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A Boy and Me with Mental Health

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
(Sorry for writing so many threads! Also small TW)

So, I met boy yesterday, and we kissed :o made me mega happy, and he wants to come over on Saturday..

I'm scared tbh. I've recently (today) self-harmed, on my leg again. Boy doesn't know I do this, and I know he'll be heartbroken, and I don't even know how I'd tell him.

We're not together yet, but it's working progress, but I like him and I haven't actually liked or wanted to be with anyone for three years, but he makes me mega happy, and he made the first move.

I don't want to hurt him, like I seem to be hurting everyone else...

Help?!:confused:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It's good to hear he makes you happy and that clearly he likes you a lot.

    There's no way of getting out of this, sorry to say, because you do have mental health issues. I will point out that it's not a choice.

    In my opinion, I would tell him now before you get serious. It sounds to me like you do trust him.. is that the case? But you just don't want to hurt him. I think it would be better to tell him now as it would probably hurt him more if you waited until you were a serious couple, or if he found out for himself.

    I know this won't be easy but in my experience, when I told my ex, he was more upset for me than with me.

    Maybe you could think about telling him why you self harm, and what you get out of it. This may help him to understand a bit more.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Obviously the room is going to be dark Saturday anyway...

    Would there be point letting him know after or before? Like it shouldn't be TOO noticeable..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm confused. You met a boy yesterday who you're already considering telling about your mh?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm confused. You met a boy yesterday who you're already considering telling about your mh?

    I've known him for a while..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's completely your choice but I think maybe it would be a good conversation to have before.. that's a pretty big step to take with someone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Friend who's known him longer thinks I should tell him...
    He wouldn't be angry, but I wouldn't want to hurt him..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think the longer you wait, the more hurt he would be. It's nobodies choice but yours, but he clearly likes you a lot and it's good that you don't think he would be angry.

    Just prepare yourself, think about how you can bring it up, what you will say, maybe think about some answers to some questions he may possibly ask.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Face to face or online?!
    I'm always open about it, but don't want to scare him off...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Personally I would do it face to face, then he has more chance of talking about it with you.

    I'm sure you won't scare him off! He likes you :) remember that.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Will try on Sat, if I lose everything, it's nothing new there!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm sure everything will be okay, he sounds like a special guy for you.

    Good luck, we're here.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thank you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi *sophiepea*,

    How did it go on Saturday with Boy? Hope everything went well and you managed to say what you felt was right to share at the time.

    Just wanted to highlight an article on telling someone you self harm that can help you through this situation.

    Do let us know how you got on *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    That's completely your choice but I think maybe it would be a good conversation to have before.. that's a pretty big step to take with someone.

    Completely agree. If you are meant to be together, this will only build trust & understanding between the both of you and a beautiful relationship will blossom and you may even possibly stop harming yourself..
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Well he hasn't spoke to me since I told him....

    Not shocked tbh. No one loves a girl who cuts... or who gets sectioned... or who is in A&e constantly for attempting suicide.
  • **helen****helen** Mod malarkist Posts: 9,235 Listening Ear
    Hey Soph,
    It was brave of you to tell him and I'm sorry to hear the reaction wasn't the one you were hoping for. I think it's fair to say that 'no one loves a girl who' isn't necessarily the way it has to be. I'm pretty sure you've already seen our new www.madlyinlove.co.uk as you helped developed it :) But I wonder if you've seen our article 'single with a mental health problem' http://www.madlyinlove.co.uk/expert-advice/single-mental-health-problem-181.html. Dr Aaron gives some good advice:
    The secret is changing the ‘dominant conversation’ in your head so you stop viewing your mental health as all there is to your personality and character.

    “Remember that for you, your mental health issue is foreground because you’re always thinking about it. But don’t assume that’s going to be the case for the person you fancy. They’ll see the whole person, not just the condition, so let them make up their own mind,” he says.

    By all means think about the conversation you had with this guy and whether or not you felt it could have been better from your point of view, but chances are he may just not understand and in which case may need a bit of time to reflect, or just not be the right person for you to have in your life right now.

    Keep us posted. *hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Thank you, Helen *hug*

    I think I'm going to give up all around... I was 100% sure he'd go walkies and not talk to me, so don't know why I've taken it to heart so much.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I'm going to be completely honest (sorry if it is not wanted here).

    If someone I'd just started seeing (maybe... weeks to a month), sat me down and explained a bit about their mental health problems, I think I'd be OK with that. It would feel good that they trusted me enough to have that conversation, and share that part of their life with me. I'd be positive that from that point on, our relationship would be better because I'd be aware of the issues.

    However..... If someone I had just started dating, decided to tell me EVERYTHING, I'd be kind of wary. Also, if someone went to me "oh you need to know, I've been sectioned a few times recently, and I've tried to kill myself". Honestly?? I'd be wondering whether that person was in the right place to start a relationship. And yes, I would back off. I'm not saying I wouldn't consider a relationship with that person, but I certainly don't think it would be healthy to start a relationship with that particular person at that particular point in time.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never put it that way tbh.

    And I'd been seeing him for more than a week.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I never put it that way tbh.

    And I'd been seeing him for more than a week.

    I didn't say you did.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Kind of looks like what you where wanting to say.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Not really.

    Just adding to the conversation on talking about mental health with a partner, and what would be acceptable and unacceptable to me. (Having been on the opposite end twice).

    I don't think people experiencing a particularly bad patch emotionally are in the best place to start a relationship. Same goes if someone had a physical illness that had flared up which made it harder for them to cope with day to day life. These things can be managed together when you're already in a relationship, but it's a lot of extra strain to start a relationship at this point. But that's just my general opinion, it wasn't intended to be a personal criticism.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Better you told him when you did tbh, I think you did the right thing. If it were me, I'd want to know. Being brutally honest, I'd probably do the same as him, but then I've had a bad experience with someone close to me attempting suicide and I know 100% that I would not be able to handle having that kind of thing in my life. But that's just me, it doesn't make you a bad person and doesn't mean you should give up.
    You sound like you need someone in your life who could help you and come to terms with your issues, he doesn't sound like he could. At least he did the honest thing instead of stringing you along.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think Whowhere is right. Also, you need to be caring for you right now, and the emotional energy of a new relationship might not be right for either of you whilst you're not doing so well.

    But you're a superstar and this isn't "you'll be alone forever you suck" but more that maybe some space to try and learn to care for you is right at the moment.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Whowhere wrote: »
    Better you told him when you did tbh, I think you did the right thing. If it were me, I'd want to know. Being brutally honest, I'd probably do the same as him, but then I've had a bad experience with someone close to me attempting suicide and I know 100% that I would not be able to handle having that kind of thing in my life. But that's just me, it doesn't make you a bad person and doesn't mean you should give up.
    You sound like you need someone in your life who could help you and come to terms with your issues, he doesn't sound like he could. At least he did the honest thing instead of stringing you along.

    This is understandable.

    The guy I'm sort of seeing at the moment told me last year that he had been sectioned. He's not aware of my past or most of the medical issues I have. To my knowledge, he's stable; so I'm hoping it's not an issue.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I understand. Guess I'm just angry that anything that seems good and makes me just that bit happy is always taken away.

    Thank you lots for your replies though.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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