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The reason I came back.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Please excuse any spelling mistakes, I'm on a smartphone and the predictive text is random at best.
The reason I came back? I'm lonely, I don't know what to do about it, and I wanted someone to talk to.
It's worse than normal as, for several boring reasons, wife and baby are away and the house is empty. When they're at home I'm able to forget how few people I know in this city and how I barely have anyone to go for a drink or a coffee with. I'm able to forget how much that hurts. How much I'd love to have people to go out with, to stop being a husband and a father and be an iced bread product instead.
Please don't suggest the usual "join a club", I'm a big boy now and I know all that. The problem, basically, is that I have no faith that people would actually want anything to do with me. So I'm always really cold and distant with strangers; I can normally strike up a conversation but I never ever let it get past that. I don't even let them turn into acquaintances because that's too close for comfort.
The reason I came back? I'm lonely, I don't know what to do about it, and I wanted someone to talk to.
It's worse than normal as, for several boring reasons, wife and baby are away and the house is empty. When they're at home I'm able to forget how few people I know in this city and how I barely have anyone to go for a drink or a coffee with. I'm able to forget how much that hurts. How much I'd love to have people to go out with, to stop being a husband and a father and be an iced bread product instead.
Please don't suggest the usual "join a club", I'm a big boy now and I know all that. The problem, basically, is that I have no faith that people would actually want anything to do with me. So I'm always really cold and distant with strangers; I can normally strike up a conversation but I never ever let it get past that. I don't even let them turn into acquaintances because that's too close for comfort.
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I don't know how to let people in. On here it's not so bad but in real life it is horrendous. I'm a borderline so it goes beyond building self esteem, it's more that that.
Just how the hell do I change?
I often feel like im not close enough to enough people, but im going to try and develop some of the friendships ive got - new years res!
I have, what some people would class as, a really good friend. However, I end up distancing myself from her because I don't really want them to see the real me. And this is what I am always like with people. Real life friendships are hard for me. It comes so easily to some but for me, and you, they are really difficult.
My advice would be to go out. Not join a club or whatever but just leave the house. Lonliness can manifest into other things. Yes, it's nice to see you back and stuff but if you just dig deep into a hole it may end up being difficult to climb out. Even if it's just a 20 minute walk to the shop for milk, make sure you get out.
I know that's the trite advice that you didn't want, sorry
this. you were missed when you left. I don't have anything useful to say coz you have said it's beyond building self esteem, and i don't know any other ways to get past the belief you say you have except to say that you are wrong really and there is lots to like about you
Sorry to hear you are feeling lonely at the moment. It seems that when your family are home, they are distraction, but you are conscious that you do not have a circle of your own friends to socialise with.
Seems you want to have people around you, but you are not prepared to let people get close to you. Almost like a fear of rejection. Self-esteem is obviously an issue here as you said, but perhaps there are small things you can do every day to make yourself feel better (exercise, cooking, hobbies etc) and hence feel more open to making new friendships and have more faith in people? Does it have to be friends you socialise with? What about family? Could you re-establish any waned relationships there?
How about setting yourself a new goal? You could look into your family history and trace it back? This may offer up new opportunities to meet distant family members? Are there any parent groups that you attend when your baby is home? Often these are great places to meet other like-minded people.
Changing how you feel about yourself and the people around you is not going to happen over night - but small positive steps in the right direction will get you there.
Take care and keep posting
You're not alone in feeling like this. People assume that, because you have a family, you cannot eve feel lonely. If only they knew...
^ that's how I feel and what I do too. Yeah I know loads of people, but how many of them know "me". One at most and they're loosing interst/lives have changed.
I recommend random walking. How about a pet too?! I find they help, unconditional love, don't judge you etc etc.
I think forums and stuff have been a lifeline for me since i had children, because it allows me to interact with people when i wouldnt be able to normally because of limitations on my freedom.
I was thinking about how I've made friends with people. I'm not sure how much of this is relevant as I don't have children so I realise it must be harder. I don't have any friends from school or even university really, I think I messed up those relationships due to my BPD. Friends I do have are from my GAP year, an ex-work collegue, friends from my pub quiz team and friends that were originally my boyfriend's friends and a few others, mostly friends of friends. I think the pub quiz was a really good way of making friends as there was a quiz going on so the conversation naturally was guided around these questions rather than more uncomfortable questions about myself. Then by going back every week I could reveal small things about myself at my own rate until a proper friendship was formed. I met my boyfriend through the pub quiz too although we became friends and it took about 3 years for us to actually get together.
Can you make friends through your daughter? Like make friends with other parents from groups she is involved with? Maybe she is still too young for this but as she gets older it might be a possibility.
