If you need urgent support, call 999 or go to your nearest A&E. To contact our Crisis Messenger (open 24/7) text THEMIX to 85258.
Read the community guidelines before posting ✨
Options
She lied to me.
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
Hi guys.
I have just split up with my girlfriend.
I am 28 and she is 30 and we have been together now for just 6 months and everything was going great. So great infact that we both took a huge commitmant and moved into a new home together.
Unfortunatley in the ealy days she told me she slept with 4 guys before me and I was guy no.5.
1./ some guy when she was 15
2./ then a 4 year relationship with someone else
3./ then a 1 night stand with a work friend (who she did not fancy)
4./ then a 2.5 year relationship with someone else.
She took me to a romatic place to watch a sunset and she told me that her last relationship was over 6 years ago and there has been no one else in that time.
I then learnt that just after our 1st date she slept in the same bed as her 4 year boyfriend for 2 night but she insisted nothing happend.
I always felt a little jelouse of being her no.5 because she is my no.1 but I loved her and put all that to the back of my mind.
Unfortunatley I had a very strong feeling there was something else she would not tell me so I kept on asking from time to time.
She would always reasure me that I knew everything and there was nothing for me to know or find out. She even said I might have a problem and maybey I should go see a shrink because I keep bringing it up.
We grew together very close and decided to house hunt together and we found the perfect place for us both.
I still could not shake this feeling that there was something I didnt know and she would not tell me. I was doubting my own mind thinking I was just jelouse but I faught my inner deamonds to be with her.
Well I asked her one last time before we moved in together. I said " Please tell me if there is anything I need to know. I do not want to set up home with you if the possibility of being told something else later on".
Again she swore on her life and god that I know everything and she has not slept with anyone in 6 years before me.
Well trusting her we moved into our new home together and I busted my arse off moving us both in and all was great of 1 month.
Two days ago we where making love and she just broke down crying. I asked her was was wrong and she said it will be the end of us as a couple.
Oviousley I asked her what it was and she told me I was not her 5th guy, infact I was guy no.7. :eek:
This broke my heart so I asked who the other new two guys where. It turns out she had a few 1 night stands with another work collegue which dips into this 6 year sex free time limit and the worst thing was she slept with a guy twice who she knew was using her only three weeks before I was taking her out.
I knew she went on a date with some guy but she swore to me she only kissed him once on the 3rd date......... It turns out she slept with him and again on a 4th date and lied to me.
Why tell me there has not been anyone for over 6 years when in fact it was not even 6 weeks.
I could not take this so I packed my things and walked out.
she insists I am the love of her life and she will never be happy without me, but why lie to me. Why would she think I would be o.k with being guy no.5 and not guy no.7 ?.
I realy do feel used and hurt and I am so tired of life that I am even having thoughts of hurting myself.
I do not want to feel this way but she wont leave me alone. She keeps calling me and texting me saying she messed up and she only wants me.
I can not trust her and there is no relationship without trust.
Its killing me because I chose to keep myself for the one I loved and it turns out to be someone who has had over 7 guys and lied to me from minaute 1. :crying:
I have told her there is no way I will go back with her but she insists on us being friends......... I dont want to loose her completley but it is killing me so much inside to even hear her voice, nethermind seeing her.
What should I do ?
Stay friends or just walk away ?
Please help me with any advice.
I have just split up with my girlfriend.
I am 28 and she is 30 and we have been together now for just 6 months and everything was going great. So great infact that we both took a huge commitmant and moved into a new home together.
Unfortunatley in the ealy days she told me she slept with 4 guys before me and I was guy no.5.
1./ some guy when she was 15
2./ then a 4 year relationship with someone else
3./ then a 1 night stand with a work friend (who she did not fancy)
4./ then a 2.5 year relationship with someone else.
She took me to a romatic place to watch a sunset and she told me that her last relationship was over 6 years ago and there has been no one else in that time.
I then learnt that just after our 1st date she slept in the same bed as her 4 year boyfriend for 2 night but she insisted nothing happend.
I always felt a little jelouse of being her no.5 because she is my no.1 but I loved her and put all that to the back of my mind.
Unfortunatley I had a very strong feeling there was something else she would not tell me so I kept on asking from time to time.
She would always reasure me that I knew everything and there was nothing for me to know or find out. She even said I might have a problem and maybey I should go see a shrink because I keep bringing it up.
We grew together very close and decided to house hunt together and we found the perfect place for us both.
I still could not shake this feeling that there was something I didnt know and she would not tell me. I was doubting my own mind thinking I was just jelouse but I faught my inner deamonds to be with her.
Well I asked her one last time before we moved in together. I said " Please tell me if there is anything I need to know. I do not want to set up home with you if the possibility of being told something else later on".
