Breaking up

Former Member

Hey all.

I broke up with my girlfriend of four years the other night. It had been brewing in my mind for a while - basically, I had decided that she wasn't The One, and therefore it was unfair on both of us to keep it going. Over the last few weeks I became more sure about it and after talking to my mate and my mum, it made much more sense to do it. So I did. And she took it pretty badly - she hadn't seen it coming at all. She got very upset, a bit angry, and after a short while asked me to leave.

Anyway, that was Thursday night and it's now Sunday night. There has been no contact since. I would like us to be friends in future but being apart is going to take some getting used to.

Basically, I'm looking for advice on what I should be doing in the short-term. I think the best idea is to give her a couple of weeks' space and then get in touch by text or email to say hi and see how she is. But I'd never been in a long-term relationship before so I'm not sure. Any ideas?

Cheers.

Former Member

It is tricky because if she is hurting she is likely to be in denial about the break-up at some stage, so being in contact too much could give her false hope that you want to get back together, and this will only drag the pain out of her.

However, it is very important that you do drop her a line to see how she is, because if you don't she might jump to the conclusion that you don't care which will hurt her even more.

So I guess it is about finding the right balance.

Hope this makes sense/helps.

Former Member

Maybe leave it a week, not two weeks, although you know her best and its up to you.

Former Member

kaz_9753 wrote: »

It is tricky because if she is hurting she is likely to be in denial about the break-up at some stage, so being in contact too much could give her false hope that you want to get back together, and this will only drag the pain out of her.

Yeah, those are my thoughts exactly. And a week sounds fair enough. I'll send her an email on Thursday. I don't want to phone in case we start rowing. Actually, one of the hardest parts of this is that we hardly ever fought throughout the whole time we were going out. I don't want to start now, but I know it's going to take her a while to get her head round it. I'm sorry I've hurt her, but I'm also sure it was the right thing to do.

Thanks Kaz.

Former Member

You sound like a decent guy, I think it's so good that you are thinking about this a lot, and not playing her around like a lot of guys would. Congrats to you.

Former Member

skakitty wrote: »

You sound like a decent guy, I think it's so good that you are thinking about this a lot, and not playing her around like a lot of guys would. Congrats to you.

I have to agree and give you a virtual round of applause, the way you are treating this is one of the best examples out there that not all guys are twats,

back to your original post, I would say contact via email or text is best to begin with, it is harder to row as you said and also less personal eg she shouldn't get mixed signals about it, A week is a good amount of time but then I wouldn't be all chatty eg 4/5emails bouncing back ever hour (I made this mistake several years ago) the odd email 1/2 a day "Hi, How are you? I want to be friends? you upto much?" nothing to personal, obviously leave any plans that you might have with regards to the opersite sex out of it as that always causes a shit storm, (again I made that mistake) but at the end of the day any friendship will be down to her and whether or not she can bare being around you, be prepared for it to take several months for her to be even remotely ok ith you.

Former Member

Yeah I am prepared for that. I'll just send a quick hello and see how it goes.

And thanks for the nice comments by the way!

Former Member

so you are confident you made the right decision but you are concerned for her well being?

if this is the case, i would leave it at least a week from now before you ask her how she is. Possibly longer.

Also, if you act all perfect and understanding she might well be even more upset cos she realises what she has just lost. There isn't really an easy way to do it!

Former Member

I'd say just drop her the quickest of quick lines (short email or text would be good) saying you hope she's ok, and you'd like to stay friends, and she should get in touch
when she's ready, and then leave her. Let her come to you when she's ready to be matey. You can be friends in the long run, but right now she just needs some space to work through it all.

It's shit to watch someone you care about hurting, even if they're not someone you want to be with anymore, but the best thing you can do atm is leave her alone

Former Member

Olive wrote: »

I'd say just drop her the quickest of quick lines (short email or text would be good) saying you hope she's ok, and you'd like to stay friends, and she should get in touch
when she's ready, and then leave her. Let her come to you when she's ready to be matey. You can be friends in the long run, but right now she just needs some space to work through it all.

It's shit to watch someone you care about hurting, even if they're not someone you want to be with anymore, but the best thing you can do atm is leave her alone

this completely :yes:

Former Member

Thanks guys, that makes perfect sense. I'll maybe leave it to the weekend and do that.

Former Member

Just as an update, I sent a quick email last weekend and heard nothing back. Never mind, getting in touch was the main thing. I'm not bothered if she doesn't respond. Maybe one day we will be on good terms again but there's no rush.

Former Member

Zero II wrote: »

Just as an update, I sent a quick email last weekend and heard nothing back. Never mind, getting in touch was the main thing. I'm not bothered if she doesn't respond. Maybe one day we will be on good terms again but there's no rush.

Exactly. Leave the ball in her court now and move on. Best of luck, dude. :thumb: