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Essential support for under 25s
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I really would chat to your HV, if you have a decent one. Even if you decide not to take it any further, it can be useful to go through it with them.
I just feel like I'm going crazy. A lot. I know how lucky I am. Baxter is healthy and a pretty content little baby boy. But it doesn't help that my pnd coincides with his teething.
I just want someone to tell me things are going to get better. That I'm not going to be sectioned because I feel too weak to look after him sometimes. I'm not sitting on my arse. I have things in motion but I just wanted to talk.
I think I know you well enough to say that you will get through it, because you're a strong person.
So yes, things are going to get better. You won't be sectioned because you're taking care of yourself and you're the best mum Baxter could have. Anyone can see that. *hug*
I will get better. You're doing a brilliant job. And it is a slog.
I don't think there's a mother on this planet who wouldn't read this and nod in understanding. Feeling like this on a daily basis pretty much comes with the territory in a baby's first year. I hope that doesn't sound dismissive of how you're feeling - I think it's great that you're talking to the GP to get a second opinion (many women have these fears of PND and don't) - but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way at all - and admitting to it makes you a better mum, definitely not a worse one.
Let us know how you get on at the doctor's
Somewhere between 1 in 10 and 1 in 5, in the general population get PND, but you were at increased risk, as was I, due to a history of mental health problems. Not alone. Not even nearly.
Access the help, be honest, speak up when you need more support. You won't be sectioned, it will be a priority to keep you independently caring for your baby.
As Spanner says, there is some degree of normal in feeling a little bit like you've lost your marbles, so don't be expecting to be turned into Mary Poppins. But you don't need to feel like you're feeling. There's no shame in admitting you need a bit of help and it has no bearing on your abilities as a parent. It's a biological quirk and nothing more.
I got really lucky with my GP. I think she was new there. But she understood and seemed to know exactly what to do. She's referred me to the mental health team again (as the HV tried to do before) as a matter of urgency. The team rang today to say they have received the letter and will go through it on Monday and give me a ring back basically to tell me if I'm eligible for an assessment. Bit weird but hey ho.
I'm seeing my GP again next Thursday to talk about how things are progressing with the Mental Health team and if I don't feel it is she mentioned having a social worker or some sort of support/care package in place for me so I can have respite. I'm really keen on this idea of having support and didn't even realise this was possible. But we'll see what happens. She doesn't want to prescribe me ad's because I'm breastfeeding.
My HV is pretty good too and came to check on me today. She said she has no welfare concerns with Baxter at all because he's obviously thriving. It made me feel better because I know I'm a good mum but it made me feel better to just have someone say 'well done'. Fingers crossed things are in motion now. My HV also said to ring the office even if I'm in tears because they are perfectly okay with that. My GP said if I felt like self harming that I'm to go to the surgery and I'll be seen by her or another dr. Or to ring 999 which seemed a bit much really..?
I was asked the usual question of whether I ever felt like harming my baby but I said no when I felt angry with him I turned it on myself and thought about self harming. But I said I was confused and frightened at how sudden it can be, if something goes wrong it's like the thought just floats into my head casually of 'Oh.. this has happened.. I should kill myself'. It's really odd.
Sorry for a rambly post when it was supposed to be a to the point update but I'm in a rambly mood. On the plus side yesterday and today have been okay
I had a really bad night last night where I ended up walking out on Baxter and Josh. I just walked to the next town and sat at a bus stop for a while and came home. In retrospect this was okay because I needed space but the thing is I stormed out without saying anything and when I got back Josh was getting Baxter ready in the buggy to come looking for me and this was at 10pm. It really wasn't fair on either of them. I should have said but at the time I didn't think 'I need space. I'll go for a walk'. I just wanted to escape and had various stupid thoughts like walking to a and e and asking them to take me in, sleeping in a park, sleeping on a golf course, walking in front of a car, lying on the pavement until someone noticed me and called the police.
