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Depressed about the state of marriages
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Over the weekend a friend of my dads gave 4 of us youngens a pep talk about marriage, love, how to hold onto the one you want before they get away etc, and try and be as happy as possible because so many marriages these days are only together for financial reasons, kids, basically anything but love.
This really really depressed me! I'm realistic but i'd like to one day fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after and the reality check that for the majority of people this isnt the case is just horrible
Anyone else feel like this?
This really really depressed me! I'm realistic but i'd like to one day fall in love, get married, have kids, live happily ever after and the reality check that for the majority of people this isnt the case is just horrible
Anyone else feel like this?
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but i dont think getting a divorce makes you a failure. on the plus side i think the reason divorces have increased in number is the amount of freedom now. e.g. beaten wives can now divorce their husbands
absolutely. The parents of a friend's girlfriend sleep in different bedrooms and the marriage is so over for several years now. But since they are very christian, divorce is completely out of question.
Yes I think it's sad if a person will never find a partner in life, as this is - in my opinion - still "the goal" of life. through the eyes of evolution you are there to reproduce and distribute your genetic material. Technically I am rather sure that there is for almost everyone a fitting partner, but in huge systems like the population of earth you might never come close to where you need to look for it.
On the other hand, I don't think humans are predestined to be monogamous.
I think that when you find somebody the statistics don't matter anymore. If you're happy with somebody and things are going well then I think it's fine to get swept in the current and hope for the best.
I also think the "disney" view of how marriage should be is wrong. That it's happily ever after and if that's not the case then the marriage is somehow a failure.
To me serious relationships and marriage is a promise to stick together in dealing with life. It's also pretty good to be able to team up with somebody and enjoy a household with a double income versus being alone. It reduces risk. I love my bloke for who he is and the stability and quality of life we can have together. No I don't think love can conquer all but it does help you battle through the tough times.
Me too, I know a couple who are engaged after a year and have only just moved in together and while im very happy for them I can see being broken up whether its in a year or 20 years. Saying that my parents got engaged after 6 months and are still together after 25 years so it can happen.
Where I want the 'fairytale ending' of living happily ever after its scary that it might not happen.
I don't think divorce needs to be a bad thing, though. You can still be happy. You could even be friends with your ex, if you both deal with it in a certain way. In my experience the people who try their hardest to stay together are the ones most likely to end up hating each other, so I don't think divorce should be avioded at almost all costs.
Don't think this is a particularly modern phenomenon. The main difference nowadays is that people actually have the option to talk about it openly, or leave an unhappy marriage without the social stigma that divorce used to have.
I always feel a bit saddened when people have opinions like this, because I think that happy ever after DOES exist. It's not like Hollywood would have you believe, maybe, it's more subtle than that. Like when you see an old couple walking along holding hands. But true love does happen, and it can last forever. Not believing that one simple fact is the first step to never finding it. That's not to say that it's easy, though, not by any means. But things worth having rarely are.
The problem I see with most people is that they choose badly. Love is important, but I see so many people in marriages who, when it comes down to it, don't really seem to LIKE each other. You should marry someone you love, but also someone who is your equal, and your best friend. Otherwise you haven't got a chance.
Totally agree 100%!! And, like you say, its this point of view that so many people lack, making them choose relationships badly, settling for someone they dont even like, etc.
I guess the good thing is that I know what I want and am realistic... not likely to get swept up in the honeymoon period and get married after 6 months whilst barely knowing the person.
I blame this idea that people have nowadays that all relationships get a bit shit after the first year or two. I always hear stuff about the magic going, and people see that as normal, and don't see that it isn't. Not necessarily. Yeah, you might start peeing in front of them or whatever, and maybe won't want to jump their bones 5 times a day, but you can still think they're the best thing since sliced bread five, ten, fifty years down the line.
So what happens is that people get into relationships, and it all goes a bit shit, and they think it's ok, cause everyone's relationship goes a bit shit after a while, doesn't it? So then they stay in a shitty relationship forever because they think that's just what people do.
I think being realistic is a good thing, cause it isn't all sunshine and roses all the time. But you should also keep believing in a little bit of magic, cause it can be sunshine and roses some of the time, and if it isn't ever, then what's the point?
I think this is most likely to be true of younger couples who have not had the chance to fully experience life before they settle down together. As the years go by, their ambitions change and they can find that their partner's priorities are incompatible with their own. A certain maturity is needed for a sustainable relationship. This, in my view (though I am biased), is why a second marriage can succeed where the first marriage failed.
Divorce isn't the end of the world.
I also think a lot of people are too quick to abandon what are basically happy, healthy, well-functioning relationships because the initial honeymoon phase has worn off as well. There's a balance to be struck, and while of course no one should settle for someone they don't love, equally people shouldn't give up on good relationships because it's not like a Hollywood movie any more.
I think we all have different expectations of what a happy relationship should be, and while some people's expectations are clearly too low, others are way too high.
Don't judge your own (possible) life by someone elses yard stick.
Look at me. Got AIDS, a looney and not that physically attractive. Not exactly endearing qualities, but in a fab relationship with a fab guy
Grrr I am sooo fed up with people being so cynical!!!! Ok, youve had bad experiences, so have I!! But rambling on about how marriage never works, theres no such thing as love, we're all gonna be depressed forever and die alone just depresses me and is not what I want to hear!! Ugh
Because its showing you're commitment to that person and celebrating your love.
I can sort of see some peoples reasoning, but I personally would prefer to be married. If after a long long relationship where you both promised to be together forever and we still werent married, I'd be questioning his commitment. Although, i guess getting married doesnt make you any less likely to end up hating each other and breaking up.
Peoples cynicism isnt just about marriage either but about love in general. That only the luckiest, tiniest percent of people actually find the one they want and live happily ever after. How about some optimism once in a while?! If you keep thinking negatively, it isnt ever gonna happen because you'll never see any point in putting any effort in.
Ugh, I just dont need this mindset thrown in my face anymore when i'm already imagining myself single, lonely, crazy cat lady spinster at 40 :grump:
I dont think you are reading that statistic correctly? Thats *every year*.
43% of first marriages end in divorce, higher for 2nd and 3rd marriages, that is very common unfortunatly.
http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Percentage_of_marriages_that_end_in_divorce
http://www.ask.com/questions-about/Percentage-Marriages-End-Divorce
Once again, why put all your hope and expectations into a piece of paper if you love someone enough, why do you have to prove it to anyone else but you and your partner?
if you have kids with someone youre not married to, you (the dude) has no legal rights to the child without court battles.
And this. Neither do the man or the women usually have rights to the home etc unless theyre put into the will.
Although i think financial security is a stupid reason to get married
Im just talking about plain old Jim and Sue, getting married, nobody and nothing else about.
If it was just them, and nothing else would change, apart from financial security, and possibly not even that, would it be worth it, if they would still be perfectly happy otherwise?
And whats 'not worth it' about it? The expense? Lifes too short to worry about expense.
The worry about all the grief of a possible divorce, being able to keep your options open in case you split up and you dont have to feel guilty because shes just a girlfriend, not your wife??