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General rant and stuff
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I wasn't really sure whether to post this here but I really need to 'talk' to someone.
Most of you have known me for a long time, and know I've never really been free of self-harming behaviours since I was about 14. By 24 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (after countless years of various therapies) and eventually set up with a care coordinator at my local CMHT and put on the waiting list for a specialist therapy.
I then went an buggered this up by trying to get on with my life and taking a place at the University of Oxford for a year. Since I've been here (October) I have had almost no support from the PCT. I had a bit of a disastrous appointment with a local service offering a sort of long-term therapy that I can't take up (because my course finishes in June) and despite being referred to them by my care coordinator in London back in September, I only saw a nurse at the CMHT last week. If I don't take up the long-term group therapy I'm being offered I have been told I'm not entitled to any other support. But evidence suggests that starting intensive group therapy and then leaving the group damages a person more than waiting. Besides which, what if the time needed for all the therapy sessions means I don't pass my degree? I'll have to leave anyway and I won't have what I came to Oxford for.
I have always relied on my friends' support but they've all become really distant recently and I don't have close friends in Oxford. The one person who's been dependable is moving to Australia on Tuesday.
I am sick of being told I'm not ill because I function. I am sick of being told my cuts are nothing because I've never had to have them closed at a hospital (I don't want to waste anyone's time so I spend most of my DLA on steristrips). I am sick of being told I don't have an eating disorder because I'm not thin.
I took 5 overdoses in the past twelve months, after three of which I went to A&E. If I hadn't gone I probably would have been seriously ill (at least) but because I did go I'm obviously not struggling enough to be given any real support.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't fighting against suicidal feelings and I know I'm as close to acting them out as I ever have been. My GP doesn't care, the mental health team don't believe me and I don't have any friends I can tell. I spend most of my time sat in my room hurting myself and getting behind on my work. I don't know how much longer I can do this
Most of you have known me for a long time, and know I've never really been free of self-harming behaviours since I was about 14. By 24 I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (after countless years of various therapies) and eventually set up with a care coordinator at my local CMHT and put on the waiting list for a specialist therapy.
I then went an buggered this up by trying to get on with my life and taking a place at the University of Oxford for a year. Since I've been here (October) I have had almost no support from the PCT. I had a bit of a disastrous appointment with a local service offering a sort of long-term therapy that I can't take up (because my course finishes in June) and despite being referred to them by my care coordinator in London back in September, I only saw a nurse at the CMHT last week. If I don't take up the long-term group therapy I'm being offered I have been told I'm not entitled to any other support. But evidence suggests that starting intensive group therapy and then leaving the group damages a person more than waiting. Besides which, what if the time needed for all the therapy sessions means I don't pass my degree? I'll have to leave anyway and I won't have what I came to Oxford for.
I have always relied on my friends' support but they've all become really distant recently and I don't have close friends in Oxford. The one person who's been dependable is moving to Australia on Tuesday.
I am sick of being told I'm not ill because I function. I am sick of being told my cuts are nothing because I've never had to have them closed at a hospital (I don't want to waste anyone's time so I spend most of my DLA on steristrips). I am sick of being told I don't have an eating disorder because I'm not thin.
I took 5 overdoses in the past twelve months, after three of which I went to A&E. If I hadn't gone I probably would have been seriously ill (at least) but because I did go I'm obviously not struggling enough to be given any real support.
I don't remember a time when I wasn't fighting against suicidal feelings and I know I'm as close to acting them out as I ever have been. My GP doesn't care, the mental health team don't believe me and I don't have any friends I can tell. I spend most of my time sat in my room hurting myself and getting behind on my work. I don't know how much longer I can do this
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the level of service i have received from my CMHT since transferring from CAMHS (which wasn't that great either) four years ago has been shambolic, and i haven't even moved areas. i know so badly how it feels to think you're not being taken seriously and that because you get on with life instead of sitting at home like a vegetable you must be ok. i've been passed between psychiatrists, therapists and CPNs like a parcel, i've been discharged, offered primary care that doesn't exist, been re-referred, been told they can't help, been told they can help, been told there's nothing wrong with me, been told i've got a personality disorder... it's just been an absolute disaster. i firmly believe that the only reason i'm currently in therapy is that i complained.
i wish i could make it better for you honey. i know we haven't spoken in ages but i do think you are a lovely person and if there's even the smallest thing i could do that would make things a bit easier then please please just say. be careful with yourself, lots of people love you.
