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Online dating - frustrations
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I have emailed 2 people on this forum with my profile for advice but no reply back...
Anyway, I am starting to get a little depressed now. I went on a date with a girl about 2 months ago, was really good. But she has cancelled meeting since then 3 times (even before 1st date she cancelled twice). She has told me she has a lot of self esteem issues about her body, but she looks fine. But I cant tell if shes telling the truth. I get the usual reasons, like someone close has been taken to hospital etc, shes not feeling well.
Im getting very pissed off with these cancelled dates. Why would you agree to meet up with someone then cancel? To summarise my online dating fail over last 3 years (with cancelled dates).
1) Girl 1 (above) has cancelled on me 5 times
2) Girl 2 cancelled on me 4 times over the past year. We have never met, and now she has a boyfriend. Im surprised she didnt cancel HIS date - they met online.
3) Girl 3 cancelled on me 8 times a few years ago. Yes you read that right 8 times. We never met and she is now engaged.
So im wondering what am I doing wrong, if anything? I am starting to believe this is all my fault, - there must be some reason if people keep not wanting to meet me. I feel very unlove and unattractive. I would never cancel on a date unless extremely necessasry. If I told someone my stories about those women cancelling dates (espeically the woman who did it 8 times) they would laugh, and think I am joking or pulling the leg. Or realise i am totally serious and regard me as "weak"
As ive touched upon earlier, I have very few friends and those "friends" never introduce me to people/invite me out with their friends, so I have to rely on using online dating so meet women. AT the age of 24, ive used onliine dating for 5 years (in single periods of course) so Im almost a veteran lol
Anyway, I am starting to get a little depressed now. I went on a date with a girl about 2 months ago, was really good. But she has cancelled meeting since then 3 times (even before 1st date she cancelled twice). She has told me she has a lot of self esteem issues about her body, but she looks fine. But I cant tell if shes telling the truth. I get the usual reasons, like someone close has been taken to hospital etc, shes not feeling well.
Im getting very pissed off with these cancelled dates. Why would you agree to meet up with someone then cancel? To summarise my online dating fail over last 3 years (with cancelled dates).
1) Girl 1 (above) has cancelled on me 5 times
2) Girl 2 cancelled on me 4 times over the past year. We have never met, and now she has a boyfriend. Im surprised she didnt cancel HIS date - they met online.
3) Girl 3 cancelled on me 8 times a few years ago. Yes you read that right 8 times. We never met and she is now engaged.
So im wondering what am I doing wrong, if anything? I am starting to believe this is all my fault, - there must be some reason if people keep not wanting to meet me. I feel very unlove and unattractive. I would never cancel on a date unless extremely necessasry. If I told someone my stories about those women cancelling dates (espeically the woman who did it 8 times) they would laugh, and think I am joking or pulling the leg. Or realise i am totally serious and regard me as "weak"
As ive touched upon earlier, I have very few friends and those "friends" never introduce me to people/invite me out with their friends, so I have to rely on using online dating so meet women. AT the age of 24, ive used onliine dating for 5 years (in single periods of course) so Im almost a veteran lol
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As your original post was from back in April I'm going to use this one to create a new thread and you should get some more replies that way
It sounds really frustrating to have all these cancellations but it may not be through fault of your own. The nature of online dating can be very hit and miss but if you're willing to persist it may be worth it in the end.
You mention that the friends you do have don't invite you out much, could you think about other ways or places to meet new people. Do you have any hobbies or interests or have you ever thought about doing some volunteering? Taking yourself out of your usual social circles may help to boost your confidence and to meet new people.
Having other things to focus on may also help in not putting so much pressure on the dates and being able more easily to shrugg them off when they don't work out?
You aren't restricted to internet dating even if your social life is shit. What about work, or going to a bar or club yourself? Shit, even in public you can pull, I've had numerous women come on to me while just standing waiting for a bus or train. Just try giving a smile or something, you might be surprised.
Most women are in their late 30-50s at work with families so no point trying it on there
I do want more of a social life as I have struggled ot make friends. I am hoping to move out early next year with strangers around my age.
Yeah there is something wrong because they are cancelling far too many times (its becoming a sad joke for me), but why would they agree to meet up again? That is really strange, if they were not interested, surely they would say no? But whose fault does it lie with the cancelling?
I am confused!
Sometimes things just come up and sometimes people are unlucky. Sometimes there are circumstances beyond that person's control which mean they don't have a choice but to cancel.
I know it's shit, though. I've been waiting about six months to see one person because of all of the above (and also because I'm kinda busy as well, but mostly that stuff).
However, what rings true for me may not be the case for you. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. Failure comes not from never falling down, but from never picking yourself up.
Basically, don't worry about it. Though I agree with Sliffie; two chances max. If they're interested, they will suggest an alternative time and date. If not, they weren't that interested and are clearly not worth the effort.
