Home Sex & Relationships
Come and join our Support Circle, every Tuesday, 8 - 9:30pm! Limited spaces available! Sign up here
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨

i dont really know what to do

Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
this concerns my boyfriend again. in previous threads i mentioned about him having schizophrenic symptoms and going to a number of doctors (including private) who made a series of fuck ups to put it mildly. and have still failed to diagnose him with anything despite the overwhelming evidence that points to the most obvious diagnosis being schizophrenia. i dont know, i dont really want to list out everything that has occurred again because i find it upsetting. but he fits the diagnosis quite well from hearing voices and delusional thoughts through to paranoia. to cut a long story short and because i dont want to bore anyone, i've been with him to see doctors and in particular when i told a private doctor plainly my concerns about him. it put our entire relationship in jeopardy and he began to mistrust me.

i've been in contact with his family throughout who have been really worried about him, mostly i've been speaking to the sisters in laws rather than his brothers but the message i seemed to get from one of them was 'we cant make him get help, he has to decide to' but my boyfriend is far beyond the realms of getting help for himself. he is unwell and thinks people are against him and 'inherently racist'. now, he is the youngest in his family with an elderly dad. i dont really expect his dad to drag him to the gp but i just want one of his three brothers (who are quite a bit older than him and fathers themselves) to take the responsability to get their little bro better and the help he really, really needs if he is to progress anywhere in life.

i've tried being supportive and going to doctor appointments but it obviously didnt work and eventually he didnt want me going to them. i've been tentatively hinting to his brothers and their family that someone needs to take charge and just attend these appointments with him. i'm at the end of my tether and it's really upsetting to think that he is going to go through life like this whether it is with or without me.

he's been allowed to continue his teacher training course next year, but the exact same thing will happen. he was suspended because the school he was training at had concerns over his mental health but it was really shady and quite dodgy really because there is only so much they can say without getting sued i guess. but this is just going to happen again. i know it will.

i know he isnt well. im finding this all too upsetting and difficult. we're away from eachother at the moment but im due to go see him in n ireland next tuesday for a month where i'll be volunteering locally. the last time he came to visit, i found it upsetting mostly because of his behaviour and i could see he was unwell. the last time i visited him in ireland was also upsetting, mostly because of the way he treats his dad and is quite paranoid as well as obsessive. it's like, everyone in his family know he is unwell but no one has really done anything yet.

i know this is a lot to read and im sorry, and based on the crappy info i've given. what would you do? im tempted to almost hand his brothers an ultimatum, either they attempt to get him well or im not coming over to ireland because it's just too upsetting and will be awful. i know this is pretty much abandoning my boyfriend but sometimes it feels as though it's got to that stage. another option is to go to ireland and talk to his family in person. this is selfish but im just sick of crying, i dont want to cry in front of his family and i dont want this to be dramatic and me ending up on a plane in floods of tears going home.

i just want to be with my boyfriend and for him to be how i remember him. healthy and able to get along with everyone. not someone who is paranoid and quite hostile to people.

i really dont know what to do at all.

if anyone replies to this im really thankful, but i might ask a mod to delete this thread eventually because i guess im paranoid myself. i feel as though im betraying him by saying all this but im very, very lost.
«1

Comments

  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Sorry for the short reply but - think of yourself, put yourself first. Do what's best for you.

    I will write a longer more thought out reply after the weekend.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I reckon all you can do is go to more, different doctors with him. I don't know why so many doctors did not diagnose him 'correctly', maybe it is not schizophrenia after all?

    I don't know how bad your boyfriend really is, but isn't it able to talk to him? He surely must realize it's fucking with his life and he should WANT to get help by himself.♦
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i dont know whats happened but going based what been said on this thread


    clementine to be honest i dont think your betraying anyone by posting this. i agree with you fact someone needs to get him some treatment if he cant see that himself. try talking to his family again and say how badly its affecting you as its not fair on you or your bf to keep going like this


    hope things do get better*hug*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Oh you poor thing *hug*
    This is an awful situation for you it must be so painful seeing your boyfriend go through this.
    I think it sounds as if his brothers are just trying to avoid dealing with this, maybe they have bust lives and just don't want to have to find the time for him.
    I think you have to be blunt with his brothers maybe you have a feeling which of them would be more likely to listen you, you need to just say that he needs their help and that you are scared for him, rather than just relaying the facts to them actually put the ball in their court.
    It is unfair that you have to bear this on your own and his family should bloody well wake up and listen to you.
    I wouldnt worry about crying in front of his family you have every right to do just that.
    This may sound harsh and i don't mean it to be hurtful but are you still in love with him or is this maybe a sense of duty now along with the hope that things will get back to how they were.Please don't take that personally its just a thought.
    Best of luck with this x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Maybe calling the local MIND or similar helpline to ask them some questions? I know they would not section him without due cause, but there surely must be a way to get him the appropriate treatment!

    Good luck with this and let us know how it goes xx *HUGS*
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks guys,

    louise, im pretty sure i do but he's said and done things which i can only put down to how unwell he is that has been quite hurtful. he was quite rude to my mum about something really trivial. it's a really good question to ask but i dont really know how to answer it. he's been ill for so long it's hard to distinguish now. the way he treats his dad isnt normal and i've told him i find it upsetting. recently he's been going out with mates to the pub back home but he thinks they are 'jealous' of his talent and that he is getting bad vibes from them.

    matt, he doesnt. i can approach the subject but then he responds that maybe im the one hearing voices. he just believes that he almost has the upperhand because he can see who is 'slighting' him. he has absolutely no belief that he is ill at all.

    i've been thinking that i should go to ireland. it would be cruel to call everything off from over here. i think the part that worries me is that whilst im there, it's very hard to know where to draw the line and to just get on a plane and come back.

    i feel like just telling his brothers to spend time with him, if they did that then they could plainly see for themselves. i can tell he isnt well from just speaking on the phone to him and im all the way over here. an example is that he's been let back into uni and so has decided not to 'take them up' or 'sue' them i guess. (this was one of his big ideas when he believed that the uni had treated him badly). i was speaking to him on the phone last night and he kept saying he was resolved just to continue the course and not go to court with them but then under his breath he said 'take them up' really quickly. then immediately afterwards said 'what?' sometimes and this sounds really horrible.. i think he isnt ill and trying to mess with my head. but surely no one would do that?? he must be ill.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    blunt and dirty:

    If he is convinced he is healthy and does not need help, but is still not the person you can see yourself to be with (nasty with your mum, paranoid, etc... schizophrenia or not), it might be advisable to think over this again and re-assess if you really want to be with him.

    I know pretty much how you feel, coming from someone with the terrible habit of always wanting to help people I care for (I tried to be something like a surrogate brother to Niamh and be a friend and therapist at the same time, before it came all crashing down on me). You never know when to stop, but it usually becomes clear after you made some distance and see the whole thing from a vantage point.

    If everything fails, rewatch "Twilight" with Richard Gere and Edward Norton and make your decision then (sorry for the inappropriate joke).
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    It does sound as if there is an element of his playing to the audience (you and the doctors) in all this. That isn't to say your boyfriend is well, but some people with mental illnesses become very adept at manipulation. They also know exactly what the doctors want to hear and how to behave in order to achieve their desired outcome.

    My sister has had recurrent mental health problems triggered by a long-standing eating disorder, and can exhibit the most bizarre behaviours at times. When she is ill, she can be devious, paranoid, destructive, and foul-mouthed. At the same time, confronted by a doctor or psychiatrist, she can be a picture of logic and reason. So often, despite being dangerously under-weight and clearly "odd", inexperienced doctors (or rather doctors who have not encountered her like before) have sent her home with a prescription for anti-depressants.

    It sounds as if you have already done more than could reasonably be expected of you. In the end, if he doesn't believe he is ill, you can only warn your boyfriend's family of your fears. His only hope of successful treatment is if he acknowledges that he had a problem and seeks help. I expect if you broke off your relationship, you would find that he would soon be pleading for your return and blaming his mental health on your leaving. But this could be a never-ending cycle, and may be you just need to be cruel to be kind: "tough love", as they call it. I don't see what going to Ireland would achieve, unless you cannot talk to your boyfriend's brothers any other way.