Again she swore on her life and god that I know everything and she has not slept with anyone in 6 years before me.
Well trusting her we moved into our new home together and I busted my arse off moving us both in and all was great of 1 month.
Two days ago we where making love and she just broke down crying. I asked her was was wrong and she said it will be the end of us as a couple.
Oviousley I asked her what it was and she told me I was not her 5th guy, infact I was guy no.7. :eek:
This broke my heart so I asked who the other new two guys where. It turns out she had a few 1 night stands with another work collegue which dips into this 6 year sex free time limit and the worst thing was she slept with a guy twice who she knew was using her only three weeks before I was taking her out.
I knew she went on a date with some guy but she swore to me she only kissed him once on the 3rd date......... It turns out she slept with him and again on a 4th date and lied to me.
Why tell me there has not been anyone for over 6 years when in fact it was not even 6 weeks.
I could not take this so I packed my things and walked out.
she insists I am the love of her life and she will never be happy without me, but why lie to me. Why would she think I would be o.k with being guy no.5 and not guy no.7 ?.
I realy do feel used and hurt and I am so tired of life that I am even having thoughts of hurting myself.
I do not want to feel this way but she wont leave me alone. She keeps calling me and texting me saying she messed up and she only wants me.
I can not trust her and there is no relationship without trust.
Its killing me because I chose to keep myself for the one I loved and it turns out to be someone who has had over 7 guys and lied to me from minaute 1. :crying:
I have told her there is no way I will go back with her but she insists on us being friends......... I dont want to loose her completley but it is killing me so much inside to even hear her voice, nethermind seeing her.
What should I do ?
Stay friends or just walk away ?
Please help me with any advice.
0
Comments
Yes, lying is bad, but a lie like the above isn't a good enough reason for dumping the love of your life IMHO.
I don't understand what the problem is; she is a 30 year old woman, bound to have a past. You say you chose to keep yourself for the one you loved, and that is absolutely fine, your decision, but it is also absolutely fine for her to have had a healthy, active sex life before she met you.
Most people of that age would have a past - but thats the key..... its in the PAST! - not the here and now.
She must love you to tell you, knowing how you could have reacted - shes been honest now - you should give her credit for that.
Go and tell her your sorry for over reacting - draw a line in the sand, put it behind you and kiss and make up. :yes:
But it isn't the lie that really bothers you. What bothers you is that your girlfriend has a past, that she slept with other men before you.
Well, you can't erase that, and more to the point, you have no reason to want to. Any woman you meet will have a past. If you can't deal with that, go hang out at the convent and see if any of the women there are thinking of leaving.
She told me she only kissed the guy three weeks before she was with me. This was before I had any idea of how many when and where etc.
I am guessing most of the people on this board will be women and you are looking from a womans point of view.
If I was a woman and I told you of a guy who slept around, lied to me and tried to trap me with a house and even talk of marrage n kids and then tell me he was in his ex's bed at the 1st weekend of us together and used some woman for sex only three weeks before he made a move on me ?
I think you will probably all tell me to dump him, he is a loser.
Because I am a guy people think I dont have any feelings and I should just go back to her like a puppy dog.
She has shown me I can not trust her. She has stringed me along for 6 months and even thrown my own demons back at me and told me its me with the problem.
No trust = no relationship.
My ex-girlfriend lied to me over how many guys she slept with, she said 6 and its closer to 30 but why would i give a fuck about that when shes with me now?
The reason why she said you were unreasonable is you broke up with her over 2 people in her past, 2 people who obviously dont mean anything anymore.
You need to sit down and have a bloody good think about what you have just thrown away for the sake of 2 people you are never going to meet that mean nothing to either of you.
I am not a woman either, this is a male perspective and amazingly its the same as everyone elses!
it seems you need to weigh up what's important to you. Which is worth more in the grand scheme of things; realising you've got something good with this girl and wanting to retain that, or risk letting her go while you stick doggedly to your principles?
It's a positive trait to value honesty, and that you've tried to keep yourself for someone special in your life :yes: I'm the same as you in that if a new partner had had a really active sex life before me and obviously been around the block a bit, I would have a problem with it. In SnuggleBubbles's case, lying about having slept with 6 people when it's actually closer to 30 is a much bigger lie than you've just been told, and I probably would ditch the person then!
But you've got to put your situation in perspective. Your gf has told an untruth to try and spare your feelings as she thought you'd overreact. Now you're proving her right! As mentioned already, she's now come clean and deserves some credit for her honesty. This is different to lying just so she could keep you as a bf while carrying on with someone else behind your back, say. So in that sense, you haven't really been used.
Question her motivations for not telling you the whole truth, and question yourself as well - is it not worth being a bit flexible now, considering that you've just made a commitment to each other and she says she loves you?