*hug*
So, so many times people have told me that because I function, I'm fine. And I know plenty of others that this has happened to, too. Within 5 minutes you're written off because you went to lectures instead of staying in bed, despite the fact that you do nothing else and didn't pay attention in the lecture because you were too busy with your head.
Last year they cancelled my psychiatrist appointment without telling me, or writing to me so I turned up to be told it had been cancelled and kicked off. They actually didn't care. They then tried to offer me an appointment in 3 months' time (so 6 months from the last one) and I had to push for an 'emergency' appointment that was a month later. Who on earth has 'emergency' appointments a month later?!
Primary care baulked and tried to treat me, but it became evident that they didn't have the resources. So they referred me to the CMHT, where I was told that because it wasn't Bipolar or schizophrenia, I couldn't be treated because it wasn't severe and enduring, despite me having been ill since I was 11. The only reason I got therapy in the end was because I was about to go on my year abroad and it was evidently not a good idea to send me out here without that. Primary care told me of having a CPN, yet despite them all working out of the same office as the CMHT, they obviously don't know who offers what.
So I'm totally with you on this. If you haven't got a few years to sit around on waiting lists, then you get nothing (and even then you may still not...). It's actually terrible. I had to try and explain to a German doctor over here about my care, and she couldn't comprehend. Due to everything being semi private, you can see who you want, when you want and it's all covered by the health insurance/govt. She was totally baffled about waiting for therapy and to see a psychiatrist - here you're passed on straight away to an expert. There are many things I dislike about the German health system, but they have got one thing right: you're seen when you need to be.
ive been told theres no real problem because my cuts aren't deep enough
despite them only seeing cuts that are weeks old and half healed!
God knows what ill be told when people find out i "overdosed" but it probably wont count as i only took 5, and stopped myself, and got help for myself.
Nobody, not even my mother, will be or is proud that im working to get better and trying to get help.
sorry just turned this into my own little rant here now x
Have you tried talking to the university counselling service or the college nurse? I know there's a side that says you're well beyond that kind of basic level of stuff, but sometimes with the university being so dominant in city centre life and health provision they can come up with useful things, or carry enough clout to get alternatives offered.
xx
My college doesn't have a nurse, I'm at a PPH.
Might be worth making gentle enquiries about the counselling services - bits of Oxbridge aren't as stretched as other universities, something to do with being old and well funded........
Sounds like you're doing a really good job on keeping your course on track though, so well done you for that one.
As for counselling services, I think it depends on the Uni. Ours is definitely overstretched but the head counsellor specialises in eating disorders and self harm, so they do tend to be good. But for long term care needs they're no good because they generally can't and won't see you for years. That's a job for the CMHT.
The only friend I talk to about this at the moment moved to Australia this afternoon so I feel a bit lonely today. Been so low and ineffective over the last couple of weeks that I'm suddenly really behind on my work.
I suppose I should probably be trying to do it rather than just complaining about it.
I just got a letter from the CMHT saying that the Complex Needs Service are best placed to support me, but the Complex Needs Service agree with me that the treatment they offer (long-term group therapy) is inappropriate to start if I'm leaving in June.
I just want to curl up in a ball and cry, and it's the anniversary of my Grandad's death (last year) so I was already feeling shit.
Lots and lots of hugs.
is there anyone near you that you can go talk to? or anything you can do to stay busy- make a cake? watch a funny film?
If it's very deep I think you may need to go ask someone for help *hug*
Edit: With hindsight this comment may be somewhat triggering so I've removed it.
I'm ok.
Sounds like you are doing the right thing. How long has it been bleeding for?
x x x
Who else can teach me cabling?!