Home Sex & Relationships
If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Aged 16-25? Share your experience of using the discussion boards and receive a £25 voucher! Take part via text-chat, video or phone. Click here to find out more and to take part.
Options

Am I sabotaging my relationship or is it falling apart?

2»

Comments

  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Stop! Don't panic and think about what ifs for now :). It is difficult enough dealing with the turbulence of everything going on on its own, than thinking about what the future may or may not hold. As I said in our chat the other day, it is important to try to find peace and focus on the things you can control rather than get upset over the things you can't.

    I suggest Mr. Eno as a temporary measure for finding peace.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKw5mbcE7VY

    A technique some people use (though not me admittedly) is to write things down and compartmentalise the situation. Obviously things like the future are scary and upsetting but right now it's not something you can directly change.

    The big question is whether you're happy right now and if not, whether you can be happy in the future in this relationship with realistic changes, or whether you can't be happy or the changes are unrealistic / too difficult.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    The loneliness was (and still very much is) the worst part of it for me. But (and this was the most important part) I was just as lonely when I was with him, just in a different way.

    But at least with the single-lonely you have the opportunity to go and make friends of your own. Find a club or something of one of your hobbies or interests and make friends that way (I, er, still need to do this...).
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I moved to a new part of the country where I don't have many (any) friends, so I could be closer to him. But I could have moved anywhere and the same might have happened...

    Its scary, I would like to be able to just fall back in love with him, and I totally understand that this situation is not all of his doing, it always takes two to tango, but I can't sort myself out and just watch him to continue on regardless pretending its all ok...he genuinely thinks that asides from my depression there is no problem with our relationship. I just don't think he can see that I'm unhappy within the relms of our relationship.

    And i am psychoanalysing all of this like a MF and its only half past nine...
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I just feel like I'm repeatedly moaning about all of this, but I just can't get any clarity on it.

    I contacted him today to get clear about where he and I stood, and asked him if he would come to relate with me, and he just said no and got angry. I won't talk to him because he just gives me a monologue about what i'm doing wrong, and he just keeps on not understanding what I'm saying about how I feel.

    The way he's behaving right now, I really don't want to continue the relationship. I just want to try and make this amicable..
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    I just feel like I'm repeatedly moaning about all of this, but I just can't get any clarity on it.

    I contacted him today to get clear about where he and I stood, and asked him if he would come to relate with me, and he just said no and got angry. I won't talk to him because he just gives me a monologue about what i'm doing wrong, and he just keeps on not understanding what I'm saying about how I feel.

    The way he's behaving right now, I really don't want to continue the relationship. I just want to try and make this amicable..

    So he dictates to you what he thinks is wrong with you, but wont listen or change when you have made suggestions to him?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    From experience the worst thing you can do is continue an argument late at night when you're both stressed out / upset and it just ends up going round in circles. Best thing is to take a breather and give each other some space... have a deep think about things and then you can set aside maybe an hour or so on saturday to talk and get it hammered out. You need to make sure you are giving both of you enough time to talk and discuss things but you don't want to just linger on all day torturing each other by going round in circles.

    I hope everything goes ok for you whatever happens.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    By the sounds of it your relationship is falling apart - whether or not that's because you're sabotaging it is another question.

    From reading what you've said on here, it's all about you. Reading through your posts, it's all 'I want', 'I need', and then references to 'him'. There's very little about 'us' or 'we'. Unless there's a magic way things can become more balanced I've not got great hopes. A long term relationship is about a life together, not about what you need a partner to be for you.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    after spending yesterday afternoon and this morning talking it through, we decided mutually to end it. Its a horrible situation because we still care about each other, but we both have lots of things to do in life which don't involve each other and our lifeplans are totally different.

    Its still very painful and raw, and at the end of it i really did realise that I wasn't just sabotaging it at all, it wasn't healthy for either of us, and we both want each other to be happy.

    We left it all on good terms, so hopefully we can be friends after a few months, but we'll see how it goes....

    Now starts the healing :(
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Miss_Riot wrote: »
    after spending yesterday afternoon and this morning talking it through, we decided mutually to end it. Its a horrible situation because we still care about each other, but we both have lots of things to do in life which don't involve each other and our lifeplans are totally different.

    Its still very painful and raw, and at the end of it i really did realise that I wasn't just sabotaging it at all, it wasn't healthy for either of us, and we both want each other to be happy.

    We left it all on good terms, so hopefully we can be friends after a few months, but we'll see how it goes....

    Now starts the healing :(

    *hug*
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Today I'm closing this chapter of my life completly. We're meeting up, as friends and returning our stuff to each other. I know it isn't going to be easy, and i'm preparing for him publicly tearing me apart/ crying / pretending nothings happened/ etc...

    I just feel so much freer now, like I can actually live my life the way I want to now :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Ok so i went to see him, and that was all ok. Then i got home to see he'd given me back a gift I'd spent pretty much an entire week making for him, as well as not returning a lot of my stuff. I sent him a text about it saying i was quite upset about the gift and when was he going to return the rest of my stuff...and he then screamed abuse at me down the phone. I've never seen him like that before. He is going to return my stuff at some point but didn't say when...

    *deep breath* He really has just shown his true colours, and I'm so glad I'm out of there now!

    Onwards and upwards :)
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there Miss_Riot,

    Seems like after all this time and hard thinking you are happy with your decision;
    *deep breath* He really has just shown his true colours, and I'm so glad I'm out of there now!

    Well done on being so strong :) this is always very hard - keep posting as much as you like, in no way do you keep "moaning about all of this".

    *hug*
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He keeps calling me, asking me to come to group things with him and friends - his friends, not mine.

    I've told him to give me some space, I'm not sure what game he's trying to play but I'm not joining in. I'd rather be lonely than have to tow the line and pretend its all OK.

    I'm moving on, he needs to as well, rather than just self destructing himself liek he is now. Tbh, I couldn't care less, I just don't want to be involved.

    Is that heartless?
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    No it's not. You have to do what's right for you. If that's cutting ties completely, then that's what you do.

    I think asking him for space would be a normal reaction to breaking up and certainly isn't unreasonable.
  • Options
    Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    He just needs to respect that. I feel like I really need to kick start my social life now. thats a bit difficult when you have chronic anxiety :S
Sign In or Register to comment.