I do go out, but then when I'm there I just hide away in a corner and then scuttle off. Whether it is taking baba into town on a Saturday morning or whatever, I don't sit in the house. I'm a member of the council gym so I do gym and sauna and swimming, with a lot of success in terms of weight loss, but again it's a solitary thing. My wider family are 130 miles away so I see them infrequently and the few friends I do have from Uni are scattered to the four winds so I see them even less.
When I go to Church it is the same, and whilst I should look into parents groups here (the Sure Start centre is pretty much opposite my house, ffs) I'm too scared to go, in all honesty. I hate small talk in my private life, I hate networking professionally, and I'm inept at it.
I know what the issue is- I mostly see myself as fat and boring and stupid and ugly- but I'm stumped with a solution. Mostly just wanted to whinge.
Oh hello, I think you might be me! There was absolutely zero chance I was going to go to a group with people who (I assumed) all knew each other, even if I did have a baby to hide behind. But at the same time I was feeling really isolated and cabin-feverish, especially when the new baby visitors started to die off and it was just us at home all day staring at each other.
In the end I went on the 'meet a mum' bit of netmums and was just upfront about wanting to make friends but being too much of a chicken shit to just turn up at a group. Someone who actually lives round the corner and has a baby almost the same age got in touch and asked if I wanted to walk up to one of the groups with her. That was loads less scary, and I ended up finding other groups and other friends from that. Now I get invited all over the place, and while there's still the part of me that thinks 'they're only inviting me to be polite, they don't really want me there', but I'm doing my best to ignore it, and it seems to be working. And when you move in baby circles you've got a common interest, so there's always something to talk about.
It's not always a bite the bullet situation. Sometimes there's an easy way in.
Funnily enough I did go to a meeting over Christmas, with Ella and baba. And I was such a quite little mouse- probably not helped by the fact I was driving not drinking and I had a stonking cold, but still. I went away feeling >.< big and so on.
Unfortunately I don't think there's an easy solution here, though. You just have to know you're not the only one, realise that voice in your head is lying to you, and try to put your stubborn head on every now and again and refused to be scared by yourself.
I'm pretty crap at meeting new people as i have zero small talk and i didn't do NCT which it turns out everyone else did so they bingo have a group of ready made friends - but i have made a few through perseverance and now the thought of moving to a new area is really hard
xx
I just want to curl up and hide but I have to go home and pretend to baby that everything's lovely. I can't do it. I can't do anything properly.
as always, you know where i am. x
I have discussed things briefly with my priest, and my Church does have a counselling service, so I intend to approach them. I might go back to the doctors as Prozac turns my emotions off and that's bloody tempting at the minute, but I need to weigh up the risks of that.
There are many parents who have mental health issues, though so there shouldn't be any repercussions. I've had issues recently and my doc has been supportive and there has been no hint of even health visitors interfering. They will only interfere is they truly believe that babba is at risk and there is no evidence of that from what you have said here.
If your doc is supportive on other issues then my advice would be to bite the bullet and go and see them.
Yes, I can completely understand and relate to that but sometimes, as you well know, you just have to bite the bullet.
What made me go back to the docs this time round was my daughter. I went there because she didn't deserve to have an unhappy mummy. Use your own daughter as the inspiration to push your boundaries.
And, for what it's worth - you are not a failure. You are human. And just having a rough patch. It happens to the best of us
Don't just write it off as randoms on the internet, this is a good place to come, a place where we can all share our most intimate thoughts, things we don't even share with people we know IRL - well that's certainly true of me and I guess it is for you. And for that reason people on here do care about you and your missus.
Take it easy fella. :thumb:
The failure would be to not seek help. You owe baba that, she needs her Daddy to be as healthy as possible. You know that though.
There is nothing wrong with seeking help, even after a long time.
just wanted to add my support and say i agree with the GP idea. its shit when you feel shit and you dont have the strength to pull yourself out of it.
try it out with gp and remember you can get through this bad patch, you've been through worse.
i know its easier said than done, im going through personal hell at the moment and its taken me a month to get myself to the doctor. but i went today and i feel better in myself knowing im doing everything to get out of it.
hope you feel better
Why not try convincing yourself otherwise, if your wife married you then obviously there are people out there who would want something to do with you, the fact that someone would even strike up a conversation is further proof of that. Plus plenty of people on here think you're worth talking to, back in the day I thought you were at least worth arguing with
If someone always speaks to you when they see you, just accept them as an acquaintence - you're not seeking anything from them, nor do you have to reveal anything about yourself, but even being on nodding or chatting terms with people would lighten your mood.
:yes:
we all need a little extra help sometimes
Do we ever. To put it in perspective, I had problems about 20 years ago. Fine until this year and it took me six months to ask for help again. Should never have waited because it's made me feel so much better.
When I remember to take the meds that is :banghead:
In fact, replying to this has made me remember I haven't done so yet today. :impissed: