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Becoming a step mum
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My new boyfriend has a two year old little boy, who doesn't live with him and he has him on weekends. He is not on great terms with his ex - she's constantly finding things to complain about and often threatens to stop him seeing his little one.
I love kids, and I'm very happy to spend some of my time with his little one - in fact I'm actually really looking forward to meeting him and going and doing fun things like going to the zoo and stuff. I am worried about his little one not liking me or his ex getting upset with me. She seems to have huge mood swings and make huge arguments over very small things.
Any ideas?
I love kids, and I'm very happy to spend some of my time with his little one - in fact I'm actually really looking forward to meeting him and going and doing fun things like going to the zoo and stuff. I am worried about his little one not liking me or his ex getting upset with me. She seems to have huge mood swings and make huge arguments over very small things.
Any ideas?
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Of the selection of men I know in a similar position to your new boyfriend (and working offshore, there's a fair few) the general consensus seems to be that girlfriends need to be pretty well established before becoming part of the child's life. That doesn't necessarily mean child doesn't know about girlfriends existence - but baby steps is key on this one.
so if they are introduced, then in a month or so's time they decide to end it because things aren't working out, how confusing is that for the child? the little boy is only 2 so the chances of them 'not getting on' are quite slim really, he is very young, it's not like hes a stroppy teenager or something.
if you had a child with somebody then broke up with them would you be happy with your ex introducing the child to his new girlfriend after only a couple of weeks? I wouldn't be.
There's no point whatsoever getting serious in a relationship if your partner and child do not get on. I'm going off experience and one of my ex's children was only two when my ex and I got together, and it took him a while to warm up to me. You've got to build a relationship with the children before you get serious with your partner.
Also, it's not really his ex's choice. He wants to introduce his girlfriend to his son and that's his choice, his ex will have to deal with it.
This. Completely this.
My mum has had boyfriends in and out my life since I was three and I've fucking hated it, no stability, them living with us and then not, the arguments etc etc. There is no need to meet the child until things are very serious in your relationship.
Butterfly your point is absolutely ridiculous. Children need stability and introducing them to people who might not stick around is very damaging. Also, it is 100% his ex's business and she needs to be involved with the decisions and situations. The child is very young and can't make their own decisions, so parents with joint custody must make the decisions TOGETHER in the best interest of the child.
I agree and I'm glad it's not just me! butterfly I couldn't disagree with you more.
If you read Miss_Riot's original post you will see that she has mentioned that her partner and his ex aren't on great terms. Yes, of course it's his mums business too, but it sounds like she wouldn't be happy with it at any point in his relationship, yet I bet if this was the other way around then she would be more than happy to introduce her son to her partner straight away.
I said I'm going off experience from when I met my ex's children. I do not have my own kids and I don't have experience from the child's point of view because my parents have been together forever, so back off. I don't think I'm right, I'm just giving my opinion, as you guys are.
Anyway, I don't think this is the discussion Miss_Riot wanted, unless I've got that wrong.
Note - She wants him to have him every weekend so she can have her boyfriend over, who she did introduce to little one pretty much after 2 dates. And guys I don't come on here to be judged or have my actions judged, I've just asked for some advice, possibly not in the best way I could have done considering the situation but now you guys have all the info. All I wanted was some ideas of how to make friends with his little one and how to go onwards...
I know this is a little bit of a "how long is a piece of string" question, but what stage are most kids at when they reach 2? I know that he's only just two, and I know he's not quite getting full sentences out but he's getting his meaning across, although I've been told he'll rarely stay still for long (C has said that he'll sit and watch a short kids program, but hasn't the attention span for much - which I'm assuming is very normal. I've spent more time around kids younger and around school starting age and I've managed ok, but I'm kind of trying to build an idea in my head what he will and won't understand and do. I'm a little worried about the hyperactive running about bit because I can't run and keep up, so I'm a bit worried about not being able to stop being he goes head first into a wall but most of Saturday they'll be 3 adults (his dad, his housemate who often baby sits and has done since he was tiny and me) so I'm hoping someone can grab him if it looks like he's going to do stuff like that.
This isn't how we wanted to meet but with his ex giving him ultimatums (and they have been apart for over a year) he wasn't really left with much choice - and I never want to put him in a position of choosing being me and little one (because I know little one will come first every time and rightly so)!
yeah... no. If she is a cunt to the ex, she surely won't be nice to his new gf.
Just let it happen. He has a right to see his child and if he has him for the weekend he can choose to hang out with you as three. You don't need permission from his ex and you shouldn't seek it.
Good to see this thread is a little more back on track - fireyfirenze, I
Just a reminder that these kinds of threads aren't a debating ground on the issue of relationships when children are in the picture, they're a space for insight and encouragement.
Remember that your own personal experience is super subjective and try not to project too much onto Miss_Riot as she needs to navigate her own circumstances and we really don't know anything about the family concerned. What works for one family might be different for another - and really the key to any of these relationships is good communication - being open and honest with the children and protecting them in the process.
Miss_Riot, try to avoid drawing too many conclusions about the mother at this point and perhaps approach this as a discovery phase rather than one where you make any assumptions or hard and fast decisions. There's lots you won't know and so maintaining a compassionate approach, even if your other half is bad mouthing her, will be better in the long run - for you, your partner and the kids. As they are still young, there's still plenty of time for negotiation, compromise and warmth between the parents, so supporting your boyfriend to find these will be key - that means listening to his concerns, but being ready to step back from the situation if needed and know that even if you are able to provide solutions, you may never be able to take credit for your role - it's one of those where you may become the invisible peace keeper. This could be really tough, but also rewarding if you make it through together.
I have a two year-old niece and she's very forthright - she's cute and loving, but also has no inhibitions and would have no qualms telling me 'oh shut up aunty Helen' or 'go away, don't want to see you now' - that's the funny thing about children - they will just speak their mind without hesitation. So I guess I'm telling you this because if you experience it, the key is not to take it personally! And also recognise it doesn't mean they don't like you, they will value the interactions you have and your time and as B_A says could become quite attached.
Anyhow, take your time to absorb the situation you've found yourself in and don't hesitate to reach out to wider organisations that have insight on this - Family Matters is a great starting place - and also one to familiarise your boyfriend with:
http://familylives.org.uk/
I know a lone mother who would contact them regularly when trying to navigate a situation where her young son suddenly refused to spend time with Dad and girlfriend - they were really helpful. :thumb:
We've been very open and honest about how we're feeling. This weekend I'm meeting a lot of his friends so just a bit nervous about that too!
I'll definitely give family matters a go
Thanks Helen!!
When i started seeing my missus I was introduced as a friend only until things became more serious. It makes much more sense in my mimd to wait until the relatiomship's established before making it known to the kid that you are now together. Doesnt mean you cant be introduced before that though.
Taking on a kid whos not your own who still has a lot of contact with your partners ex is a big deal, and can be tricky at times. My adcice would be not to try too hard too soon, to fill in the stepmum roll. Let it happen slowly.
It's always good to be down on a child's level when playing so they don't feel intimidated, just as a general rule. If he does want you to pick him up then just explain to him that you can't because it makes your back hurt, depending on how advanced he is he might understand this and if he doesn't then it's always good to give a reason anyway so they know you aren't fobbing them off.
Meeting him at 11!
I'm sure you know all this, but don't feel you have to try and be his mother. You're not.
Dr Roll was introduced to sodchild as a friend, and sodchild's only complaint was that they shared the same first name- "but I'M sodchild *grump*". She got over it pretty quickly. Sodchild doesn't see her as her mother and is clear on that, but she does understand that we're a couple and we're moving in together. She's decided that we're going to get married, though I think that's purely so she can be a bridesmaid. She's at that stage where she doesn't want a smelly boy to take her to the loo, though, which is interesting for Dr Roll. You've got that to look forward to.
Instability is always a bad thing, but it's for the parent to manage that, not you.
Sounds gross writing it but people do use the sofa or something...
If things go well it might make some sense to come over here sometimes and we can set up a travel cot in my room or downstairs after we go to bed.