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Issues with best friend/housemate

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've been living with my best friend for 2 months-ish and although I love her to bits I'm getting so upset with her. Normally she's so lovely, really caring, does more than her share of chores and stuff. But she's been telling me she's really down again (she's on a fairly high dose of antidepressants after 2 suicide attempts last year), and that she was contemplating suicide again. That worried me for starters - shes had multiple bereavements, a huge relationship breakdown, plus she has a life long illness which causes her to be in pain a lot.

Then she's been chasing after men all day every day - and after telling me that she thought that this one guy was too messed up for a relationship, I got a text late last night from her saying they are an item. I'll say there is a possibility I'm slightly jealous but I mainly feel worried and pissed off. We're living like a family rather than housemates and yesterday we were cooking a roast together until this guy calls and she just dropped everything for him. It's not the first time this has happened and I find it really hard to plan my day if she just goes out and doesn't say when she'll be back.

I feel like I'm being sidelined, and that hurts. I'm also really worried about her and I don't know what to do.

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    This is going to sound very harsh - but the above can easily be read as 'my friends life used to revolve around me, and looking after me, now she's got more of a life of her own and is seeing a guy I'm going to throw a strop'.

    What's the actual issue? As a one off she decided to talk to the new guy she's seeing for a bit part way through cooking dinner? Or is there something more? Are you worried about her, or worried about you, or don't know what to do now your one friend is socialising more?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    She didn't talk to him part way through making dinner, she upped and left to go to his (midday yesterday) and still hasn't come back. She's done this walking out in the middle of us doing something together (such as making a meal or going somewhere together) several times, and every time she tells me she'll make it up to me and she feels really shit about it - but she does it again and again, and doesn't make up for it.

    I've been pushing her to go and have a life of her own, I'm just worried it revolving around someone else whos also not in a good mental state. What happens when they have a wobble? Is she going to try and commit suicide again? She said only 2 days ago that she'd been contemplating it!

    I'm aware that I'm a little envious that she has someone romantically interested in her and that I am pretty lonely when I haven't got anyone around and I'm left on my own for days at a time (she didn't come back for 2/3 days last time - and thus didn't take her medication for that amount of time either), but I think thats reasonably understandable! I'm mainly worried about her and how shes going to fair - if this relationship is going to become her emotional barometer like the last one did, and if there is anything I can do to help her.

    If I get lonely, its not the first time, and thats just something to suck up and deal with, but thats not what I'm really worried about right now - I'm scared her relationship could become co-dependent and she could end up in a much more emotionally fragile state than she is already.

    I have a feeling theres not much that I can do and I'm just going to have to hang back, let her make her own mistakes and be there if she needs me.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »

    I have a feeling theres not much that I can do and I'm just going to have to hang back, let her make her own mistakes and be there if she needs me.

    I think this sums it up, i'm sure she is perfectly aware that she should take her medication and the consequences of missing doses. Let her be, you can only address what's making you frustrated when she's willing to listen.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    urgh my fears are becoming realised already! Shes not coming back tonight because this guy hasn't taken his ADs for a few days and needs looking after...from single to co-dependancy in 72 hours!

    :(

    My big sister instints are kicking in but I don't think theres anything I can do :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I have a question, I've never understood what's wrong with co-dependancy, what's with that?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Codependency (or codependence, co-narcissism or inverted narcissism) is unhealthy love and a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that harm one's relationships and quality of life. It also often involves placing a lower priority on one's own needs, while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.[1] Codependency can occur in any type of relationship, including family, work, friendship, and also romantic, peer or community relationships.[1] Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, or control patterns.[1] Narcissists are considered to be natural magnets for the codependent.

    rather than
    Interdependence is a relation between its members such that each is mutually dependent on the others. This concept differs from a simple dependence relation, which implies that one member of the relationship can't function or survive apart from the other(s). In an interdependent relationship, participants may be emotionally, economically, ecologically and/or morally reliant on and responsible to each other. An interdependent relationship can arise between two or more cooperative autonomous participants (e.g. - co-op). Some people advocate freedom or independence as the ultimate good; others do the same with devotion to one's family, community, or society. Interdependence can be a common ground between these aspirations.

    does that make more sense

    (yes I have just pasted from wikipedia rather than explain *hangs head in shame*)
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok, that works. I got called co-dependant by my partners ex.

    On your issue, you probably do need to hang back. She won't thank you for your efforts.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    ok, i think you just need to let her make her own mistakes, its really nice that you care about your friend, but just like you she needs to make her own choices in life and even if that means you dont agree with it and you think it will all go wrong you still just got to let her do it and be there for her when it all falls apart. it isnt healthy for you to be worrying about her 24/7. instead of worrying just go do your own thing and live your own life. you can still be there for your friend without having to compulsively worry about what she's doing all the time. just relax :) x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I observe this a lot, that people who are unhappy with themselves, think their cure lies in a relationship with another person. It usually never is. The illusion of it working might be the masking of your own problems, but not the solving of them. Luckily I didn't need a failed relationship to realize this folly myself, but many people still think so, and it usually leaves them off worse than before.

    This might be the only time people who have a hard time finding partners (mostly men, in my vicinity) have the advantage.
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