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Not coping (triggering)
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
It's taken me a while to find the strength to write this thread.
Everything is such a mess at the moment, and the only person I have to talk to is my dad, and he's 200+ miles away.
My Nan's been told the cancer's terminal, which is probably the biggest thing effecting me at the moment. I'm not sure she'll even make it to Christmas, which is hurting me so much. My mum said that "the next couple of months are going to be difficult". Couple of months. That's too soon, and I'm not ready... she's only 60... she was so well before summer and now poof. It's all gone.
Then there's my Grandad on my dad's side who's refusing to have treatment on his tumour... as horrible as it sounds, I don't have time to worry about him. In my head, I feel like he's being really selfish, because he can have treatment, he can be fine, and he's choosing not to be. I know he's scared, I understand that but it's hurting me so much
And my therapist is making everything worse. She pushes me to talk about things I don't want to talk about, and I don't have the courage to tell her I'm not ready. I
desperately want to be in hospital, I told her yesterday that I'm trying to kill myself everyday, and all she said was that I made her worried. Fuck off. She's offered me no extra appointments, nothing, I've just been left to be allowed to do it. Part of me thinks she doesn't believe me, because I wouldn't show her the burns etc. but I don't want to show her. She has no right to see.
I know today I'm going to do something. I can feel it already. I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of what I can do, and what I can't control.
I need more help than what I'm getting. I need to see the crisis team again, I need my medication upped because it's not working at all, I need a new fucking therapist who can actually do her job without leaving me feel crushed and worthless.
I need hospital, but they wont let me in until I actually go there after overdosing or something. Surely telling them I want to die should be enough? Obviously not. Obviously they need evidence. But that evidence is on my body and I'm not prepared to show them :crying: What do I do?
Everything is such a mess at the moment, and the only person I have to talk to is my dad, and he's 200+ miles away.
My Nan's been told the cancer's terminal, which is probably the biggest thing effecting me at the moment. I'm not sure she'll even make it to Christmas, which is hurting me so much. My mum said that "the next couple of months are going to be difficult". Couple of months. That's too soon, and I'm not ready... she's only 60... she was so well before summer and now poof. It's all gone.
Then there's my Grandad on my dad's side who's refusing to have treatment on his tumour... as horrible as it sounds, I don't have time to worry about him. In my head, I feel like he's being really selfish, because he can have treatment, he can be fine, and he's choosing not to be. I know he's scared, I understand that but it's hurting me so much
And my therapist is making everything worse. She pushes me to talk about things I don't want to talk about, and I don't have the courage to tell her I'm not ready. I
desperately want to be in hospital, I told her yesterday that I'm trying to kill myself everyday, and all she said was that I made her worried. Fuck off. She's offered me no extra appointments, nothing, I've just been left to be allowed to do it. Part of me thinks she doesn't believe me, because I wouldn't show her the burns etc. but I don't want to show her. She has no right to see.
I know today I'm going to do something. I can feel it already. I'm scared of myself, I'm scared of what I can do, and what I can't control.
I need more help than what I'm getting. I need to see the crisis team again, I need my medication upped because it's not working at all, I need a new fucking therapist who can actually do her job without leaving me feel crushed and worthless.
I need hospital, but they wont let me in until I actually go there after overdosing or something. Surely telling them I want to die should be enough? Obviously not. Obviously they need evidence. But that evidence is on my body and I'm not prepared to show them :crying: What do I do?
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Comments
Cancer is a really realy horrible thing to deal with, it happens to those who are so undeserving of it (not that anyone does deserve it but you know what I mean) and it destroys lifes, it's horrible and i'd take it away if I could. The thing is you have to understand that you can't change these things and although they are disgustingly horrible you have to accept that. I know you can do nothing but dwell on it but it's helping no one. That isn't to say stopping thinking about it will solve all of your problems but spend as much time with her as you can and get the most out of it.
"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference."
As for your mental heath, sometimes therapists don't understand the full extent because of the way you come off in sessions and such like, have you told her you want to be on a ward? Do remember you CAN go to a hospital without overdosing or what ever and say that you aren't safe. They are entitled to keep you in if you are a danger to yourself or those around you. What you want is important. Instead of doing something today how about taking what you've got to do it with to the hospital, go up to the desk and say 'look, I need to be kept in or I WILL do something.' and see what they say. You'll deffinately get a meeting with a nurse if nothing else where you can sort out your medication dose and whatever else you want to talk about.
You know it can get better because it has in the past, it comes back again but still - it does get better for atleast a short time and that's what you have to live for.
I love you, please stay here - don't know what i'd do without you!
As for mental health, still feel like shit. Tai is supposed to be coming over today which will help, but who know's if he'll actually turn up. I texted my psych nurse, and I'm seeing her next Thursday. I've got therapy on Monday but I don't think I'm going to go, not unless Tai or someone can come with me. I know I've been referred to the crisis team but they haven't been in touch. Maybe I'm not in crisis enough for them.
How is that not co-operating?
There's no magic wand solution.
As a health professional she shouldn't have done that. And you are trying, that's more than most are able to do. But you have to keep at it, even when it's hard. That's how you get through the other side, by pushing your way through. You'll be stronger for it.
How is your Nan now?
xx
am i right in thinking that you've only seen the psychologist a few times so far, or are you taking about therapy with someone else? if you are supposed to be being helped with overcoming trauma then according to the official guidelines it is necessary to go over it in detail in the early stages of therapy. if the psychologist is still new to your case then she will need to know exactly what happened and although that is really painful for you, it's important for her so that she knows exactly what she is working with. you need to deal with the experience you have had because it obviously still has a big impact on your daily life. i would suggest that you keep going to the sessions, but talk to the psychologist about making a plan together for what you can do when you go home afterwards if you are feeling very distressed.
it really is true when people say that it has to get worse before it gets better. therapy can be really hard work and it can have a negative effect at the time, but in the long run it helps you to overcome the problems that are making you so unhappy. if you went into hospital you would be kept in until the medics declared you safe to leave (anything from hours to years) and afterwards you'd be in the same situation as before. you need to face it all head on.
Omg hi, I completely understand what you're saying, but I don't feel ready for therapy, I don't feel ready to talk about it all. At the moment I want to focus on what's happening now, and getting myself through the next couple of months. And as selfish as it sounds, I don't think she's the right therapist for me anyway, I don't feel comfortable talking to her... and I know I should just deal with what I get given and stop moaning, but I don't like her... And that's not me being fussy about all mental health professionals, I really like my psych nurse and the two people in the crisis team who come and see me (thankfully they're going to be the same this time as they were a few months ago).
I'm going up to London to meet up with a friend tomorrow, and I think that'll help. I've been visiting my nan every day, and it's so difficult. I love her to pieces and it hurts so much to see her how she is. Without sounding horrible, I just need a bit of space for a day.
She's going into a care home soon I think. My grandad is trying to keep her at home as long as possible, but it's getting really difficult.
I want to be in hospital so I can not kill myself. Therapy sessions leave me wanting to kill myself, because I am not ready to discuss the things that happened... please bare in mind some of it only ended a couple of years ago. It's still raw. I still see him around town, with his family. I'm not ready to go there.
Remember that mental health services are there for you, you shouldn't feel bad for thinking that one particular nurse isn't good for you, if it's not right for you then you are able to move on from her and you shouldn't feel bad about it. Mental health services are about what you want, just remember that.
*hug*
that's really understandable chick but the problem is that you can't rely on the crisis team in the long term, you know that. it sounds like the cpn referred you to psychology because the issues you have are beyond what she/he are trained to work with. you could ask to postpone the treatment and see if you can pick it up again at a later date, but they will keep pushing you to do it if the trauma is the reason for your suicidal behaviour. truthfully, is that the case, or is it your nan's illness?
clearly there are more pressing matters right now for you and going into therapy is going to upset you before it heals you, so you could discuss it at the next appointment and ask if you can come back to it in a few months. therapy is a big commitment, i don't think many people realise that it's not just an hour out of your week, it's about making changes in your whole life, and if it's not the right time then it's not the right time. it took four years of mh service treatment before i would go to therapy, because i wasn't in a strong enough place. just make sure you don't walk out or refuse to attend, because then they'll have you down as someone who disengages and it will cause you problems further down the line. discuss your concerns and come to an agreement together.
about the psychologist not being the 'right therapist', i can't remember one mental health professional that i have ever seen that i've liked straight away, literally not one, out of more than i can count. i've never left early appointments thinking that i like someone or their way of working. but the ones i stuck with i learned to work with. obviously you want someone that you like and get on with, but that's not the reason you go. in the early appointments the therapist is doing a lot of thinking in their head and it might not yet be clear what they are going to do, because they are still working out the case and thinking about the best way forward. it might become clearer soon. you could ask to see someone else if you feel very strongly against this person, but it sounds like you are against therapy full stop and whoever you see you will (probably unconsciously) dislike before you meet them. you don't have to 'deal with what you get given' if you really hate it, but on the other hand the services are so stretched that you might have to wait a while for someone else.
just my thoughts anyway. think it all over really carefully, don't do anything rash that you might regret. take care love. x
I think it's just a mix of everything making me feel suicidal. I just feel a bit useless, like I've let so many people down. I can't support my mum as much as I want to, I've let my little sister down because I haven't been able to go and see her due to everything that's happening with my nan, and I've let a lot of friends down because I don't have time or the energy to go and see them.
I emailed my therapist to say I'm not ready to talk about it all at the moment, and that the crisis team are coming to see me tomorrow so I wont need to see her. She'll probably offer me another appointment, but if she doesn't I'll speak to my psych nurse on Thursday and ask what she thinks.
My mum called the nurse the other day, and she's going to speak to the psych doctor about my medication, because she doesn't think it's doing anything, and nor does my mum. Hopefully the next medication will make me feel more stable, and then maybe I'll be able to carry on with therapy once it kicks in and I'm not feeling so awful.
Thank you
Really sorry to hear that, big hugs for you *hug*
Nina x
Fiend, it brings me some comfort that I was there. But to be honest, the past 36 hours of her life were so awful as horrible as it sounds it was a relief she went sooner rather than later. She wasn't her at all, she couldn't talk or move or swallow, it was like she became a baby again... I can't explain... it was so awful to watch, and she must have been in so much pain. As much as I miss her, I'm glad she didn't go on suffering.