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Becoming friends with an ex

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I broke up with my boyfriend two weeks ago. It was not a good break up but then they never are. Then a week after we broke up, he started calling and texting me saying that he missed me so much and that'd he'd do anything to get me back. I told him that it wasn't going to happen.

Then he was asking if we could be friends or keep on texting each other. I tried that but he was texting me all the time. Constantly asking what I was doing. So I told him to stop and he did.

However yesterday he texted me saying he still missed me. He desperately still wants us to talk in some way because I was the only person he felt comfortable talking to about things that made him upset.

I don't want to cut him out of my life but I have no idea how we can make a friendship work between us.

Anyone have any advice?

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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello Erinabi45,

    Breaking up is never going to be easy but it can be even more difficult when the decision to end it is not mutual. This is often the case and one person is left trying to change the others mind about the choice they have made. This in turn can make the person who decided to break up question themselves! -However it's always important to remember how come you decided to end it- After all its called a break up because its broken.
    Depending on the circumstances I do think it is possible to be friends with an ex partner - especially when you have mutual friends. HOWEVER for this to happen both people usually need to have accepted that the relationship as you both knew it is now different. This can take time of course. Take a look at this article, its about the stages people go through when a relationship ends you might find it helpful in terms of thinking about when you could try to make a friendship work. I think for now time and space will do the world of good and you musnt let yourself feel guilty about asking for space at the moment. https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship
    Good luck and let us know how you get on!
    Take care, Eli
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Do you know why he broke up with you? What reasons did he give you?

    Whenever he tries to weasel himself back into your life, envisage why he broke up with you, that these problems are likely not resolved and that he might do it again and repeat the hurt you experienced (or still do).

    I am not saying friendship between exes is impossible, but you cannot force yourself to. Both people need to be over the break-up 100% and there can be no lingering romantic feelings. You are not at that point (maybe yet or maybe ever).

    I suggest you cut him out of your life for now, until you are over the hurt. You can still reconnect later. Also it will turn out if he really missed you and wants to reconnect or if his balls are telling him to, because now he has to empty them himself (which seems quite likely given your other thread about him). Tell him you are hurt, he brought this situation upon himself and that you cannot keep contact at the moment, but will eventually reach out to him once you feel better about this. The more he contacts you, the longer he delays that day from arriving.

    It is very much possible that you (and he) is just experience something akin to withdrawal symptoms from the partnership you had. Once you give it some time it can very well be that you feel absolutely no inclination to reconnect with him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    StrubbleS wrote: »
    Do you know why he broke up with you? What reasons did he give you?

    This is someone different to my other thread. Yeah I know I have too many issues with boys. But the guy I'm talking about here, I broke up with him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    erinabi45 wrote: »
    This is someone different to my other thread. Yeah I know I have too many issues with boys. But the guy I'm talking about here, I broke up with him.

    ah! I assumed it was the same guy and ignored/oversaw that it says so in the very first sentence. Anyway, the advice is still the same.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi erinabi45, I'm sorry to hear about you and your bf breaking up. I know it's hard that its happened but remember there are people who have been I'm the same situation and I'm time I know you will get over that.

    I don't think you should give your bf the benefit of the doubt. I know you still have feelings for him but he dumped you and if he wanted you back then he wouldn't of broke up with you. You don't need to give h anything.

    I think you have done the right thing by deleting his texts and not answering him. Now that you have done that you can start moving on as you are ready and even if he dumped you but coming back to you shows he hasn't but that's his fault. You didn't deserve this so it's good that it's been left like that and haven't messaged him back.

    Good to know that you are slowly moving on so keep doing that. Spend time with friends and family the people who care about you and go out a bit more with friends who can do that with you so you can have fun etc. You might even meet someone out there but you want to focus on yourself first and only you.

    Maybe give it time and see what happens. I know it's up to you what you do but I would think about you first for now.

    x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    CrazyCat wrote: »
    but he dumped you... even if he dumped you

    Again, this is a different guy. I broke up with him.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry I didn't know. I thought this was the same ex you was with.

    You might want to have some space for now as you need time to think and see wether or not you want to get back with this guy. As I said before you have to think about ur self first so you know what's best for you.

    I can understand he might still like you and you might still like him but with everything your doing by deleting his texts and not answering him is good. You want to make sure that when you have thought about things then wether or not you want to be with him or not.

    I think in the mean time you want to spend time with your friends and family and get out as your friends will be able to do that with you and have fun etc. You want to be around people who care about you and will support you.

    Hopefully in time your be with someone if that's the guy who you were seeing just recently or someone se who will make you happy.

    Everything I said before sums it all up.

    x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Erinabi45,

    Break-ups are usually difficult to get over, either way somebody gets hurt. If you were once with the person this means you once cared about them so if they feel confused over a situation, its worth giving them your time to talk things through. Clarity is such a big thing in a break-up and when one or both people don't receive this they might tend to go a bit mad and perhaps clingy. Just think about it if it was the other way around and it was you feeling like this, what kind of response would you want? Might also be a good idea to meet up face to face so the conversation seems more meaningful, let him know how you feel.

    Heres an article which might help, it may not be as extreme, but it is n example of how it could get if you guys don't clarify things

    Let us know :)
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Now I understand that you were the one what broke up with your most recent bf and your finding it difficult to do two things....

    1. For the guy to get the message

    Or

    2. Give him the time of day to talk to him

    This is a difficult situation to be In but you have to remember that even though you broke up with him that there was a reason to why you broke up with him and whatever that reason was needs to be kept in your mind so that you don't go back on your word and make a big mistake.

    This guy seemed like a really nice guy who really liked you and was devasted you broke up with him although you can't blame yourself for breaking up with him. From what it sounds like there didn't seem to be connection with you and this guy I'm your eyes which is fair enough.

    However, you need to think about what your going to do. Are you going to leave it so that he gets the message or will you talk to him in person first? Whatever you decide needs to be for the right reasons.

    Wether you and him are officially over you need to let him now in the most gentle kind way that you feel that having some space on your own is what's best for you and having a bf or any kind of relationship is not on your agenda right now.

    Hopefully by then the messages and calls will start to stop and your be able to have your own space again.

    Please let us now how it goes

    Hugs x
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Erinabi45,

    It is a difficult situation to find yourself in. I think it's often easier to stay friends with an ex when it was a mutual breakup. When one of the couple leaves the other it usually takes time to get over the hard feelings and pain. Sometimes it can be quite challenging supporting your ex as a friend but in the same time not giving false hope.
    It might worth to sit down with him and talk honestly about your feelings. Can be really hard for him to hear that as you said you don't want to continue this relationship anymore but in the same talking face to face can be also helpful to accept the reality. :yes:

    Good luck!
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi everyone

    I met up with him and I told him the reasons I broke up with him. I think it went quite well. He was very upset but he said now that he knows all this he can have closure and move on. He agreed that it would be best if we spent some time apart and we could try and be friends later. Hopefully that will work out.

    Thank you for your advice xx
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    erinabi45 wrote: »
    Hi everyone

    I met up with him and I told him the reasons I broke up with him. I think it went quite well. He was very upset but he said now that he knows all this he can have closure and move on. He agreed that it would be best if we spent some time apart and we could try and be friends later. Hopefully that will work out.

    Thank you for your advice xx

    This was well handled. Give yourself some time to get emotionally detached from each other. There is always opportunity to reconnect later.
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