I also stormed out after I SH'd. It was very minor and I didn't want to badly hurt myself. I just needed the release because B was crying. (Josh was with him so I wasn't leaving him alone). When I got back Josh was lovely and concerned about me as usual. Baxter had been crying whilst I was gone but settled when I got back. I felt horrible and like an undeserving mum. All these parents with very sick babies and I'm going off the rails and I'm lucky because Baxter is healthy, beautiful and content. I just feel like I don't deserve him or Josh.
Today I feel pretty much fine. Last night feels like a bad dream.
You're doing a fab job with Baxter. No one is perfect, and you needed space, you dealt with it fine. You maybe worried Josh a bit, but if happens again you'll know to tell him first and will all be fine. Parenting is all about learning from minor mistakes.
courtesy of Ms V. Wood.
it went okay, she's going to refer me to the crisis team I think because of the self harm. I did it again at my mum's house during a bad night but haven't told anyone. Josh seemed in a good mood last night and didn't see the point in telling him.
my mum is complaining about the mental health team and their weird phone screening process as well as leaving me with no answer for 18 days. she's in commissioning, i'm quite lucky, so we are hoping that speeds things up because she's been in touch with the commissioner for the mental health team to make an official complaint.
not feeling great today as my friend has flaked out again for tomorrow. I had my heart set on that for getting me through the day.
It's the weekend tomorrow right?
Sun shining?
Is there a park nearby? How about something completely decadent, like putting Baxter in the pram - getting a Boots meal deal and having a picnic in the park. Outside, fresh air, there'll be people around, and open space so if he does scream it doesn't matter.
I can't even tell you how much it helps when you're having a bad day to be able to text someone who gets it and say 'let's go to the park/soft play/local cafe before I leave the kids on someone's doorstep'. It takes a village to raise a child and all that!
Kaff I have my old antenatal group who are really lovely, genuine, tell it like it is 'no bullshit' kinda people which is great and we email back and forth. I haven't been going to any of the meet ups recently because my mums partner has been coming over on the day they meet up to help me out incase I have a wobbly. (which in turn happens to be a long work day for Josh so I am alone a lot). I have a friend very local and she's lovely but she's one of those smitten mums whose baby can do no wrong and seems ridiculously easy to take care of. mehh
edited to add: apparently im being given a care manager and being assessed at some point soon
my health visitor has no concerns about b whatsoever and keeps telling me what a good mum I am. he's content and it shows and thankfully I know enough to be sure that a social worker wont turn up on the door step and take him away but im still scared of opening a can of worms.
my friend thinks it's healthy just to accept how im feeling and let myself have a meltdown but he doesn't get that I really cant. not now im a mum.
and SM- thanks. I have been trying to treat myself lately and go to the bakery now for lunch a few times a week because B is usually asleep in his buggy and I can eat without feeling stressed and like I have to rush
Like others have suggested I think you should definitely meet up with other mums with babies of a similar age. As Scary said, I'm sure your mums partner would be okay with you going to meet up with your old antenatal group and maybe coming over later in the day
Let us know how it goes with your GP today, and try and remember what an amazing job you are doing with bringing up Baxter! I look after a baby for a few hours in the day sometimes and it is hard work, and very stressful, so I really admire you for being able to do it full time!
I honestly thought my GP understood and was sympathetic. Just got back- she asked about my self harm and wanted to see so I showed her. Then she asked how things were going with Baxter and I told her that he isn't sleeping great and cries a lot in the evening.
She then asked if he arched his back or anything and I said no I'm pretty sure he just gets overtired but hasn't figured out he should just sleep. She said shed take a look at his tummy to see if there were any issues there with stopping him sleep. She listened to his heart.. fine okay.
Then looked at his legs, his arms and his back.
What would you think?? am I being a bit too sensitive?
She then said social services had sent her the wrong form (she was going to try and see about a care package) and that they had sent her the child protection form but this wasn't a child protection issue.
To me it seemed obvious that she was checking him for bruises, cuts. Just because I harmed myself definitely does not mean that I am going to harm Baxter
Am I being silly? I'm thinking about asking the GP next Friday what she was actually doing looking at his arms, legs, back when she said that she was checking his tummy for any rumblings that would disturb his sleep.
I would try not to take it personally. She clearly said there is no child protection issue.