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Dealing with a girlfriends sexual past
Former Member
Posts: 1,876,323 The Mix Honorary Guru
I've ben going out with someone for almost a year now, and their sexual past is really starting to bother me.
Firstly, she's lovely, and cute, and gets one with my family and friends well. We both get on great. She's intelligent, we both enjoy the same cultural things, she's well travelled etc.
Please read the whole thing before commenting.
I always knew that she had more sexual partners than me, and before having sex for the first time this did intimidate me and I wondered whether I'd be good enough. Turned out i had nothing to worry about, so that was all fine.
My girlfriend had two previous long term boyfriends. One of which was all the way through Uni, which has always led her to feel as if she missed out on the Uni life.
On finishing with her last boyfriend I think she just felt let loose. I know that she went on holiday to Australia and slept with a number of men there. This has always bothered me even before we were going out. I never really cared about her sleeping with her ex-boyfriends, or the odd occasional fling. But it just sounds as if she went on rampage in Australia.
Before we were going out, but when we were seeing each other, she was once drunkenly telling me about one of the guys she got with in Australia being in public on a patch of grass, under a surveilance camera and basically so much in a public spot she could've been seen by anyone.
I told her i really didn't want to hear about it, neither did i want to hear of any of her other Australian stories.
The whole Australia thing always bothered me. Even when we started going out. I just couldn't understand how someone could be so promiscuoius and basically have such little regard for themselves. As well as just being so slutty as to do such things in such a public place. I have no idea how many men she slept with there, but I'm guessing it is a lot.
I was just about dealing with that, and forgetting it, when for some reason i cannot remember...maybe a drinking game..more facts about her threesome came up. Yes, she has had a threesome also. I had known about this previously.
I always presumed that this threesome was maybe in Australia, to be honest i didn't ever want to think about it too much. It turns out it was when she was 21 with teammates from her local hockey club, so would've just finished Uni, and it was with two 27 year olds, who were her "friends" and it would've been "wierd not to have done it with both of them". It sounds like some bloomin' porn film.
The thought of my girlfriend being treated like some piece of meat by two "team mates", who were 6 years older than her, absolutely disgusts me. It really does. It makes me wonder what she is really like.
Then i think of the other bits and pieces that she has told me, the fact that she has done anal, and been with a very well endowed black man. As well as, 6 months before we got together she did something more than just kiss someone at work (we both work together) round the back of the office. Each not a big deal, but when put together, it makes you think.
I think, looking back, that she may have been trying to entice me by telling me about that public-sex thing in Australia. Which makes me wonder how she enticed her teammates, another thing that bothers me.
I can't help thinking she has done everything under the sun.
I know I cannot change a persons past, and i shouldn't eradicate it.
But all this is really bothering me. I know she wouldn't cheat on me ever. I know she has never cheated on anybody. But i just can't help thinking that she has been so slutty, and that level of disrespect for ones body just sickens me.
I'm going to leave it for a few weeks, and deicde whether to just tell her how I feel. I have sort of already. But if this is something that I really cannot get past, then it's a slightly more serious issue we'll need to discuss.
I was just after people's thoughts. In case you are wondering if I am jealous, I am not. I have had my fair share of fun, but always with girls I have liked and got to know. I am not really one for one night stands, although I have had a couple.
Firstly, she's lovely, and cute, and gets one with my family and friends well. We both get on great. She's intelligent, we both enjoy the same cultural things, she's well travelled etc.
Please read the whole thing before commenting.
I always knew that she had more sexual partners than me, and before having sex for the first time this did intimidate me and I wondered whether I'd be good enough. Turned out i had nothing to worry about, so that was all fine.
My girlfriend had two previous long term boyfriends. One of which was all the way through Uni, which has always led her to feel as if she missed out on the Uni life.
On finishing with her last boyfriend I think she just felt let loose. I know that she went on holiday to Australia and slept with a number of men there. This has always bothered me even before we were going out. I never really cared about her sleeping with her ex-boyfriends, or the odd occasional fling. But it just sounds as if she went on rampage in Australia.
Before we were going out, but when we were seeing each other, she was once drunkenly telling me about one of the guys she got with in Australia being in public on a patch of grass, under a surveilance camera and basically so much in a public spot she could've been seen by anyone.
I told her i really didn't want to hear about it, neither did i want to hear of any of her other Australian stories.
