Am I sabotaging my relationship or is it falling apart?

Former Member

This is difficult to write, because I kind of don't want to admit any of this stuff, because its so hard to deal with, and I'm constantly second guessing myself.

I've been with my boyfriend for over 2 years now. We have spent all but the past 4 months in a long distance relationship. Tbh, since I've moved, it seems that the relationship has gone a bit sour. I live half an hour away, and I get to see him once a week if I'm lucky. I've gotten very down since finishing my degree, because I don't really know what to do with my life, and I feel kind of lost, I suppose. He's been really busy, as he works full-time, as well as having a band, being a partner in a film production company and doing voice acting. I feel like I have to make time to see him, but I don't feel he gives me the same courtesy. We've been having sexual issues for the past 6 months (I say both of us, but he won't deal with his stuff), and I've been attending a clinic for the past 2 months for pain during sex, and now we're having less than before - maybe once a month or so. When we meet up its rarely just a night in on our own (I share a house with my mum, and he shares with his brother), its almost always with other friends of his.

I do love him. But I'm not so sure I'm in love with him. I'm starting to doubt whether I fancy him as well. Leaving him has a lot of consequences. I've moved to an area where I have no friends asides mutual ones (mainly his really), and I have not much of a life outside of the relationship. I'd feel so much more isolated than currently.

I'm analysing everything that I have been doing and thinking. I've been wondering if its all just getting to that "comfortable" stage (but its not feeling very comfortable), and if it just the excitement fading. I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much out of the relationship...and if I put too much emphasis on sex in a relationship.

I know leaving uni really changes your perspective, and we're kind of at different points in our life, but I really wonder about his levels of commitment. We've been together for over 2 years now, and yet he doesn't even want to entertain the idea of moving in together. I'm also wondering if I'm just talking myself out of a good thing, and self-sabotaging something that has been good in the past.

Former Member

it sounds like you have had a lot of changes to cope with recently, and maybe thats why you are feeling so confused and unsettled at the moment?

you say youve been 'down' - if you are depressed, its probably not a good time to make any decisions about staying with your boyfriend or not, you say you doubt if you 'fancy him' anymore- sometimes depression can really reduce desire and you both have sexual issues too so maybe this is just compounding to result in your feelings about the relationships.

if he has issues too, which he is refusing to deal with, then i can see that would be very frustrating, especially when you have given up your life where you used to live to be near him and are trying to resolve your issues, but all you can do is try and talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel...perhaps he thinks he is trying, or doesnt realise how you feel?

id say the best way to figure out how you really feel is to work on your issues on your own, and let him know how your feel...everyone says it, but try talking everything through cuz thats the only way you will really understand how you feel..

hope its all okay in the end
xxx

Former Member

He's not very good at communicating around "us" issues. He often seems to direct things back at me, which is horrible, and after every conversation I'm left feeling like I've hurt him. I think I'm going to spend some of today or tomorrow writing down how I feel and maybe send it to him later this week. We're on a break at the moment, and we're not meant to be speaking to each other - I'm not sure if its just to give each other space or a trial separation...we didn't really discuss the fine details before I left, and he seemed to want to do other stuff rather than discuss it all.

I'm just noticing patterns in my previous long term relationships - communication breakdown seems to have been a factor, but I don't know if I'm just over analysing everything I do and think...and I'm also really worried about hurting him. At the end of everything, he has been a good friend and companion over the past 2 and a bit years, and although it wouldn't work, I'd still want to be friends. He's a great guy, with many redeeming features, but I don't know what I want anymore.

I agree with you about how depression can cloud my judgement, I'm just worried how long it will take me to get over it. I could be fine by the end of the week, the month, the year or longer. I don't want to be stuck in something thats not working just because I'm not sure if I've made the right decision. I might never be sure if I made the right decision. Theres always the ifs, buts and maybes, regardless if its the right or the wrong decision.

Former Member

Hi there Miss_Riot,

First I just wanted to say well done for posting something that you knew would be hard for you. We are all listening and hope just writing it has already helped in some way.

Second, it seems that the way you both lived during the long distance, for example only making time for seeing each other rarely, has remained the same. Perhaps you feel like there is no extra effort and perhaps he feels like its normal as for the past couple of years its been this way? Perhaps a conversation on how to adapt the relationship you have both been used to, to something new?

Similarly, sometimes the spark after the long distance goes as perhaps you missed each other more and now once a week feels normal? Taking a break as you mentioned you are doing could be a good idea.

However the fact that you are unsure about your feelings towards him is very important. Yes it seems that a part of you is worried about losing your friends and social life as they are all linked to him - yet it you feel the love is fading, then perhaps you need to really think about what you want. Have you seen your GP concerning your depression and your low mood? Perhaps this is also something to consider.

Have a look at our article on Relationship therapy as it mentions similar issues.

