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Help- please? (Anxiety)



  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Not again :( ..... Go away emotions, thoughts, feelings! :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Really not up for work this morning, will probably just add to everything with the stress and all the things to do :( how am I going to get through today, I don't know!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    So I booked a GP appointment for Wednesday, as I felt I have been really struggling recently despite therapy. I keep thinking am I making the right choice? What else can they do, I'm already getting therapy :( but it's done so I guess I might as well go! I'm so nervous though, I've hid things a lot from them and my therapist, I should probably tell the truth, but I don't know how it will go..... I am soooo nervous! :(

    Also I'm hiding a lot from parents so I've not told them about GP appointment but I'm worried they will find out (we do live together) as my dad is really overprotective and likes to know where I go so I'm worrying a lot about making up an excuse. I don't know if he'd buy I'm meeting up with friends at 9:30am in the morning!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    So nervous and scared about tomorrow, wrote a note for the GP to read using the doctor ready app to get me started. It's done, I'm still thinking is this the right thing....... What I wrote will be on my medical records for the rest of my life! But I've just found mood swings so difficult and I think it's stopping me with progressing in CBT as I get really unmotivated. There's no going back, I won't be able to hide anything since I've wrote it down! I can't believe I'm doing this!

    I'm worried about what will be said, what questions they will ask me etc. I'm worried about how I will answer, if I freeze up and can't talk. I'm also worried about this previous bad experience with a GP affecting my medical notes and this consultation. I was put on the spot that time and lied a bit, made myself look like a fool. But not going to see that person tomorrow. It's the same person who referred me to CBT in the first place but I wasn't honest with her that time and I feel things have got worse.

    Right now, I have so much to do (just simple things) but I have no motivation :( it just seems so much as I've let things slip
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav :wave:

    I wanted to firstly say, good luck with today. It's a brave thing to do, and a step in the right direction. These things can take you out of your comfort zone, and perhaps cause a little bit of anxiety initially - but try and think of it as the pro's outweighing the cons.

    It's great you wrote out how you are feeling, it can really help you get your thoughts clear and ordered. I sometimes struggle with that too - and don't worry about things being on your medical records - that's confidential so no one else but your medical professional, and you, will know about it. It's really commendable that you have realised that there is an issue with your development in CBT.

    If you do find yourself struggling to answer any questions that the GP asks you - perhaps you could try saying to them something like I'm sorry - Im finding it a bit hard to respond to that at the moment. GP's won't want to distress you, and if they see you are getting into difficulties trying to answer their questions - then they should notice, but if not, just flag it up. It's better to be honest and let them know how you are feeling :yes:

    I hope it all goes well today - we're thinking of you *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hi tamsinjo :wave:

    Thanks for your reply, it was really helpful! :)

    I've had my apointment and it wasn't as bad as I'd thought it would be. The doctor said that the first step, is notice you have a problem and dealing with it - which I did! She was reassuring as she said I did the right thing coming here.

    I managed to answer all her questions truthfully.

    I ended up getting prescribed a low dose anti- depressant , which she said is good for anxiety and can help aid my CBT. She also said that if you feel that the number of sessions isn't enough, my therapist can refer me on for more if need be. ive got another GP appointment in 2 weeks to follow up the medication.

    I've got to be honest was reluctant to take medication in the past , and still am a bit weary. But she reassured me that citalopram is safe and since it's a very low dose. So I'll see how it goes!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Ugh...... What a night! Firstly, last night I was wide awake so restless, felt overwhelmed by negative thoughts and worries. Eventually I managed to get some sleep about 1am! Now I've woke up restless, agitated again.

    My head is so overwhelmed, too many sudden thought, keep trying to block them out....... My mind just won't stop :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    What the hell is up with me at the moment.........stupid fucking mind! Why do I keep thinking up my voice shouting at me, calling me names......ugh go away. Just so overwhelmed, wish I could scream....... So much tension! Not again!

    Why do I keep thinking up the past, replaying conversations in my head it's sooooo annoying and frustrating, causes me anxiety!