The whole Australia thing always bothered me. Even when we started going out. I just couldn't understand how someone could be so promiscuoius and basically have such little regard for themselves. As well as just being so slutty as to do such things in such a public place. I have no idea how many men she slept with there, but I'm guessing it is a lot.
I was just about dealing with that, and forgetting it, when for some reason i cannot remember...maybe a drinking game..more facts about her threesome came up. Yes, she has had a threesome also. I had known about this previously.
I always presumed that this threesome was maybe in Australia, to be honest i didn't ever want to think about it too much. It turns out it was when she was 21 with teammates from her local hockey club, so would've just finished Uni, and it was with two 27 year olds, who were her "friends" and it would've been "wierd not to have done it with both of them". It sounds like some bloomin' porn film.
The thought of my girlfriend being treated like some piece of meat by two "team mates", who were 6 years older than her, absolutely disgusts me. It really does. It makes me wonder what she is really like.
Then i think of the other bits and pieces that she has told me, the fact that she has done anal, and been with a very well endowed black man. As well as, 6 months before we got together she did something more than just kiss someone at work (we both work together) round the back of the office. Each not a big deal, but when put together, it makes you think.
I think, looking back, that she may have been trying to entice me by telling me about that public-sex thing in Australia. Which makes me wonder how she enticed her teammates, another thing that bothers me.
I can't help thinking she has done everything under the sun.
I know I cannot change a persons past, and i shouldn't eradicate it.
But all this is really bothering me. I know she wouldn't cheat on me ever. I know she has never cheated on anybody. But i just can't help thinking that she has been so slutty, and that level of disrespect for ones body just sickens me.
I'm going to leave it for a few weeks, and deicde whether to just tell her how I feel. I have sort of already. But if this is something that I really cannot get past, then it's a slightly more serious issue we'll need to discuss.
I was just after people's thoughts. In case you are wondering if I am jealous, I am not. I have had my fair share of fun, but always with girls I have liked and got to know. I am not really one for one night stands, although I have had a couple.
Post edited by JustV on
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Comments
Look on the bright side! you have a girlfriend who will do pretty much anything in bed with you.
The past is the past, im sure if you told her in graphic detail how you came over a girls tits while she sang land of hope and glory it might get on your girls wick a bit.
Suck it up and don't blame her for her past, if you can't, break up with her now because there is nothing she can do to change it.
Just remember this is your issue, not hers, and I hope youre not trying to make her feel bad about her past which she cant change, and ideally she should be at ease with, whether you like it or not
Crikey, aren't we the patronising one. She's hardly worked as a prostitute has she. So she's had a threesome, been with *shocker* a well endowed black man and had anal sex. So she enjoys sex. So she's had a sex life. At the end of the day it's her body to do with as she wants. As long as she's not doing it whilst she's with you i wouldn't see it as being a problem.
Different people have different attitudes to sex, different limits and preferences and things that they feel comfortable doing. Just because you yourself don't like the idea of one night stands, it doesn't make her "slutty" or lacking self-respect because she has had a few.
Maybe she has talked to you about it in the past because she expected you to be a bit more open minded sexually; as Snuggle said, a lot of men would be happy to have found a girl who is willing to try lots of different things in bed. If you can't stop thinking of her as "slutty" and having "so little regard" for herself, then I suggest you get out now and find someone who shares similar, tamer attitudes to sex as yourself.
Almost everyone has a sexual past and who are YOU to judge if someone's sexual past is more 'slutty' than anyone elses? Who are you? The Pope?
What is really irking you is that you are concerned that she has had the experience of better lovers than you, with bigger penises, but you are too immature to put that behind you and understand that if she loves you and wants to be with you, then she won't be comparing you to these ex-encounters.
What matters is NOW. Unless she is carrying a nice bout of syphilis that she hasn't told you about, her past should stay in the past. Be a man, move on beyond this and give the girl a chance.
:thumb: Have you ever thought of becoming an MP. I know honest, blunt ones aren't the in fashion but i really do believe i might follow politics if someone like your good self was up there
:yes: I can bet my life that any ex-encounters of my boyfriend were 'better lovers' than me, as I can't do anything with my left hand, which I'm sure lets my technique down somewhat. But you know what? He's been with me for over 8 years now. Just be glad she's been upfront about everything - she obviously trusts you - and don't worry about the past.
Get over yourself, people have sex and if possible as much as they can get. If you don't come to terms with that the relationship will break sooner or later.
Again, guess you wouldn't call it "disrespect for your body" if you took some random bird home, twice a week.
