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I've got myself into a bit of a mess
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hello,
I'm brand new to this messaging board, so please bear with me.
I'm 28 years old, and I'm falling for a guy who is 33. Problem is, he is engaged and is getting married at the end of this year. Me, him and his fiance all work in the same office.
We started talking over a year ago, and I realised how alike we are. We seem to understand one another on so many levels. Over the past couple of months, things have been changing. We have increased the amount of talking, and have met up a few times after work. We really enjoy one another's company and have just talking about every day stuff generally.
I suppose it was about 3 weeks ago when I told him I fancy him. He told me he felt exactly the same, but he was going to do the right thing and not let anything happen between us because he is getting married. We did end up kissing that night, and afterwards he felt awful and really regretted it. We met up the next day and he said that he is "going to be good" but thinks we could have a fantastic friendship as he really cares for me. Nothing has happened between us since, just lots of talking and flirting.
I can't stop thinking about him. I really want to get to know him properly, and I feel like we could have such a great relationship. I can feel him watching me as I walk around the office, and whenever we are in a group situation, we spend the whole times making eyes at one another.
I need to find closure in my head and heart, but I cant. Please can someone give me some advice. I really feel like he feels the same way towards me, but I understand it would take so much for him to walk away from his life as it is. He has been with his fiance for eight years, and proposed a year ago. As he keeps telling me he wants to be doing the "right thing" it's making me think about it non-stop and question. He said he just wants a simple life.
Please help me find closure!
I'm brand new to this messaging board, so please bear with me.
I'm 28 years old, and I'm falling for a guy who is 33. Problem is, he is engaged and is getting married at the end of this year. Me, him and his fiance all work in the same office.
We started talking over a year ago, and I realised how alike we are. We seem to understand one another on so many levels. Over the past couple of months, things have been changing. We have increased the amount of talking, and have met up a few times after work. We really enjoy one another's company and have just talking about every day stuff generally.
I suppose it was about 3 weeks ago when I told him I fancy him. He told me he felt exactly the same, but he was going to do the right thing and not let anything happen between us because he is getting married. We did end up kissing that night, and afterwards he felt awful and really regretted it. We met up the next day and he said that he is "going to be good" but thinks we could have a fantastic friendship as he really cares for me. Nothing has happened between us since, just lots of talking and flirting.
I can't stop thinking about him. I really want to get to know him properly, and I feel like we could have such a great relationship. I can feel him watching me as I walk around the office, and whenever we are in a group situation, we spend the whole times making eyes at one another.
I need to find closure in my head and heart, but I cant. Please can someone give me some advice. I really feel like he feels the same way towards me, but I understand it would take so much for him to walk away from his life as it is. He has been with his fiance for eight years, and proposed a year ago. As he keeps telling me he wants to be doing the "right thing" it's making me think about it non-stop and question. He said he just wants a simple life.
Please help me find closure!
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Comments
I think you need to back away. It's going to be hard, but cease all contact with him. It's not fair on you, but it's more unfair on his fiance.
It's his call if he then wants to pursue you instead. It will be difficult seeing him in the office but tell him you can't be friends with him any more. And if he continues to try and flirt or be friends while he is still with his fiance, tell him to back off, or end it with her as it isn't fair on either of you. He's leading you on as he doesn't mean to break up with her. He likes you, but loves her.
Spot on. He says he wants to do the "right thing" but I really don't see how staying with his fiance and stringing you along at the same time is the "right thing".
As difficult as it is you need to cut contact with him for your own sake.
If he really wants you he will end his current relationship and come to you.
I haven't spoken to anyone about my situation, and I don't feel I will. I am quite a strong person at heart, and usually trust my own judgement, but just am finding myself doing a lot of thinking at the moment, and it's annoying myself!
It could be a lot worse as I could be in a situation whereby we had both slept together or were kissing every time we met up, but he has been clear that he doesn't want to lead me on as he will be getting married as that is the "right thing" to do.
You are both right. I need to let this one go. I need to stop thinking about him, cut out any contact other than professional contact, and just get on with my life.
I suppose even if I did find myself in a situation where he leaves his fiance, I don't even know for sure it would work between us, and I'd probably be seen as a homewrecker or something so things would be quite rocky! It is highly unlikely he will leave her, so I suppose I need to try focussing on the facts. He has chosen who he wants to spend his life with, and will be marrying her.
Do you think I should try to sit down with him and explain that I'm going to be cutting any flirtatious contact, or just do it and don't feel I need to tell him first?
I do really like him, but I should also respect him and his feelings. He obviously loves his fiance and I should respect that.
You're right, he's made a choice and he chose her. It's a pisser but it doesn't mean you're not a fantastic person - as you so rightly acknowledge, he has such a long history with her, and they've built up a whole life together, that it would be very difficult for him to walk away from that, and not necessarily the best thing to do. When you've been with someone eight years, you're bound to have your head turned by new people occasionally, but if you love your partner, you have to accept that you can't have those other people and what you've got is more valuable than chasing the excitement of new people.