The problem is if they were not interested, why would they continually agree to meet and then cancel. Do you think its possible they do want to meet and then keep changing their minds (e.g nerves?)
I dont think so personally. As I mentioned in the 1st post, the lady who cancelled 8 times is now engaged and another lady has a boyfriend now. But I havent heard of anyone else being canelled a ridiculous amount of times as I have. Is it my fault?
It does make me ages to get any sort of reply on a dating site (on average one every 4-6 months). Wheresas other people I know get more success and even women messaging them first, which has never happened to me
Emergencies, not feeling well etc (a cold which has lasted for a month? And she went out on new years eve? come on...) My point is how many emergencies coincendently happen on the day of a date or before. How come I have NEVER cancelled a date before.
It depends, if she's putting off seeing you constantly, I can see what you mean, but if you've only arranged stuff a couple of times I'd give her another chance.
She kept changing her story and I dont believe. SO I got messed about again
Ive got a date tonight with someone who lives closer and have spoken on the phone twice for about an hour. I hope it goes well and if it does, I hope she will not mess me about lol. I see a pattern emerging. From one girl to another, they are each taking me for a ride. It doesnt matter if they meet with me or not, its the same story. They are not honest and have no heart to tell me they are not intersted.
As someone once told me , I truely have the worst luck with women!
If you expect to be messed around you will be messed around. If someone perceives that they can take liberties then often they will take liberties. If people cancel on you and don't provide a pretty damn good explanation, don't keep messaging them as you then look desperate. If they cancel, message them saying you're sorry they couldn't make it but leave it up to them to get back to you and propose a date. If they're interested they probably will, if they don't they're probably not.
Equally, if you expect to have an amazing time with the girl of your dreams, you'll be disappointed and disappointment equals depression. The best way of looking at a date is a good opportunity to have a nice evening out with a new and exciting person. If you really hit it off then that's fantastic news and if you don't then hey, you've still had a good evening. If you put too much stall on one date then you'll be so desperate to do everything perfectly that you won't be yourself, you won't relax, and the person they were interested in won't turn up to the date.
Dating isn't about luck, it is about showing someone the best side of you. It's about relaxing and seeing what happens. If someone doesn't want you as a boyfriend they might still want you as a friend, or as an occasional coffee buddy. People don't fall in love on a first date. They certainly don't when the date they're meeting is so terrified of fucking up that they never do anything at all.
It's easier said than done, but keep getting out there and see what happens. If you can relax about the date and set yourself realistic objectives, then you may well find you have more success. Best of luck.
Ive had this comment quite a few times in the past - that im a great nice person but not their type. So i wonder what I should be doing next. There must be someone out there who is attracted to me and actually will give me a chance.
I now feel sad and lonely again
EDIT: A work colleague has suggested i should look for "casual dating" or friends with beneifts as she says at least I wont get messed about that way, it does what it says on the tin. Im getting a tad tempted because I do miss sex and in my past relationships there has been very little sex (one of my exes was asexual - just to give you a little introduction). So do you think this could be a good idea. But surely if i can t meet anyone to date, then its going to be tougher to find a friends with benefits
It'll happen a lot with internet dating, the person you chat to on the webs can be, and usually is, quite different from the mental picture you've built up of them.
I know a few people, myself included, who've managed to find relationships from teh interwebs so it can and does work.
It's easy for me to say not to lose heart over it, but it's true. She was one person out of millions who doesn't want it to go any further. So what ? There are plenty of people who'd be interested in you it's just finding them, which can be a right pain in the arse at times.
Maybe concentrate more of socialising in the real world and put the net stuff on a back burner for a bit. You can always come back to it.
Unfortunately this does not happen regularly enough for me. It usually is one women, and then it can take weeks to get another email reply from someone else. Also women never ever email me first, its always me doing the chasing. There was another girl I have been talking to recently but when I suggested we swapped mobile numbers (this was about a week ago) she replied today saying she isnt a good phone person and prefers meeting in person so she is going to leave it as it is, and then mentions she has starting seeing someone.
It seems to be the people who i was talking to but have never met (mostly the ones who messed me about) are now in a relationship or even engaged and of course this makes me feel down.
As someone else has said your expectations are setting you up for a fall. I have a friend who keps doing something similar - meets a nice lady, goes on a date or two, gets overly excited about the possibility of something coming from it then gets let down when it doesn't work out like that.
I guess its down to attitude and only you can change that. These ladies aren't taking you for a ride, things just aren't clicking between you and them. Theres nothing evil or malicious about that, its perfectly normal and natural when meeting new people.
I wonder sometimes too that if you go into a dating scenario with your kind of attitude that people can pick up on it and it puts them off?
Can you explain exactly what you mean when you refer to 'the ones who messed me about'?
