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It's still true mind.
:yippe: :yippe: Never a truer word spoken! FINALLY a guy who gets it! Ive been trying to explain it to guys for ages. Maybe next time i'll just get them to read it
It amuses me that when I vent about boys to Weirdoboy (which is not as often as that sentence would imply), he goes 'you deserve better! I'd never do that!'
And I just think, is it not an indication that the fact that they frustrate me sometimes is a good thing, given that I want to have relationships/sexing/whatever with them, and not with YOU? I LIKE IT when people are a little bit mean to me, because I've DONE the thing where they do everything I want and it's SO BORING.
I think it is a shame when women put up with men who treat them like chattels, or who play the treat 'em mean games. Partially because no man should make you upset but mostly because, whilst the drama may be interesting for them, for all their friends it is REALLY REALLY BORING.
But saying no to women sometimes, or putting your foot down and doing what you want sometimes, is definitely a very very good thing.
I have not mentioned anywhere that I am entitled to anything or am expecting the woman of my dreams. Its just a date - however some honesty if the person actually likes me or not is something I do expect (but thats nothing out of the ordinary - basic human trait), which usually comes before the date - which is where most if not all the problems are stemming from.
I am also far from miserable on dates!
If i had the odd 1 or 2 cancelled dates and plenty of other dates where I went out and either went well or not, then I would not be this frustrated. But at the moment, the roles are reversed, most of the women who i have talked to do not even get to the date stage , even if there are plans to meet up. It just does not happen.
If the roles were reversed and a women wanted to meet me, but I was not interested, I would not keep saying yes and never plan to meet them. Ive always treated people how I want to be treated. I have never ever cancelled a date before, whereas I have been cancelled many times with the same excuses.
Anyway I believe meeting people in day to day situations could work out better for me. It would be cool to meet someone who really fancy the pants off me, but being not so good looking makes it tough. Im also thinking of taking a long break from online dating, and maybe looking to meet people for something casual (it has been suggested by someone I should try that!)
Nonsense.
Having no confidence in your own ability and personality makes it tough. Expecting people to find you ugly makes it tough.
well it doesnt always work, in my experience the guys i have to talked online end up with a diff girl before you even get the chance to meet them
then theres the ones who meet you once and don't talk to you again..
but every now and again there is someone good
Your online profile and your first couple of dates are basically about you advertising yourself to the other person- you're clean, you're personable, you listen, you know how to have a conversation, you have good table manners. Some people will adore what they see, some people will detest what they see, but most people will be fairly ambivalent, at least at first. Go into it with those sorts of expectations and you'll probably find life easier.
If you go into it expecting a good evening with a new person, and nothing more, then you can relax more. And if you're relaxed, you come across far better and you'll end up being better at promoting yourself.
I for one met a guy I really really fancy/like through online dating (see my fuck buddy thread) he is a v attrative 25 yr old male who I love talking to and spending time with but he is using the online dating site to pick up as many girls as possible which given his good looks he is finding v easy it seems. He even admitted himself that if he got into a relationship with any girl from the site he would still be tempted to keep messaging others.
SO annoying. People just aren't always genuine online and unfortunately people lie.
Right now I have another guy who has been constantly messaging me for months trying to get me to date him, he is a nice guy but I just don't fancy him and he is far too much of a "nice guy" for me to ever see him as potential boyfriend material. I don't want to hurt him and am fast running out of excuses that let him down gently. I told him I'm not looking for a relationship which is what he wants from me not just casual dating but he still persists. The chemistry and attraction just isn't there for me. I don't wanna tell him that though as it sounds mean.
Maybe these girls are like me.......they genuinely like you as a person but just don't feel that thing that makes you wanna be with someone but they don't want to hurt you by telling you that. I have also had people tell me there is no spark with me and them so not just you. It's way of world. Everyone likes different people and looks for different qualities. You need to try not to take it personally, get back on the horse and keep looking til you find the girl for you - maybe go out clubbing/socialising onstead of dating online as you will know straight away if the other person is into you that way. Love hurts my friend, if it was easy it wouldn't be worth it when you find it.
Yeah it sure does. But I dont want to go my whole life (well at least the next 5 years) being unhappy and single and being told the spark or chemistry is not there. And I know how important physical attractrion is at first, so what hope is there for a guy who is not attractive?
Also as I mentioned I am now considering casual dating (well the prospect of it). Fuck buddies, friends with benefits - whatever you call it. At least no one can get messed about by false hopes and both people know where they stand.
So how does a guy in my situation even meet someone who could be a friends with benefits or fuck buddy? I dont know how it works for other people but for me I think its gonna take a lot of effort. At the end of the day, for relationship or no strings, they still need to find you physically attractive.
I think you are being really courageous by putting yourself out there. Sure there are times where you might feel unsure about a girl's intentions or interest, but don't let this discourage you! You seem to put yourself down a lot and your lack of confidence might be a bigger factor here.
As CptCoatHanger says;
Try and be more comfortable with who you are as a person and that will show on the outside too.
Also, as Arctic Roll and frankipanda suggests, the idea of going on a date simply expecting a friendship and nothing more does take that pressure off;
It is time to give yourself some more credit here. Finding someone takes time, and attractiveness is subjective. Whether you think you are good looking or not, it takes meeting a lot of different girls to find those special connections.
Keep trying though and Good luck. Venting always helps too
As the previous poster stated attractiveness is subjective and there will always be people who don't find you attractive and people who do. I agree that if you feel more confident it will show and confidence is a very attractive quality sometimes.
To be honest if I have a really good connection with someone on a personality level I will start to really find them attractive even if I didn't beforehand so great looks are not everything hun.
I don't really know how most people would go about getting into a fuck buddy situation. I got into the situation a bit randomly-went on a date with a guy I fancied the pants off of and slept together. He said he couldn't commit but I liked him so much I continued sleeping with him as I liked being close to him and then it just kinda turned into a sex only thing.
Also as someone who is in a Fuckbuddy situation I would advise you not to go down that route unless you are someone who can completely seperate sex from emotion. I for one am finding it very difficult right now and am wishing I hadn't got involved with mine as I have fallen for him big time and he has no interest in being my boyfriend.
Don't put yourself down hun, you will find someone who appreciates how great you are, never give up hope x
But how much do you think luck plays a part? E.g. Ive been told lots of time its me choosing the wrong women but online its very difficult to know because they all start off nice and friendly. Whereas some people can go on dates and not get messed about at all (even if it doesnt go further) for me its a challenge!
e.g. someone I know went on a date yesterday with a girl he met online who is a couple of years older. They have been speaking for a while and there was suppoisldy an instant connection online. She even convinced him to cancel his dating account and she did hers as well becuase she thought they were going to get on great in person. And they did, he had a 5 hour date yesterday with her which supposidly went excellent and there was kissing involved and he said it was amazing the attraction in person. He is meeting her again today.
And then compared to my situation from my date a couple of months ago. The lady cancelled twice, then we met up had an 8 hour date which was fantastic and went as well as the other persons date yesterday (talking for hours, kissing). Then what happened? She continued to cancel more after saying she really enjoyed the date and wanted to meet up again, she now has a boyfriend.
So this is why I mentioned about the "luck" factor. I think the difference is in my case, it was me messaging and chasing the girl but with the other guy, the woman messaged him first, arranged to meet up etc...
Im still confused about the friends with benefits situation but I am considering it because its something new to me and also I do miss sex a lot! (even if Im not greatly experienced at it). But who with is the question as I dont have any female friends who I can ask or casusally hint.
As for whether finding a spark comes down to "luck", I'm not so sure. To an extent, perhaps, but generally you make your own luck.
If you're frightened or desperate you will inevitably hide aspects of your personality and you will try to act like you think they want you to, rather than how you want to. If you go into a date hiding things you don't give the other person much to connect with. If you go into a date trying to be someone you're not you look fake, and the other person won't want to connect with you.