So you're both being really mature about it. What needs to happen now is that you stop socialising with him and going out together, even as friends. Sadly, given the way you feel about each other, friendship is impossible. It's not just flirty contact that needs to be cut; all contact that is anything more than work related needs to stop, for both your sakes. It might be a good idea to tell him that, as he's got a right to know why you're suddenly being a bit more cold and aloof than he's used to! But don't change your mind, don't back down. It's the right thing to do.
It'll be tough, but forget about him and look for other guys. Are there no other potential love interests in your office? Have any of your friends got anyone they can set you up with? The best way to stop thinking about this guy as a potential romantic interest is by getting a new one.
You are right about the implications of building a life together with someone over a period of 8 years. I ended a 4 year relationship I was in a year or so ago, and there was so much we had built up.
I just text him to say "Do you think we could have a chance to talk everything out? I have questions and thoughts and I'm unsure whether to just try to forget about them. I know you want everything to be simple, so you might not want to talk. Would you benefit from talking, or are you comfortable and secure enough with things?"....he replied with "I'm happy to talk some time. We can sort out when once I know what's going on next week".
Now I need to get my head sorted so that what I want to say comes out clearly and concisely, rather than emotionally!
If anyone out there feels like giving me some support/guidance, it would be gratefully received.
I'm thinking about him non-stop again, and can't seem to sort my head out.
I'm looking forward to going back to work to see him, but I'm also really nervous.
I'm scared of telling him I'm going to cut all contact other than professional. What if he is going through turmoil and is considering leaving his fiance, but I make him think twice by cutting him out? He says he can't stop thinking about me. I feel like maybe I should leave the door open to him. Am I being stupid?
Is there such a thing as some kind of affair that doesn't involve sexual contact? Like some kind of emotional one? Do you think that's what I'm going through?
Arghhhh!
As for an affair without sexual contact - yes I do believe that this can happen. I don't think there's much point in trying to put a label on the situation though - what's important is that you stand to possibly get very badly hurt and so for your own sake I would say follow the others' advice, tell him gently your decision and then stick to it. Easier said than done, I know, but I honestly think you will be glad you did. Good luck
You are right - I am doing it for myself rather than him, and I probably need to start concentrating on myself for a bit before I make myself ill, worry too much, get stressed, get hurt etc etc.
Because we get on so well on so many levels, it seems such a shame to cut all contact and lose a good friendship, but I know we've now crossed certain boundaries and a plutonic friendship is almost impossible to maintain.
You are right about there being no need for me to try to put a label on it. What's the point? That won't give me closure or anything. I suppose I do generally over analyse things and think and think until I can find a solution. I think I need to concentrate on what I'm going to say to him, and the solution will come from that.
Any ideas on how to approach the subject with him are gratefully received! The chat will happen one evening next week.
It looks like you're going to have to play dirty if you want him before the wedding.
(With my head all over the place, even I can see that won't help!)
There is a bit more to it than wanting to shag him from my point of view, but thanks for your comment.
Give him something which shows why he should choose you over her.
Not very nice on his fiancés- but shit happens. If you want him, then I'd go for it. I wouldnt be looking how to remain friends.
Oh aye? How much of a head-flock would it be if he left the other lass as a result? Is the OP likely to feel comfortable with a relationship based on that as a foundation? Is she going to feel secure at all?
Does this not have the potential to just make everything worse for everyone?
I do have respect for him and don't want to hurt him.
Would you have any guidance for when I sit down with him next week and have a chat? Do you think I should be explaining to him how much I wish things were different, but I understand and will try to be happy for him, and that I think it's best if we cut out our contact, other than on a professional basis?
In answer to an earlier question, yes, it is perfectly possible to have a non-sexual, "emotional" affair. But don't kid yourself that they are harmless. Because they are, by nature, founded in the realms of fantasy, they can actually be even more damaging than the sexual kind. There is a useful article about the dangers on this site: http://www.thesite.org/thesite.org/sexandrelationships/couples/relationshipissues/emotionalaffairs.
Undoubtedly the best course of action is to cut contact to the minimum "work-related", however hard it might be for you in the short term. If it proves impossible for him, he should really question whether he really is "doing the right thing" in marrying his fiancée.
But, even if he calls off the wedding, don't assume that he would necessarily be the ideal man for you. It may just be that he is clinging to the last vestigages of batchelorhood in chatting you up.
But maybe you just need to feel happy in yourself. A good friend of mine told me to take a break from guys, to be happy with myself and not rely on males to make me happy. That's what I plan to do now after being shut down in a situation similar to yourself - I like him, he likes me, but he's in love with his ex (and now) reunited girlfriend.
Advice about the talk would be to maybe write down some points on a piece of paper and have it with you. There's kinda no point practicing the convo in your head (I do this all the time) as it probably won't go that way.
- you can't be friends with him because you both like each other and he can't act on that feeling
- he's getting MARRIED. He is cheating on his fiance emotionally
- you can't keep in contact as it will hurt every one in the long run (and hurting you now)
- you don't want your reputation degraded
- if he's going to do the RIGHT thing, he will abide by the no-friendship thing, and love his fiance like he should.
Don't even suggest that you two get together at some stage, if things break down or whatever. YOU'RE in power here. YOU'RE setting the rules. Don't let him convince you other wise. I think he likes the attention tbh.
Let us know how it goes.
When he told me he fancied me, and that he felt like we could get on really well, it all seem to spark from there as I was then honest with him about how I felt. He said if he wasn't in the situation he is in, then we would be having discussions about getting together. BUT, he is a simple man at heart, and will be getting married as it's the "right thing" to do. I still haven't understood this wholly.
One text message he recently sent was "You know I can't take things any further and I wouldn't be being fair to you if I pretended I could. I don't want to mess you around or lead you on and I'm just trying to do the right thing" after I had sent one about being available on Facebook chat if he wanted to talk. (And just for the record, I didn't flirt or anything here, just asked if he wanted a chat and our chats would have just been about what we got up to over the Xmas break). Do you think maybe I'm being a bit overbearing? I've read this message over and over and tried to take a step back. Maybe I'm just being too much?
Thank you for the link to the emotional affair stuff. If that is what I'm experiencing, then yes, it certainly isn't harmless.
I agree with the cutting down on contact and I'm going to do it. I'm going to meet up with him after work next week and explain why and how I'm going to back off. From my earlier posts you'll see 1) I'm worried about how to do this, and 2) I kind of feel I don't want him to feel I'm shutting the door on him, but I know in my heart of hearts, I need to be doing this for me, no one else.
I know that even if he did call off the wedding that it might not work between us.
I've been one of those people who has been able to be completely happy within myself and found inner peace from an early age. I love my own company, and am completely happy be alone for long periods of time , thinking. I probably sound a bit crazy trying to explain this, but I am completely at ease with myself, and don't need others to be happy.
If any new guy came into my life now, I'm probably find it very difficult to be fair on them as my thoughts are elsewhere. I feel I need to find closure here first.
I'm sorry to hear you were in a similar situation. I'm glad you have found inner strength to make a decision you are happy with, and I hope your new outlook will help you to reach happiness in the future.
You're right - I have been practising all kinds of conversations in my head, but keep getting them muddled up! Thank you for your advice - it does help having "topics" broken down like that, and I'll put pen to paper shortly.
I will let you know the outcome
Having not seen this particular guy for months, I was quite shocked at how attractive I found him. He was witty, fun and complementary towards me ... and, more than once, I caught him just gazing at me. It was ages ago now and, mercifully, I think we both heard an alarm bell ring and just stopped contacting each other. Nothing was said and, as far as I know, we are still friends though we don't see each other any more.
Do you both see it as harmless flirting? Do you both know that nothing will ever happen?
Maybe I need to start to see this guy as someone who just wanted a bit of fun? I wish I could post all the text message and email conversations we have had, and everyone could see how we look at one another and then get people's opinions! I'm stupid though and deluded. He has found the person he wants to marry.
We were both married and, as far as I know, happy - and we lived hundreds of miles apart. But, as the article says, emotions and fantasies can be very dangerous, particularly if you find yourself daydreaming about someone else - and the point of emotional affairs is that one presumes they are safe BECAUSE nothing physical is going on.
I wish my situation was sorted!
It can be sorted, instantly. It can be over now. You just have to want it enough, and stop hanging on to the idea that maybe more can happen.
I understand why you find it difficult to do that though, because it's flattering and feels good to have someone flirting with you and when there's no one else currently showing you that attention, it's difficult to put an end to the situation that's currently going on. The little scraps of attention and affection you get from him seem preferable to none at all.
But he's marrying someone else, and all you are to him is a fun distraction from a life that has become a bit too ordinary and mundane at the moment. If you want to be more than that, you're going to be disappointed, and hurt. So make a decision to end it now, and actually mean it. Delete his number from your phone, delete him from facebook, stop pining over someone so totally unattainable and go looking for someone else!
:yes:
This is why I am going to sit down with him this week and explain to him how I feel and why I am going to withdraw contact other than professional.
It's so difficult.
I really feel for you - this is tough going. Do you think you really need to sit down and talk though? If you're really going to withdraw from him then a simple email/letter explaining your distance will probably suffice.
StupidGirl, Goth and Jamelia have nailed it and getting into a deep conversation with him is likely to bring all the emotions to the surface, lead to more hurt and provide little closure. Afterall closure is in actions rather than words for the most part in these situations.
Only you can decide what feels really right, but if the prospect of this chat is turning into a mountain or raising unlikely expectations then you're not obliged to have it.
i think that is excellent advice someone clearly speaking from experience iw ould listen