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Avoiding the friendzone
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
One of the reasons that I make in clear early on that I want sex is to avoid being thrown into the friendzone. If, as I've been advised, I don't mention sex soon and frequently, is there another way to prevent her from imprisoning me in the friendzone? I want to avoid her thinking, let alone saying, things to me like: "it's great to have a friend like you" or "you're like a brother to me". I don't want girls to view me as a friend or substitute brother; I want them to want to have sex with me as soon and often as possible. I want them to see me and very quickly have an extremely strong desire to have me in their beds. I don't want them to think about friendship at all. How can I make them think about casual sex in a positive way instead?
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The single best thing you can do for your situation is to drop your vile attitude. Good luck finding anyone who wants to associate with you until then.
Also, don't follow this up by saying you want a 'no strings attached' sexual relationship to justify this mindset. It doesn't.
What attitude do you want me to have? Do you expect me to wine and dine gold-diggers, wasting thousands of pounds and not getting so much as a peck on the cheek? Do you want me to happily take up a role as the 'mayor of the friendzone'?
You haven't tried to offer any advice in regard to how to avoid the friendzone.
It's difficult not to be thrown in the friendships; if someone doesn't find you sexually attractive but they like you otherwise, then naturally they're going to see you as a friend. There's no way of controlling a woman's feelings to make her sexually attracted to you. It's her choice and comes down to her preferences.
Initiating sex talk immediately with a woman is likely to be intimidating and could be offensive. Finding someone physically attractive is just one ingredient needed for sexual attraction, personality and a good character are just as, if not more important. If you try to steer the conversation round to sex all the time, it's not likely to paint you in a good light.
Therefore, it might be a good idea to have friendships with these women who put you in the friends zone. You could get some ideas on how to develop a connection with a woman before going to more intimate discussion topics. It's ok to just be interested in casual sex and it's ok to be open about this, but to bring it up straight away isn't appropriate. Placing so much emphasis on sex will probably make women you talk to feel like a piece of meat rather than a human being you're interested in getting to know (even if it's just for a short while!).
So if you can, try to relax and put sex out of your mind as your ultimate goal.
Hope this helps,
Row.
I've tried asking girls for their advice as to how to get sex with other girls; they won't tell me. They've told me to just accept that no girl will ever want sex with me and I will die a virgin.
Sex isn't my ultimate goal; it's my immediate goal. I'm hypersexual; I want sex multiple times every day. I have to masturbate for about two hours per day on average. When I'm near a girl I fancy, it's impossible for me to not think about sex.
If a good character/personality is a necessary component in a man in order for women to be sexually attracted to him, why do men who have antisocial personality disorder get a great deal of sex with loads of women? Meanwhile, millions of nice guys are imprisoned in the friendzone.
It seems like sex could be a negative distraction and preoccupation for you at the moment, so you could benefit from some professional support.
Row.
As I stated in a previous thread I started, I went to my GP and I've been refused counselling.
It's not sex that's negative for me - it's the lack of sex that's the problem. I want frequent sex; I don't want to be 'cured' of my sex drive to stop me wanting sex.
I'm not in anyway saying that wanting sex is a negative thing, you just need to tone it down a bit and not let it control every aspect of your life. If you stop trying so hard you're more likely to end up having sex as you don't come across as desperate and just trying to get in anyone's pants.
It's a normal, good thing to want sex. If our ancestors hadn't wanted sex, we wouldn't have been born.
Did you even read what I said?
I did not say anything about wanting sex being a bad thing. I said that wanting sex as much as you do is clearly a negative thing for you, I'm not saying it isn't normal, but it's apparent that it's effecting you and it isn't healthy, maybe that's just because you're not getting any and it's making you frustrated, I don't know. But this desperation is not going to get you anywhere. It's such a turn off.
This is just going to end up like all of your other threads, because you don't change your mindset. Your thread may as well be called 'how to easily get in a girls pants with minimal effort' because that's essentially what you want to know. Even if you're no longer in the 'friend zone' it doesn't automatically entitle you to sex.
No, there is nothing wrong with wanting casual sex. No one has said that there is. What's wrong is your attitude towards getting it - implying that it's all women are for, talking about them like meat, and refusing to be at ALL decent towards them unless it gets you laid.
Even a casual relationship involves giving a shit about more (even marginally) than the sex you get and involes feelings of some kind.
Agree with the above, too. Your obsession with getting sex is at an unhealthy level. But you won't admit that, will you? Just like you won't accept anything anyone tells you.
Most (male) virgins are obsessed with getting sex. If they weren't, there'd be many millions of middle-aged virgins who hadn't got round to having sex because they prioritised many other things above it.
How specifically do you suggest I change my attitude so that I get lots of casual sex?