    Speaking as one married to an Irishman and having just survived a three day family wedding celebration in Co. Clare, it is worth bearing in mind that that the Irish are inclined to be much more accepting of a little "eccentricity" than your average Brit - especially in rural areas. It is possible that they really don't notice that there is anything particularly unusual in your boyfriend's behaviour!
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    overhill, thanks for that post. a lot of what you said makes sense. in front of doctors he can come across quite rational and i feel as though a doctor can't sense anything is wrong unless i am there to drudge everything up but then of course i'm the enemy then to my boyfriend.

    i think i want to go to ireland becase he's expecting me to go and is looking forward to it. we've been together over a year and if i do need to distance myself from him, i owe it to him not to do it on the phone (although it would be a hell of a lot easier for me). i see what you mean about the irish thing but this really does go beyond eccentricity from believing his colleagues were muttering the most obscene things under their breath about him whilst at their placement to believing that his landlord had been in his room, made marks on the wall and done something disgusting on his bed. completely unwarranted and there is no way any professional person would risk their career by calling him a 'poor pikey' under their breath. there are tons more examples but it is along similar lines and it comes down to that alllll these people that he has met through his life cannot be against him.

    it is just so difficult because like you say he needs to realise he is unwell but i really dont think he is in a position to realise it. he believes whole heartedly that people are against him because he is from n ireland and that this 'racism' as he calls it is instilled in english people.

    matt, i think im in the re-assessing stage right now. but i dont know what decision im gonna reach or even if i'll ever be able to reach one.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think you should go to Ireland but talk to him and basically give him an ultimatum that he seeks help or you leave him.

    I think you should also talk to his family as well - maybe if your not sure how to approach is brothers then get one of the sister in laws on your side - maybe saying that you want to bring it up but you don't know how to go about it.

    It may well be that his family are feeling just as hopeless as you and have had many years of trying to get him to do something about it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Wyetry wrote: »
    I think you should go to Ireland but talk to him and basically give him an ultimatum that he seeks help or you leave him.

    I think you should also talk to his family as well - maybe if your not sure how to approach is brothers then get one of the sister in laws on your side - maybe saying that you want to bring it up but you don't know how to go about it.

    It may well be that his family are feeling just as hopeless as you and have had many years of trying to get him to do something about it.

    thankyou, i think is the route im headed towards. i'm definitely going to ireland. i think it'd be really cruel not to and to just say im not going to over the phone. im going on a see what happens basis which isnt great i know. but im going to first talk to his dad's friend i think who is really close to the family. the ultimatum is scary but something i'll think about. i keep having images of me coming back from ireland a complete and utter mess.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    First of all I should say that this must be a very difficult situation. It speaks a lot about you that you have done so much.
    katralla wrote: »
    Sorry for the short reply but - think of yourself, put yourself first. Do what's best for you.
    I don't completely agree with this but I think it's half right. Excuse me if I'm mistaken, but it seems you've been acting in his stead foremost and yours less or maybe almost not at all. My point is that you should take care of yourself as much as you take care of him (if you decide to continue).

    You've done a great many things already and like I said it's very admirable and something you should be proud of. However there's only so much one person can do. If he still won't understand he needs help I actually don't think other people can help. Even if they got him committed or something, nothing would change before he understood it as well.

    My point about caring about both of you as much is that while doing your best to help him get better is a good thing, you should be very careful that it doesn't make yourself get worse. If you find that it does, I'm afraid you'll either have to find a way to insulate yourself from the effects or stop...
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Either he has big problems, or you are wrong about who he is.

    If you are wrong, then he is not right for you, so you should leave.

    If the problems can't be fixed, then... he will not be the person you believe him to be again, and if you stick with him through loyalty to the person you love you will eventually resent it. So you should leave.

    If the problems can be fixed, then you should do everything you can to get them fixed, and as soon as possible, before the problems undermine your love. Anything you do to try to fix things is fair, especially as the problems mean he's unable to even se that he needs fixing.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i see what you mean about the irish thing but this really does go beyond eccentricity from believing his colleagues were muttering the most obscene things under their breath about him whilst at their placement to believing that his landlord had been in his room, made marks on the wall and done something disgusting on his bed. completely unwarranted and there is no way any professional person would risk their career by calling him a 'poor pikey' under their breath. there are tons more examples but it is along similar lines and it comes down to that alllll these people that he has met through his life cannot be against him.

