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Need some help and / or tips to move on after girlfriend ended it
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Skip down to TL;DR if you don't care about context.
Hey guys. Long story short: met this girl two years ago, were friends for about 6 months but was obvious I fancied her, around Jan/Feb time 2010 we started dating / etc. which was the most intense whirlwind romance I've ever had.
We're both into LAN gaming etc. and in March I believe a random LANgoer thought he'd try his chances, spoke to her online on facebook, I was cool with all that and knew what he was up to but trusted her. A month or so later she is asleep in bed with me and I do the devil and decide to take a cursory glance at the photos on her phone. Big mistake, hardcore evidence of exchanges of naughty photos. I had no suspicion before this either, I was just being a nosy git.
Nearly split up, but stayed together because of the intense romantic feelings we had for each other, things got back on track. Two weeks ago I was away in another town for work for two weeks, get back and everything has changed. She went to a LAN in the time I was away, the other guy was there, she says nothing happened and I happen to believe her because he is the kind of guy who will happily flirt with girls by text / internet, but can't talk to women in real life. But it brought all the feelings of infatuation back for her. She doesn't even think the guy is particularly attractive, it's just the stupid fact that he's given her attention. She said he's a bit of a loser stoner but... that's besides the point.
Fast forward to yesterday, after a few days talking it out she believes that despite her still being in love with me her sexual chemistry for me has fizzled out because of this guy and she can't see that changing as much as she wants it to. We decide to go our separate ways. I don't actually want to, but fuck me if I'm staying in a relationship where she doesn't want me and doesn't think that's ever going to change.
I'm pretty heartbroken to be honest, I can't really blame her for feelings. She was a bitch for cheating but we got over that. It's extra painful that its the exact same guy that's brought this about now, but I suppose thats the natural order of things.
I just need some practical advise on dealing with the things I'm feeling right now. I'm trying not to talk to her too much as difficult as it is; she still wants to be best friends (as I left yesterday, the last thing she said to me, crying, was 'I love you', so its a fucked up situation). But I know if I'm going to be able to move on I need to not obsess over her, as it's not unlikely in the next few days / weeks she'll be at it like rabbits with the internet guy.
Just hurts pretty bad. Dunno what to do with myself. Have an exam in a week I need to revise for. No friends where I live (moving about after uni, haven't settled in yet). Thanks guys.
TL;DR Girlfriend didn't feel sexual chemistry for me anymore because of a third guy but still 'loved' me, we split up yesterday because of this, finding it difficult to deal with the pain and hurt and jealousy, so any advice or reassurance is welcome.
Update 1 spoke to an ex, bizarrely, and asked for help. She said be honest with my feelings. I told current ex that her seeing this guy brought me a lot of hurt. She said she felt like a horrible person, the reason she wants the 'romance' is because the excitement is covering up the bad feelings. She also suggested couples counselling. I said I'd be interested in coming, even if it doesn't lead to us getting back together they might have a more productive way of us going apart.
Update 2 she phoned me this morning at 9am, called in sick to work. In tears. She said it's dawned on her how much she has given up and feels like the worst person on earth. It was really gut wrenching to hear her say that. I said she just needed to calm down and relax and take things easy because right now the emotions are intense like a firey inferno, and impossible to deal with. I told her to take time for herself and just do some stuff that she likes and can handle. Finally she said it wasn't fair of her to talk to me since she was such a bad person, so she wouldn't initiate contact and infringe on my space but if I ever wanted to talk to her I was always welcome. Oh also she said that the guilt and pain now is stopping her even talking to the guy let alone pursue anything.
Hey guys. Long story short: met this girl two years ago, were friends for about 6 months but was obvious I fancied her, around Jan/Feb time 2010 we started dating / etc. which was the most intense whirlwind romance I've ever had.
We're both into LAN gaming etc. and in March I believe a random LANgoer thought he'd try his chances, spoke to her online on facebook, I was cool with all that and knew what he was up to but trusted her. A month or so later she is asleep in bed with me and I do the devil and decide to take a cursory glance at the photos on her phone. Big mistake, hardcore evidence of exchanges of naughty photos. I had no suspicion before this either, I was just being a nosy git.
