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Its dark and I can't see the light!!
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
The more i'm trying to stay strong the lesser its working.
I've no idea what i want now, I don't want to be left alone, I don't want to stay alone
But, I'm alone.
I would work in day and then come back to my room asap so, i could just snuggle inside the blanket and listen to all sorts of sad songs and cry because that makes me feel a little lighter and helps me sleep.
Its been two weeks or more and not a day has gone by when I've not cried
I was happy once. I used to escape my problems once and be happy
But, its not happening any more, I'm not able to escape.
I talk, I joke , have vain attempts at expressing but, none of its meaningful because I'm not sharing my problems are still there.
I can't/won't share because i've promises to keep but, its killing me inside
I'm suffocating.
I always say i don't want to die, not today but, why?
I should just ...........and i still have tears in my eyes
I know i have you guys, but, I need more. I should stop needing
I should stop being needy and stop talking
I've so many people to thank and apologise, people who've been there for me
wavy, starry, bre, wayne, helen, ellie, cutey and so many more people.
I just don't know how to thank and apologise but you're all so awesome
i wish you were there in real right now so, i could just put my head on your lap and cry
and cry because that might help maybe.
I've only once tried to ...... and I don't want to again but, I can't go on like this.
Maybe I've lost it, I've gone crazy.....
I want to start again, start life again........
I just want .... a day when I don't cry....I don't want to cry no more...
I've no idea what i want now, I don't want to be left alone, I don't want to stay alone
But, I'm alone.
I would work in day and then come back to my room asap so, i could just snuggle inside the blanket and listen to all sorts of sad songs and cry because that makes me feel a little lighter and helps me sleep.
Its been two weeks or more and not a day has gone by when I've not cried
I was happy once. I used to escape my problems once and be happy
But, its not happening any more, I'm not able to escape.
I talk, I joke , have vain attempts at expressing but, none of its meaningful because I'm not sharing my problems are still there.
I can't/won't share because i've promises to keep but, its killing me inside
I'm suffocating.
I always say i don't want to die, not today but, why?
I should just ...........and i still have tears in my eyes
I know i have you guys, but, I need more. I should stop needing
I should stop being needy and stop talking
I've so many people to thank and apologise, people who've been there for me
wavy, starry, bre, wayne, helen, ellie, cutey and so many more people.
I just don't know how to thank and apologise but you're all so awesome
i wish you were there in real right now so, i could just put my head on your lap and cry
and cry because that might help maybe.
I've only once tried to ...... and I don't want to again but, I can't go on like this.
Maybe I've lost it, I've gone crazy.....
I want to start again, start life again........
I just want .... a day when I don't cry....I don't want to cry no more...
0
Comments
I'm madi. I'm quite new. Anyway, I get what it's like to feel like that. I'm so sorry your going through it. I'm here if you need to talk. How are you at the moment? Maybe try distracting yourself.
Madi x
I'm madi. I'm quite new. Anyway, I get what it's like to feel like that. I'm so sorry your going through it. I'm here if you need to talk. How are you at the moment? Maybe try distracting yourself. Like watching tv, or maybe going out with friends.
Madi x
Thank you Madison, its really kind of you to reply. I thought no one would reply, but, you did. I was feeling very low indeed and planning to do something stupid when I logged in and saw your reply.
Tbh! Your reply just made me realize that there're some people who won't judge you and will ask how are you, if you're okay?
I kept myself distracted with work a little and now I'll be going home soon so, probably it'll feel better.
Thanks again.
xx sam
I'm so sorry I didn't reply sooner! I don't know why no one replied tbh. I'm in a really bad place too, but I'm not gonna go into that now as its too long. Anyway, I get depressed as well, mostly due to my OCD, paranoia, delusions blah
Do you have anyone to talk to when you feel like this? It sounds like you have moderate or sever depression. Are you seeing anyone about it? Like a counseller? It also sounds like your feeling suicidal, again, this is something I'm going through as well.
Madi x
Its okay, the fact that you replied and re replied means a lot. Thank you again. I wish I could help and support you too, but, I don't know if I'll be any good at it. I'm here if you want to talk or share.
I have my one of my guy friends visiting in london, who's putting up in hotel because I'm not there, I've been talking to him and texting him, he's great great support. He's doing his best to make me laugh and distract me. But, he's going to be there only for a while, I'm scared what will happen when he goes back plus, there are lots of issues I've not discussed with him either. He doesn't know it all so, of what he knows he's trying to keep me happy and tell me that he's there.