The women who pretend to be interested and wanting to meet up and then cancel the meeting all the time. E.g. the woman who cancelled 8 times on me, another woman who cancelled 5 times.
Or a woman might cancel once and you would never hear from them for about 5 months and they will resurface having a boyfriend. After they said they had changed their mind of dating and not looking to date anyone.
All these have happened to me
If someone is out in the scene dating then shock horror they might actually just find themselves a partner! I don't think that means theyre messing any one about!
Well of course they are happy to date anyone but what I dont like is if they say they are not wanting to date anyone (as a reason for not dating me) and then a little while later they are in a relationship or engaged.
Ha! I wish. I'm in such a mess right now, you wouldn't even believe
It was working, though, and it works very well for a friend of mine who has three or four girls on the go (myself sort of included, although that's kind of fizzled out before I got the chance to meet him), one of whom he's recently got very attached to.
My general philosophy right now is 'go with it'. I'm not making any more moves on any new people at the moment because I'm pretty happy with Boy, but I'm not going to say no if someone awesome comes along and wants to meet me, because Boy is alright with it (not 100% happy, but he would rather have me in this capacity than not at all, and he's not willing for us to be 'official' yet, so *shrug*) as long as it doesn't stop me from seeing him (which is fair, imo). Since last week I've come to the conclusion that no matter what the content of the conversation you've been having with people, you should never go into meeting someone with the expectation of something happening. It only leads to disappointment and, if you're anything like me and get attached very easily, getting yourself hurt.
Honesty is key if you're going to do this, though. When I first met Not-Boy, he was aware that there was somebody else potentially in the picture and from then on I tried to make everybody I spoke to aware of the situation. This doesn't always work out in my favour (one of the people I was really rather into has since decided that it's too weird for him and it makes me very sad, and there is also Weirdoboy who likes to tell me how he's got all these feelings for me even though he knew from the offset that we could only ever be friends if he wasn't comfortable with me seeing other people, not that I would, anyway, because he's not really my type, physically), but it means that people can make the choice before they get in too deep, because for some bizarre reason, people seem to fall for me far too quickly and far, far too often.
One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you, jamjam, as a dating site veteran, is that it's very obvious when people are only interested in one thing. It's very obvious when people are desperate, and it's very obvious when you've just seen a pretty face and gone 'ooooh pretty!'. I'm not saying you do do that, but one of my biggest pet peeves is people who message me with something I have specifically said in my profile will make me ignore them. If you're not going to be interested in what she has to say from the outset, you're not going to get anywhere. One of my good friends has a line hidden in his profile which says, 'Put 'laser' in the subject of your message', which I think is a pretty good idea.
What you also have to remember is that the ratio of boys to girls on those sites is severely skewed in the girl's favour. Girls can pick and choose who they reply to for any reason whatsoever, because there are probably 20 or 30 guys for every one girl on that site. They can afford to be as picky as they want, and if they don't reply, it's not necessarily anything personal, it just means that there was another guy who matched what she was looking for a bit better. Ditto with meeting, you'll find that people will NEVER meet your expectations when you meet them for the first time. Not-Boy was a lot more awkward (as a person, the date wasn't that awkward) than I expected, Boy was a lot easier for me to get on with, and other people it's just been different to how I imagined it to be. People are never going to be the person you've built them up to be in your head.
Last thing: Girls will fob you off, yeah. But don't just assume that that's what they've done just because they say you aren't their type. Even if they've said they don't HAVE a type (I don't), they do have a NOT their type (definitely true for me), and if they're anything like me, they're very, very picky about the people they choose to meet up with.
....essay over, sorry
The bolded bits tell me a lot about you. Now, there's nothing wrong with being nice. The average girl doesn't stick around with guys who are total assholes. It sounds like you're coming off as too nice, though. Girls like guys who are nice enough, but not doormats. For instance, telling her she looks nice in that dress is perfectly fine. Talking for several minutes about how gorgeous she is and how insanely lucky you are to be with her on a regular basis will make her feel smothered and she will start to lose interest. I know, I've been there. xP
The fact that you'll let a girl cancel on you 8 times and not stop making advances at some point in there also paints that picture. Assert yourself, don't let these girls walk all over you. If they're going to cancel on you every time, you don't need to keep clinging to them and hoping that the 10th time is the charm. If you take charge a little more, girls are going to respond to that. Nice is fine, but you may need to step up to the plate a little more.
They're not messing you about though- you just won't get the hint. If someone cancels a date on you five, six, seven times then the simple honest truth is that they're really just not that into you. If they were that into you they'd have met you by now, they'd have found the time.
If someone is cancelling on you that many times then you need to face facts.
