I'm controlling

Former Member

Okay so, in relationships I can be really controlling and I don't know how to stop it. It's not with every relationship... I'm either with someone controlling or I am the controlling one.

If I'm with someone controlling he'll walk all over me, read my texts, hurt me, cheat on me, make me do as he says, not let me have friends etc. etc. and I have to admit... I like it. Like probably isn't the right word, but I'm comfortable with it I suppose, I deal with it.

But if I'm with someone who isn't like that... I become like that. I've slapped people, I wont let them see they're friends, I get insanely jealous if they speak to another girl and need to know where they are 24/7. I go through texts, get facebook passwords, and am just generally un-trusting and suspicious of everything they do.

I really don't know what to do. I honestly try so hard to stop it, but if they don't control me then I just become the girlfriend from hell. It pushes people away from me so badly, and I end up broken and hurt every time... please help me guys... :crying:

Annaarrr!!

Does any of this come from a mental illness? Because managing paranoia/anxiety/anger that stems from a mental illness can really help with you controlling yourself. Also do you let the people who aren't controlling have the opportunity to show you they can be trusted? Or do you just treat them like you can't from the start? You might feel a lot better if you actually let them show you they can be trusted, another reason why getting to know the person really well before you enter a relationship with them is better

As for being controlled, I think being with someone controlling really rubs off on you, it made me so paranoid and stuff. Just stay away from them. Don't even think about letting it carry on because I can absolutely promise you being with controlling people won't help you with try to lessen your own controlling behaviour.

I'm no expert just seen the controlling sides of both myself and my whatever the fuck he is now. Keep posting darling here if you need a chat

**helen**

Hey B-A :wave:

Sometimes we confuse what we think is important or matters in a relationship with what we really need or are looking for...

Deep down you might be thinking: "What do I need to be able to feel loved?" And on the surface it transpires to: "someone who cares about me so much that they want to control my every move to keep me for themselves."

Or you might also be thinking:

"Do I deserve to feel loved?" And if you have doubts about this your tendency might be to try and prove that you don't through the jealous behaviour you've also described. It's like a form of self-destruction.

Does any of this ring true for you?

What might help is to think about what you imagine are alternative ways to feel loved and appreciated by someone you really like? And how can you think more highly of yourself to be able to stop yourself questioning why a guy would choose to be with you rather than someone else?

In terms of the first question - I'm gonna put it out there to the masses:

What do those of you who feel you've been in (or are in) good relationships helps you to feel loved?

What do you feel is a good measure of your self-worth?

B-A - if you feel you might have some answers to these already, you might find it helps to reflect on them at this point in order to get your head straight a bit...

It sounds like you're starting to feel destined towards negative experience, but the fact you're asking for help at this stage and have this insight into your behaviour is actually amazing. In time you'll start to feel better about yourself and your behaviour - this is a great starting point for it.

Former Member

Thank you both for your replies

Annaarrr, I think it probably is mental health related. I have really bad trust problems, I just don't believe anything or take anything at face value because when you put your trust in people/things that's when it goes wrong. I try so hard to not let it show, and to let it bother me... but if for instance a boyfriend was like "Oh I'm going to a party tomorrow" I'd probably break down in tears. I recently started speaking to my ex again... and even though I've been with people since we split up, and he knows that, when he told me that a girl tossed him off I honestly had a massive meltdown.

It's stupid, because we weren't even together and I've been with other people too... but it just crushed me and I felt so jealous.

Helen, I think that if I have a good relationship I do spend the whole time thinking "I don't deserve this, something will go wrong" and that's probably why I become so untrusting and controlling, to try and keep them close to me if that makes sense? And then when a good relationship goes wrong I'll just go out and find anyone, and they normally turn out to be abusive and horrible but I suppose that is what I deserve.

**helen**

Broken-Angel wrote: »

I try so hard to not let it show, and to let it bother me... but if for instance a boyfriend was like "Oh I'm going to a party tomorrow" I'd probably break down in tears. I recently started speaking to my ex again... and even though I've been with people since we split up, and he knows that, when he told me that a girl tossed him off I honestly had a massive meltdown.

It's stupid, because we weren't even together and I've been with other people too... but it just crushed me and I felt so jealous.

That's probably the reaction your ex was trying to provoke, we find it scarily easy to manipulate feelings of others when we know them well enough to press their buttons - right? You don't have to feel that way though - and by that I mean you can change the way you respond to this kind of information by trying to see it for what it really is. A guy that you no longer want to be with had a meaningless sexual encounter with a girl he is displaying little respect for. And what makes me interpret it that way? Because he saw fit to brag to you about it in an immature way. Why tell an ex that you randomly got jiggy with a girl unless it's with the aim of making you feel lousy about it? If there were genuine feelings for this girl, these intimate details would be their business and not for public consumption. So my question is...

By getting inside the situation you can ask yourself - what really is there to feel jealous about? A positive way to respond is to consider - "Thank goodness he's not talking about me. I'm not the one who's intimate moments with him are being talked about in this way because I deserve better than that."

Broken-Angel wrote: »

Helen, I think that if I have a good relationship I do spend the whole time thinking "I don't deserve this, something will go wrong" and that's probably why I become so untrusting and controlling, to try and keep them close to me if that makes sense? And then when a good relationship goes wrong I'll just go out and find anyone, and they normally turn out to be abusive and horrible but I suppose that is what I deserve.

Yes, what you're saying makes total sense. So, if we've established that becoming untrusting and controlling has the opposite effect of keeping someone close to you, then what are the alternatives, and what do they look like practically?

Can you think of any particular scenarios that have happened for you where your behaviour backfired? If you experience a similar scenario now, how would you respond?

Former Member

youve been through a great deal in your life already, plus dealing with mental health issues at the same time. This will be hard on relationships. There isnt an easy answer and it sounds like your protective mechanism is to push people away, and the only way they can make you feel secure is if theyre as abusive to you, as you would to them if given the chance, because thats all you know. Its a kind of chaos and adrenaline in an abusive relationship that can be addictive. You sound scared of not being the centre of their world, by either them concentrating all their efforts on you to abuse you, or to be the centre of their world by how much you hurt them.

Have you ever had a diagnosis of anything. BPD???

Former Member

Helen, I really don't know how to keep a good relationship going. If I'm nice to guys they walk all over me, and if I'm horrible and controlling then I lose them eventually. I can't find the balance.

I know people might be thinking that I'm young and shouldn't be worried about it... but I am really worried because it gets worse as I get older. I want to be able to have a happy relationship

There are a lot of situations where I say or do something, and then regret it straight after but by then it's too late. Especially things like, I'll tell them I hate them because of X Y Z, trying to hurt them and provoke a reaction and then they just never speak to me again... whereas normally I'm just trying to get them to hurt me back.

Suzy, no they've said to me they think I have ADHD or schizophrenia. I have PTSD, unstable moods, along with paranoia, psychotic thoughts etc. Next time I see my psych nurse she's going to read the report from school she asked them to do, and if that rules out ADHD then she's making me an appointment for me to see a psychosis specialist.

Former Member

Surely the biggest thing that everyone has missed here, is that if the two options of what happens when you're in relationship, are the only options.

Then surely you're just not fit/stable/ready for a relationship and should focus on fixing your problems first before getting involved with them.

Former Member

Shikari wrote: »

Surely the biggest thing that everyone has missed here, is that if the two options of what happens when you're in relationship, are the only options.

Then surely you're just not fit/stable/ready for a relationship and should focus on fixing your problems first before getting involved with them.

This. But I suppose it's hard to tell when your problems are sorted without trying out a relationship

Former Member

Shikari wrote: »

Then surely you're just not fit/stable/ready for a relationship and should focus on fixing your problems first before getting involved with them.

My problems will never be "fixed". I'm medicated, but there's no fixing me. Even CAMHS have said they don't see a point in giving me any form of therapy.

The one part of my life that can be "fixed" is how I react around other people, in friendships and relationships, and that's why I posted this thread. There is no "fixing" schizophrenia and a childhood full of abuse. They will never go away. But there is (I hope) a possibility to stop it interfering with my daily life like it does now.

Former Member

And to be fucking honest with you both, things are alright at the moment otherwise. I wanted some advice about how to change my behaviour, which is me trying to "fix" myself. Not that I thought I was broken, but obviously if I need "fixing" then I am.

Thank you to all the other posters though for your advice.

Former Member

Calm down there's no need to be so abrasive. 'Fix' was probably the wrong word to use but the point was to sort things out that are clearly bothering you before getting into a relationship and potentially hurt others. I don't see how that is unreasonable. And you didn't mention that things were ok, if you ask for advice regarding relationships and your behaviour then we're going to assume that it's causing problems.

Former Member

Things are okay other than with relationships. I have not mentioned any other problems in this thread. This thread is about relationships, which for me no matter how well the rest of my life is going, cause problems and are messy. Why would I need to mention other things are okay? This thread is not about other things. It is about my relationships.

Former Member

Sorry I thought you meant things in your relationship were ok, must have read it wrong. I wasn't referring to anything else

Former Member

The entire thread is about problems in relationships. I have no idea how you thought that but okay. And to point out, it isn't a specific relationship, it is every relationship I've ever had... which is why it's becoming a huge issue.

Former Member

You said 'things are alright at the moment otherwise' so I thought you was referring to your relationship.

Former Member

I meant things in my general life. I am not currently in a relationship.

Former Member

Sorry, just a case of misinterpretation.