I maybe having depression, you're right, I was seeking counseling last year but, that didn't help.
Though its been made clear in counseling and after studying my "case" my counselor suggested I've severe abandonment issues, resulting from my past.
Maybe that's what's happening right now. I don't know how it feels to be feel suicidal because I've only tried to do that once and it was not even planned but, I did promise myself that no matter how bad it gets I won't again and I'll fight it.
Frankly, fighting it is not an issue but, fighting alone is,if you know you've someone when you fight tough times, depression, someone who cares of waits for you or is there, its easier. Probably that's why I feel more depressed.
Thank you again.
xx sam
You're right, I posted in haste on anything goes. I assume the moderators will see and move. Thank you.
Sent from my KFTT using Tapatalk 2
Thank you Ellie for your reply. I've seek counseling before but, it got too much for me, maybe I'll give it a try again once I come back home.
Please take care and thinking of you for tomorrow. Remember we're all here for you and we care, feel free to PM anytime if you want.
xx sam
That's great, do you mean your worried your gonna feel worse after he's gone?
He sounds like a good friends though, do you think you might be able to tell him a bit more? I know it can be quite hard to be of much help if they don't know a lot about what your experiancing.
Do you not have anyone to talk to now? Maybe....talk to family and friends so they can support you more, you've mentioned yo
U have a few abandonment issues, I'm guessing this is to do with your family, if you live alone, it can make the depression worse i think, than if you were living with people who love you and are there for you.
Yeah I totally get what you mean, fighting it alone is really the worst but having someone fit it with you makes it a lot better coz you know your not the only one.
Madi x
Hey Madi,
You'll definitely find lot of help and support here, thesite is the right place to come to. Have you thought about counseling?
Yes, my best friend's going to be there for a week more, I would've reached London sooner but, this deal had to be done, anyhow I'm going home tomorrow.
There's no one I can talk to here in Capetown but, I've thesite and once I reach London I'm just going to put my head on my mom's lap and cry and feel better, I know, I'm all that sentimental kinds.
I don't have friends anymore, talking to my guy friend may help but, he's there only for short while I don't know if I want to burden him with my problems anymore.
Thank you for all your support Madi and I'm here for you too whenever you wanna talk or share.
xx sam
Hi Sam
I have a school counseller, but I only see her for half an hour each week so it doesn't help an awful lot. And she's not a phychiatrist. So when I tell her about my ocd she just tells me to talk back to it...
Aw that's good I guess did you have a good time with your friend? Aw I think it's good being sentimental, it means you can express your emotions and peel can know how your feeling, yeah a good cry usually works.
Aw I know how you feel, I feel really lonely sometimes coz I don't really have many friends either, my so called friends ditch me and never meet me in the canteen at lunch no more, so I'm not sure if I can even call them 'friends' tbh. It must be pretty hard that your friend lives so far from you though.
Aw thank you! Madi x
Hey Madi,
Its nice to know that your school counselor is being supportive. Have you thought of seeking counseling from a psychiatrist there are many ways to deal with OCD, psychotherapy, mindfulness, hypnotherapy but, then its different for each person and a professional can help you.
I still haven't met my friend, he's in London and I'm in Capetown (SA) will meet him once I come back home that's in couple of days.
You've new friends here Madi don't feel lonely, know that we're here for you.
Take care.
xx sam
Hi sam
Yeah she is very nice, just not a phychiatrist who knows a lot about OCD and paranoid thoughts, and I've had OCD for 4 years now, it's been unbearable for 2 years.
I used to go to camhs for CBT, but they discharged me when I really needed them, they discharged me last November, and since then it's gotten worse to the point where I'm contemplating suicide as its feel like the only choice I actually have. But I don't think I'd have the courage to actually do it
That's nice, I'm glad he can make you feel better, do you feel less depressed spending time with him?
Quick question, have you told your family about how your feeling as they could help?
Aw thank you
Madi
Hey Madi,
Can you talk to Camhs again regarding your mental health? Don't think negative, I know its hard but, things will become better eventually. And, you do have choice, you do, you found thesite, you've now loads of amazing mods, users to help and support you. So, don't think you're alone, we're all here for you.
He's my best buddy, he can make me laugh through strangest of times and I feel awesome with him always.
I've not told my family about how I feel, its a long story.
xx sam