Since a lot of those threads keep popping up (see: TheLeaf [I hope I'm not mistaken now]), I vote this as the standard response to every of them, because it sums it up all nicely.
Ive been there and it is hard,especially when your gf likes to keep bringing it up and talking to you about it,at the end of the day its her past and thats where it should stay unless shes talking to her friends.
You gotta decide yourself if you can or even want to get over it,if it keeps getting to you that much then you will never be able to respect her and your relationship will break down.
(By the way,my relationship didnt break up over this issue,she was just a total looney.:razz: )
Ok well maybe my original post was a bit over dramatic, but I needed to get it off my chest and feel far better for it. So thank you.
Firstly I AM NOT jealous of her other sexual partners, I do not feel inadequate, I do not think that all the people she previously slept with are better than me. Unless she is an exceptionally good actor it would appear she's enjoying it, a lot.
The threesome thing really bugged me, and i think it always will and I will explain why further in this post.
Many of the responses on here are from women, and women who are pro women being sexually liberal etc. Therefore my saying anything against one a woman for having sex with a lot of men is immediately met with harsh reaction by you; such as "you are just jealous they are better in bed and have bigger dicks". Comments like that are neither helpful, nor true, and are just a defensive pro-women-sexiual-liberation comment and not specific to me...but will come to that later.
--
The threesome thing really got to me due to the way I perceive it to have happened, as it was her hockey club. The fact she had a threesome would bother me a little, but it's the way I imagine it happening that makes it bad and hard for me to deal with. The thought of her being double-teamed by two of her teammates is just horrible as I doubt they had any respect for her.
Every bloke who goes plays team sports knows the male banter that goes along with it. Prior to the threesome, they probably talked behind her back, joked about banging her and when she showed interest talked about her being a total slut, gagging for it. That is men being stupid and immature, but it happens. That same thought process is probably what gave those guys the idea of attempting a threesome with her. They probably joked about it before with all their mates. Having done the deed I am sure the level of respect for her did not increase. I'm sure that group of lads still bring up that story over a few beers and have a good laugh, and that annoys me.
Yes, sure it may be the guys being in the wrong being macho-idiots, but it's not as if girls do not know that in such a scenario there would be little respect, and they are that naive that they don't. The fact is she probably did know the situation, and she still went ahead...and the worst part is maybe she enjoyed that they were saying those dirty things, maybe they were not even saying them behind her back, maybe they said it to her face...and it is that point that really gets me. That's the slut part I mentioned before.
Then, when upset about that, and i think about the other stuff and - whilst that wouldn't normally upset me - it then does.
--
Now going back to those women who by me mentioning this, automatically assume that I have some complex about how good i am in bed, and how big my penis is. Grow-up, or meet other men.
Most men, and certainly guys who i count as friends, do not want to have sex with as many people as possible. They do not boast about every sexual experience, and talk about it as if it were a meaningless emotionless victory. Either the guys you know are complete neanderthals, or you are too believing that all men just want to put notches on the bed post. This is rubbish.
If a bloke knows a guy who just sleeps around a lot, he won't be thought of as some hero, instead I'd probably think he has some issue that makes him either not boyfriend material or he's just a complete prat who will probably end up alone. I see it as quite sad.
Actually i do have a mate who for the past 5 years has just had a few one night stands and one month relationships. He's very good looking, but incredibly dull and a little daft - sure he may have more "notches on the bed post" than me, and he has far more sexual experience BUT...am i intimidated or jealous of him? No, not a chance.
I also have a friend with a snake, so large is that beast, when we were getting suits tailor-made he had to get his trouser leg specially widened..we thought it was hilarious, we laughed joked and made fun of him, we didn't start worshipping his huge member.
Most men are grown up enough to realise that stuff like; how many people you have slept with and how big your dick is, doesn't make you more or less of a man. It is who you are and what you do.
Having sex, and having a threesome, does not a slut make.
Theres nothing wrong with having a healthy sex life in your past, but there is such a thing as sensitivity, and most people know that you dont go on about it to partners
exactly what i was thinking.
i'd be questioning why she is telling you all of this in detail.
You said it yourself. That's who she is. You shouldn't judge her on her past sexual experiences, but on who she is now with you.
In the past she was a slut and slept with lots and lots of guys, you knew that when you started going out with her so why is it a problem now?
Nothing in her past has changed, only your reaction to it.
Yep.
I don't agree with this though. I hate the word slut. She's just a girl with loads of sexual experience.