Nearly split up, but stayed together because of the intense romantic feelings we had for each other, things got back on track. Two weeks ago I was away in another town for work for two weeks, get back and everything has changed. She went to a LAN in the time I was away, the other guy was there, she says nothing happened and I happen to believe her because he is the kind of guy who will happily flirt with girls by text / internet, but can't talk to women in real life. But it brought all the feelings of infatuation back for her. She doesn't even think the guy is particularly attractive, it's just the stupid fact that he's given her attention. She said he's a bit of a loser stoner but... that's besides the point.
Fast forward to yesterday, after a few days talking it out she believes that despite her still being in love with me her sexual chemistry for me has fizzled out because of this guy and she can't see that changing as much as she wants it to. We decide to go our separate ways. I don't actually want to, but fuck me if I'm staying in a relationship where she doesn't want me and doesn't think that's ever going to change.
I'm pretty heartbroken to be honest, I can't really blame her for feelings. She was a bitch for cheating but we got over that. It's extra painful that its the exact same guy that's brought this about now, but I suppose thats the natural order of things.
I just need some practical advise on dealing with the things I'm feeling right now. I'm trying not to talk to her too much as difficult as it is; she still wants to be best friends (as I left yesterday, the last thing she said to me, crying, was 'I love you', so its a fucked up situation). But I know if I'm going to be able to move on I need to not obsess over her, as it's not unlikely in the next few days / weeks she'll be at it like rabbits with the internet guy.
Just hurts pretty bad. Dunno what to do with myself. Have an exam in a week I need to revise for. No friends where I live (moving about after uni, haven't settled in yet). Thanks guys.
TL;DR Girlfriend didn't feel sexual chemistry for me anymore because of a third guy but still 'loved' me, we split up yesterday because of this, finding it difficult to deal with the pain and hurt and jealousy, so any advice or reassurance is welcome.
Update 1 spoke to an ex, bizarrely, and asked for help. She said be honest with my feelings. I told current ex that her seeing this guy brought me a lot of hurt. She said she felt like a horrible person, the reason she wants the 'romance' is because the excitement is covering up the bad feelings. She also suggested couples counselling. I said I'd be interested in coming, even if it doesn't lead to us getting back together they might have a more productive way of us going apart.
Update 2 she phoned me this morning at 9am, called in sick to work. In tears. She said it's dawned on her how much she has given up and feels like the worst person on earth. It was really gut wrenching to hear her say that. I said she just needed to calm down and relax and take things easy because right now the emotions are intense like a firey inferno, and impossible to deal with. I told her to take time for herself and just do some stuff that she likes and can handle. Finally she said it wasn't fair of her to talk to me since she was such a bad person, so she wouldn't initiate contact and infringe on my space but if I ever wanted to talk to her I was always welcome. Oh also she said that the guilt and pain now is stopping her even talking to the guy let alone pursue anything.
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And don't idolize your ex so much. She left you for another dude probably cheated on you. No matter how much she sugercoats it, she's not worth anymore hassle.
TBH, and excuse me if this sounds harsh, if she is led astray just by someone paying her some attention then she can't think that much of you or your relationship, and by saying she "loves you" etc is just keeping you on the hook knowing she can pick you up and put you down as and when she pleases. Even if you d work it out some other guy will pay her attention down the line and you will be back right where you are now.
It comes down to self respect, I hope you have enough of it not to let her use you...
You sound awesome
:yes: V. good advice, this is what i always try to do as well
It's a different girl but similar story. Out of the three significant e.g. >1 month relationships I've had, the first one was the nicest and most mutual breakup ever.
The second was her leaving me for guy A a year in and coming back crying two months later, then she left for guy B 3 and a half years later.
The third is now this, her leaving me because of her confusing feelings for guy C.
Also updated OP:
Update 2 she phoned me this morning at 9am, called in sick to work. In tears. She said it's dawned on her how much she has given up and feels like the worst person on earth. It was really gut wrenching to hear her say that. I said she just needed to calm down and relax and take things easy because right now the emotions are intense like a firey inferno, and impossible to deal with. I told her to take time for herself and just do some stuff that she likes and can handle. Finally she said it wasn't fair of her to talk to me since she was such a bad person, so she wouldn't initiate contact and infringe on my space but if I ever wanted to talk to her I was always welcome. Oh also she said that the guilt and pain now is stopping her even talking to the guy let alone pursue anything.
