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Moving On
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I know time will heal but is there any way of making it heal a bit quicker?
I thought I was moving on. Was out dating, having a good time, people finding me attractive. Baby steps but getting there. But rapidly coming to conclusion that I'm not.
There's someone who thinks I'm brilliant and, unless I'm very much mistaken, she's probably in love with me. The problem is that she's not my ex, so I don't want her. Which is a shame as the sex is great.
There's a friend who I've flirted with a fair bit and had plenty of flirting back. I was looking at moving from friendship to maybe having some benefits, nothing more serious, and when she decided not to I was a lot more hurt than I expected. She looks a fair bit like my ex. Some serious transference there I'd say.
I've accepted its over and that I'm pining over selective memories not reality. But I still love her. And I don't want to. If I didn't have to discuss our daughter I would never speak to her again. Nor her family- all smiles to my face and pushing to get me out of my house to realise capital behind my back.
I'm just so frustrated with myself. I have the emotional intelligence to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. But not enough to stop it. I don't want to love someone who has rejected me because it's getting in the way of moving on.
I suppose I'm relying on running away to London actually working.
I thought I was moving on. Was out dating, having a good time, people finding me attractive. Baby steps but getting there. But rapidly coming to conclusion that I'm not.
There's someone who thinks I'm brilliant and, unless I'm very much mistaken, she's probably in love with me. The problem is that she's not my ex, so I don't want her. Which is a shame as the sex is great.
There's a friend who I've flirted with a fair bit and had plenty of flirting back. I was looking at moving from friendship to maybe having some benefits, nothing more serious, and when she decided not to I was a lot more hurt than I expected. She looks a fair bit like my ex. Some serious transference there I'd say.
I've accepted its over and that I'm pining over selective memories not reality. But I still love her. And I don't want to. If I didn't have to discuss our daughter I would never speak to her again. Nor her family- all smiles to my face and pushing to get me out of my house to realise capital behind my back.
I'm just so frustrated with myself. I have the emotional intelligence to know what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. But not enough to stop it. I don't want to love someone who has rejected me because it's getting in the way of moving on.
I suppose I'm relying on running away to London actually working.
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Comments
In my experience, a major love in your life can only be replaced by another major love in your life. Dating and flings and FWB can't touch it.
I'm hoping the change of scenery will help, but really not sure. Suppose I'm committed to it now, at least for a while.
I know I'm wanting to rush things. I don't want to be feeling like this so I just want to hurry up and not feel like this. Very frustrating that it isn't happening, even though I know it will take a long time.
Don't think of it as running away, even if it is. Think of it as a new adventure that you are able to make because you have the freedom now. Let the rest work itself out.
They totally are. Omnomnom. Burgers, hotdogs, corn on the cob, prawns, ribs, steak, omnomnomnomnom.
Yeah, I know it hasn't. Guess I'm impatient to stop feeling like shit.
Noone else will ever be her, but one day someone will be even better.
Moving on is a different thing, and physically moving will be part of that. She will always be part of your life, though, because of SodBaby. It's a complicated set of circumstances and emotions to manage.
Be nice to yourself!
My mum has been married 3 times and been with her partner now 11 years and loves the very bones of him, yet she also loved my ex stepdad to pieces, and her 9 year relationship with my dad was passionate and loving before he turned violent. She doesnt love any of her exes anymore, even if she wishes them well, and my ex stepdad in particular who left *her* rather than the other way round, it took her a few years to get over him properly, although she was over the worst within a year or two.
You get over people. It can take time. There is no point being impatient because it wont work. Just make sure youre gentle with other girls hearts while you still hold a candle for your ex x
I don't know you personally AR but i've read some of your posts and i was kind of surprised to read this bit. If some randomer came on here and said "There's this girl, I'm having sex with her despite the fact I don't really want her, but i think she's in love with me" you'd probably tell him he's a **** who's using her and that he should cut her loose....I think? Correct me if I'm wrong
This is human nature. The heart wants what the heart wants whether we can have it or not. In fact not having it makes you want it more. Doesn't matter how emotionally intelligent you are, you can't help what you feel and you can't tell yourself not to feel it....the years ive wasted chasing after the wrong girls is testament to that :banghead:
I guess what i'm saying is that getting over someone/something is a mental process, not a physical one. Sure, getting out there and meeting new girls will probably help, but all the dating/sex in the world isn't going to stop you from thinking about somebody...is it?
Maybe focussing a bit more on healing yourself and not on getting into new relationships to replace the one you've lost is something worth thinking about?
Good luck :thumb:
When you work out how to get over it, share?
Depends. I've been honest from the word go that I don't want to commit, and the sex is good, so meh. Maybe I am being a bit of a twat.
Yeah, I suppose that's it. I've gone from being stable and settled in my house to, what? 30 and looking at moving into a houseshare 300 miles from my daughter because I can't bear to stay in the north east any longer.
Was talking with a friend today about finding hobbies and the depressing realisation is that I don't have the energy or inclination to really do anything.
When you finish with someone, more often than not both people are as lovely as when they got together, but theyve lost their bond. It doesnt make you bad or worthless. Its time for you to spend time on yourself and to eventually build that bond with someone who DOES appreciate you and the wonderful things you have to offer.
Dont define yourself by what she thought of the relationship
Yes, I can't follow my own advice.
I don't know enough about pills, and I'm certainly not a doctor, so this may be completely off the mark, but my line manager takes pills for anxiety that's caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, and those pills replace that chemical. It isn't something he can fix biologically, so he's accepted that he needs to take them if he wants to remain positive.
Why do you hate the pills?
I really need a cuddle
That is heartbreaking. I've got two little ones and I can't imagine how hard this must be for you. Having kids makes a painful break-up excruciating. But here comes the cliché... at least you have that amazing little person to hang on to. Yes, there may be some distance but you will always be her dad. Just try to keep that bond and, when you do start feeling better about your ex, you'll be able to be a happy dad to her again.
It'll all be brilliant happy families. I'll be an inconvenience. I'll be discarded. It's what happens.
Remind me what I'm supposed to be hanging on to?