If you relax and show your true colours, people are far more likely to connect with you. You'll give them more to connect with, for starters. And the best way of relaxing is to have more realistic expectations from a date- nearly everyone you meet WON'T fall madly in love with you on a first date. It does happen, but it is very rare, and if you go into a date expecting that then you're going to be very badly disappointed.
Just another thing to add: having a girlfriend won't make you happy. Don't go into any relationship thinking that it will.
Im interested in friends with benefits becuase Im not sure if a relationship at the moment is right for me at the current time. My failures are driving me crazy. And afterall there is nothing wrong with sex. Im tired of the bad dates, the women who mess me around and somewhat fake compliments Ive had. I just want someone simple with boundries
But again, meeting someone who will be interested is going to be extremely hard - and this is the tough part. How do I meet someone? I dont want just a one off one night stand, I want someone who will also be my friend (hence friend with benefits).
There's plenty of rough looking guys out there with beautiful women. Don't think you have to be great looking to get sex, you really don't, some of the ugliest bastards I know do VERY well with opposite sex. How good looking you are is only one factor, and also quite subjective...personality, humour, attitude and of course phermones count for a lot.
But that's exactly what a girlfriend is- a friend that you also have a sexual relationship with.
FBs are generally one night stands which last a bit longer. You don't generally fuck your best friend on a regular basis without having some sort of relationship.
But that's something you have to learn yourself.
Spot on (apart from the pheromones thing). If you're confident and assertive you'll have joy on the pull even if you look like a train wreck. If you're a Calvin Klein model with no confidence you won't pull much.
I dont think I am in the right frame of mind for a relationship
Couldn't have said it better myself!
She dropped so many hints that she wasn't interested but I had it in my head that I could win her over. I probably became quite desperate and made things even worse. In the end we fell out and haven't spoken since.
After that, I deleted the dating site profiles and figured I'd just chill out on my own for a while.
Turns out that there was one dating site profile I hadn't deleted, and a girl found me there about a month ago. She then looked me up on Facebook and sent me a message saying how great I sounded.
We met, it was a brilliant first date, and we finished that evening by arranging to meet again at the end of that week.
A few days later she sent me a message saying we should cancel because the fact that she had had such a great night with me had reminded her of the nice times she had had with her ex before he cheated on her, and she realised she wasn't totally over that yet.
I was disappointed that she cancelled, but told her I understood, would give her time and space, and that I was there for her.
We arranged to go out last night but she had to cancel at the last minute due to a family emergency.
Maybe due to a lack of self-confidence on my part, but I had a feeling all along that it would get cancelled, so I was upset.
She says she wants to see me as soon as possible, but I can't for the life of me work out if she wants to see me because she feels guilty for dropping out, or if she wants to see me because she doesn’t actually want something to happen between us.
I've told her I'd like to meet and I do think there could be something there, but it's hard to work out what she's thinking and where she's coming from.
I suppose these two instances make up the bulk of my online dating experiences, and as it stands they're not especially positive. And I suppose with the second one, if nothing does come of it, at least we had that great first date and I can put that down to experience, given that my dating history isn't especially long. I’d like to think she’ll give us a go, but I’ll just have to wait and see.
I guess what I'm trying to get to, jamjam, is that it's unlikely that the people we meet online are automatically going to be on the same wavelength as us, and the chances of instantly clicking with someone on a first date are probably small. So do try not to put too much stock into it at the first go because you may well be leaving yourself open to heartbreak.
Equally, I wouldn't look into the whole "friends with benefits" thing. It sounds to me like you want more than that. If you're looking for someone you can connect with as a long-term partner, taking the "friends with benefits" route clearly isn't going to work for you.
I would suggest that you focus on your good qualities and think about what you can offer a partner. Get out there and find the people worthy of those qualities. Sure, it'll take longer, but overall I would think it's better to take your time to find "the one", than it is to go for whoever shows an interest, especially if they're not really going to take your feeling into account.