Oh my days. She does like the drama doesn't she
It sounds like she might just be wanting to hear you say something like : "Don't worry, you're not a bad person, you're fine and lovely lardydardydar"
However, you're not obliged to say any of these things. Yes, she's upset, but also she just, as you say, needs to chill out because otherwise she's not going be able to make any rational decisions about the way she treats the people who get close to her.
Cut loose, distract yourself and then over time, full perspective on this will come.
I know it's a cliche, but I suspect you will be much happier single for a while if it means you can get your full confidence back and you're not having to worry about girls who haven't really figured out what they want from a relationship. While daunting at first, making friends in a new area can be really exciting. *hug*
I've known you on these boards for a long time. I get the impression that you are one of these people (a bit like myself) who just cant help themselves when it comes to helping out family and friends, and sometimes even strangers in a spreading the love kind of way.
Theres not too much extra I can expand on from what people have said in here already, and I also dont want to dictate to you. All you need to do and learn is; that if you dont look after yourself, then you cant be there to look after others.
Stay safe bud, and youre always welcome to send me a PM and pop in for a virtual brew
That's the impression I have gotten reading through this thread. It strikes me that Shyboy feels sorry for the girl and wants to make her feel better before making himself feel better, even though she is the one who wronged him in the first place and is now (IMO) just pulling his strings.
I don't have any tips for getting out of the habit as I think I still do it myself....but he's not alone
She turned round and said she doesn't see us ever getting back together :crying:
It probably is for the best logically but right now I just feel the worst in the world. Almost no sleep, sick in the night, life sucks.
The worst thing is she says its not even my fault that regardless of the conversation that was her feeling. She said she's terrified of being around me because of how much grief she has caused me the guilt is just too strong.
My ex before her said exactly the same fucking thing, so I'm guessing it's something I'm doing. I don't know what.
I'm still hung up on my ex badly so i guess its hypocritical me saying this but she's done you a huge favour telling you her real intentions. at least now you know where you stand. I know it doesn't make much difference but at least you know what direction your life is heading.
I hope things sort out for you soon.
Dan
You are right. The only thing I wish I could change is we were somewhere with good memories for us and do it right instead of alcohol and phones when we're both fucking exhausted. You never forget a breakup and it sours the whole memory if its bad
When a close friend of mine died recently, a lot of people said to remember the good times. You have to remember the bad times to as when you do, it makes the good oh so much better. It is similar in effect to when a relationship dies, you do feel empty inside and to a little extent a bit worthless.
Don't go chasing after her and ruining the good memories you have though.
Anyone fancy a pint? I'm buying
Great news *hug*
She is ridiculous. Making out like its a huge sacrifice but she's 'doing it for me'.
To me it sounds like she is using you to massage her ego. Stay strong dude!
Hence the hobby. Find one. It doesn't matter if you've never had any onterest in it before, or even demonstrate any prowess in it. In fact, if it's difficult it will occupy your thoughts better. Choose a hobby where there is a teacher and some students- you can then interact with the students. Go to EVERY lesson. If they're only once a week, find as many places within reasonable travelling distance that you can take up the hobbby at- aim to do it four evenings a week. This will keep you busy physically and mentally, hugely inrease your social circle and... by the time you feel you can stop doing the hobby as a distraction technique against girl-unmentionable, you will be pretty good at it and have made a few friends in the different locations you train at.
I suggest a form of dance if you want to get straight in with interacting with girls again. All the partner dance classes are short on men, that would be salsa, tango, jive etc.
Sticking with the physical theme, you could join a martial arts class or two. Do not just join a gym- that's lonely, sigh yourself up for lessons in obscure knife swinging or something.
Or you could join an am dram society, or something like that.
Don't be lonely, meet people and learn a new skill and occupy your thoughts with positive things that take you forwards in life.
Been looking this evening at different kinds of hobbies
If not you could always join my nostagic ranks and do WWII re-enactment (well, something I want to do, I'm still collecting uniform bits, I've never really had the opportunity to go to one so far).
Hehe that sounds interesting, I love seeing people dressed up in 1940s / 50s swing garb! Will have to think about the extreme sports, like Kat said the more challenging the easier it is to get lost in it.... but I will see... I do want to take up something I can make some nice friends I could go pub with / play random sports with.
What do you think to hockey... http://www.grimsbyhc.org/training.html
Useful article I found
Above everything else, remember your respect for the other person and your respect for yourself.
Thankyou