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Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi.
i'm new to this and i just came on here for some help but then i seen some really interesting and helpful thoughts and thought i could share my story with you guys.
so im here to tell my story and explain about everything thats happened and hopefully there will be people that will understand me and what i've been through and not make it any harder than what it is already.
recently, i've self harmed myself.
and i have my many reasons for it.
My name is Alex, im 15 years old and concidering suicide. the ammount that people put me through every day is un-real, its too much to ask for a 15 year old to be taking on. in this past month its just got way to much for me and i just dont see why its always me. i've been pushed over board and i just cant take it any longer, in the space of 7 days i had 6 exams. my mum and dad want me to do so well and i want to do well myself and make my mum and dad proud but i just dont think i can do that, i feel like im going to fail, i feel like im going to end up dissapointing them and they wont be proud of me, i feel like i have to live up to so many expectations as my older brother came out of school with so many GCSE's and they were all great! and then theres going to be me im just so stressed out and i need to calm down more.
people call me pretty but i know their only saying it to make me feel better because to some people...i have a big chin. i get names thrown at me, people saying stuff all the time, people calling my nick names like 'BC' which stands for big chin of chinny or something, digs thrown at me all the time, threats that people are going to kill me and "take my chin of my fat head" people dont realise that i've been putting up with these comments for 3 years now and i just can't do it anymore, i know im ugly, i sit and stare at my self in the mirror everyday and just cry, closing my eyes hoping that when i open them i'll be the slightest bit pretty. everytime i meet someone new i think "bet they can notice my chin" "then know im ugly" and all sorts of thoughts like this, my chin will never go away, my ugliness will never go away, i'll always be ugly, i'll never be one of the pretty girls, i'll never be perfect. people may laugh at this but you dont understand, being bullied for 3 years of secondary and 2 years of primary, i've just had it, it has to stop becuase when you get people saying stuff all the time each hurtful comment brings you further and further down, hurts you more and more each day, makes you think about taking that extra step over the edge all the time, killing myself basically and i would much rather be happier dead. im fat people say im not fat but i am, i sit down and i have a rolls, all of my friends are super skinny and theres me with my really fat belly and ugly face, i will just never be good enough for anyone and i cant stand not being good enough for anyone. im so down and depressed and everyoen always falls out with me and argues with me all the time, just because they know i wont say anything or fight back, they know weak, people make up so many stories about me all the time which causes even more fall outs, threats and arguements, i jsut cant take it any longer, i have so much more going on but i really dont like talking about it or thinking about it and writing this and getting over upset about it makes me think about it even more, i just dont want that to happen.
i dont know what to do anymore, i would rather die than be alive for one more minute, everyone would be so much happier if i died, everyone, they would all get on fine, no one would miss me, im just a waste of space really and i really just cant take it any longer. i've slit my wrists time and time again but im seriously getting pushed to the limit, im close to taking an overdose, im close to drowning myself, im close to just killing myself some how becuase everyone would be happier that way.
if you have any help please please please contact me, i just need someone to talk to that has good advice, please.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi Alex

    I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. Sounds as if you have become really worn down by the stress caused by your parent's well-meaning expectations and hopes for you, and the really nasty bullying that you've experienced over the past few years.

    The risk with bullying over a long period of time is that the rubbish people throw at you becomes internalised, i.e. the person being ‘got at’ starts to believe the nastiness and the criticism that is hurled at them. An aspect of this can be that you can begin to accept criticism as valid, whereas when anyone says anything supportive you reject it as them: “just being nice”. At worst, you start to think that the bullies are the only one’s being honest with you!

    The constant drip, drip, of criticism and nastiness wears down one’s better judgement - a similar kind of thing happens with brain washing.

    Being self-critical about body image, etc, is very common during teenage years, and bullies tend to pick up on this and use it to torment people with.

    Bullies often have issues themselves, and they divert attention away from themselves by picking on someone else.

    My first thought is to advise you to speak to someone about this, but then I expect you’ve thought of that already but have found it hard to do? But anyway, keep it in mind, because there are people who can provide help and support. I know there are people on this board who will understand where you are coming from.

    If you’re feeling really down, you can always pick up the phone and talk to the Samaritans – they don’t tend to give out advice or counsel, but they are good at listening, which can help to break through feelings of isolation and being alone.

    If you did take your own life your parents and family would be devastated.

    Have you tried learning to relax your mind and body as a way of managing the stress you are under? If you google with: “mindfulness”, or: “autogenic training”, you will find information on how to do it.

    When you catch yourself beating your-self up because of how you look, remind yourself where such rubbish criticism has come from. If this was happening to your best friend, what would you say to them?

    When you find the right partner they will love you for the person you are, which will include all of you.

    Keep in mind that you are going through a difficult phase, what with exams, and all the rubbish you’ve been putting up with from bullies, and that things will improve for you.

    As the saying goes: “Don’t let the bas**rds grind you down!”

    Be good to yourself.

    Jed
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