Feel free to keep posting and let us know how you get on *hug*

Former Member

I've seen my GP and she's signed me off for 2 months, told me to rest and relax, and given my a script for venaflaxine, which I've not taken up, because its events and ongoing stuff that needs to be sorted that making me down, not just a hormonal imbalance.

I've thought about relationship therapy, and spoken to him about it, and he's not really up for it. I've spoken to him A LOT about how often we see each other and his answer was pretty much that he's not willing to drop any of his committments. For example:

Monday - gym
Tuesday - him time
Wednesday - Filming
Thursday - D&D
Friday - Band practice
Saturday - works half day then goes out with friends
Sunday - goes out with friends, or sees me if i'm lucky.

I know his hobbies are becoming his career, but his friends almost always take president over me. He went to sonisphere the weekend after I finished my degree work, rather than spend it with me and celebrate. Kinda cruel because he knew I wanted to go too...

I keep seeing myself talking myself out of this. I feel like I'm just being a bitchy girlfriend, rather than actually having issues in the relationship...

Former Member

Do you really want a relationship like this? Is there nay reason why he sees his friends on Saturday after work and then Sunday? Seems like he cares about them more than he does you...

I wouldn't be happy either.

Former Member

He's often working on filming or voice acting on the weekend after his 9-5 job. So thats what he does on weekends as well.

Former Member

Miss_Riot wrote: »

I do love him. But I'm not so sure I'm in love with him. I'm starting to doubt whether I fancy him as well. Leaving him has a lot of consequences. I've moved to an area where I have no friends asides mutual ones (mainly his really), and I have not much of a life outside of the relationship. I'd feel so much more isolated than currently.

Hello just-over-a-year-ago me, how are you doing?

Anyway!

I'm far too tired to formulate a proper response, but I will say this:

A year ago, I was you. Almost to the letter. Sex issues, friend issues, time issues, moving in issues (I was at four years, and he still didn't want to), and all the thoughts you're having.

I'm not going to tell you what to do, because obviously you AREN'T me, and it might be different, but I quoted the above because I think it speaks volumes. I loved Rich, I absolutely loved him with every inch of myself, but it got to a point where we were really not much more than friends who snuggled. I stopped fancying him, I found his friends difficult to deal with, and I wasn't comfortable being around them.

Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did. That's not to say I regretted the relationship, but sometimes you just have to remind yourself that being happy in the long run is worth the temporary cabin fever and loneliness (and it's been lonely, without a doubt).

Former Member

I've been banned about talking or thinking about him by the lovely peeps who I'm staying with, because I am just...well lets say ruminating is an understatement. I'm writing him a letter which I will give him a couple of days before I leave, so he has time to think about the ultimatiums I'm giving him.

I shall report back on the findings...

Thanks so much peeps!

Former Member

Honey, I say this in the nicest way possible:

Ultimatums don't work. Second chances turn into third, fourth, fifth chances. If ultimatums worked I wouldn't be single right now, I can tell you that for free.

Former Member

He deserves as much as to be told what he's done wrong, and to be given the opportunity to correct it. One opportunity and one only...

Former Member

Miss_Riot wrote: »

He deserves as much as to be told what he's done wrong, and to be given the opportunity to correct it. One opportunity and one only...

I've thought about relationship therapy, and spoken to him about it, and he's not really up for it. I've spoken to him A LOT about how often we see each other and his answer was pretty much that he's not willing to drop any of his committments.

That doesn't sound like just one opportunity to me, honey.

Former Member

So I've written him a letter detailing exactly how his actions and how I see the current situation of our relationship, and sent it.

I'm just waiting for a responce.

Oddly, I've spent so much time thinking about the possible outcomes, I'm feeling quite content about any result. I think this letter has helped me to come to peace with the whole thing.

Thanks for your advice lovely people, I will update you when I get a response!

Former Member

sounds crap. Just dump him. Hes not making any effort to see you tbh. He would if he wanted to, and if he doesnt want to, its not going to work.

Former Member

He's replyed and wants to meet up on Tuesday (I don't get back until early hours of Tuesday anyway).

I was talking to a friend abotu what to say to him, and she was saying to write down exactly what I want out of the relationship and what i want to change... I'm just not sure I want the relationship anymore... But I'm not 100% sure...

Do I give him a chance or take a leap of faith... ?

Former Member

It sounds as if you've given him enough chances, to be honest. Besides, you can write lists, ask him to do x, y and z; he may agree to all that, but it's easy to promise stuff - actions speak louder than words and it sounds like there's a gap between what's being said and what's being done.

Former Member

I suppose in a way, I'm a little bit worried about being on my own again and loosing friends...

Former Member

It's a totally valid fear, pretty much anyone who has gone through a break up worries about it. I was terrified of being alone and it takes time to adjust and work things through emotionally, but now I absolutely love my single life (I even live by myself) and in terms of meeting new people and friends: I met more people in the month after breaking up with my ex than I did in the 4 years we were together.