Wait... Now it dawns on me... She had sex with other people before you?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT A FLOOZY! BURN HER AT THE STAKE
Because of this pressure, women really don't want to let people know exactly how many people they've slept with. Especially as you've already shown her your attitude to the subject. It is a small, white lie, and you appear to have overreacted.
Yes- the fact that she did lie to you, although a white lie, will have made you think, but you should really look at how she's actually acting- moving in with you, talking longterm plans- and realise that she's pretty damn into you, and only told you a lower number in order to fit in with YOUR attitude.
Yeah. Got to agree with this really. It seems a shame to break up the relationship over a number. A number which, if you are looking at a life together, is to all intents irrelevant.
If he's prepared to leave the relationship over this, I really think she's best off without him. It's an extreme overreaction that suggests he just can't handle the fact that his woman had a life before she met him.
It sounds like youve put a hell of a lot of pressure and judgement on her to try and be what you want her to be, and youre acting like shes some sort of slut, whereas you are somehow better for saving yourself this long.
It all sounds a bit fucked up
I DO understand that in your mind you are probably thinking is she lied about this what else did she lie about but tbh it probably goes no further than this.
You being a virgin when you met her may havbe put pressure on her and made her feel bad for being no 7. Especially if you showed some jealously which sounds very likely. She probably lied to make you feel better.
I know its not a nice lie and i know it doesnt make it right whatever the reason but i don't think its worth throwing away the love of your life over.
2 more people is nothing for a 30 year old. Be honest, if she told you it was 7 from the start how would you have felt>? Even more jealous? Thats probably why she didnt tell you.
Only you can decide if you can get past this but if shes everything you say she is then its gotta be worth a shot?
She told me I was no.5 before she knew I had a problem....... She lied to me because she thought 7 was to high a number and I would have left her there and then.
I always knew there was something else so thats why I kept bringing it up.
She reguarly looked me in the eye and told me there was no one else. That she has not been with anyone in 6 years.
She gained my trust and I made a huge comitment with her and once we moved in she droped this bombshell on me.
And to be honest I do belive there has even been more blokes.
And as for people who say " whats it got to do with you how many people she slept with", of course its my buisness to know. If I am the guy who she wants to marry I have a right to know. If you keep secrets your relationship is doomed from the start.
The question isn't so much about her past, but rather whether or not you care for who she is now?
Everyone has a past, everyone has a future. One can't be changed, and is often less significant than the other.
In my own messed up way, I do like a girl at the moment. It wouldn't bother me if she'd been with 30 men in the past... though I'd need honesty about it, and would prefer it from the outset. It's not like your lass has lost 80% of the total, then come clean - she's just tweaked it slightly.
I'm sorry, but I don't believe you have a "right to know" at all. Do you have a "right" to know how many times she has masturbated in her life? When the last time she took a crap was? If she had a crush on her teacher in school? Some things are personal, and if she wants to share that with you, then fine, but if she doesn't, you certainly don't have a RIGHT to know.
As long as she doesn't have any STIs or children, and hasn't been unfaithful to you - things that would affect your relationship - then it isn't important. I would be sympathetic if it were the lying that were the issue, but it seems it is what she has lied about that you are having more of a problem with, as opposed to the lying itself, and I can't empathise with that at all.
this is what makes me feel that the problem is more with you than with her.
Obviously its up to you to decide what you do and dont want from a woman. It sounds to me like you kept digging and digging for something.
Sometimes you just shouldnt or you might not like what you find.
Your partner may not have the perfect past for your tastes, but that doesnt mean she wouldnt be a good partner. You need to let go of the past and decide whether you would be good together and make a good couple.
If you cant work through something as simple as this, then id say that pretty much any relationship you have is doomed, not just this one
I question this, I don't think you do have a right to know. But even if you did, why on Earth do you want to know?
I'm going to attempt to sum up your situation.
You have told us you saved yourself for the one you love, indicating to us that you have preconcieved ideas about the ideals of sex, lovemaking and being in a relationship e.t.c.
Nothing wrong with that.
But, you're trying to push those ideals onto someone else who can't do anything to change them. Knowing your ideals she has deliberately downplayed the number of men she has slept with, thinking (rightly or wrongly) that if you knew it had been 7 from the start you'd have never got together.
Since that time you've had a niggling thought in your head and you've kept asking her about it. This has probably pissed her off, and during the course of an argument or heated discussion she has finally admitted that there were 2 extra guys.
Either that, or she is deeply ashamed of herself for having the one night stands and has been doing her best to forget about them, but has been unable to because of your questions.
Now, your fiance has lied. By lying she has upset you and betrayed your trust. BUT, it's not the biggest lie in the world. She hasn't cheated on you, she hasn't been hiding a secret love child from you. She has finally confessed to her dirty sinful secret.
Relationships may be built on trust, but they're also maintained through forgiveness.
