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Things to do on a long evening alone.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
in General Chat
I am at home alone, I have nothing to do, nowhere to go, and no friends to hang out with. I have had my fill if TV and Web surfing for the day and do not read. I'm pretty organised so tidying and household chores are out too.
I feel pretty down on nights like this so would be grateful for any suggestions.
I feel pretty down on nights like this so would be grateful for any suggestions.
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Try reading (it's great.)
Get an early night.
Call someone you love.
Go for a run/walk/cycle.
Make a plan for tomorrow? You could plan to go to the shops for some food to cook a nice sunday dinner? Maybe check out some recipes online and plan what you might make?
Have a wank
In that order...
So what's why i can't cook/sew/do origami
Craft - knitting, sewing. I find making things very satisfying.
Painting and collage.
Bake something.
Cook a nice dinner for myself - freeze the extra portions. Wash up after.
Clean my flat. Laundry. Catch up on chores.
Online shopping. Grocery's or more fun stuff.
Write a list of things I need to get done next day.
Chat to people on the phone. Chat to people on facebook. Invite a friend over for a cup of tea. Visit my neighbour. Email people I haven't seen for a while.
Watch a DVD / programme.
Plan a trip away somewhere - not too far from home.
Read.
Play with my cat.
Message ex's at 4am
It's not just above. In the different threads you've posted on this subject you've behaved in similar ways
I'm not saying that they're all hasty, or unreasonable. But you've asked for help on this a lot, and in chat as well, and it seems every time a user suggests something you've "already done it and it didn't work" or "you can't because..."
You want help, we want to help you, but I'm not sure anymore what we can do. Maybe there is something more fundamental you need to address that's self-obstructing. Do you think that's possible?
I attend Psychotherapy sessions fortnightly and discuss my conversations in here. I am working on myself. I think a lot of people would be offended by your response.
Cool to see you still posting, how did the run go on Sunday? Did you enjoy it? What were the people like?
I can totally see that there's a distinct time on weekend evenings where you feel more lonely than usual, and that's really hard. I imagine you might sometimes feel a sense of panic as the evening is drawing in and the more you're aware that you're on your own, the harder it feels to be calm and identify something positive to do with your time.
Sunday was a great example of forward planning - so if you do have an evening that's free, where there is activity the next day, it might help you to spend the night before making sure you are in a good way for that day - having a nice bath perhaps, making sure you've had a decent amount of sleep (it was pretty late when you were posting on Saturday) and thinking about how you'll engage with the people you meet (e.g. conversation starters such as news stories, or just questions you'll ask them to get to know them better)
Also, you can use these boards as a way to enjoy time rather than just ask for help - e.g. responding to topic based posts (e.g politics and debate) joining in with film club - that kind of thing. It's another form of socialising that's just as valid.
As for solutions, the only real solution is the hardest one to achieve: you have to be happy in your own skin. If you're comfortable in your own skin, comfortable being by yourself, then opportunities present themselves. And even if they don't on a specific day, you're still doing what you want to do and enjoying it. The 10k run is an excellent example of that; you did it for yourself and met people as a result.
I do kind of agree.
The frustration I think is people want easy answers. They want to go on the forums, find a problem, "oh that's easy I know how to solve this" and post the answer. When that doesn't work, it's the path of least resistance to follow up with 'you gave up too easily'.
That certainly works for me when I give advice on a tech forum I'm on, and I enjoy helping people which is why I do it. The problem is it doesn't translate over as well to the murky and complicated problems people have.
You have to remember that the people on the boards aren't experts per se, and the advice they give probably won't work in all situations.
I do think arctic may have hit the nail on the head though. I think as a goal you can achieve - enjoying your own company more is probably the main one to go after. I don't say this lightly: I have been trying myself for a long time to make friends and have had the same frustrations you have.
I think it's difficult for people not in that situation to understand "you went on meetup.com and didn't find friends??" because logically that advice makes sense.
Meetup.com in my area for the record is almost exclusively over 50 year olds. I joined a group for younger people but there were two members besides myself and we dissolved before the first meet.
I'd keep up with the counselling but in the meantime have you considered meditation? Not religious mumbo jumbo but look it up; studies indicate when older people suffering from loneliness and isolation undertook it, they found it improved their outlook. I've tried it myself and it helped. Something to look into :-)
The people from karate were the same as usual and looking to get a good time. They posted many a photo on Facebook, I've set one as my Facebook profile picture. We booked on for it way back in January. I'm not a serious runner, I just enter the odd fun run as a motivator to keep fit. I had a large carver dinner afterwards and we chatted over the days events.
There is a very definite feeling of panic as the long evenings draw in and a feeling that valuable time is slipping away.