    Whoa! I can completely relate to this. Over the years, amongst other things, my sister has had people "scoping her out" with lights into her flat from across the road, she has laced my food with perfume (which made me sick), she told me that a mutual friend wanked on her best evening dress, she has had an imaginary relationship with an A-list musician, she has torn off her clothes and made sexual advances to her doctors, she has accused nurses and fellow patients in the mental hospital of sexually assaulting her and stealing her jewellery and her boss in a big London department store (one of her rare jobs) wanted to have a lesbian affair with her ...

    I'm usually the "bad guy" in her life: the one who interferes and "tells tales" to her psychiatrist to "get her locked up". But, every now and again, she tells her friends that I am some sort of saint - the last time I had apparently joined the fire brigade and turned up to put out a fire in her kitchen!!!

    The saddest thing is that you cannot just ignore the behaviour of someone you love without feeling beholden to do something about it. But my sister is now 56 years old and has been this way for the last 20 years at least. I understand and admire what you are trying to do for your boyfriend, but you haven't known him that long and you need to set yourself some realistic goals and limits to your involvement. If he doesn't acknowledge that he is ill, and you are getting no support from his family, don't waste too much time on a man you have only known a year.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    There's not really much I can add to what other people have said. I really feel for you. Try to make sure that you're taking care of yourself while all this is going on, and don't try to take sole responsibility for dealing with it. Take care.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks guys for your really kind and thoughtful replies :) i have taken your points on board. i'm still set to go to ireland on tuesday, i still think it'd be too cruel to just not go and it might help me put things in perspective as well as have direct conversations with his family. last night he seemed absolutely fine on the phone, i just find it confusing. i've been upset lately and i think his main fear is that i'm going to ditch him and not go to ireland. i had a bit of a tearful breakdown on the phone and tried to stress how worried i was about him but he kept saying 'rachael im fine, cmon i love you' and he thinks we need a short holiday together. i can see his point, we've both been stressed recently and i think the stress exacerbates his symptoms but im really keen to find out how his family think he's doing.

    i'll be away for a month from tuesday and the reception is pretty bad by his house so i wont have the internet. i wanted to say thanks tons for the support in this thread. i think it's something i'll keep going back to to read. and i'll update as soon as possible. but i think it's fair for me to state logically to his family and my boyfriend that i cant be with someone who is so clearly unwell and has no inclination/support from others to go and seek help, it's just too upsetting beyond everything else. i care about him too much
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    so i'm back. i got back about an hour ago. it all happened yesterday. his brother and wife were round with their baby son and they could see i was upset. so it was a bit like crisis intervention where everyone expressed their concerns but he was arguementative and said he was fine. so there was nothing i could do. his sister in law and brother put me up in their house in belfast last night and were really kind. im getting mixed signels from him but his sister in law just said to ignore any contact for the forseeable future but that will be hard. i had a voicemail from him today hoping i was okay and i could tell he had been crying which he never does. im locked away in my room and not speaking to anyone.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Big hugs Clem *hug*

    You went there and you tried - you couldn't have done much more. Right now concentrate on yourself... you've not been putting yourself first for a long time, and I think now is the time. Try an put him and his family to the back of your mind for the moment, maybe let things settle for a while, and then go back and rethink if you feel it is needed.

    You got any friends around you who know whats going on? It would be good if you could get some real life hugs!

