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I don't know who I am anymore

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've massively fucked up, again. I feel like over the past 6 months or so, my level of depression has increased, to the point where I usually feel apathy towards most people, even the ones I'm supposed to love.

I previously had a period of time where I was majorly depressed, and my coping mechanism was to close off my feelings. At the time, my girlfriend described me as emotionally dead. It was very difficult for her, as I'm completely unable to talk to her about this, and from the outside its so different.

Now I feel like that damage to me was irreparable. I often genuinely worry about whether I'd be upset if a family member died. I feel so much guilt for the bad things I've done, but why didn't that stop me in the first place? I don't know if this is all just an excuse and in reality I'm just an evil person. I hate this person I've become. I feel like anything good about me has gone away. :crying:

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi mirror image,

    Welcome to the site :wave:

    Sorry you're feeling so rubbish, have you spoken to anyone about how you're feeling?

    Maybe you could introduce yourself, there's a thread around here somewhere .... or tell us a little more about your depression?

    dp :heart:
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hey Mirror_Image,

    Welcom to TheSite.org, It's good you have posted about how you are feeling, maybe you could tell us a bit more about what is happening so we can support you more, are you feeling any better today? It seems like you have a lot of things on your mind which must be highly diffiult for you! *hug* Please do keep reaching out to us and getting support from somewhere people care, take care Mirror Image, lovely user name!

    DD :heart: x
  • AuroraAurora Posts: 11,722 An Original Mixlorian
    *hug* Sorry to hear about everything your going through *hug*
    Just wanted to say welcomee to TheSite.org!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I've massively fucked up, again. I feel like over the past 6 months or so, my level of depression has increased, to the point where I usually feel apathy towards most people, even the ones I'm supposed to love.

    I previously had a period of time where I was majorly depressed, and my coping mechanism was to close off my feelings. At the time, my girlfriend described me as emotionally dead. It was very difficult for her, as I'm completely unable to talk to her about this, and from the outside its so different.

    Now I feel like that damage to me was irreparable. I often genuinely worry about whether I'd be upset if a family member died. I feel so much guilt for the bad things I've done, but why didn't that stop me in the first place? I don't know if this is all just an excuse and in reality I'm just an evil person. I hate this person I've become. I feel like anything good about me has gone away. :crying:

    hey i have been where you are now you are not emotionally dead it just the best way you know how to cope . jsut thick that u are torcking to outers abut ur probles . ur are a great pursen u jsut need to work things out and try involveing ur gf in ur help that night open her eyes to what you are going tho coz it helped for me and it might work for you

    stay strong and rember you are allways loved*hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Lost

    I don't know who I am anymore either, not sure I ever knew. I'm 47 and going nowhere. I grew up in care and have spent my whole life trying to fit in somewhere. All I want is to be happy, be wanted, be loved, I tried to search for a faith that meant something, that didnt work, if go from one faith to another, never finding any real meaning in any of them. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell is that person looking back at me :(
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Amitola wrote: »
    I don't know who I am anymore either, not sure I ever knew. I'm 47 and going nowhere. I grew up in care and have spent my whole life trying to fit in somewhere. All I want is to be happy, be wanted, be loved, I tried to search for a faith that meant something, that didnt work, if go from one faith to another, never finding any real meaning in any of them. I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who the hell is that person looking back at me :(

    I'm sorry to hear that you feel like that but its polite on forums to start your own thread rather than hi-jacking someone elses as it tends to lead to confusing answers for the both of you
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I often genuinely worry about whether I'd be upset if a family member died. I feel so much guilt for the bad things I've done, but why didn't that stop me in the first place? I don't know if this is all just an excuse and in reality I'm just an evil person. I hate this person I've become. I feel like anything good about me has gone away. :crying:

    I've had these exact same moments of thought and reflection during my depression and I'm sure many others have. It really depends on how your depression manifested itself and what your coping mechanisms were. I have done things that I'm not proud of and that have led me to question who or what I am. Nothing criminal I might add, just things that have been damaging to both myself and those around me. I have pondered at times whether I have no conscience, whether I am a sociopath, etc etc. All of those thoughts have been rejected when I have been in more positive places in my life. I have also had complete emotional detachment to loved ones who have died, but then I see it as just another coping mechanism. I was not ready to deal with things of such gravity and therefore my mind made sure I didn't have to.

    Emotions don't tend to dissappear on a permanent basis, they just shut up shop for a while to maintain your ability to function at a basic level. Don't give up on yourself, this is not YOU, it's just a transitional phase of you that will make way once your mind is ready to face emotions again.
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