belonged. But now I'm feeling the way I am so it was probably a waste of time, why did I bother. I'm set out to be a nobody anyways.
I mean I did pick this course I'm accepted into as I did believe it's something I'd like, especially after enjoying my 6th year project , which is basically a mini- version of part of this course. Also due to the subjects I enjoyed the most and were my strong points. But I'm questioning, where will this lead me? Is this really what I want to do?
Next I'm questioning a lot of "friends" - think they just put up with me out of kindness (not right word) and being best friends with a & m - as they get on well with them. I even feel like I'm being distant from a & m gradually recently. Don't know why? Just thinking what's the point, they'd probably want to be with the more cool people (like "friends" I quoted). These people are like the leaders, if they don't go nobody else will, if they go everyone goes. Nobody cares about me, not even me.
Then here goes (yet another topic I don't like discussing)- I'm only saying as I feel it's the only way to get my point across. (Edited out, not wanting to say it) but that means I'll die alone. Which was one of my biggest fears but now I believe it.
I'm too strange who'd want to be friends with me anyways.
Yes, I was happy with my achievements but now I'm questioning everything.
I have no interests, I'm a boring person. I used to enjoy watching my favourite TV progagrammes and although it ain't a fancy hobby, it was my way of chilling. But now I don't even enjoy this simple thing. I used to love listening to music. Nowadays, I just survive, go to work and sit around doing nothing other times. Why do I care what my parents think, I've became so worried about them finding out. But f that might as well just give up.
I don't know Amanda, what I know is all negative so what's the point? Might as well just give up. Life is crap
Let us know how you're doing
Yeah I did go to work. As much as I would have liked to skip it, I just can't risk my parents finding out the truth (they would know if I didn't go to work)!!
To be honest my friends don't know the full truth either, a few of my close friends know about CBT (that's all) but I don't ever talk about it to them. I guess maybe they do.
In the end I'm glad I went to work as I feel better now. But still really struggling to stand up for myself
I was not good at all this morning, and I'm sorry for all the posts. I sometimes just do it when I'm feeling overwhelemed. Obviously I'm not as negative right now as I'm in a better mood but to be honest it won't last.
I feel like I'm different people sometimes
But there's no getting away that I'm so anxious about therapy tomorrow, im quite tired right now so it will probably hit me in the morning before I go to therapy!
I managed to do a bit more therapy stuff but still not done it all
Letting someone in and know what has been happening inside your brain can be really daunting but you won't get the right kind of help until you do.
When you start therapy, cbt etc this can unearth some feelings you weren't expecting and sometimes you will find things get worse before they get better.
What is it that worries you most about opening up? Would writing a letter or something to your therapist to take with you help at all?
Also, I remember you saying about how hard you have been pushing yourself with the work for cbt - it's really good you are engaging with the work and the therapist will understand if you haven't been able to get everything done as it's perhaps pushed you too far.
I'm worried about her reaction and if she doesn't believe me. I've opened up to her about some things but there's something really big she doesn't know. I need to tell her what I told GP, I have the note I gave my GP- she said it would explain everything if I gave it to my therapist. Also as I seemed better last session (one of my better times had to be during therapy). But I'm not lying, i have struggled so much since last session.
Still got time, I might try and write another letter, but the thought of it makes my stomach turn.! Two hours to go ......
Thanks for being understanding and supportive Kate!
It was tough getting it all out there but I eventually told her everything in time. I really struggled, was quiet and made no eye contact at the start. It took me a while to tell the full truth but I did it. I told her the big thing I've been hiding from her and she knows I'm on medication now. My therapist was really supportive and she made me feel like it's okay to feel the way I'm feeling.
I honestly though I was doing really bad but she told me going to all my therapy sessions is a big thing in itself.
She says its normal to have ups and downs. She reminded me that I'm doing this for me and that my therapy work is not a test (I only need to do as much as I feel I can and want to). She told me I have high expectations of myself, low confidence but said that I can get there. She always seems to put positives on everything, I always feel much better after therapy
Now she's on holiday for a month so next session will be in 4 weeks - this could be a good thing or a bad thing. I guess it will give me time to really try to work on things, but if things go as badly as this week then I might really struggle!
We can all be too harsh on ourselves, so what she is saying is true! Make sure you look after yourself in between sessions.
I keep reminding me of what my therapist said - "I deserve to be happy!" and the story she told me about how confidence plays a big part (in my case).
I've tried mindful colouring, reading magazines, puzzles, watching TV , listening to music but i feel like if my concentration span isn't that great at the moment. If it distracts me for a short time, it doesn't last long then my thoughts and emotions begin to take over. Then I feel emotional again
And I've just wasted all my time playing a stupid bingo game on my iPad (please don't laugh, I was just trying to find a distraction) and it kept my mind away from things for a bit but to be honest it's a complete waste of time. And I just got obsessed with trying to use up all the fake money until it runs out. Then it did and I was like what next?
My motivation is very low at the moment too. Pretty little liars is my favourite programme and I don't even have the will to watch it. I'm just loosing intrest in even the small amount of things I used to enjoy!
Also I feel sad cause I keep distancing myself from parents. I just want to hide in my room all day, and when I try to sit with then I just want to get away from them (get space). But at the same time I kinda feel lonely
Right now I don't know how I'm going to make it a month without therapy and what's even scarier is that not long after will be my last session
Wasn't planning on typing all this, but I guess it helped me notice how I was feeling!
Woke up this very early morning, feeling very restless. Started contemplating again, in one of those "what's the point in anything" moods.
And when I try to relax all I can think about is dreading work tomorrow (worrying about work and the stresses of it). Which is just adding to my problems and struggles.