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brother who is gay
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
My brothers just come out to my family as being gay. My parents kinda thought it, but i really didnt. He just doesnt come accross as that kinda guy. hes mid 20s now, so i dont think its a phase. and i really do not know how to act, like i have nothing against people being gay...but its just such a shock for him to come out and say it.
i also feel sorry for my parents and dont know what to do, first me with depression self harm and stuff, now there son being gay. im just not sure what to do...
i also feel sorry for my parents and dont know what to do, first me with depression self harm and stuff, now there son being gay. im just not sure what to do...
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@MrG: I've found that my parents are anti-gays because of the way that their generation was brought up...they think that it's a waste because their "seedlings" aren't going to make more family etc etc
Of course it's not a phase! Noone chooses to be gay just as noone chooses their eye and hair colour.
How about being a good sister and human being by loving and supporting your brother? He can't get therapy for being gay - but you can get help for depression and self-harming.
and as bio haz said, my perants dont understand the whole being gay thing, its not how they where brought up and before now they havnt been extremly nice shall i say about it.
of course im going to just be a sister to him, but like growing up with him like i have and thinking about him in a certain way, its difficult to imagin him any other way.
it difficult, i just cant get my head around it, but i now i should be able to
...I believe (hope) that the answer is no.
In any case, that's the only thing that's changing really. You don't have to imagine him another way that you have so far, he's still the same person in everything but this.
Im sorry to hear that you are feeling low and confused about what to do for the best regarding your brother, like you were saying it has come as a shock to that your brother has told you he is gay and this is a difficult time for you.
Check out the website www.fflag.org.uk, they have some really good information for friends and families of gay people.
I hope this helps, Keep posting and let us know how you are getting on.
B:)
No matter how your parents treat him, no matter how you feel about it, nobody can change your brother's sexual orientation. The fact that in many countries, lesbian, gay and bisexual people are driven underground because of the death penalty or being beaten or abused by the family just goes to show how powerful sexual orientation is.
Being gay is his life. It may be difficult for your parents to come to terms with, it may be hard for you at first, but think about it... Your brother may have done something completely courageous by 'coming out of the closet' to his family. If in the future, he ends up in a long term relationship with a loving man, really you should be happy for him.
Does it really matter whether or not he is going out with women or men? Maybe what matters is his right to choose his own life, to fall in love and pursue a relationship regardless of gender and to not have to face discrimination for it.
I'm not saying this is easy for anyone. Firstly, if you're having depression and self-harm, you really need to be looking at yourself, learning to overcome this obstacle. Depression is an illness, self-harm is a coping mechanism. Are you getting any help, taking medications, or have you seen a doctor? Are your parents supportive of you with your depression?
I know this might sound pretty blunt... But there's nothing wrong with being gay. If your parents have a problem with it, it is an issue with their own prejudices. They are responsible for their own prejudice!
Why should anybody legitimise homophobia by feeling sorry if their kids turn out gay? It's ironic... But it's also an opportunity to see past their own prejudice, an opportunity they may have never had.
At the same time, be there for your brother... But not in a way that suffocates you, or compromises your own mental health. You need to heal, give yourself time... Life won't be the same as it was and this doesn't have to be a bad thing.
I know it might be hard to deal with but he is a grown man... it is his life, he didn't choose to be gay... no one does. And, infact, it can be very hard for gay boys growing up, as they can feel like they don't fit in.
Just remember, he hasn't changed. It's not like he's a different person, he's just the same as he's always been. Except now, you know more about him
Xx
Emy knows she needs to act natural but, as nearly everyone on this site will understand, there are times when what you know you ought to feel, and what you actually do, about any given situation/person can be quite different. Sometimes it just takes a little time to adjust. Let's try more support and less criticism.
Who knows, she didn't answer that question - but "doesn't seem to be that sort of person" isn't the first way I'd phrase "he doesn't act like a pansy"
Emy did say that she 'feels sorry' for her parents that her brother is gay (as well as having her own issues). Erm ... it's 2010? Her parents may well have an issue dealing with his homosexuality but the abundance of research out there should convince her that she should be concentrating on her parents (possible) prejudices than actually feel 'sorry' for them. What if she came home with a boyfriend of a different colour? Racism and homophobia stem out of the same sort of ignorance.
I'm sure that Emy is a lovely girl but lets not sugar-coat this. No parent 'expects' any of their children to be gay but its crucial that they understand that it's not their 'fault' and that he is the same son no matter what. Considering that boys and girls still kill themselves because of prejudice over their sexual orientation, would make me feel that his acceptance should her higher priority.
Emy, I'm sorry if you considered my words harsh. Homosexuality happens in the best of families but that's because it's nature - not nurture. I think you should celebrate that he has had the strength to come out and be the person he is really is rather than a person who you (or your parents) want him to be. *hugs*
What has changed is how you see him.
:yes:
i think its just something i will have to ajust to and get used to, becuase things arnt going to change and hes still my brother.
i also think a reason why i feel a bit 'i dont know how to act' is becuase hes acting a bit 'i dont know how to act' now...if that makes sence ha.
There is nothing that needs to change.
As far as I am concerned, it is ok for your parents to be worried. Homosexuality is probably something that happened to "other" people. THEIR parents will have conditioned them to think that it was a failing in upbringing. Later generations have a better understanding. The challenge is to convince them that homosexuality is natural and it is the suppression of natural feelings that is unhealthy. As well as acceptance of your brother's sexual orientation, you also need to reassure your parents.