You have 2 choices. You can either forget the entire thing, forgive your fiance for the lie (she has nothing to apologise for with regards to the number of men, remember that point) and remind yourself of the reasons why you do love her. From what you've said she is desperately sorry and is trying to get you back.
Or, you can break up with her. You can carry on letting this thing eat away inside at you and forever lose the woman you love.
I've tried to apply man-logic to all this (being a guy and all) to make it simple.
It's your choice, but I think you'd be mad to go for the second.
i dont know how many girls my boyfriend has slept with. i've never asked him! i don't really want to know to be honest. he's with me now. he doesn't know how many people i've slept with either. he's never asked. doubt he ever will as i dont think he's interested!
we know about each other's past to an extent...yanno, about each other's previous serious relationships, etc but why do you need to know a number?
it doesn't matter. what should matter is what you both have.
From the way it sounds, you had this conversation pretty early on in your relationship? she might not have known how serious it would turn out so decided to say 5 in order to make herself look better.
When me and my boyfriend had a conversation about how many people we slept with i was shocked to find out i had with more people, which made it pretty awkward to try and tell him.
I know how hard trust is in a relationship after its been broken, and to some people it may not seem like a big deal but as long as its the lie itself that has hurt you not the fact that she has slept with 7 people then you are kind of justified.
It really does sound like it was just this one thing. the only other thing I have to say is that if you do decide to get back with her you need to trust her to not hurt you again, but also yourself to be able to forgive her and not let it ruin your relationship because thats just going to cause a whole lot more heartache for the 2 of you,
I am going over to see her tonight to talk things through.
Its not the fact she has had previouse relationships, its that I see such beauty in her and to me I see her in a perfect light but knowing she just gave herself away to losers who only wanted to shag her and dispose of her like she was a slag, well that kills me inside.
The thing that hurts the most tho is that she lied to me from the start.
She set up the I havent been with anyone for 6 years lie and insisted it was true all this time.
I realy do not have any trust anymore but I would miss her so much if she was not in my life. I am going to ask her to start from a friendship point of view and see where it takes us.
its guna be hard because shes going to be your first for so many things, but I'm guessing from what you've said you feel to be just another number. I'm sure thats not at all what she thinks, and quite often when finding a relationship like this a lot of people try to put the past behind them and even have a few regrets. It seems like she was trying to live up to your expectations and she really really did have YOUR best interests at heart by trying not to hurt you. as i previously said it takes a shit load of guts to come clean about a lie, and from the way shes been acting she really does regret it.
You also need to realise it was her choice to sleep with these men, aside from the one night stands they were in long term commited relationships.
I really hope you have the guts to take that leap again and let yourself fall in love with her because theres nothing worse than looking back on a relationship and thinking what if.
how is it going to make you feel when (if you just stay friends) she eventually moves on and finds someone else. Will you honestly be able to say 5 years down the line you dont regret trying to put it aside and move on with your relationship instead of giving up on it?
everyone deserves a second chance, but it will only work if you can learn to trust her again. At the end of the day, she is in the wrong and, as she has been already, will be doing everything she can to make you realise shes sorry, she knows she made a mistake and that she wants to move on.
I hope it works out for you, for a start because she must truely love you to tell you she lied in the first place.
I know a lot of people in this thread think its trivial, and i agree with them that you need to accept she has a past and it in theory shouldnt have an impact on your life, but she has messed up and its up to you if you'll let her prove that it was just this one lie and allow your relationship to move on.
No one has said you are the bad guy. Just that from what we read we can understand WHY she lied.
But I think you are overreacting massively. In part this is inevitable due your relative immaturity with respect to emotions and relationships. If you had had relationships before this, you'd realise how silly this all is. As this is your first relationship, you're being jealous and paranoid, the way most 15 year old boys are with their first girlfriend.
There's a consensus of very wise opinions been offered in this thread. I suggest you take them seriously and take them on board.
It really doesn't matter. The only person who has suggested in this topic that she is a slag is you. People (except for you by the sounds of it) come with past histories. By refusing to get past what really is a minor issue is only going to be your loss in the end.
You're going to break up with your fiance and ask her if she wants to be friends.......
I honestly can't believe you're willing to throw away 6 years of your life together because of this, with someone you say you love. If I were her, and the love of my life proposed that we break up because he thinks I'm a ruined slag (and lets be honest, the things you are writing don't give me any faith that you think otherwise) I'd tell him to fuck right off.
Love conquers all isn't an overused cliche, it's the truth. If you really loved her as much as you tell us you do, you'd be finding it a lot easier to get past the "issue".
It's your decision, but I and others here think you're making entirely the wrong one. You're focussing too much on something she did before you were together, and one lie that has spiralled out of control, instead of concentrating on how happy you've been together.