    Take care xxxxxx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks. because he changed the status on facebook, everyone knows. i've had some really nice messages but i really do hate facebook. my friend rang today but i wasnt feeling upto speaking. been in bed mostly. i dont feel like eating. he's sent me a lot of messages on facebook both public and private and i just got a text with i love you on the end. it's going to be really hard i think. i havent responded to any of them other than asking if he could drop a book back to the place i was volunteering (just one day), his brother said he would ring them for me to explain but i had an email asking for a quick return of the book because it needs to be returned. they are probably pissed.
  • Indrid ColdIndrid Cold Warming up? Posts: 16,688
    It sounds like things happened pretty much on their own... Not surprising really.
    Take care of yourself, now. You've spent a lot of time worrying about him and it's understandable that he won't detach from your mind so easily. Things will be better if you just let them.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    i would but i cant. it still hasn't hit me. i just dreamt we were watching a film together, woke up and thought 'we should watch that'. it's stupid. im also restricting my food intake, i know exactly what im doing. somehow i lost 1/2 stone while in derry, probably because of the stress. and i know i can lose more and just wither away.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    If you are in any kind similar to me, you'd be like this:

    In a bad mood. Doesn't want anyone to cheer oneself up, but rather wallow in depression and self pity. But I could never do that. Always wished for it, but whenever I went to school, I was just upbeat and happy. I wanted that others could see I am hurt and take care of me (yea, I was pretty emo, before emo was presentable), but I was always with the jokers and the sadness was gone like the wind.

    What I want to say: Just let it be possible for others to care about you, you might not want it now, but you will realize later how much it helped you get over this all.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no one does. people just want the gory details. still not eating. lets see if that gets noticed. im not upto going out for a while. i can either sit on my arse. eat ice cream and get fat. or i can not eat and sit on my arse and be thin. keeps my mind off it.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    no one does. people just want the gory details. still not eating. lets see if that gets noticed. im not upto going out for a while. i can either sit on my arse. eat ice cream and get fat. or i can not eat and sit on my arse and be thin. keeps my mind off it.

    how about you just try and eat normally? :) im not saying that in a mean way, its just like, the way you've written that post seems as if you're not eating to see if people notice, and theres no real point in that is there? its not good for you.

    i really sympathise with your situation as although its not exactly the same i just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years and im pretty devastated, my appetite just completely went and its only really come back two weeks after the breakup. even though i never ever felt hungry my mum forced me to eat at least fruit and cereal everyday otherwise you'll have no energy and feel even worse than you do now. take care of yourself.xx
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    im eating fruit and raisins and i plan to have toast for tea. but by being hungry all the time it takes my mind off of paul
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    Hi there,

    Obviously this has been a very hard situation for you. Supporting someone with mental health issues can be very stressful and it is easy to feel as though nothing is helping.
    Reading the following on schizophrenia, as well as someone else's experience with supporting someone with paranoia may help to understand the situation better and perhaps find help elsewhere than doctors.

    In your recent posts however you state that you have finally decided to break up with your boyfriend because;
    I think it's fair for me to state logically to his family and my boyfriend that i cant be with someone who is so clearly unwell and has no inclination/support from others to go and seek help, it's just too upsetting beyond everything else

    Remind yourself that you left as it was too upsetting for you - not eating and staying at home crying will not help you feel less upset. Off course you went through a very tough situation and break ups are hard. You understandably still feel upset about it, and will for a while, however taking control of the situation by not eating will only make your pain worse. The risks of eating disorders are very bad and will only make you feel worse.

    Keep being strong, you have done as much as you can to help your boyfriend, now all you need is to help yourself get over this tough period in your life

    Good luck x
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for the responses. i realised when i logged off what a hypocrite i must sound. i ate a proper meal tonight for the first time in 3 days. i will be okay. i just need to stop moping and feeling sorry for myself.
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    thanks for the responses. i realised when i logged off what a hypocrite i must sound. i ate a proper meal tonight for the first time in 3 days. i will be okay. i just need to stop moping and feeling sorry for myself.

    Can you go out to get your mind off things?
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    both my bestfriends are on holiday and i cant really face going back to canterbury to see old uni friends. too many memories. im thinking of joining a gym and getting my hair lopped off. that's what people usually seem to do in these circumstances right, bah
  • Former MemberFormer Member Posts: 1,876,324 The Mix Honorary Guru
    I think it is absoutly fine to cry and mope and be sad for a few days because i dont think you should hide from these strong emotions, but i think a routine is a good idea because then, even thou you feel sad and meh, you have less time to sit around and think loads about the situation which will help you feel stronger, sooner. *HUGS xxxxxxxxxxx
Sign In or Register to comment.