I appreciate the need to be open minded and willing to try things. I believe I have made more of an effort than some people assume. I am disappointed that Fiend has chosen not to answer my follow up question above, Arctic you can have a go if you like as you both seem to be singing from the same hymn sheet.
Shyboy, I think you've addressed both sides of the argument without being over critical, or pretending that I have no work to do. Your a smart guy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have a feeling you aren't all the comfortable in your own company? Because I found tht once I learnt o relax and just chill on my own I could actually get a lot more out of my lone time.
It's fine if you don't want to go to a book club, but you need to think about what you want to do. The only advice I can really give is find something you like and stick at it.
I think you give up too easily. I can understand why, but there isn't anything else we can advise to help you with that.
The way I read both Fiend's and Artic's posts, their tone is neither nasty, nor having a go, but they have pointed out some of the harsher realities of the answers to these questions. They have both said that they appreciate how you feel, and aren't being over-critical in any way. They could have been a lot nastier in what they've said. Perhaps you are sensitive to what they're suggesting?
Just thought I'd come back to add to this.
Meetup in Newcastle was largely 40+, usually divorced women with teenaged children who were a bit lonely after years of motherhood and a nasty marriage breakdown. But that is an issue if you make it an issue.
Regardless of whether a group is full of slightly lonely divorcees or whether it's full of exciting twentysomething hipsters, the same principles apply. If you initially head out thinking it'll be nice to have a meal and a glass of wine with some new people then you'll be fine; you'll be out of the house, you'll be having a nice dinner, you'll be having a natter. If you head out expecting to meet your new bestest friend, and invest emotionally in that, then you're going to be very disappointed.
The simple truth is that you're not going to make great friends after one or two events. It doesn't work like that. I feel that Tom goes out dreaming of meeting new best friends and then doesn't go back when reality doesn't match the dream. I totally understand that, I really do, but the issue here is one of expectations. Tom frequently says he tried something once and didn't like it; what he really means is he didn't make a group of amazing new friends in the first hour. I totally empathise with that but it is a case of having reasonable expectations and not giving up after one event.
I don't really think that part of it is something we can advise him on.
I don't understand this.
I didn't commit to the book club because I did not enjoy reading.
Volunteering: I did a 2 yr project, and two 6 month ones. I gave the dating sites 3 years. I gave the social activities group 4 years, I gave the drama group 6 months. I did another 6 months on OCR ITQ training. I have done karate for about 19yrs. I found it hard to swallow that you say I just ditch everything immediately if it doesn't work.
I'm not wrong to pitch for ideas when I cannot think of any more. I do need to feel more comfortable in my own company 'agreed'. I definitely do not expect instant friends.
This is actually only the second time I've suggested moving away, perhaps you're confusing me with somebody else, because let's face it, if you've done everything, it's what's going to be said.
Right now, your options seem to be, try something again, move away, or be as you are.
You reel off activities as though that's enough. It isn't. If you go and sit in the corner and never talk to anyone you're not going to meet anyone. If you're as prickly and defensive in real life as you are here then that is actively offputting. No doubt you'll whinge again about how terribly mean I am. I'm not being. If nothing works you need to work out why; the issue is within your control.
As an aside, I'm amazed by anyone who says they don't like reading. I genuinely don't get it.
We can't solve every problem, sometimes life just sucks. We live in an increasingly disconnected and isolating world, it's no wonder that problems with loneliness are on the rise.
I speak as someone who has been in the same situation as tom. The only reason I'm not now is because I got a girlfriend which isn't an ideal solution: my whole social life is her! If she leaves me I'll be at square one.
I think you are both not appreciating Tom's perspective and rather thinking of this as a problem that can be solved with the top 5 answers from the first Google link on 'how to make friends', and that if Tom doesn't agree with that wisdom it's not that his problem is complex (his problem that he knows better than anyone) but that he isn't following the wisdom. As he has said he has tried a lot of these avenues for years to no avail, I think ignoring that is not helpful.
To tom as I said my only advice isn't the best. The only thing that helped me was learning to be ok with being alone more. Maybe I will not have many friends for the rest of my life. Dealing with that is something I'm still learning to do. But learning how to be content with isolation is better than despairing, especially when it's difficult to fix the problem. It's not like say, losing weight where you just need to stick to a diet or routine - it's random dice rolls of opportunities as to whether you will get on with people and there's no magic bullet. You need to still pursue opportunities which I see you're doing, you need to still look to see if there are any problems personable wise that are holding you back but I think most of all nobody has a solution because it's like 'how do I get a girlfriend' - it can't be manufactured or fixed it's just rolling the dice every day.