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A new relationship..

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hey guys,

I've been on a last minute date tonight with a guy I've known for a while and it was great.

I'm just wondering what you guys think..

If my ex said to me 'I'm so sorry, I love you and I've changed', I think I would give him another chance, and even though I know that probably won't happen, I do wish it could..

This guy that I went on a date with, he has said he really likes me, he has asked me out, I've said yes because I do quite like him.

So, am I a bad person? I would get back with my ex if that was a possibility, so should I have said no to this guy tonight? Should I have not gone on the date at all?

I feel guilty.

I know that I'm never going to like someone as much as I liked my ex before we got together :(

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    You're not a bad person at all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru

    I know that I'm never going to like someone as much as I liked my ex before we got together :(

    I think everyone has felt this about a person at one point in their lives and still their lives went on. It's perfectly normal to go on dates regardless where your heart is. It makes the getting over someone phase a lot easier too.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's unlikely that you'll fall in love with someone new immediately - the only way you'll find out whether you're ready is if you do go on dates. So no, you're not a bad person!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Uh, never drinking so much again, feel so ill.

    I regret saying yes :( I can't exactly say I changed my mind now that I'm sober, can I?

    I'm scared. I feel like I'm never going to get over my ex. I don't want to have to.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Have you mentioned that to him?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Of course you're not a bad person! It's normal to feel like this about some exes, but if you know there's no chance of getting back with him, there's nothing wrong with going out with someone else, jus make sure you don't spend the entire evening talking about your ex! :) x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No, I haven't mentioned that to him.

    I am a bad person, I know it. I'm so stupid!
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Boards Champion
    No, I haven't mentioned that to him.

    I am a bad person, I know it. I'm so stupid!

    Hey butterfly, it's not something you have to mention or not - people were just asking the question as it's relevant to the thread :). One of the things frogs was highlighting is that sometimes feelings for exes can spill over into new relationships and so it's good to be aware of those feelings and try as much as possible to keep them separate.

    Having said that, it can be helpful for a new boyf/date to know at some point you've been hurt in the past so that they can be sensitive to your feelings. In this scenario right now, you could just be totally upfront and say to the guy something along the lines of:

    'listen, I thought I was ready to start seeing someone again after my ex, but now I've realised I've still got things to resolve from the past and I don't want you to get caught up in it.

    Getting over an ex might sound like a horrible thing - but going through that process will make you stronger and help you to learn about yourself - that I can almost guarantee. Hang in there and keep posting about it - it's a good and important process :)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Agree with Helen.

    I'm still very much not over my last ex, but I'm not going to let that stop me trying to find other people who may turn out just as awesome. The people I'm seeing all know that I have...issues...and they're ok with that. Granted I haven't specifically mentioned that I'm still kinda pining, but as I am not after a monogamous relationship it's not quite as relevant.

    They do, however, know that there are people in my past that still have some kind of power over me. Everyone does and it's normal.

    Tell him you'd like to take it slow because you're still feeling a bit wounded from what was a very hurtful relationship and break up with your ex. If he's worth his salt he'll accept that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thanks for your replies Helen and Franki.

    I said to him something similar to what Helen told me to say. I've turned off my phone now though, which probably means I'm not a very nice person, but at least I've finally said it.

    I don't want a relationship, even starting to cry again now. Uh. I don't understand why I'm still so upset at times about my ex, I'm the one that left so why am I still like this? I couldn't care less if I never have another relationship again. I never want to feel like this again, it's one of the worst feelings in the world and it's so hard :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have had one long term relationship in my life.

    We were together for four years and in the end, I broke up with him for reasons best not gone into right now.

    That was three and a half years ago.

    It still hurts sometimes when I think about him. About the what if.

    But I truly believe that if I had stayed with him, I would not be who I am now. I would have let myself be held back for his benefit. I may not be better off without him (my mental health and self harm have got worse since we broke up), but I'm better off than I would have been if I'd stayed with him.
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