Former Member

Just had an almost desperate email from him...

I'm not sure what to do now. Part of me feels like I really need to give him a chance to redeam himself... but even if he does, I really don't know if I want to be with him regardless, but the idea of breaking his heart by leaving him is making me feel sick...

Former Member

Ok, so we talked...and made up a bit. He's made a huge amount more effort, even took me away for the weekend. I'm just seeing where this one goes, I'm realising I'm in a really odd headspace right now, and I shouldn't throw away something thats worked up until xmas gone (and tbh, one point he did make was that my life seems to have been constant crises since then with family/money/uni/health/housing issues one after the other, and that its been difficult to get close to me with all that going on), without really giving it some time. I still have some niggles, but not enough to ditch him now.

Former Member

Hope things are headed in a good direction for you now. You have given it some time though (like you say, since xmas gone!). You say you're in a weird head space recently and that certainly makes it more difficult to work out what you want, but make sure to try to take things slowly and consider how any changes affect you first and foremost. Relationships do fall apart and it is god awfully painful but people recover, of all the reasons to stay in a relationship the fact it will hurt if its gone is never the best one. I think the main point I want to state is something I've been trying to tell myself a lot recently...

Respect yourself. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, you don't deserve a relationship that's just got the potential to be nice, but isnt actually making you happy. Respect yourself always.

Former Member

One thing I have realised is that I love being with him. I hate only seeing him once a week. it doesn't work and i need more than that. I'd like to think that we're making positive moves in that direction. I'm about to start another 6 month tenancy, if by then he hasn't made major changes and isn't ready to move in with me, then I think its time to end it.

Its difficult, because I do love him, but I also know what I need and want from a relationship, and that hasn't really been happening

Former Member

If you know what you want and need, that's wonderful. Tell your boyfriend what you want and need and if he can't manage it then end it.

Just don't fall into that typical Borderline Personality Disorder trap of idolising him one minute then hating him the next. Don't deliberately set him something that he cannot do, just as an excuse to get rid.

Former Member

I haven't fallen into that trap at all...(sorry I get a bit ouchy when people meantion the personality traits of BPD because I still don't think I have it).

Its a difficult thing because I love him. I'd love him if he worked the other side of the world, and I understand his reasons. He doesn't have enough time for himself right now let alone me, but i don't know if theres going to be a point when he will. He makes grand gestures everytime I say something, but I'd much prefer small gestures all the time...so I didn't have to say anything. I don't want to leave someone I love just because they can't manage their time.

Former Member

I just spent 3 hours crying and talking it through with him. I told him that I don't think I'm in love with him anymore. It hurt more than I could have ever imagined. He asked if it was the depression rather than my real feelings and I said I don't know. So he's given me until Saturday to find out...

I feel so totally shattered and numb right now...

Former Member

When you have talked to him in the past and have voiced your concerns, what has he gone and done; has he made a genuine effort to change for the better, or has be made big grand flashy short term efforts to try and keep you hooked?

To me (from chats me and Miss_Riot have had over PM too) I think that you might just be hanging on because you think it is the right thing to do. It also seems that you have a bit of an inner turmoil fighting between what you think is the right thing to do, what you think others think the right thing is to do and what you actually want to do.

He sounds to me to be a little bit more trouble than he is worth, though you are bound to be upset because of the closeness you have enjoyed with him and that aspect of "sharing your lives".

I personally think its time to look after yourself rather than trying to look after others as well. It might be harsh on him, but from what I know of the situation, I wouldnt be far wrong in thinking that many of the issues you two have, and the ones he has, have been brought on by himself.

Former Member

I do agree in a way...

His reasoning last night was that I've only given him three weeks to sort himself out and that things don't happen overnight. And that he took me away (and broke the bank, which I said to him made me feel bad, because I don't want him getting into debt to make me feel happy).

I need to mull it over. My mum said that she thinks the relationship was some potential, but she also said that I'd probably outgrow him. He does seem to be a 28 yr old man child with ADHD...and i'm not sure if i want that anymore.

Former Member

I'm fairly certain I made a thread right after I broke up with Rich that I was going to show you, but it seems it has disappeared. Anyway - I know how you're feeling and if you need me etc.

Former Member

I had this horrible feeling that I'm going to break up with Joe and then be very lonely and (I know this is really sad, but I've never really had a good birthday, its something that really gets be down) having no one to celebrate my birthday with, yet again...

I've been speaking to relate quite a bit, talking about getting him involved in a session, but I can't afford it...

I just feel I'm tredding water, but at the same time, i feel like I'm throwing so much away because I'm being a primadonna about not getting what I want...

Former Member

I have had many birthdays on my own and where I've felt very lonely. It might not help you but I always think of it as "I'm still here and have made it through another year, I might be low but I'm still here for myself"

Former Member

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