    I can't write the first words that come to my head, all this swearing and the urge to call myself names (I very rarely swear so it's not like me) .

    Control yourself A! Get a grip A! Need to be seriously careful, almost typed my first name, mind is so overpowering!

    Screw you thoughts, feelings emotions...... You are a trio of negativity!

    I'm starting to annoy myself, I'm writing very weirdly.........don't even make sense!

    Wish I could say I'd been drinking, but no I'm not.......im just venting but still avoiding the true venting or they'd be too much names directed at myself! Go on think I'm strange, why do I care!

    Man why am I acting this way......... Your so fucking strange apandav, go away!

    Ugh this makes no sense...... I make no sense :crying:
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I feel sick :yuck: , my heart is beating so fast :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Okay, calmed down considerably now, i think I've tired myself out. I was impulsively typing as I was very agitated, venting and hyper in a bad way...... So sorry! It's been 2 hours wow, so quick. Still a bit restless but definitely not as much as I was as above. I'm so tired now!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Slept like 3 hours and I'm now too awake to sleep !
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I'm still restless..... Can't stay still ! I'm so frustrated by this, it's ironic that I feel drained at the same time :( I feel I got more agitated after I calmed down a bit!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    After looking back, I feel rather embarrassed by what I have posted but I just needed to let it out!
    I'm absolutely shattered now !
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Well I may have calmed down now but I'm feeling really weird........like down and just can't be bothered. I don't know how to explain.

    I had to pick up something from shop, but I started worrying as I saw someone I thought I knew from a distance coming towards me........ Luckily it wasn't them.

    If only they understood why I haven't being doing that commitment, they still email me. It's a long story I started avoiding my emails and I still do..... Makes me nervous as I don't like seeing emails from them, it's stressful. But the other day I had to as I had to sign up for a uni thing. And she's asking me to go back to get something......I can't do it, I've let them down! It's so hard I have so much anxiety over things, I missed something I signed up for ages ago and I've gave a really bad impression of myself now :( but it's all due to me avoiding things! I should say I'm giving up but I can't do it , ahhhhhh!

    And now I have stupid other errand type things I should do but I don't like doing it as I'm scared something will be wrong with it. Like checking my wages as I'm scared there's a mistake so I'd have to speak to manager (which I don't want to) but I'm worried I've been mispayed and that if I discover something wrong and tell my parents they will be annoyed at me not standing up for myself!

    And I'm absolutely dreading work tomorrow(and Saturday), it's too stressful at the moment, too much stuff to do (as well as maintain other duties of people will moan). They don't understand how difficult it is for me to balance everything , I can't do it all at once. Then I don't want to face up to my colleague, incase he asks me to come in another date to help him.

    Then I was so nervous as I got put on the spot to answer questions (not about me, long story) and I'm worried that other people will be annoyed if I said the wrong things. I'm so indecisive and I just don't have much self trust!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I just feel that now I'm trying to block everything out, I feel like I don't know what to do to keep my mind off things and I'm starting to feel down :(
  • Danny!Danny! mod Posts: 560 The answer to life, the universe, and everything
    Sorry you're feeling down :( Could you give the Samaritans a call?

    And/or, would doing something practical or physical help? It doesn't have to be strong exercise, but sometimes having a physical focus can help to take your mind of things and change moods. It could be cooking, drawing, exercise, going somewhere, doing a crossword or puzzle - just something that has a physical focus can have a really meditative quality.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thanks Danny!

    Yeah, I made myself do something practical and it helped. Thing is afterwards I always start thinking about things I need to do, worries etc and then I get myself wound up again. I know that pushing myself to do something does help, I just struggle to sustain in! I probably should do some therapy worksheets to help but there's so much I'm dreading it. It's ironic I'm actually worrying about therapy. It's so hard when my moods are everywhere and ive been struggling a lot with motivation recently.

    My moods have been everywhere today, it's very overwhelming , one minute I'm so restless and agitated, the next I feel numb and so sad! I feel like I've gotten myself into a mess, it's complicated!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    :( too many stresses and worries in general at the moment. I think I'm anxious right now but I don't know exactly why (as I can feel my heart beating fast).

    I keep dreading work all the time as it's just to stressful and give me things to worry about. I just don't have the motivation to work, feel like lying in bed all day. I have no motivation.

    I keep thinking horrible things in my head..... It scares me!

    I have another big worry too :( which is causing me to avoid my emails! I get so nervous, I just can't open my emails at the moment. But the other day I had no choice as I needed to see an email for the university I will be starting. Then whisky I was there, I accidentky saw an email I wish I had never read. It just provoked a lot of anxiety in me...... It's complicated!

    I just can't be bothered with thing at the moment, what's the point! I keep worrying about the future and thinking my life going to end up a disaster.
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Really don't want to go to work tomorrow :(

    Plus I don't know how I'll sleep as I feel a bit panicky and I'm not in the best of moods :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    :( fuck this...... Pathetic me sitting here crying, feeling miserable, too many worries, crap mood, I'm miserable right now and I don't know what to do! I don't have motivation to do anything at all
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Stop adding addition stress to me D! :( leave me be, you don't understand! Stop making me feel bad about it! Leave me fucking alone D , stop caring too much :(:(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Too many emotions at once...... I feel like I'm going to explode!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    I've already gave up too much and let myself down, I feel like running away from all life's responsibilities!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Not good at all :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Last night and this morning in particular were awful, it's never been that bad! Don't know if it's the citalopram or me :(
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    So worried about therapy on Friday, my GP advised me to tell her the truth. I've been hiding something really big from my therapist, worried about reaction or if I'll be believed. She thinks things are going brilliant, little does she know! I've lied on that questionnaire :(

    Plus I'm so disappointed, cbt booklets have been stressing me out, I've become so unmotivated and I hadn't done any yet! I'll look so bad when I see her on Friday!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey apandav - looks like this thread has been a good outlet for your thoughts and feelings over the last few days. How are you doing now? It sounds like your anxiety has been ramping up and that you've got a lot of worries swimming around in your head.

    As far as the form goes - you wouldn't be the first person to lie on an assessment form in therapy so try not to be too hard on yourself, it may be that as your relationship grows with your therapist you feel more inclined to tell her this truth.. see how you feel. If needs be she may be able to refer you for further sessions if needed.

    What could you do to help you relax and find a break from all these whizzing thoughts?

    I don't know if these might help but these free guided meditations might help you to slow down: http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22

    Also this mood booster from Off The Record might be worth a look: http://www.otrbristol.org.uk/resilience-lab/mood-booster/

    It sounds like you have a great relationship with your GP, don't forget that if your symptoms are getting worse then you can make an appointment to see your GP too.

    Let us know how you're doing *hug*
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Hey Jo,

    Yeah I sometimes just need to let my thought and feelings out which I have been doing on here, especially when they build up.

    Still struggling a lot with things, it's ironic I'm actually worrying about therapy, when it's there to help me. I just find once I start worrying I won't stop and it goes round in my head. Eventually I start to believe some of my fears about my future which brings me down. Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed I feel like giving up.

    I know that mindfulness can help me (depending if I can concentrate/the mood I'm in) as it has in the past. The only thing is I'm struggling with motivation so I end up only doing it when I'm at my best.

    The mediation link you posted has actually got my favourite mindfulness tracks on it. I managed to push myself to do some today,which I haven't done in a while.

    The mood boosting website was inspiring, I'm thinking I need to set myself challenges to try some of the exercise. It's just finding motivation to start is difficult.

    I know, I've already started to be more open, I need to stop worrying about being honest with my GP and therapist as they are there to help me. It's just scary sometimes.

    Thanks :)
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Thinking about work tomorrow makes me sad, I'm worried about all the stress and worry no doubt it will cause tomorrow. I just have to push though :( it's so stressful at the moment, can't be bothered with people!
  • apandavapandav :) Posts: 2,072
    Feeling sad, just all of a sudden. Don't know why exactly, maybe it's the thought of stress at work , or worry about therapy on Friday, feeling like I've let myself down a lot, feeling like in don't think I'll get out of this or just me.
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