As has been pointed out, those posts were made by men.
Seems to me like you're contradicting yourself and making a lot of assumptions about a couple of guys you don't even know. Could be they've never mentioned it to their mates, as lots of men can be a bit "ugh" at the idea of a MMF threesome. Could be they've done it numerous times so aren't going to waste time bringing it into every conversation. Could be that your girlfriend could have had normal sex that you'd approve of with one of them in the past, and they'd still brag about it and bring it into the conversation. Not really your girlfriend's fault if any man decides to judge her as a slut and talk about her disrespectfully for having sex, no matter what the circumstances.
Again, look around the net and you'll see that it isn't uncommon for women to enjoy being called names and treated roughly during sex. Doesn't mean the women in question don't respect themselves or are in some way repulsive, dirty creatures. So what if she did enjoy it? It is something she tried once, as a consenting adult, she may or may not have enjoyed certain aspects of the experience, but it is in the past.
As Suzy said, if it makes you that uncomfortable, then you should tell her so and ask her not to talk about her past sexual experiences at all because you can't deal with it. All relationships are different; in some, partners are very open about their past experiences, and in others they'd prefer not to hear about it, which is fair enough - whatever works for you as a couple - but you need to make that clear.
Personally I don't think she should be wasting her time with someone who is so judgemental and sexually narrow minded, and so willing to label her as slutty and assume she has no respect for herself/her body for experimenting in sex, but then this isn't her thread.
The thing is, all this nasty taste in the mouth stuff (no pun intended;)) is all based on how you imagine things to have happened. Your imagination's gone into overdrive here, assuming what they thought and said and did, and it's driving you crazy. Which is why you need to let it go. It's you winding yourself up here, noone else.
And, if you read your first post, you were the one who first mentioned the cock size of her previous shags, so no wonder we thought you were insecure and comparing yourself to them.
I'm not entirely unsympathetic - history's a difficult issue. I've found that I've got much more wound up over the revelation of my boyfriend's one night stand years and years ago than I feel I should, and whilst I tell myself I'm only upset because it's put a question mark over what I thought I knew about him...I don't know. Maybe that's the reason I've chickened out of asking him about it - because my illogical side doesn't really want to know the answer. But you need to see that whatever happened in the past doesn't change how she now feels about you, and if it's changed how you feel about her (and the respect you hold for her) then you need to seriously consider whether it's worth continuing - for her sake.
The fact that you're getting worked up about her- shock! horror!- having slept with a black man with a big cock and having had anal sex is ridiculous. Surely you know this, otherwise you wouldn't be asking us.
If you ask her not to tell you about it, and she does it anyway, then that's a genuine problem. But if you asked, or were talking about your history, then you shouldn't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to.
Dude, we are not here to stroke anyone's egos. You've either posted here because you want our opinion - or you posted so that we would all confirm your *shock horror* attitude to the fact that the 'slut' has had a very lively and colourful sex life before she met you.
My opinion is that you are making way too much of this.
Pot. Kettle. Black.
LMAO
:thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb:
But the thing I would object to is being told about it. Where's the line. Sure, it's fine to say "no, I'm not a virgin" or things like that, but describing her sex acts with other men and such is way too far over the line in my book. If this is because you're prompting her and asking her questions - well you only have yourself to blame for that. But if she's just bringing it and not thinking that it might effect you - despite as you said in the OP you said that you told her you didn't really want to know - she's just being insensitive and perhaps bragging to an extent.
Nobody can say for sure though, it's up to you whether you're happy with your relationship being like this.
If you are referring to me, where am I 'picking on the newbie'? Based on the info he gave us, I just said it as I saw it. He asked for our thoughts. I gave mine. He admitted that this was an issue that he felt was unlikely he would be able to get around. I disagreed that this should be an issue for him.
If the OP feels that I have made him feel unwelcome or have picked on him, then I am truly sorry. That was not my intention at all. But based on his initial post, considering dumping a girl who happens to have an enjoyable past sex life seems like he is putting his emotions in the way of what may be a fantastic relationship if he is prepared to give her a chance.
To the OP, you said 'I told her i really didn't want to hear about it, neither did i want to hear of any of her other Australian stories'. Did she stop or are you saying that she still talking about it in front of you?
Maybe you should learn to read then?
I think you SHOULD read the whole thread before getting your knickers in a twist. You've just made yourself look like a bit of an idiot.
It would hippocritical?