Some of this also depends on the dating website you're using. If you're using a reputable one, like match.com or (better still) OK Cupid, then they're probably just being too polite to tell you to get bent. But if you're on one of the less reputable sites (websites specialising in 'adult liaisons' are apperently the worst for this) then it could well be that the women are not genuine at all. Some dating websites have stooges there to get men to keep paying their subs- you can normally spot them a mile off.
If you're a guy on a pay website then you're more likely to be scammed for your subs by the website owner. Conversely, if you're a girl on a free website you're more likely to get spammed by an assortment of weird men sending photos of their member to you.
But things like type and" spark" can also relate to physical attraction or appearance. Which wouldnt surprise me. I am far from a good looking guy, at best very average and worst a little ugly.
But I am someone who actually hardly ever gives out compliments to anyone, let alone women, though I can appreciate that would annoy people if they got it all the time. So I definitely did not do anything wrong there. I would have liked to have flirted more, but I dont know how to flirt unless Ive had a few drinks.
The compliments where I have got from women (who say I would make a great boyfriend or husband) are actually a little annoying. I think its odd for a guy at 24 to have been told by 2 women that I would make a great husband...Im not looking to settle down and get married now!
I can bet any money I have received more compliments than the guys who actually have success in dating and relationships. I doubt any of their femaile friends would reassure those guys that they would make a good boyfriend, because deep down they fancy them or know that they will not be single for long. So I dont take those compliments seriously at all, they are misleading. Also if a guy receives all these compliments - then surely he should be flooded with all these offers from women? Not so!
I would prefer 1 compliment from 1 woman and some success and interest than showered all these compliments by different women, but nothing changes. If someone tells me one more time I would make a good great fantastic amazing boyfriend or husband I will call them out on it and ask them "why don't you date me then!". I would love to find out their answer
It seems like you are defending these women! All I want is some honesty , if they are not interested then it would be nice if they actually told me. But if they were not interested - why would they continue to agree to meet up?
Maybe they don’t want to hurt your feelings. Let’s be honest growing up we are always told to be polite etc, it’s not surprising that there are very few women who would actually say a simple 'No I don’t like you'. Is it possible that you are coming across as being too sensitive. Maybe they think that by telling you they don’t want to see you, you will get upset. I’m not saying that I agree with it, don’t get me wrong, I think it’s totally unfair to keep stringing someone along like that. But just because you don’t go around handing out compliments every two seconds doesn’t mean you don’t come off as being too nice. I mean, if I had cancelled on a girl 8 times and yet still she wanted to meet, I would be thinking either, 'Omg you’re such a pushover' or 'Bloody hell how desperate are you' or 'if I tell you to go away now, are you going to start crying on me'.
If someone cancels on you again, just be like, ok, that's fine let me know when you have time and then don’t contact them again. Wait to see if they contact you, if they want to meet you then they will. If they don’t then they don’t. It’s not like you are actually losing something. And that way you don’t come off as being needy but you don’t seem rude either.
Alex.
If you keep asking them out, then a lot of people will say yes, to shut you up as much as anything. People are generally polite and won't be rude to your face if they can avoid it; they will generally just behave in such a way that they hope you will get the hint.
If they're constantly asking you out then cancelling, then I'd suggest you're probably on a dating website with a lot of stooges.
But either way, it doesn't matter what the motivation of those people is. If they are constantly and consistently cancelling on you then you need to take the hint.
I would also say that your lack of "success" has far more to do with your whingey, desperate attitude than anything else. If you go into dates with the same attitude you're posting on this thread, it is little wonder that people will not be interested. People don't want to deal with someone who's miserable with a misplaced sense of entitlement, they want a bit of fun on a date. You need to lower your expectations from "woman of your dreams" to "pleasant evening out" and stop demanding that every woman who dates you should want to be your lover. Life ain't like that.
Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes x 10000000
This is why I find Weirdoboy to be...well...weird. He keeps insisting that when I meet him I'm going to change my mind about him, and it's making me massively uncomfortable because a) he's building me up to be someone I'm not and b) I don't WANT to have expectations of a date except that we're going to have a good day. I'm just as happy to go on 'dates' where nothing happens but I have a good time as I am to have dates where I go back to his house and end up naked and giving him head within four hours of meeting him. Er...not that that...er...ever happened :angel:.
Stop expecting things from people. Stop feeling like they owe it to you to like you and go on dates with you. Stop being put out when people don't like you. I've had plenty of guys not reply to my messages, and you know what I did? I shrugged it off and figured that I'm probably not what they were looking for and move on from it. I've had people cancel on me, I've had people avoid me, and I've had people put things off and put things off and put things off (for six months :yeees: ) til I got massively frustrated. I know how it feels. But I just got on with it. Because there's no point dwelling on something you can't change.
P.S. Go find David/Arctic Roll's rant on 'nice boys'. You'll find it very enlightening, I'm sure.
This one?