Fuck buddies do talk to each other about their lives, things that are going on etc. I have had several, I speak from experience. One night stands have less of a relationship, true, but there generally is a 'connection '. With your autism you may find this ' connection ' difficult to obtain because it is done on an intuitive level and generally autistic people find this More difficult to recognise.
if you do not treat people with this type of care, you start to see interactions as transactions - ie only looking for what you can get out of it, rather than what you can contribute to. This makes people feel used and objectified. Most people do not want that.
To change your attitude, you can specifically :
- Stop objectifying women as sex objects / people to deliver sex to you
- Stop being creepy and overly familiar (calling a girl honey in your first message, leering inappropriately)
- Work on building fulfilment from other things in life, as this generally makes a person more attractive
- Stop viewing sex as the goal- your goal should be mutual enjoyment; sex is a bonus
I know you want to have lots of sex very often, and thus cannot financially consider prostitution, but it might be worth saving up for an experience just so that you can see it is about more than just sex.
I interact frequently with staff who work for the companies from whom I buy food, my phone and internet contracts etc. - as well as cold-calling salespeople. Those interactions are not relationships. They and I do not care about each other, nor are we interested in each other as people.
Most people who express a view on fuck buddies say it's usual and best not to talk to each other about things unrelated to sex. What did each fuck buddy say or do that made you want to be their fuck buddy? I'd love to know how to get fuck buddies. Being fuck buddies does not involve wining and dining, knowing each other for weeks first, buying expensive jewellery, meeting each others' families etc. The existence of fuck buddies proves that having frequent sex does not require being in a committed, monogamous relationship. It would suit me very well.
How do I form this 'connection' that you and a few other people on here have mentioned?
And if our ancestors did not eat we wouldn't be here either, that does not mean they need to stuff their faces until they balloon up to a size until they cannot move anymore. The key is moderation. Wanting sex is absolutely ok, natural and expected, it is your obsessive tendencies that result in your decreased quality of life. You think, "but no StrubbleS, NOT having sex is the reason for my reduced quality of life.", that is because you are obsessed. Many people who like sex (so pretty much everyone) are not getting it by the snap of fingers. Not snorting cocaine everyday does NOT result in a decreased quality of life for most people, just for those who are addicted to it. The solution for these people is to treat their addiction, not keep supplying their nasal mucosa with blow.
Your problem is not the lack of sex, your problem is basically an addiction to something you haven't even had yet. It is pathological, it frustrates you to no end and it actually hinders you in achieving your goals.
The vast majority of people do not take cocaine; wanting cocaine is not usual; cocaine is very harmful. The large majority of people have sex; wanting sex is normal; sex can be safe and enjoyable.
*How should I view girls with whom I very much want to have sex?
*I want girls to call me honey and look at me lustfully (even if I don't fancy them). An oft-quoted rule is to treat others as you would like them to treat you.
*I'm trying to find fulfilment elsewhere as well. I find all aspects of life a struggle. I cannot be satisfied and happy without frequent sex.
*The most enjoyment would be from having sex. When I'm near to a girl whom I fancy, It's impossible for me to not think about sex continuously as that's the only thing I want her for. If I didn't want sex with her, I wouldn't be interested in her. If most people viewed sex as merely a bonus, the human race would have died out many thousands of years ago. It's normal to prioritise it. It's very important to you - to such an extent that you've had several fuck buddies (sex is what a fuck buddy is all about - it's never a bonus with them). I've hated every sexless date I've had. Each one was a waste of time, effort and money. At the end of each date, I felt horribly frustrated and foolish. Each sexless date made me hate myself more, as well as hate the gold-digging, cock-teasing timewasters who put me through them.
You enjoy sex-centred relationships, which is why you've had several fuck buddies - that's what they're for. A fuck buddy is not your friend, partner or love of your life. You enjoy sex without commitment or love. Hence you must have viewed them in a sexual way and not ever thought in regard to any of them: 'I'll get to know him really well and, maybe, one day, as a bonus, we'll have sex.'
All 'interactions' you've mentioned there are transactions. That's objectification (albeit in a more acceptable format as generally they're providing a service) You'd probably find if you showed a bit of interest in the other person that the whole transaction would be more positive - did people react well to cold-calling?
Who are 'most people '? Where's your evidence? My experience says different.
Developing fuckbuddy relationships was not purely about things they did and said, it was also about my choice at the time. One was a guy I knew through salsa. We were flirty on the dance floor, became friends and spent a bit of time together over a few months having regular sex. During that time we also went to salsa events, spoke about political situations, hung out etc.
Another was someone with whom dating had failed. We didn't spend much time together outside of sex, but still chatted and had fun. Another was a neighbour, again we became good friends first and then developed a sexual relationship on top of that.
I got into all of these situations because I valued the other person and treated them as more than just meat- and they did the same for me. If I had been upset in their presence they would have shown me care.
Sex between a prostitute and client is about more than just sex and money? What else does it involve?
You think that I should show interest in a stranger whom I've never met and am extremely unlikely to meet, who lives hundreds/thousands of miles away and is only talking to me because I'm a (potential) customer of the organisation for whom (s)he works? I'm civil and I stay on topic. I don't ask him/her about his/her life.
I'm the recipient of the cold-calling. I dislike it, unless the product/service offered by the person is something I want, can afford and is reasonably priced.
That rule usually works, apart from where your treatment is negative. Calling women sweet names and treating them lustfully is creepy for two reasons:
- Society as a whole has a long history of objectifying and not respecting women, thus treating them as though they have no choice but to be sex objects.
- You treat women as sex objects and are not interested in them as people with desires and hopes and emotions.
Do you go out / hang out with male friends? When you go out (to cinema? To eat? To drink?) do you view them as 'gold-digging cockteasing timewasters'? Viewing every person who wants to hang out without sex as gold digging and time wasting is a key factor in why you're not moving forward in relationships. women do not owe you sex, and they are not 'cockteasing' if they decide not to have sex with you. Sex is a relationship between two people and they both get to decide if they're up for it - guess what? My fuckbuddies were allowed to say no if they weren't up for it!
Yes, I enjoy sex, but I'm going to correct you and tell you that it's not the most important thing for me. I can go without it - I'm able to respect my partner's wishes when he's not feeling up for it. I don't go to pieces or get obsessed with it like you are. I value the people I interact with because they are people, not just a means for me to get myself off. I don't view people solely as a means to sex, but approach all relationships with an aim of mutual enjoyment. That way sex is a bonus.
The most people I refer to are ordinary individuals who have said they've been in such situations, as well as journalists, documentary-makers etc. writing/speaking/filming about the subject.
The three examples you give don't sound like fuck buddies. From the way you describe them, they were your friends with benefits or part-time relationships. Fuck buddies don't form a friendship first, talk about politics together, chat inanely together or hang out for non-sexual purposes. I want fuck buddies/booty calls, not FWBs. What I want is a gorgeous girl who phones me to ask me to go to her place for sex with her; I go there; she and I have sex together there - no extraneous stuff.
I have zero interest in old-fashioned dating, taking someone out/going out together, wining and dining, being friends first, killing time or being her free taxi driver, free handyman, free babysitter, open wallet, shoulder to cry on etc. I want to hook up; get laid - not play mindgames. I don't enjoy the so-called thrill of the chase - I enjoy cumming. I'm certain that I would enjoy ejaculating into real vaginas more than I do into my artificial one.
It depends who is saying it and in what context.
I'm fairly confident that if Adam0 doesn't sort out his attitude then nobody will ever want to have sex with him, for the reasons Purple_roo has explained.
Again, as purple_roo has explained, it is about seeing people as people rather than a warm body to put your penis inside.
Even the most basic interaction involves seeing the other person as a person. When you ring up a call centre you chat about the weather. When you go to the barber's you talk about their weekend or their holiday. When you pull someone in a bar you talk about where they're from, what music they like, what they want to drink.
There are no magic words. I couldn't tell you how my conversations with my previous fuck buddies turned to sex. I couldn't tell you what I said to my last one-night stand.
Quite simply, if you don't understand this and you see it as a transaction- "a £20 dinner gets a blowie, a £50 dinner gets full sex"- then you are not going to get what you want. You need to work on the interactions if you don't know how to do this.
Also, the "friend zone" is not something you should be hurt or upset by. It happens. Sometimes things reach a point where you like each other but you don't want to have sex with them. You need to see it as a positive. I've had it where someone hasn't wanted to have sex with me after a bit of fooling around and now they're a good friend, and I've had it where another friend's really wanted to have sex with me but I've just not been into them like that. Sex is not an entitlement.
I've never paid or been expected to pay for cinema tickets, food, drinks, clothes, jewellery etc. for male aquaintances. Sex isn't 'on the table', because they and I are heterosexual. They haven't milked my wallet. A girl who chooses to go on a date with me, wears a sexy dress, dances sexily in front of me etc. - then doesn't even allow me to give her a peck on the cheek - is gold-digging, cockteasing and timewasting.
Fuck buddies are not really in a relationship with each other. In a real fuck buddy dynamic (not the incorrect examples you gave), sex is the most important thing, usually the only thing.
I don't talk to call centre staff about the weather. It's of no relevance to me what the weather conditions are hundreds or thousands of miles away. I find out about the weather where I live by watching the forecast on TV. Someone in Newcastle or Delhi is not going to know more about the weather here than the meteorologists do. I'm not trying to become friends, lovers etc, with them. I either want to receive/complain about a service/product or I want them to stop phoning me. I don't want to nurture an acquaintanceship with them.
Odd.
I often buy drinks for my mates- male and female- and they have bought drinks for me. I don't think any of us want to fuck.
I suspect they meet you, see what a truly despicable attitude you have towards them, and run a mile.
What do you think a fuck buddy is, if not a buddy you fuck?
There is a person attached to that vagina. Learn that lesson or remain a virgin. Your choice innit.
:yes: