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Really need some advice...

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru

So here are the facts- I've been going out with this guy for around three months, we work together and there's quite a big age gap. The age gap isn't really an issue so far as shared references go. He asked me out and chased me; I thought he was cute and there was chemistry but was reluctant because of the age gap. But I gave him a chance and now I've found myself falling for him.

Thing is I don't think he feels the same way, his enthusiasm has waned and he doesn't seem as keen. We see each other everyday in work and I don't know whether the spark has gone or he's just keeping it distant because we're at work. I've never felt this low before, when I leave work I have this mournful feeling and I'm counting down the hours until I can see him again. We see each twice a week in the evenings and it's become the same two days, I'm so anxious waiting for him to text to organise it so I break and text him, so I can never really know is he wants to see me.

I have acted like a bit of a bunny boiler and said all the things you don't say in relationships but this guy is messing my head up but I can't quit him. He says things like, 'the least emotional involvement in a relationship the better/ I can't imagine not being single/ I can't see anyone two nights on the run' but the relationship still goes on. This has confused me and based on this I've asked if he wants to end it and he's said no. He hasn't been out with anyone for years but I don't understand why he would ask me out if he didn't want a relationship (since we work together so using me wouldn't really be an option as it would be too awkward). He puts minimal effort into texts and doesn't put a kiss anymore, all this sounds pathetic but I've asked him if he's going off me and should we end it and it's still going. I'm into him that much I'm either waiting for commitment or to be dumped.

I've never felt this confused before or behaved this pathetically and I don't know what to do.


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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    Hey, welcome to TheSite :wave:

    So you've told us an older guy chased you at work - you weren't sure at first because of the age gap, but then realised you did have things in common and that he was 'cute'. You started seeing each other and three months down the line you're feeling confused - the guy is no longer as warm towards you as he was in the beginning and has left you feeling as if you're a pathetic person.

    This sucks :( not knowing where you really stand and feeling 'mournful' when you leave work is clearly taking its toll and I'm sorry to hear the relationship is having this impact on you. Whatever you decide to do going forwards, finding a solution that means you feel better about yourself and your future is really important. *hug*

    Not surprisingly, the way that this guy is behaving towards you has left you wondering whether or not he truly wants to continue seeing you - yet he insists that he does which has left you feeling confused - his idea of 'seeing you' doesn't seem to match your expectations.

    Based on what you've told us, it seems that this guy is being honest with you about his current perspective and not wanting a serious relationship - maybe he really enjoys your company during the two days he sees you and really doesn't want to take things to the next level. It might be that this arrangement is convenient for him, that he's set in his ways and he enjoys this occasional attention from a younger woman. Afterall, he did chase you at the start - and perhaps he's enjoyed the ego boost?

    If this is the case then it's possible he may never dump you - if he's feeling comfortable with the way things are then it doesn't sound like he would have a reason to? On the other hand, maybe he is behaving this way because he knows that you're unlikely to be happy with the arrangement, so this is his way of pushing you towards ending it? Or, maybe in time he will adapt if he feels as if losing you isn't an option and that in order for this to be an equal relationship, your needs are as important as his...but sadly, based on what you've told us, this sounds like a less likely option.

    Bearing all this in mind, he's very much left the decision in your hands. You'll need to ask yourself - am I happy to continue with this arrangement? What is it that I get out of seeing him these two days a week? Would I be happy 3 months (or potentially much longer) down the line if this is still the way things are?

    Feel free to ponder these questions here with us and try to be as honest as you can about what it is you're getting from the relationship and whether or not the time you spend with him is balanced enough towards the positive to potentially justify your low feelings when you're apart.

    As we don't know this guy and can't get inside his head, we can't predict whether or not he will change his ways and come round to something more serious. While it's likely that if this was to happen, it would probably require you to be super patient with him, find ways to expand your life when you're not in his company and generally not rely on him to be a big focus of your life.

    Finally, a sentence that really stands out - "this guy is messing with my head, but I can't quit him" - it's possible that the way he treated you at the start when he was 'chasing you' - that glowing feeling he probably left you with - has left its mark. With that memory maybe it's hard to swallow the fact that the charm he showed in the chasing phase has waned and may not come back. When we know that someone is capable of being lovely to us, but then stop, it can be really hard to stop trying to reignite it. However, if he really isn't being very warm towards you (and only you can know this for sure) then maybe it could help to write a list of all the things that make him worth staying for and how your life (both emotionally and practically) would be different if you did 'quit' him.

    I hope this has helped you reflect and make sense of the situation a little.

    I'm aware it's a really tough situation to be in and that it can take time to resolve your feelings - but we're hear to listen as you make your decisions...

    Take good care of yourself and remember that you deserve to be in a relationship where you can be yourself and feeling valued.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hello. Thank for the welcome and the reply!

    I'm very low following all of this, don't feel myself anymore and have considered doing stupid things. I was always independent and comfortable in my own skin but he's really got inside my head and I don't recognise myself at all. For example, I would never have been the type of person to air my problems like this, I'm even considering counselling. I've had quite a lot thrown at me in life but I've always been able to deal with it and put on a smile but when someone tramples my heart, it's too much to take.

    It's not just the uncertainty of what the relationship is, it's the nasty comments he makes which he passes off as 'jokes' or 'I'm just winding you, stop being so sensitive.' He says things to me in work so I can't really reply. It's not easy to talk in work but I get frustrated by things he's said and want to discuss them but he's not interested; he wants me to wait until I see him in the evening later in the week. This leaves me going home on edge, not knowing why he would be so horrible to me- I then call him that night for example and then that goes down as me being a 'nut job.' The relationship is mainly a secret, we haven't told anyone in work and neither of us have been introduced to respective friends (something the rational me would flag as heading for a disaster).

    I have been a bit bunny boiler with regards to jealousy and suspicion- but he flirts with a woman in our workplace in front of my face and he has a female friend whom he sees every week. He tells me it's all in my head and I'm overreacting.

    What you said about never dumping me is something I've pondered; I'm holding out for more commitment from him, but I know the situation will stay the same and I'll become increasingly frustrated. I've also asked if he's waiting for me to end it and it was a 'no.' I've already suggested we see each other another night in the week, he thought it was a bad idea and that we should have 'balance.' I just don't know how you can spend the amount of time together that we have and not develop any affection for me at all. It's the evenings I can't bear, I can't read, listen to music or even concentrate on a television programme.
    Luckily I still know that I'm a nice person with good qualities but I'm not sure for how much longer I'll be able to realise this. I've really deteriorated as a person, I go out with friends and I feel alone and spend my time thinking of him.

    I can't work out if I'm emotionally immature or not- if I were older would I accept the score, detatch myself and approach the relationship as he does, get my fun out of it and not care if it ended? Who knows. Was I heading for a spell of bad depression and this scenario occurring was just a coincidence? Again, I don't know. But I do know I feel so low and if it gets worse I don't know what I'll do- I can't dump him but staying with him is more or less destroying me.

    Sorry for boring people with all of this. I know everyone's got their problems and life's not fair but I'm really feeling very despondent.

    Thank you.
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    **helen****helen** Deactivated Posts: 9,235 Supreme Poster
    twostars wrote: »
    I can't dump him but staying with him is more or less destroying me.

    This is a really powerful statement and sounds like it pretty much sums up the crux of your situation. Just out of interest - what do you think would happen if you did dump him.

    And by the way, you're definitely not boring us.
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    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think I should point out that this is my first relationship, I lost my V to this guy (although he doesn't know this; I understand lies aren't the best basis for a relationship). It's my first relationship because I don't like that many people and when I do, I mean it. I'll be loyal and go out of my way for you. I can't do 'just for fun' or meaningless, whereas I think he can. If I dumped him I know I would be in a bad way because I don't let many people in and now I'm in deep; I'm not sure I'll find anyone like him again. Not to mention we work together and I couldn't do it, I know he'd make comments like 'I think I'll shag so and so tonight, etc' and I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Plus it's hard to find a new job, I'm doing well and I remember what being unemployed feels like.

    A month or so in when I wasn't in so deep he said to me 'this isn't going anywhere you know, it's not in your interests because of the age gap.' Since then I've been absolutely thrown. He bounded about the word relationship early on, said things like 'we'll go here in winter' as if he sees longevity. I asked what our relationship was and he said 'it's inbetween a good fuck and marriage- where most relationships are.' He said he hasn't dated or slept with a woman for 7 years but he feels 'safe' with me because of my age, as if I'm not going to expect the works. I'm only the second woman he's brought back to his house. I've asked if I'm being used, what the relationship is and he rolls his eyes, I get labelled as a nutjob because 'all women are.'

    I hadn't worked with him for long before he asked me out and I can't work out why he would ask me out if he wanted a fling because we work next to each and that would be too awkward. Plus, we dated in a slow-ish traditional manner, he wasn't just after sex. He said he classifies himself as single yet he said he told a woman he wasn't when asked. This guy is giving me mixed messages all over the place. He's not even that mad for sex, happy to wait for the two evenings we see each other, he doesn't deal in foreplay anymore and doesn't kiss me that much either. I feel as if he's scared, he's realised that I may be developing feelings and he wants to keep me at arms length so he doesn't develop any.
    When we sleep together I usually go home early because I live with my family, but the other night I stayed over all night and I feel that was a big step for him. He said he's reluctant to do that because he thinks I'll never leave and take over his house. I think he's got real commitment issues, I don't really know if he's been hurt badly in the past, but I get the impression he doesn't want to feel again, which leaves me in a confused state. I don't know whether it's because I'm not too experienced in relationships that I'm crest-fallen because what I'm expecting to happen isn't or whether I'm being unreasonable and I need to give him time.

    I've tried to make him jealous and it doesn't work- now, I'm a pessimist and what that says to me is that he doesn't care, is that unreasonable? I get very jealous. He flirts with a woman in our workplace (where nobody knows about us) and she's also become a good friend of mine. I've quizzed her and she says she doesn't fancy him and I've quizzed him more and he claims he doesn't like her. Because we're trying to keep it on the downlow in work we don't flirt so I get jealous when he flirts with her. I've found myself being nasty about her to him to put him off- that just isn't me and I hate myself for it; the secrecy of it all has bred games and lies. I really want to tell her about him and I so she'll back off with the flirting- she strokes his hand when he uses the mouse on her computer,etc, and it's not pleasant to watch, it's mainly one-sided from her but he does nothing to dissuede her. Should I tell her? she may feel she's been lied to, it's been going on under her nose, she might kick off at him because of the age gap, she may tell everyone. It's just all a mess. I booked a day off work to spend with friends but they've cancelled and now I'd much rather go to work to monitor the flirting- I realise this makes me sound like a jealous psycho but it's how I feel.

    I really like him and I want to stick at it and see if it becomes a normal relationship. I know deep down that's a bad idea and I'm really going to get hurt but I can't end it. I'm probably just filler in his life, I'm convinced that if I didn't call him or text then he wouldn't and we wouldn't see each other. But I'm that mad on him, I can't help but grab for my phone and get in there first, then I'm really anxious until he replies and I may even chase up the text with a call. That's irrational behaviour and I can't believe I'm acting like that, a girl whose motto was always 'be cool!'

    Sorry for my (poorly written!) ramble but it was either this or the Samaritans I suppose. I had to get it out so thank you, helen for caring and offering advice.
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